"Hey, Lydia?"

"Yeah?" I sobered up from my laugh.

"Do you still want to leave us?" Myu asked, her eyes beady and pleading.

While it's true that at one point I wanted to find a way to get back home and make sure Mom is okay, I've given up on that.

I smiled. "Of course not."

I ruffled my fingers through her purple hair.

"I'd never leave my little sister like that."

Myu's face lit up when I called her that, and she threw her arms around me.

"Are you gonna be a Messenger for Father?"

I nodded.

She was beaming at this point.

"Really?!" She exclaimed.

I'm happy with spending the rest of my life here with you.

~

I jolted awake at some point in the night, drenched in sweat. There were no windows in this room.

I'm awake again at 3am. My head's so tired but... I don't care.

Almost every night I wake up from a blissful nightmare, dreams where I'm tormented with my past, and the futures I'll never get to see.

Sage wasn't next to me this time when I crawled out of bed, trying to wipe my face dry and shake out my shirt. I went to the living room where there was a window, then sat on the couch and curled up in a ball, resting my head on my knees.

There was a storm outside. A nasty one, too. The stars and lightning held me tightly, a blanket I pulled in close to protect me from my thoughts.

Today marked the day I was to be shown some of the kingdom. Lockwood never said it, but I'm sure he was planning on announcing that I was adopted into the royal family.

But instead, he went to his grave knowing that he never told me how he felt. And Myu never got to unveil her surprise.

The image of Lockwood Sakari in his final moments was burned into my brain. His eyes were wide with fear, and he mouthed something, but my fear muffled his words clouded his feelings.

And because I'm a lowlife, coward piece of shit, Myu and Lockwood Sakari's true final messages won't ever be heard.

I felt Myu's hand around mine as she gripped it for dear life, blood running towards her palm and reaching the fold between our hands as she drew her last breath.

My hand still had the stain from her blood.

I felt the arrow whiz by my face as Lasory begged me to leave her and the castle behind.

I felt how badly I wished that arrow didn't miss.

I felt alone.

Laying my head down in between my knees, I stared at my bare feet and the floor. There were scars there too.

The couch next to me pressed down lightly.

I looked up and over my hunched stance to see a woman sitting, gazing ahead. She looked back over at me.

My breath stopped. I leapt across the sofa and locked my hands behind her, trapping her in my arms so she could never leave. Our skin matched in color, and her hair blended perfectly with mine.

"I missed you, Lydia."

"You too... Lydia."

I held in my arms a woman perfectly identical to me.

Her name was Lydia, just like mine.

"You had me terrified for a second there," I scolded as I pulled back and locked eyes with her.

It was pouring buckets outside, and an extremely close bolt of lightning reigned from the sky, then the thunder boomed.

"I can say the same for you," she retaliated, standing up and going towards the wall.

"What do you mean?"

She grabbed the candle from its holder and lit it with one of the ones on the walls just outside and came back in.

Its light was low, but I could see small splotches of dirt on her face and clothes, and her glasses were smudged. Yet, the smile on her face was enough to make anyone forget about that.

A comforting, grounding feeling. One of looking deep into the eyes of someone both identical and yet completely opposite of me and knowing that I was understood.

"Well," Lydia began as she sat, nearly touching her body to mine. "You're all down in the dumps. I was scared to death that you were gonna go full Lydia mode and shut down to pretend nothing's the matter."

Leave it to her to be a blunt ass.

I didn't respond, namely because she was painfully right.

"See? Look at that, I was dead on the money."

"Where were you all this time?" I half snapped, half worried.

She looked away and placed her arms down like she was getting ready to stand.

"Hey, don't turn away," I pleaded. "I want you to stay." Having a decent conversation with her requires some tact, since you have to tiptoe if you want her sticking around.

"You forget that I'm not exactly alive. I'm tethered to you, so when you go and flee the country, it kinda throws me off."

Lydia is... me. Well... I'm her. I live in a borrowed body. I'm walking around in the skin of someone else, and that someone else should be dead. It just so happens that she can see ghosts, and that the only ghost I can see is her.

So... I'm friends with the ghost of the woman whose body I inhabit.

Though I've long-forgotten the person who took this body and its memories.

"So talk to me... what's on the brain?"

"Huh?" I snapped back, like a deer in headlights. God, you can't hide a thing from her.

"C'mon. Something's bothering you. And I've got a funny feeling I know exactly what it is."

I sighed and then caught my breath, frustrated and trying to form the words and emotions brimming at the cusp of my lips without blowing up.

"L-listen, I don't need yet another person pestering me about all this stuff."

"Hey, I'm not here to pester you about anything. You know that. I just want to talk. That's it," she reassured with a soft voice. It was funny to hear, since that's my voice, but it made sounds I could never muster.

"Sage, Lasory, Fezege... everyone... I can't deal with all these cheery people trying to force me to work on myself... I don't need all this crap on my plate."

This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

"So do you just want space?" She asked.

"I-I guess. It's not like I don't like them..."

"Then is it that you don't want them to boss you around?"

"Not really - it's nice to be pushed but-"

"So what do you want then?" She firmly asked as though it were an ultimatum. "You're upset about a lot of things you don't want right now - what do you want?"

I felt blood rush to my head. My eyes widened a little, as though I'd seen a ghost.

"I..."

My gaze trailed off and my face lowered, and I began to panic. "I don't know." My eyelids grew quite heavy and I rubbed my thumbs over my palms.

"I think you're lying," she narrowed her eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"There it is," she shot out suddenly, startling me. "That look you give me whenever I'm dead right. You inherited it from me, so I would know."

I hesitated for a moment, and I guess that was all she needed. She's the last person I can lie to. Or maybe I'm just a terrible liar.

"You're really serious, aren't you?"

Both of us stopped and stared into space for quite some time. It was her that broke the silence.

"Listen. It's your body, your second chance at life. You do what you want with it. But there is something..."

I looked at her earnestly.

"Do you remember the one thing I asked you to do?" She questioned.

"...yeah."

"Have you done that?"

"Oh I've seen it all," I said, a little more snappy than I intended. "Nothing but death and crooked, awful people. This place is just as bad as the one I left."

She held the candle out in front of her, our bodies now opposing one another, with its light painting focus on the seriousness in her face.

"I can't argue that as much as I wish I could. But I- no, you... we remember... the good in this world. The joy that people can share with each other. You have to hold on to that, Lydia."

I felt a pain in my gut as my heart leapt for joy and then immediately stopped itself in its own tracks.

Hystial.

Myu.

"But all that joy has just been taken from me," I argued, a crack in my voice startling me, then letting me realize just where I was headed.

"Maybe so. But you should learn the strength to keep that joy in your life when it comes around next time."

"There won't be a next time!" I shouted all too loudly. "Not after Myu!"

Lydia only scooted next to me, setting the candle on the nightstand and rubbing my back as she made shushing sounds. I began to cry again, this time slowly, trying to choke it down and only turning a gushing wound to one that oozed for twice as long.

"How do I get over it?" I begged as the worst of the flood came. "How do I just move on??"

The ghost didn't reply. Just rested her head against mine as she wordlessly told me that she understood. She'd been through the same grief, more than once.

Everything came flashing back again. I thought about Myu's giggles at every little thing I did. How when I screwed up, I was used to being laughed at, but she was laughing with me. That sweet laugh echoed down a hall in my mind, and her innocent, pearly white smile told me everything would be okay, over and over again.

I sat beneath the rai tree with her in my mind as we ate nuts and she cracked them for me. I followed her to the hammock garden and ate cafeteria food with her, falling asleep as we cuddled close.

I missed my sister.

"Time is the only thing you can't lose, yet you're losing every day. Don't take away what you have from yourself - even if you can't change what you lost, learn to keep what you get."

Words were failing me, instead resigning to take her advice in as deeply as I could.

"Good things are coming, Lydia. You have to trust in that. Stay strong. Look for the good in things, and trust in these new faces. They're your allies now. You've gotta find something new worth living for."

She yawned and rested her head on my shoulder.

"Seriously, take a breather. No need to get so worked up. Your whole head's a mess, so stop listening to everyone else, including yourself."

I was just about certain she'd passed out as soon as that sentence left her mouth.

You make it sound like I can just snap my fingers and be calm. That's like saying "have you tried not being sad?"

A lot of fucking people died!

That's not something I can just turn my head the other way over and forget about.

I wanted to wake Lydia up and toss her off my shoulder for saying something as stupid as that, but on the other hand, this was the first time I'd seen her since the raid on Sakari. I needed her here for me, and when she leaves, I don't know when she comes back.

So... I'll take your shit advice and just... not be sad.

Simple as that, right?

~

That morning, I followed Lasory around in a trance. Moving my legs around and seeing all the new places in the castle - which he had no hesitation about finding his way through - helped my brain churn through the mountainous task at hand: figure out what to do from here.

The Doctor was all around the library, and talked to a few others with fancy getups, seemingly professors and researchers, often with a nose in a book and with a pen to a paper.

That's what he used to do when he wasn't tending to Myu or on a Messenger's errand. He was, in the end, a scholar above any other role in life. I guess I was just impressed. Here I am moping about, lazing around, and doing nothing with the life I still have, and he's right back to whatever semblance of normalcy he can find. And seemingly enjoying himself doing it.

I kept off to the sidelines - which wasn't too out of the ordinary for me, and Lasory didn't pay it much mind. He'd say hi to me sometimes, but then he got right back into his state of focus, diligently reading up on whatever it was he was studying.

As midday drew on, he went down the mess of halls again, greeted someone, and then not-so-kindly told me to shoo. And there he left me in front of a closed door with a furrowed brow and creased forehead, working up steam.

Yeah yeah I get the message.

So I'll go bother Sage instead!

She wasn't hard to find—working up a sweat in fisticuffs with her teacher in the barracks. My seat at the edge of the room was the best in the house, of course one as far away from that Keith guy and his catty girl as I could find, and I remained fixated on her sparring the whole rest of the day.

No matter what opponent she faced, she did it with the same fire in her eyes, even if she was dying for a breath of air, she'd still have her head in the game, trying to improve her martial arts.

Really it was just fun to watch. Mesmerizing in a way.

This became something of a schedule to me. Every single day, almost without fail, Lasory would have his nose in a book, and Sage would have hers thrown to the ground by her teacher a few times. And I'd tag along and watch.

It was impressive. The way both of them had something they loved so much, this passion that called them to train every single day.

I wish I had that.

Sage would walk me back to the twins' place to join me for dinner most nights.

One particular night, she was teasing me, saying that I might as well be a Trainee with how much I'm there in the barracks.

"I bet you could name off at least us 'Heroes,'" she prodded.

I guiltily muttered out, "Well there's the musclehead Keith, his icky girlfriend Angelina, and the twins Edgar and Yoru."

She thought for a moment, then flicked her eyebrows up and grinned. "See? What'd I tell you. You're one of us."

I was silent most of dinner, as Ghost Lydia's words rang out in my consciousness, and I pondered: if I'm supposed to find some kind of purpose, what could I fall in love with like Lasory and Sage have fallen in love with their hobbies?

And as if on cue, the candles dimmed, the twins folded their hands, and that blue glow drifted from their bodies, enveloping the rest of us, the food, and the table.

Those sparkly orbs, like stars in a galaxy, or celestial fireflies in the night, drifted along the tabletop, weaving through the tufts of my hair, and keeping my gaze locked in place. Every night they did this, and every night it left me completely breathless.

That's it...

Magic.

As soon as that thought crossed my mind, my eyes and heart lit up. There wasn't any second guessing about it. That's what I want to do.

Imagine it... changing the world around me, bending the laws of nature, on sheer willpower alone. One of the greatest feats a person can achieve - learning it, that is. That night, when it was time to sleep, I was awake for a while, just staring at the ceiling and smiling to myself, thinking about learning to cast spells and making beautiful sights and scenes just the same way the twins do.

I didn't know how I was going to do it, or a damn thing about the art of magic, but I knew I wanted to figure it out.

A child's dream to have, and yet here I am, a grown woman, deciding this was my calling. Many young kids lay awake at night and swear to their mothers they'll become great mages just the same way the Saint did. And inevitably, every one of them realizes just how nearly impossible it is to cast even a basic spell, and thus quits all too quickly.

But that's not gonna be me!

The next day, I snuck off to the library, and found a nice floor cushion in the dim corner of the loft, where I circled the numerous tomes that lined the shelves and stacked quite the collection of pieces on magic.

Of course, there was no set direction or guidance here. Just random selection and a whole lot of crossed fingers.

"Yes yes yes yes!" Ghost Lydia called out from behind me as she watched me grow my pile of books. "I'm proud of you."

My plans still stand... but if I can have some fun before then... I will.

Soon after, I made like Lasory and buried my nose in a book.

"Cassliamastro's Magic and Monsters, vol. 2," it read. I couldn't find the first one, so this will have to suffice. Everything else was more along the lines of, "Advanced Magic Theory: Application in Everyday Life," and the like. Probably not beginner material.

As soon as I began reading, I found I didn't have to worry about staying focused. My eyes dragged themselves along to the next page, time and time again, and minutes blended into hours. Whereas I would often scan a room, or pace it in thought, or change tasks at the hour to keep from being bored... that wasn't an issue this time.

Something something what if it's the wrong thing to do yadda yadda what if it's hard something blah something?

For the remainder of the week, this became my routine. Lay awake at night, giddy at the thought of what I might learn the next day, and spend the day, forsaking even meals, tucked away in my corner of the loft. I was in the same vast library as Lasory, and yet we never crossed paths. There was even a little nook to stash my books away, so I wouldn't have to run around finding them the next day.

It took me the whole week to get through the Cassliamastro tome, and that was just the initial read. It was going to need a few pass throughs.

"Magic is the tool by which the soul shapes the world—the magic in magic is that it was merely a facet of our desires all along."

Who let this guy write a textbook?? I cried internally. I'm just reading a bunch of... YAPPING.

I'd have to find my way back to dinner, writing off my absence in a new way each day. I couldn't get away with telling Lasory I was hanging out with Sage and telling Sage I was following Lasory around forever.

So as I was wrapping up my second read of the textbook and setting my quill down, tell me why a voice called, "Whatcha doin'?"

I looked up to see Sage grinning ear to ear, watching as my feet still swayed back and forth, half my brain still excited about the textbook, and the other half in shock.

"Picking up a new hobby, are we?"