It was an awkward thirty minutes or so to wherever we were going. Neither of my new captors seemed to intent on conversation. The joker from earlier was keeping his weapon trained on me, and Eleanor had put back on her helmet, and by her head tilts was talking to someone. As soon as I had got on the not-chopper they had made it clear that my bag belonged in the cargo compartment above Joker, as I had started calling the laughing trooper. So my book in there was also out of reach. I thought about asking, but scary guns were still nearby, and pointed at my chest. So I sat still and waited. We touched down outside a large cottage in the woods. As soon as I was taken out I was led around to a side door. It was another interrogation room set up very similar to the one the vampires had for me just a little while ago. It even had a glass of water in front of each chair. I sat down, while Cpt Eleanor sat opposite of me. She took off her helmet again. “Well Mr. Dina, do I have to actually ask the questions you know are coming?”
I looked at her as innocently as I could. “Well it might make me feel special.” She glared at me. “Alright so I’m guessing you want to know why I was in a shootout with a bunch of people in a German warehouse?”
She nodded. “And why your pistol grounded a vampire without anything special on it.”
I cursed. “I was hoping the wooden stakes were a coincidence. Would you believe I’m an incredibly unlucky serial killer?” She shook her head. I sighed and leaned back. “I use a wooden core in some of my bullets, they don’t have any actual range, and they’re coated in silver. When it hits it does the same thing as a stake.”
She nodded, she also sat quietly. After a few seconds, she looked down at her helmet. “You get that H?”
The helmet crackled for a bit before it began talking. It had a boys voice, and a youngish one to. “Yeah, not a bad idea, though I imagine that he’s been doing this a while to have made that sort of thing.”
I stared at the helmet, then back at Eleanor. I flipped between the two for a second before she smirked. “What, did you expect I would interrogate you alone? Now, what exactly were you doing in a vampire lair?”
I stopped leaning back and hunched over, resting my arms on my knees. “I was hunting vampires. I don’t know what answer you were expecting. I killed the boss, but he got some poison in me, once I got my gear back it was a matter of getting to my stuff and escaping.”
H cut in, the static echoing through the empty room. “So, why did you have to get your gear back?”
I silently cursed again, I was hungry, and being perfectly honest wasn’t helping. “In order to get their leader alone I had to get captured. It mostly worked.”
Eleanor laughed, it was a surprisingly light laugh, like bells. “Is that why we had to kill small horde while you were coughing blood all over the floor?”
H responded before I could. “Uh, boss. If he was coughing blood shouldn’t he be in medical? I mean, it might be contagious.”
I started to agree but Eleanor cut me off. “Trust me he’s fine. We saw what was in his pack. We need to ask him a few questions before he goes on his way.” I didn’t like the sound of that, but at least it sounds like I wasn’t going to be killed. Eleanor walked to the door and opened it. She peeked out and came back in, carrying my pack. She put it down on her side of the table. “So, we saw some strange things in here that we’ll need your help Identifying. Do that, and we’ll take you home. Don’t do that, you’re stuck here. Sound fair.”
I shook my head. “Nope, though I’ll agree against my better judgement.”
She smiled. “Smart man.” She pulled out four things. One was my ring, which was still glowing. Both my pistols, and the jar that I had used as a makeshift poison cure. She looked over them and then looked at me. “Let’s start easy.” She picked up the ring and twirled it around her finger. “What is this?” I opened my mouth and she cut me off. “And if you say a ring it will not be pleasant.”
I rethought what I was going to say. “A friend of mine put a spell on it. It emits pure sunlight for a couple hours after you activate it.”
She quirked an eyebrow. H cut through it though. “A spell, so you know a wizard?”
I nodded and moved my chair a bit. “I know a few, they’re my main paycheck. I’m a hunter. They pay me, I get rid of anything making the Perishables notice our little world.”
Eleanor picked herself up. “Perishables, what do you mean?”
She began walking towards the inner door and tapped it twice. A hidden door in the middle opened up and a pair of brown bags were passed through. I perked up. “Perishables, as in will perish. Anyone who doesn’t have a toe in our freaky world is called a perishable. Once you know about... well...” I gestured towards my gear and the room in general. “You find all sorts of ways to live longer, so no one is really stuck in one life anymore, as long as they aren’t killed anyhow.”
She nodded and picked up the pistol. “And all these carvings?”
I lied through my teeth and hoped. “Aesthetics, they match my normal work uniform. Think a modern berserker and you’ve got the base style I roll in.” She nodded and the just pointed to the jar. “Unicorn horn mixed with some phoenix ashes. Dumps everything that’s contaminating your body, and makes you throw it up. It’s a nasty little drink.”
That’s when she played dirty. She held up the MRE bag. “You promise to be cooperative right?” I nodded, vigorously. “Well, dig in.” I did, I was utterly famished after that drink. She took an earpiece out of her helmet and stuck it in. I heard some people talking on the other end. Eventually, she nodded and put it up. After destroying my meal and not so patiently waiting on her to finish hers she got up. “So, where are we taking you. We’ll take you home and part ways.”
I cocked my head to one side. “That’s it? No vaguely sinister deal.”
She laughed that same bell-like laugh. “Well a deal is on the way, but we’ll talk about it on the way. C’mon.” She walked off towards the exit and I followed. “We’re just taking a car, so where are we taking you?”
Now it would be awkward, “Um, I kind of have my own ride in my bag.”
She stopped and looked at me, then at the bag. “So is this some bigger on the inside nonsense, or are we gonna have more questions.”
I sighed, more questions. “Probably the latter. You can grab it. On the outside left pocket.” She reached in and grabbed it pulling out a scroll. It looked like an old style monastery scroll with etchings and prayers calling for safe passage home. “It’s a safe passage spell. Prop it up on a door say the right prayers, and the door will lead you to your front door.”
She sighed. “Shit, do you know how much harder this makes my life?”
I threw out my arms, which caused Joker to suddenly appear from a door with a weapon. I lowered my hands again, slowly. “Well, it doesn’t exactly simplify mine either.” She nodded and put her helmet back on. I looked over at Joker. “Hey, Joker, could you tone down the trigger happy grunt thing. Heaven knows I like that style, just not when the guns are near me.”
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He scoffed. “Well, once I get to know you I’ll direct it to the next weirdest thing in the room.” His voice was smooth. Like, radio personality smooth. I smiled, I was taking a liking him.
After a couple minutes of awkward staring at Eleanor she took her helmet back off. “We’re coming with.”
I sat slack-jawed. “Like to my house?” She nodded and threw me my scroll. I nodded. “Alright, fine. Just... don’t forget my gear please.” She picked it up while muttering about babysitting. I walked over to the door and tried to remember the prayers I’d need to make it so no one else would be there or come in the house while my unexpected guests were there. “Just so you know, my home’s back in the US, so I hope you have a ride back. She nodded and gestured towards me. I read the prayer I thought was right. “Oh Lord our God, grant me a swift road home, grant me a place to rest my weary bone, and for my friends and I to have time to properly worship and praise your name. Amen.”
With that, a soft golden glow enveloped the door and I opened it to the living room of my house. I walked in and looked over at the fair sized room I spent most of my free time in. It was probably about the size of an average living room, with a couch and recliner sitting in front of a TV. My coffee table was in between them sporting a remote and controllers for a game console on it. I barely knew it since my little game room was where I actually played games. Lucy normally played her games in here. My workbench was on the back wall, sporting a bunch of tools that thankfully didn’t look magical. Eleanor walked in behind me. “Nice place.”
I nodded and whistled. “Just watch out for Bruno, he’s loving.” As I said that my dog poked his head up from behind the couch. Then his second head, then the third. All three barked as I felt my new friends suddenly tense behind me. All of Bruno’s tongues lolled out and he walked over to me. He instantly rolled over with one head pleading at me, the other two pleading with Eleanor and Joker. I knelt down and gave him the belly rubs he was after while I heard Joker walk fully in and pat one of his heads. “I know boy, you missed me. Did Frank come and feed you like he said he would? Huh? I bet he only gave you one treat, the little jerk.”
Apparently, me cooing at my dog was enough for Joker to decide he wasn’t a vicious beastie. He started patting Bruno’s nearest head. “Why does your Cerberus look like a rottweiler?”
I stood back up and walked to the fridge. “Because he is, he just had a mom who was also a Cerberus. He’s also best boy, so be nice.”
I opened the fridge in my small kitchen and pulled out some water before gesturing at the fridge. Eleanor walked up and nodded. I tossed one to her, which she caught easily while putting my gear on the counter. “So, we know where you live. Surprised you showed us this honestly.” She looked back at Joker, who had apparently found Bruno’s rope and was watching as all three heads fought over the privilege of giving it to him. She smiled. “ So, how much do you talk to the wizards?”
I shrugged. “Whenever they’re paying me. We go over the mission, if it’s someone I like we talk and hangout, then we part ways. It’s normally just shop talk though.”
She nodded. “I doubt you’ll consider dropping them so I won’t even ask. But it’s about to get more dangerous.” I quirked an eyebrow, but she downed some water before continuing. “We’re going after wizards next. They ever tell you how they get new wizards?” I knew, but I tried to look confused. She may have bought it, no clue. “They take kids, right outta their home. So as you might guess pretty much everyone that knows kinda hates them. Anyways they’ll definitely know by now. We sent a few strike teams out to areas we think are bolt holes, isolated homes with no traffic in or out, but that have everything paid for by unknown companies. Hopefully, we picked the right ones and the Wizards are getting some rightly deserved justice.”
My face paled a bit, these guys didn’t know a thing about what they were stepping into. I held out my hands as if trying to physically stop her. “Look, Captain, that’s a horrible idea.” She looked me over, vaguely like she did when She saw me in the warehouse. I added on. “Traps that wizards can set up are insane like literally can throw them into an insane super strong rage, or even summon ridiculous mythological figures if they’re strong enough. Hell, I technically have one, even if he is a goofy ball of fur.” Bruno decided I must have meant him, and he sadly broke away from Joker to sit beside me, but one head was already looking back at him.
She nodded. “Well, it’s to late to stop it now. Hopefully, no one will get hurt and we’ll have a new guest to talk to. I nodded and felt a side effect kick in. Bruno barked, all three heads swiveling towards me and putting himself between me and everyone else.
See, magic has side effects. The most common is that it drains your life, literally. But with functional immortality that was a small downside, the other was side effects. Mine were visions. After a lot of spellcasting, or major spells that ignore the pitiful laws of reality, I would get a brief glimpse of the future. Never enough to know what happens, and definitely not enough to do anything about, but a snapshot. I was in my living room, a noose around my neck. The doors kicked in, and a team of those stormtrooper knockoffs ran in, Cpt. Eleanor in the middle. Her helmet was off, and she looked odd. Like she was sad, or maybe regretful. They all trained guns on me, and froze. I was standing on a chair, staring them down. “What, didn’t expect me?” I smiled, a vicious, angry thing. “Wanna see a magic trick?” I kicked the stool out, and woke up.
I was leaning on the counter, and Bruno was growling at Eleanor as she had reached a hand out to me. I waved at Bruno. “Down boy. She’s trying to help.” Bruno sat down. Joker had apparently moved towards the kitchen alcove and was rethinking Bruno, staring at him like he was way more vicious than he seemed. I looked to Eleanor. “How long?”
She walked over and the back of her hand went to my forehead. “Five minutes, what happened?” It was clipped, short, I could feel the military edge.
I shook my head and moved her hand off my forehead. “Medical Disorder. Technically Bruno here is an assistance dog.” He barked lolling out a tongue. Joker took a small step back. His hand rested on his pistol grip. I reached down and patted him. “Hey pup, mind grabbing me my meds?” He barked once before my door opened. Then things got complicated. A flash from my sister's door signaled she had seen my privacy ward and decided to ignore it. She walked in through her bedroom door, rosary hanging off her wrist. She was wearing a punk’d out leather vest with a band T under it. He shoulder length brown hair hung loosely around her face as she smiled towards me. “Got another dose bro?”
Before She had made it all the way through the door a pistol was aimed at her face, and I saw the good captain’s hand go for a combat knife on her back. I shouted. “WHOA, what are you two doing?” They both paused and looked at me sideways, still watching the new addition. She looked at both of them and sighed. I got between them as Bruno went to the bathroom for the meds. “Captain, guy who I’ve been calling Joker in my head.” He sniggered again before lowering the pistol. Not holstering it though. I waved my arm as if presenting my new car. “Meet my sister Lucy.”
She nodded and looked over at the two guests. “So did you join the Empire? If so I want a laser sword by the end of the week.”
Capt. Quaine looked unimpressed. “More people, more paperwork. Joker, you’ve got a new name now.”
He laughed. “Well before this my normal name was shut up, so I’ll take it.” He checked his watch. “Gotta call in evac Cap, time limits getting here quick.”
She raised a hand to the bridge of her nose. “Fine, call it up, give them GPS for closest pickup.” She opened a chest pouch and pulled out a notebook. She jotted something down and passed it to me. I glanced at it. A phone number. I raised an eyebrow at her. She shook her head. “Call it in three hours. We may have a job for you.”
I saluted and pocketed the note. “Thank you kindly.” Bruno walked in with a pill bottle in his middle head. I grabbed it and popped the top. I picked out two pills and took them. Shaking my head I put the bottle on the counter. “I’ll be ready.”
She smiled. “If only my guys were so eager to work.”
Joker raised a hand to his chest. “Hey boss, I came with you to America with less than a minutes notice.”
She smirked. “Yeah, but the teleportation cuts that down, thanks anyways though.” They waved and walked out. I sat down on the couch, barely able to stand. The pills would force side effects in a minute.
I looked at Bruno who curled up beside me as Lucy turned on the TV. “Really, gonna dump meds before we even talk. I’m almost offended.”
I sank into the couch and put a hand on Bruno. “If it’s between talking to my sister and having painful hallucinations, I’ll take the trip.”
She giggled. “Yeah you say that, but I know you’ll sing like a canary if I ask about your Imperial girlfriend.” I made to respond and choked up. Bruno whined and it started. Taking the pills made life easier in the long run. No random side effects for about a week or so after heavy spell casting. However, it cost about an hour of the trippiest life imaginable. Visions of the future, dreams, thoughts, all molded into a continuous stream. It meant nothing. I tried to do the whole seer trick, it didn’t work so well. The future never changed what I saw, but it made things worse to fight it.
I woke up a little while later. Bruno had laid across me. On head lazily playing tug of war with Lucy. I leaned up, getting the evil eye from Bruno for disturbing his pillow. “Alright Lucy, how’s digs?”
She looked at me. “Strange. Did you know that four wizards were attacked today?”
I looked her over. She had a look in her eyes, one telling me to explain. I sighed. “Yeah, those guys were part of a freak hunter force. And we’re freaks to them.”
She shook her head and Bruno looked up sadly. She tugged the rope they were holding again. “So how are you walking free and getting offered jobs by them? I’ve known you to long to think you charmed your way into their good grace. How big a lie?”
I sighed. “Huge, I’m now a non-magical hunter who gets contracts from wizards to kill beasties and freaks.” I felt a stab of pain from my left shoulder and noticed the Rune tattooed there was bandaged, with a slight hint of red seeping through the pristine white. “Agh, I'm guessing the ink started bleeding?”
Lucy nodded, leaning back in her chair. “Yep, Bruno barked at me until I patched you up, but on the plus side, your tattoo plan seems to have worked.”
I nodded, patting Bruno on the head as I leaned back. “Yep, scorched their Count to ash and was gonna end up food. The stormtroopers managed to pull my ass out of the fire though.”
Lucy jumped towards me, checking me over much more carefully. “Almost eaten? Didn’t you say they seemed smart enough not to try anything stupid?” She lifted my head and began checking my neck for obvious bites. “Or did my dear baby brother’s plan go straight to hell? Again.”
I rolled my eyes, choosing to focus on my bandages instead of rising to her barbs. “The count had some major ego issues. Decided turning me would save him the trouble of a missing wizard. Poisoned me too, but that was easier to fix.” I peeked under my bandages a moment and smiled at what I saw underneath. While my skin was cracked and burned, the tattoo was still firmly in place, and I could probably use it again right now if I wanted too. “All things being equal though, I think it paid off, the whole court is dead, and I have intel on a group that attacked us, as well as an insider source of information.”
Lucy rolled her eyes. “Fine, I’m sure Frank will show up later to deliver your pay and ask for all the formal hoohaa. Before all that though, since the tattoo’s work what do you say to a little insurance policy?”
I looked at Lucy for a moment before she unrolled a piece of paper with a single rune, and I cracked a smile. “Okay sis, you have my attention.”