--XII--

I think I looked like a kid in a candy store, walking away from the Lowdown. Partly because on the way home I bought myself a strawberry-and-chocolate-flavored popsicle for extra happiness. I called Caleb.

OOOOO THIS POPSICLE YUMMY.

Yay

"Cawef!" I said. "Auw ewf eeh aef Bwimah oh uma oh."

"Chris?" said Caleb.

He sounded alarmed. I wasn't sure why.

"Where are you?" said Caleb. "Are you okay, are you safe?"

Uhm

I was so confused.

"Is someone else there?" he said. "Is the person who put a gag on you there with you?"

I paused. I tried to think about it, for just the fraction of a second.

When was the LAST time there was a gag on my mou-

Actually, never mind.

"TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE," he said. "NOW."

Wait, so he-

So he didn't already KNOW I was strolling out of the Lowdown with a source of calories and with new information and skipping every other step while also casually hopping over mutated rat-cockroach-worm-hybrid feces every two seconds on jagged asphalt?

AWWWWWWWWW

Cute of him not to read my mind <3 <3

ORBI

PLOSIONSSS

Well, either that, or I was still thinking of ratatouille recipes.

I mean, I literally don't even know how to cook at all, so that made a lot of sense. The only cooking tool I had any experience with from the Lowdown was a hot frying pan. When I was ten, I think.

It was repeatedly smashed against my face.

I removed the popsicle from my mouth. "It's a popsicle," I said.

I listened to him put down the phone and walk away, breathe heavily for a while, and then come back on the line.

"Chris," he said. "Chris. Please, DON'T SCARE ME like that."

Bruh ur dad scary. Shut up pls

Also if a phone call from me on a Saturday so scary GO PLAY A HORROR GAME.

Damn.

"Can you please save Belinda's number onto my phone?" I said.

"Of course," said Caleb.

"Okay, call you later, I love you!" I said.

One of the clouds in the sky, a purple one, was shaped like a rainbow. I laughed. A cloud shaped like a rainbow. The one beside it, an orange one, was shaped like a cat eating a bowl of lasagna. I put the popsicle back in my mouth.

OOOOOOOOO it makes me happy

Yay

Ice cream

Yay

OK well technically, it's probably not even ice cream, like probably it's technically-

"CHRIS," said Caleb.

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I paused in my walk for just a moment. I surveyed all of the very unmaintained, falling-apart buildings around me. The Lowdown still always smelled like literal feces, just like it always did. Every single other person around still stared at me for as long as they possibly could, just like they always did.

What more did he want from me? I was going to see him at midnight at the Port, anyway. We always went there. People knew we walked there in the mornings; that I worked out there.

But midnights were our secret.

"AIh hHaid," I said into the receiver, "AIh luhHf U."

Like

You know

Like I-love-you-you-can-go-now I love you <3 <3

"Chris." he said. "This is why people read your mind."

WHAT IS YOU INSINUATING BRO

I hung up.

--

I called Belinda Klein next- immediately, upon disconnecting from Caleb. She picked up after eleven rings.

"Who is this?" said Belinda.

"Widnigh," I said.

"YOU ARE CALLING ME ON A SATURDAY EVENING," said Belinda.

"Emwf," I said. "Aa ohh."

"WHAT IS IN YOUR MOUTH?" said Belinda.

I removed the popsicle from my mouth. "Nothing," I said.

"Make this good," said Belinda. "Or you will spend the rest of YOUR life doing MY paperwork."

Bitch u can't do that to me

"YES, I FUCKING CAN. YOU JUST FUCKING WATCH ME," she said. "Now why the fuck are you fucking calling me on a fucking Saturday fucking evening?!"

It was her evening for F-word?

Oh, my God.

Oh my God I did not want to know that

"SPEAK NOW OR DIE ON MONDAY!" she said.

"I can confirm that the Manila Maniac's alleged drug dealer is still around, and is operating in the Lowdown," I said. I think Belinda could probably hear the smile in my voice. "I can confirm the location, and I possibly, maybe, might have some DNA and/or some fingerprints for everyone! Caleb and I also think that the murderer may have attempted to send me a text message from a masked number."

Belinda was silent.

"Isn't that great, Belinda?" I said. "Oh, and they sell Angel Dust there. What does that do? Is it some kind of new compound created from US experiments or something?"

Silence.

There was a raccoon on the sidewalk. It was brown and white and gray. I walked toward it.

"Belle?" I said.

More silence.

The raccoon was adorable. I once heard that raccoons used to never live here. I wished I saw more of them.

Hewwo cuuute lidduw animawwwww :3

"Hi?" I said. "Belinda?"

Belinda was still silent.

I knelt down and gave the raccoon the rest of my popsicle. Hopefully it liked chocolate, because the popsicle was mostly just the chocolate half now. I opened the pack of eggplant-flavored jellybeans I bought while I was waiting for Klein to finally pick up. I was actually surprised she didn't just use a voice inbox. Or maybe she had multiple phone numbers, and I just called the best one.

More silence, again. I chewed and swallowed the cheap, dry, unsatisfying jellybeans. I looked at the packaging. JOHNSON FAMILY'S UNADDICTIVE, DRUG-FREE EGGPLANT JELLYBEANS! it read. HARVESTED FROM THE BACK OF THE JOHNSON FAMILY'S FARMING TRUCK, MADE WITH 100% REAL EGGPLANTS. BEST FAMILY EGGPLANT JELLYBEANS FOR YOUR NON DRUG ADDICTED OFFSPRING AND CHILDREN!

Offspring and children? Aww.

That's so inclusive of them! I thought.

Belinda still wasn't responding. Although for a moment, I thought I did hear her breathing, very slowly. She was breathing VERY slowly. And loudly. I wasn't even sure what I was really hearing then.

Maybe it really IS her evening for F-word-

Ohhhhhh

Oh God please no

Oh I'm gonna slightly politely puke

You know. Like, eggplant-flavored jellybean projectile puke. Politely.

Oh please no. Oh damn that is nasty.

Calm down Klein is not nasty

Okay maybe not THAT nasty

She kind of was, though...

No she kinda is tho

No pls

ORBIPLOSIONS PLS

I don't even know what those are but pls

Spoiler alert: Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

I decided to read the back of the tacky, light green, plastic food packaging as well, while I waited. JOHNSON FAMILY'S UNADDICTIVE, DRUG-FREE EGGPLANT JELLYBEANS. PRODUCT NOT LICENSED BY THE U.S. FDAAA. ALSO NOT LICENSED BY THE U.S. AAA OR AA. DOES NOT TREAT ALCOHOL ADDICTION. DOES NOT TREAT VYSTIR-RELATED CONDITIONS OR OTHER CHEMICALLY-MUTATED AILMENTS. WARNING: DO NOT FEED TO BIRDS. BIRDS MAY ATTACK YOU. INGREDIENTS: SODIUM. MADE IN THE OVERWOODS. ALLERGEN INFORMATION: PROCESSED IN A FACILITY THAT ALSO HANDLES GOOSE EGGS, SYNTHETIC CHEESE, "BUTTER," ARTIFICIAL COFFEE, METFORMIN, HIGHLY CONCENTRATED CANE SUGAR, INSULIN, COCA LEAVES, AND SOME FORMS OF METHAMPHETAMINE. LOST CONTROL OF YOUR COCAINE USE? CONTACT THE JOHNSON FAMILY.

I chewed and swallowed. The jellybeans were somehow more delicious the more of them you ate.

"You don't like Angel Dust?" I said to Belinda- assuming she was still there.

"Midnight," Belinda said. I was almost relieved! And happy at the same time. It was the first thing she said for a really hot minute.

Oh.

:D

OK she's still there!!!

: DDDD :DDD : DDDDD

I was so happy, my mind was practically speaking in emojis, but minus the actual emojis, so I had to settle for random smiley faces with many chins. Like

: DDDD

She didn't have to say anything, I guess. I was just happy she heard everything! And extremely happy that I found at least something to help us possibly go forward.

"Yes?" I said.

The cute little raccoon took the popsicle and scuttled away. I wished I had some bread to give it. Raccoons love bread.

"Suck a dick," Belinda said.

OH. MY.

GOSH

She's so happy with my investigation that she wants me to go suck a dick!

It was also very sweet of her to validate that I was gay!

"Oh," I said, unable to contain my happiness. It was so nice of her. I chewed and swallowed a few more eggplant jellybeans. "Thank you, Belinda," I said, smiling. "Yes, I think I will."

She hung up.

I ate the last few jellybeans, expertly tossed the empty jellybean packaging into the pocket of Caleb's jacket (there were no trash cans in the Lowdown), pounced off of a few buildings, and flew spinning towards the Suburb-Everglade part of V5 for my evening tumbling routine.