Perri was lucky to be alive; or, at least, that’s what she told herself as she fought through the pain. Her throat felt stuck, roaring with soreness as her aching ribs and darkening bruises helped string the memories from last night together. The climb. Quiet moments with Benja. The Iurers. And - her second Mark. The memories were fuzzy, like a dream that she couldn’t quite place, but they were present - leading her down a rabithole of wonderings that threatened to separate her brain from her skull.

But first, breakfast. Perri groaned as she rolled over in her cot. Strange, she didn’t remember coming home last night. The youngest Viate girl, Aanli, was huddled over the small range. Even the smoke couldn’t hide the fact that she was positively fuming. Science help them all! Meanwhile, her Papaa had his hands tied in a tangled mess of wires at the foot of the table.

The tension was thick but Perri did her best to break it. “Mush, how delightful.” She managed as she took a seat across from Papaa, a strained smile on her lips. Aanli looked up at her harshly and then back at the pot.

“No actually.” The smaller girl said without looking beyond the range. Aanli scooped up the mixture into three bowls and Papaa cleared his throat.

“Aanli managed to scrounge up some oats - and a little bit of real milk - for some porridge.” Perri shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Oats were hard to come by for Fives, even in black market circles. She couldn’t imagine what her sister had done for this kind of send-off. And she had ruined it all. “She’s resourceful that one.” Perri couldn’t decide which hurt more - Aanli’s cold shoulder or her own throbbing shoulder.

“It’s nothing.” Definitely the cold-shoulder. Perri reached up to massage her burning temples. Everything was so foggy, it was like her body wouldn’t, no couldn’t, move.

“Well, thank you,” Perri said softly. “Aanli -- really -- thank you.”

“It was nothing.” She said harshly, sliding a bowl to Papaa first and then to her older sister. Perri looked around. This place would feel so empty tomorrow. Even if she was lucky to be Placed at all, it might take months or even years before she was able to visit. The everdutiful eldest Viate, Erdre had only been able to visit a couple of times. And Moniq -- well they were lucky to get an annual letter from her.

Starting tomorrow, everything would be different. She would have her own responsibilities among her own grouping. They ate their Porridge in silence, each bite burning with the uncertainty of the future and the sad realization that the past would never be returned to.

“I don’t understand how you could do it,” Aanli hissed once Papaa had left the room for the outhouse out back. Perri nearly choked on her oats. She tried to feign surprise but Perri knew that her ignorance would only upset Aanli more.

“It wasn’t my choice…” She started. But it was. Didn’t she practically beg them to beat her to a pulp? “Or I didn’t mean to,” Perri corrected.

“You knew it was a risk climbing every week. I suppose I should just be grateful you didn’t break your neck.” Perri was so taken aback she nearly felt her appetite vanish. Nearly. Aanli cleared her throat, a sick taunt lacing her words. “Your luck was bound to finally catch up with you, Perri. Good on you. Now we’ll never see you.”

“You don’t know that.” Perri tried to rationalize, tried to dream of any reality that might numb the pain she felt insight. But she knew that her sister was right. She had been selfish. Stupid. And she had surely paid the price.

“Easy for you to say. You’ve always known everything. Science it’s so infuriating when you’re wrong!” Perri tried to interrupt but the ice in Aanli’s eyes would not relent. “You said you would be fine. You said the Iurers never ventured out here after dark. You said no one would even think to look up for a climbing Five. You were wrong! Damnit Perri you know nothing of what it’s like for anyone existing outside of your head.” Perri’s hands held tight to the wooden table, she couldn’t bear to meet Aanli’s gaze.

The tirade continued: “I thought you were dead! You can’t even imagine what it was like finding you like that, crumpled and broken like a wounded animal. You’re my older sister. You’re supposed to--.”

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So that’s how she had ended up back home. Her stomach churned as she imagined her younger sister finding her in such a state. But she couldn’t keep herself from feeling annoyed - angry even. After all, it was her future that she had destroyed. Perri didn’t need another reminder of the cancer she had become.

“I wonder what it is I am supposed to do,” Perri’s voice cracked. She was sick. Sick of trying to be everything for everyone else and no one to herself.

“I had to beg the Rendy family down the road for some decent salve, you know. Practically promised them my Sundays for the next two years.”

“So you will have a way to remember me after all. Enjoy it.” Perri stood abruptly, her eyes flecked with tears. She wouldn’t give Aanli the satisfaction of seeing how she broke her.

“I’m not finished”

“You know, Aanli, I don’t remember asking you to save me.” Perri pushed the memory of last night as far away as she could. The only thing that fueled her forward was the knowledge that at least Benja was free. It hadn’t been for nothing if he was safe. Perri could pay the price of her own stupidity.

Aanli snickered. “As if I had a choice! Damnit Perri, you are so selfish. I cannot believe you would do this to Papaa after everything.” Silence came between them and Perri held her breath. They didn’t speak of Mamaa. It was a silence pact not to remember the painful aftermath of losing their mother to them. “No wonder you’re a Five, you don’t think about anyone but yourself.”

Perri bit her lip. The tears were welling up now, threatening to shatter her at any moment. She didn’t need this, not today of all days. “Well thank you. What a blessing to know what you really think of me.” Perri grabbed her bowl and took it to the washbasin.

“I didn’t mean it.” Aanli whispered coming up beside her. “I just, I can’t imagine life without you. I’m scared, Per--”

Perri wrapped the younger one into a hug. She felt her throat threatening to close up, her knees as if they were able to buckle. “I know. But I’m the one who is sorry!” Her voice cracked again. “I wish… I wish I could be the sister you deserve.”

Aanli wiped away both their tears. “As if Moniq is any better!” Laughter began to bridge the space between them.

Papaa entered the cabin and cleared his throat. “Aanli, I need you to re-stack the firewood outback…” It was a pointless task but Aanli got the hint and exited the little house.

He sat back at the table and motioned for Perri to join him. Once the door was shut, Papaa checked to see that all four windows were sealed shut.

“I am sure you remember the day that you were Marked.” Papaa said simply. Which one? Perri only nodded. She would never forget that first time, things had never been the same between them. “There is nothing more painful for a parent than having to cast the first stone, having to Mark their child.”

Perri leaned back in her chair. They had never spoken about that day. Another silent pact that held their grouping together. Perri felt the heat bubbling within her chest. It had taken her years to let go of all the anger she felt - was she supposed to feel bad for her father and the choices that he had made? But yet again, Perri knew in her heart of hearts that she couldn’t blame him. There were Iurers everywhere, especially by the wall in the warmer months. If an Iurer had overheard her question without reprove… well, there were far worse things than being Marked. The Viate grouping knew more than most.

Papaa continued, “I had hoped that -- over time -- you would learn the ways of Markom and find a path towards happiness. It’s what I had to do… what we all have to do.”

Perri furrowed her brows. Papaa was making it seem as if he wasn’t perfectly content to be duty-bound to Markom! Learned the ways of Markom? She scanned his eyes for any hint of what lurked beneath.

“Yes, Perri.” He lowered his breath. “This is not an easy life.” Papaa held onto the table, as if truth threatened to cleave him in two. “This is a hard life. But you are strong. In fact, you remind me of someone I used to know,” his eyes sparkled with the secrets she begged to unravel. “You, my true-born daughter, are dangerously curious and too inquisitive for your own good.” He shook his head. “But nothing good comes to a Five who asks questions. Perri, it is time you learn to play by the rules.” His voice was soft and somehow disconnected, like he said one thing but meant another. She couldn’t decipher him.

“I am trying.” She whispered and he laughed.

“Oh Perri, it doesn’t matter how hard you try. It matters how hard they think you try.”

She looked up, puzzled as ever as he looked on dangerously.

“I’ve had questions too, little one. The trick is learning how to move on.”

And with that, Papaa pulled back his long greying locks enough for Perri to see two scars. For he, too, had been Marked more than once.