There is a famous quote from long ago, from my original planet. I can't remember who said it now, but since they are long gone, as is the planet, I doubt it matters, but the quote itself does. The quote goes, as best as I can remember "When telling a story, start at the beginning, continue until you reach the end and then stop".

Unfortunately, the start of my story is pointless and doesn't make sense, the middle only makes sense if you know the ending, and the ending hasn't happened yet. However, since these are my memoirs, I can write it however I want, especially since I doubt there is any chance of anyone reading it. I am so far away from civilised space, so far from anyone who might be able to receive it, that this seems destined to be nothing more than shouting into the void. But I have nothing else to do as I approach The Black, so I may as well record this. And if by some chance someone finds these recordings, then I hope that they gain something from them, whatever that may be.

So, where to start? Well, let's start with where I am and why I am here. After many failed attempts to end my life, for reasons that are my own and I may tell in time, I am journeying to what has been rumouredabout forever. I do not know if what I seek is real, or if it is even possible, but that I will find out eventually. It is called "The Black". It is said to be the beginning and ending of existance, so if there is any place that I can end my cursed eternal existance, it will be there. Now, if you are listening to this, then do not think that I am glamourising death. Death should be avoided at all costs, trust me, I know what it is to die. It hurts. And more than that, it achieves nothing. It does not solve any problems, it just moves the problems around. Any and all killing, either that of yourself or of other people should be avoided at all costs. 

However, the reason that I am seeking an end to my existance, is that it is the one thing that I have not been able to do throughout my eternal existance. And when I say eternal, I mean it. I am at least tens of thousands of years old, maybe even hundreds of thousands, and I have died in more ways than I can count. I have been stabbed, shot, drowned, hung, poisoned and many more. None of them are pleasant, well almost none, but most of all, none of them have worked on me. I will explain the beginning later, but for now, all you need to know is that I cannot die. I have seen more, lived through more, than any human has a right to. I have known love and hate, great happiness and great sadness, and everything in between. I have been poor, rich, slaves and kings, and after all this time, what do I have to show for it? A spaceship that isn't mine, a robot that doesn't work, and an endless journey to end it all.

And memories. I have more memories than I ever thought it would be possible to have. I do not know how it works for other people, other Eternals, but for me, I have forgotten nothing. Ohh, I may not be able to remember every single detail, but who can? Sure, I may not know what I had for breakfast last week, but who does? However, I remember the big things. Every planet I have lived on, every person I have loved, every person I have lost. And what is the biggest surprise, at least it was to me, is that while it doesn't get easier, eventually what you remember most about the people that you lose is how you lost them. I guess feelings can fade with enough time, but the facts, they never go away. And some of those facts can burn you.

So, I guess I should explain what I am. Why I call myself an Eternal. Well, I wasn't always an Eternal. I was born a human on a small planet far away from here. Well, here is far away from everywhere, so that's meaningless. It was far away from what became the Galactic Partnership. Some people say that we were all from my planet at one point, but I can't prove that either way. Either way, I was born there, I grew up there, and I died there. And while that should've been the end of it, it was not. For some reason, I woke up again, on the morning of the day I died. At first, I thought it was just a dream. I was stupid enough to die four times that day, before I figured it out. I never did figure out what happened to make me an Eternal. During my life, I have met other's like me. People who just don't die. Some because their lives are just exceeding long naturally, some who use artificial means to extend their own lives, and some, like me, who just live forever. I am one of the lucky ones, supposedly, because I am locked in time, forever the age I was when I died that first time. 35, if your curious. My body has not aged since then, another mystery. I can live a thousand years without dying, and I am always 35. 

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

I hate it. 

I really, really, hate it.

Just once, I would like to be 50, or 40. Hell, even 36 would be fine. But no, always 35.

Any before you ask, it's not genetic. I have had children, many, many children, and as far as I know, none of them have inherited my curse. Well, cursed existance. I do not know if this is the result of magic.

Oh, yeah, magic exists. Well, what I mean when I say magic, is that there exists people who can use and control energy that goes beyond what I gew up thinking of as being possible. I have seen people through fireballs, read other people's minds, and so much more. But all it is, is the manipulation of energy. Even when people think they are summoning demons or spirits, or whatever they tell themselves they are doing, all they are doing is converting energy to matter. Don't ask me how it works, because I don't know. What I can tell you is that anyone can learn how to do it, at least with enough time to study and practice, but since all you are doing is converting energy, it's really only useful on certain planets, which for whatever reason have an overabundance of energy, usually some sort of radiation. Since once you get away from planets, especially once you leave a solar system, there is little extra radiation, it becomes much harder to do. Still, it's a neat trick that can help in a bad situation.

Where was I? Ah, yes, Eternals. Well, eventually I left my home planet and started travelling throughout space. Long story, many different adventures, blah blah blah. Nothing important for now. Anyway, as I travelled, I realised that I was meeting some people again and again. Eventually, I realised that they had lived far longer than most people and I asked them about it. That's when they introduced me to the group of Eternals. They said that they had seen me around and watched me to see if I was suitable to join them. It all sounds very Freemasony, but all they are a group of people who live far too long and keep in contact to different degrees. At times, the group has been powerful and ruled planets and solar systems, at other times it has been more of a social club. It doesn't matter. All that you need to know is that out there, wherever you are, exists some people who do not die like they should. People who have lived for far longer than anyone needs to. They could be your neighbour, or there might not be one in thousands of lightyears of you. The Group certainly was never that big. Never more that a few dozen at a time, certainly never over 100.

Why is that? Surely, if it's a group of people who never die, then eventually it would have thousands or millions of people. Well, it doesn't. Maybe throughout the universe there are indeed millions of people who never die. But we never found them. Whatever happened to each of us, and it did seem to be different each time, almost never replicated itself. And in truth, most Eternals are not truly eternal. Most have something that can kill them, some way that stops them from living. Fire is a good one, as few things can recover from a really good burning. Unless you're someone like me of course. But I am definitely in the minority. Most of the Eternals just never died, and to them, that is how I am. Someone who has died thousands of times, but from the outside has never died. "Paradoxes within paradoxes" as an old friend used to say.

Anyway, the point of telling you about the Eternals was to help help you understand why I am where I am now. At the ending. The Eternals are the middle, so you need to know where I am now, to understand them. we'll get back to the beginning at some point, but for now, the middle is more interesting. We'll do that part next. What you need to know about the Eternals is that it was in that group that I met the three most interesting people I ever knew, the three people that I loved the most. Unfortunately, they're gone now. My best friend, my greatest love and my greatest foe. They're all gone. One, I killed. One killed the other. And one, one that I do not think I every truly knew. But that's for later. 

Don't worry. We'll get there. Together. And by the end of this, you, whoever you are, I hope you will understand me a bit. Not entirely, because that would be impossible. But perhaps, you can know who I am, what I did. I hope that you will understand why I do what I do now. Why I have made it my mission to do the impossible. To end my life. And maybe, just maybe, you will be able to do what I never could.

Maybe, you will be able to forgive me.