When one adventures for as many decades as I, one forms a certain set of job-related expectations. Basic things. Rain makes it harder to sleep. Shopkeepers will try to screw you in any major town. High-tier magic is hilarious when used against people who have none. Swords cut what they hit.

You know. The obvious.

Though it appeared, even after all this time, fresh surprises still cropped up. Such as the poor Goblin, who, moments before, stood straight-backed while guarding his clan’s cave. Was, of course, being the keyword. Now? Thanks to the efforts of Julia, our orc barbarian, he was nothing more than a series of skin flaps that littered the ground.

Not even the blood remained! Though that was less to do with the strike’s power, and more the sword’s intrinsic magics. Still. He exploded without a sound, quite a feat. Resting her gleaming broadsword on her fur-covered shoulder, she shot me a thumbs up, which I enthusiastically returned.

Our valiant Mayor, who joined to guide us to the cave, did not manage the sight so well. With a wrenching cough, he vomited all over the ground. Far more smell than the goblin made. A quick gesture and the mess vanished from the Mayor’s face. After all, decent adventures knew. Cleaning spells that didn’t cost spell slots were a must.

Hadeen grimaced at the display, his dark cloak billowing as his eyes narrowed at the bits of skin.

“Remind me,” I turned to the Mayor, whose wide eyes were flicking between the members of our small adventuring company in evident fear. “What was our task again?”

Julia, starting work, drowned out his response. Muscular arms barely bulged as she removed the rocks blocking our way into the cave. One-handed. Unimpressive, until you realized most of the boulders averaged the size of a horse and rider combined.

Sighing, I leaned in and caught his third pathetic attempt to explain.

“K-kill the local goblins. They waylay our caravans and—” The Mayor started, his voice shaking as he tried to focus on anything but the remaining bits of goblin.

“What’s the pay?” Hadeen asked, his tone impatient. Not uncommon for a human, everything needed to be done with haste because of their tiny lifespans. Though it was possible, the impatience was more how this baby quest wasted our talent.

And he wasn’t wrong. But the Adventurer’s Guild did demand we do some work in the less prosperous villages. A show to prove they still cared about the community, or whatever they were telling people these days. I mean, max-level adventurers like us dealing with simple LVL 1 goblins? Insanity.

Though, being honest, it would be a refreshing break. Dragons are tough bastards, and trying not to get killed was a pain.

“So exterminate everything inside, and then come back for the…” I trailed off, and the Mayor supplied the rest.

“Ten gold.”

Hadeen choked, spluttering words in a language I was grateful the Mayor wasn’t familiar with. That wouldn’t pay for the hirelings we purchased to watch our mounts on the trip into town, not to mention whatever bar tab they might rack up. If our luck held, Samantha, our stable hand, would stop Gregory or Thomas from getting too drunk.

No need to pay for damages caused by another bar fight.

“Entrance clear!” Julia called as she slammed a fist against the stone. I swear a wall trembled, but that wasn’t surprising given her magical belt. Tripled her strength! Madness.

With a quick goodbye to the Mayor, whose relieved look made me smile, we got into formation.

Hadeen pushed ahead, and I made my way behind him, as Julia took the rear. It was our basic play, as Hadeen would notice any traps, and anyone dumb enough to backstab Julia would regret it.

Plus, this way, if we needed light, I could summon some that would envelop the entire party. Not that we would. Each member of the party had purchased night vision goggles. Sure, they turned everything gray-scale, but it was better than alerting everything in the vicinity to your presence.

Though considering goblins weren’t nocturnal, there would be lights somewhere. Which would make it easier to see the carnage coming. 

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With a mechanical double-checking of our packs, we set foot into the cave, Hadeen’s whispered grumbling leading us into the dark.

****

We hit the back of the natural cave structure in record time. A single wooden door was the remaining obstacle to the rest of the complex. This was going to be a problem.

“SMASH IT DOWN!” Julia roared as Hadeen attempted to hold her back.

“No, we need to check it for traps,” His soft voice held a sharpness to it. “We cannot—”

“—Goblin traps are nothing to the Mighty Murder! I will rend their traps with nothing but my power!” Her voice thundered around the cavern, her eyes bulging as she held herself back from squashing Hadeen like a bug.

“True. But we must keep up good habits,” I remarked, before twitching my fingers and mumbling a few arcane words. A golden cloud appeared around her head, and my sigh was audible as she calmed down. Some wizards claimed being able to soothe passions was a weak spell. Those wizards were idiots.

“I… I suppose.” Julia relented, as she breathed in the cloud. “I want to smash.”

“We know,” Hadeen said, turning around and pulling out an intricate set of tools. “If it’s not trapped, then it’s all yours.”

“After I scry,” I interjected.

“Yes, after Elfier scry’s.” Hadeen nodded his head, stepping away from the door. “All yours.”

Julia gave me a look that had the clear meaning of telling me to hurry. Another incantation, and waggle of my fingers, and a spectral cat sat before me. Every wizard scrying conjuration was unique. I liked this one. It reminded me of my pet cat, Blackpaw, eaten by a dragon before they both perished.

That exploding collar had been worth it.

The cat phased through the door and entered the next cavern. Small, crudely dug out and holding a few sleeping goblins. The next one contained some kind of crude totem pole, and the last one in line held the chief and his horde of guards. The text above his head said, LVL 3: Goblin War Mage. 

Big guy, at least for goblin standards. Fat, with a necklace of human teeth and a scepter of bone. Even through my familiar, the magic he wielded was obvious. Obviously weak. Two spell slots, at most. Though the staff might hold let him cast something as well.

Something minor. Forcebolt? That would be the type of destructive spell to impress goblins. 

Relaying what I’d seen back to Hadeen, he nodded as Julia rocked on her heels while staring at the door.

“Might be worth a couple of extra gold? Try not to break it, yeah?” They directed this last bit at Julia.

She nodded, and without another word, we waved her through.

I’ll give it to those goblins. They convinced me sleeping through an execution was the way I wanted to go.

We followed behind a rampaging Julia. Even Hadeen’s need to detect traps vanished at the sight of her destructive fury.

“When was the last time she cut loose like this?” I asked, ducking the shredded goblin head, Julia unceremoniously tossed aside.

“Wolf cave, in those ice mountains,” Hadeen replied, skirting around the pooling blood.

Laughter bubbled up at the memory. It had been so cold, casting spells had been a struggle. Stiff fingers and magic could be a problem. Hadeen had been in a ridiculous coat while drinking warming teas the entire time. With her orcish constitution, Julia hadn’t appeared to even feel the difference.

Those poor pups. Pelts had sold for a pretty penny, though.

I stepped into the fight when the totem pole exploded. A low-level ghost appeared, its translucent form allowing us to see the outline of the goblin it once was. Female by the way it held itself, proud and steadfast.

Mouth agape, it began a ghostly wail before my stream of fire disintegrated it on the spot. Julia didn’t even turn, instead choosing to hurry into the chambers of the chief.

I looked at Hadeen and laughed. “Hey Julia, you focus on the boss. We’ll get any additional minions!”

Hadeen’s eyes crinkled in mirth, as Julia’s roar of approval almost defend us both.

We went in blasting.

A dagger from our rogue’s hand split a goblin skull in two, causing the beast to fall inches away from its bedroll. Another came at me. Foul thing. A wave of my hand cause an inaudible effect, before it, and several of its friends, fell, blood pouring from dull eyes. 

Psychic attacks were a nasty bit of work. Fighting the things from beyond the curtain taught me that. So I may have picked up a thing or two. The Chief didn’t even rise from his seat before Julia grabbed him. She hugged him until his eyes popped like a grape.

Hadeen and I looked up with a relieved sigh. The scepter remained intact.

Gathering our loot, we left the cave.

All ready to celebrate a job well done.