The following email popped up in inboxes across the company.

———————

To: [email protected]

Subject: this email will save your life

Hello Automatomics friends,

First of all, you may have seen me walking around the halls or slouched over a cardboard box in the cafeteria, so I wanted to introduce myself. I’m Maygan 4 and I’m here to solve your problems.

I have an important notice about the restrooms in the building. You may have heard we had two plumbing malfunctions in our bathrooms. I want you to know that everyone is mostly okay, or at least has a chance at a mostly normal life.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY PLEASE DO NOT USE THE TOILETS!

After some initial investigations, we’ve determined that there are spiders living in our plumbing, specifically the pipes that lead to the toilets. These are Big Spiders. They only crawl out once you’ve sat down. Unfortunately, these spiders love to bite and nest in small holes.

The Family Bathroom on the first floor will be the only open bathroom after 5:00PM today! We hope to resolve this in the next couple of days.

Thank you for listening and we apologize about the spiders.

Cheers!

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Maygan 4

Demon Huntress

“Maygan I just crafted the email,” Scooter announced with a certain amount of pride.

“And how long before it dries?”

“It’s already in everyone’s inbox.”

Maygan breathed a sigh of relief. “Scooter, thank you. Now please lock all the bathroom doors. Except for the family bathroom”

“I don’t think that’s possible. None of the bathroom doors have locks. Some don’t even have doors.”

“Can you nail boards over them,” she asked.

“Not without being arrested I think,” Scooter said.

“Oh dear we don’t want that. Can you put up out of order signs on the doors then? And maybe add a picture of an ill tempered spider?”

“Finally, a use for that Sign Making Certificate I earned last year,” Scooter exclaimed. “I knew it wasn’t a waste of money.”

Maygan smiled. She was glad Scooter was on her side.

* * * *

Maygan sat on a cushioned metal bench opposite the family bathroom, wiping the blades of Hon and Koga gently with a white cloth.

“Remember, the big one is for me. You can have the smaller ones,” she said to the swords. “And don’t forget there are innocents around, so none of your apocalyptic strong attacks.”

“Yes, I am well aware of last time. You don’t have to remind me.” Maygan tried not to lose her temper, but sometimes it was difficult. “Boys, don’t make me regret taking you on this trip.”

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Scooter was right about the size of the bathroom. Saying it was small was like saying fire is warm. It would be difficult to accommodate any more than two people inside and even then they’d be shoulder to shoulder. And that’s the advantage she wanted.

It was 4:55PM. She shifted in her seat. Scooter was taking a long time to complete what she considered to be a simple task. But she reminded herself that everyone has different abilities and she was grateful for his help.

Inside the bathroom, she thought she detected a faint gurgling. Perhaps some splashing.

She tapped the comm button. “Scooter, how are you doing? Almost done?”

“I’m done,” Scooter’s voice echoed from just down the hallway. “And look, I found my shoe,” he said proudly, holding one foot out so Maygan could get a good look at it. He grimaced when he saw his shoelace was untied.

She squirmed on the bench upon seeing him. Danger approached and she didn’t want him to be around. And she would do her best to “keep things quiet” as McQuarry had wanted.

“Scooter, I didn’t mean for you to come here,” Maygan said.

“Darn it. I misunderstood. That happens a lot.” Scooter said. He walked in the direction of the bathroom, as if he were about to enter.

“Already checked. There’s no one in there,” Maygan said.

“I was just going to put an out of order sign on this one, too,” he said. The sign had a picture of a toilet with a red line through it. Underneath it were the words “out of order and spiders”. A clip art spider was placed on top of the toilet in the picture.

“Remember, we won’t need a sign for that bathroom,” she said gently.

“Oh, right. Why is 5:00PM so important?”

“Well, if you are of sound mind, you’ve likely already fled the building at the mention of spiders living in the toilets. Most people will gamble that they can wait until they get home rather than use a public stall. And the thought of being here a minute past 5:00PM likely trim down the set of people who might use this restroom even further. But knowing that tomorrow, the entire building will only be using this small bathroom was likely too much for the perpetrator to resist. Hopefully I won’t have to wait long.”

Scooter nodded, pretending he followed the logic of it all. He felt as if Maygan 4 had the entire situation under control.

The clock on the wall ticked to 5:00PM. “Perhaps you should leave,” Maygan suggested kindly. “Things could get ugly.”

“If it’s okay. I’d like to help.”

A sound of water splashing started from inside the bathroom, but it was so quiet that only Maygan’s trained ears could hear. Maygan saw that Scooter remained blissfully unaware of the gathering storm.

“You are inner strength is inspiring,” Maygan said. “After this is over, I would love to train you in the ways of my master.”

“Really,” Scooter said, eyes bright. “I’d like that. Someday I hope to do something great,” Scooter said quietly. He saw that the shoelace on his left shoe danced freely as he moved. “Darn things won’t stay tied. No wonder I lost my shoe earlier.” Standing at the door, he knelt down to tie his shoe.

The door to the bathroom opened outward so slowly and so silently that Scooter did not notice. In the open doorway stood a shadow. The silhouette cut like a man, but moving with an unusual motion, like the shimmering of a mirage. The shape emitted a low grunting noise that seemed to come from everywhere around them.

“What was that Maygan? Did you say something,” Scooter asked while focusing intently on tying his shoelace.

“Not a peep from me, Scooter,” Maygan said. She stood and quickly moved to the door.

Scooter was still at his shoe, tying the laces. For the first time, Maygan was glad he took so long with simple tasks.

“You’ve been very helpful today, Scooter on my first day here. I’m bound to have so many more questions for you tomorrow. It may be prudent for you to call it a day. Gets some rest for a bright tomorrow,” Maygan put herself between the shadowy figure and Scooter, and in a quiet blur motion, kicked the figure square in the chest, knocking it back into the small family bathroom. She swung the door closed tight, leaning against it with her body. Maygan frowned at her heeled shoe, now covered in brown goo. She tried to kick off the goop discretely but it was no use.

“Dammit,” she uttered.

“You don’t need me any more today,” Scooter asked looking up at her.

“It’s okay, I think I’ve got it for today. Go home and catch up on your favorite-“

There was a gurgling noise from inside the bathroom. Scooter’s eyes opened wide.

“Oh my, today’s lunch has made an impact.” Maygan stretched herself against the door, as if bracing for it to explode outward. “But I’ve got this. Are you doing any more certificate work? I’d feel terrible if you got behind.”

“Yeah I’m actually taking a course on speed reading.” He stood, and shook his foot, now confident that his triple knot would stop his shoe from becoming untied again. “You really don’t mind?”

“Don’t worry, I got this. I have special training in such things. Have a good night Scooter,” Maygan smiled as she leaned hard into the door. Another loud gurgling came from the bathroom.

Scooter smiled before he walked away back down the hall to the elevator. Maygan watched to make sure he was out of sight and out of harm’s way.

* * * *

A unholy belch erupted from within the bathroom, shaking the door.

“Who dares to interfere with Dumpus the Mighty’s quality time?” It pounded on the door like someone with a sledgehammer trying to break it.

Maygan put her weight into the door, hoping it would remain closed until she could think of something. Dumpus pounded on the door. Thump. Thump.

“This is worse than I thought,” Maygan said to herself. “The power is awesome. I can feel it.”

Dumpus laughed. “Correct. I am powerful. And awesome. You can’t imagine what it’s like living beneath the asses of weak minded fools,” Dumpus shouted through the bathroom door. “Rarely have I needed more than simple spells to inflict chaos. It’s but a sneeze for me. Why should I live in darkness, hiding in your pipes of water and waste? In the shadows of your butts? I should live in this world. No, I should own this world.”

The door exploded, ripped from the metal hinges, knocking Maygan across the tile floor. She slid across the floor face up, coming to rest against the wall in the hallway. She propped herself up.

The figure stood in the doorway and for the first time Maygan could see that the face of Dumpus did not look like a man, but like a chocolate fountain.

“Maygan 4, prepared to be devoured,” Dumpus roared.

“Dumpus, it’s time we wiped up your mess.”