Are you hiding?

I can’t seem to find you. Did you run away? Hello? Where did you go? I’m scared. Moms home. Did you hear? Is that why you ran? Look, I’m sorry, I’m scared too. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t tell any of it. I take it back. Please, I take it back. Everything…

I don’t know where I should hide. EIIIRRRHHHHH. Hello? I want… I want to … please. Pleaseeeeeeeeee. My head. My head. I don’t understand. A place to hide. Must find a safe place. Here. Right here. Come on, c’mon c’mon c’mon. A little bit more. There. Tight but safe. Okay. Alright. Alright, Penny. Damn straight. I made it. That was lucky. I am lucky. Okay. Okay. I’m good.

Moms home again. And how do I find her, with another guy too? I’m scared. It isn’t safe. No, where is. I can’t find a place. It cant be me. Why always me. I’ve done something wrong. I haven’t done anything. I can’t be found. I am not here. I am not here. I am not here. This is stupid. I need to find a way out. Yes, even though I did just find this place and get in here. And yes, I don’t know where this is. I must have passed this place a million times going downstairs and never saw it as a place I could fit into-

“I found you.” my heart sank as I tried to absorb myself into the walls. I waited for a few seconds, my hands awkwardly placed, pushing, trying to give myself space. I moved downstairs the way and saw my brother reaching in. He grabbed my leg and pulled with all his strength, knocking himself back into the bannister as he slipped. He slid the cloth off the table that it covered my space. I heard his runoff. He came for me. Was he looking for me too? Where did he go? Did mother hear? Whenever she was home, there was trouble. If we didn’t make any sound, she would make herself dinner, watch tv and sleep. I love the tv. But when there was a guy over, she would look for us. Even though we would be sleeping, she would wake us up and showcase us to the guy who was not dad. She would then plop us in front of the tv and go upstairs. We were not allowed to leave until the guy came back down, so we could tell him goodnight. We did go to sleep sometimes. Because sometimes, the guy didn’t leave until morning, and we would have breakfast together and then leave. It was terrible because we couldn’t decide. Is it looking like it will be breakfast, so we can go to sleep on the couch or is it a leaver? But that’s not the end. These are the ones that cause an argument close to morning. The argument causers. Those are the ones that are keeping us from sleeping.

I find it interesting. The tv. It is closed now. She should only take a minute to search. After that, we have to hide for days before she forgets and we can go to school. Sometimes the guy takes forever to eat breakfast, and we need to stay at the table until he leaves. So my brother and I hide. I am not used to it yet. He has all the good spots because he doesn’t tell me. I have it easier than her, he says. I don’t know how he can hurt more than me. I think he is jealous. He doesn’t like the tv as much as I do. He sits and stares a lot. Angrier than any boy in school. I tried to show him what he looked like once, and he laughed. I just copied what I saw on tv. It was great.

There are multiple reasons why I can’t keep this spot up for much longer. My wrists and ankles are hurting. I was pressed up against concrete. I’m trying to move back to sit up facing the exit of this hole, but the roof is slanted. A human shape cannot fit in here, obviously, since I cannot fit in here. But also this space is on the upper floor. Mom will come up here. She is downstairs still. I think the door is still open as well. I think Manuel’s spot is on the roof. He comes back dirty after a few days but not dust dirty. Did he finally come back so we could hide together? Something sharp is against my back; I feel it hurting. I ant cry out. I really messed up. Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny.

I think I remember it right. I think I remember. I remember. Oh! Tv is good because it gets mother through the day. I didn’t understand, but I think I do. The tv isn’t one thing. We can only afford one thing. But tv is wide. She likes it even though our one is not as good as the one in other peoples homes. In our house, mom spends more time in front of the tv sometimes than she does outside. But the tv doesn’t get her mad. She is the best when in front of the tv. Manuel and I had come home from school with mom for two straight days, and afterwards, we were allowed to go to the park. All my friends go to the park, but they go straight after school after their parents come. A playground is a place for parents and kids to hang out. The other parents would make mom mad, so, understandably, she doesn’t let us go. Going to the park every day will get boring very quickly anyway, so I don’t mind. -

Mom has found me. I cast an outline through the cloth draped over. She is pulling me out. My head hurts now bad. I think I might be bleeding. The guy is standing atop the stairs. I think he wants to go home. This is embarrassing.

But very fun at the park. It was a fun week overall. Talked to a lot of friends at school. I started joining in on games and sat next to my friends during lunch and break. I remember the walk to the park. There was a kick of the ball to a group across the street and saying high to the delivery person as he hopped on his van to speed away. The rocks felt warmer. The sky felt brighter. My brother smiled goofily. When we went to the -

*

We played fake dinosaurs with sticks and rocks on the hill. We played with swings, and many people started rolling down the hill, and we joined them. We went again, again and again. It seemed more fun than any equipment in the park. It was a big one, but because of this a lot of the adults would come here. We jumped off the swings and joined a group hanging around the spinning doughnuts. They were testing who could stay the longest. There was also a smaller part of the group rocking on the spring giraffes. Manuel rocked them, and I went over to the people that were picking flowers by the river. They were trying to get at the frisbee in there. I hopped right in and gave it to them. This caused them to want to talk to me a bunch. I felt like a mother duck, with now these groups of people following me around. Manuel was shocked as he jumped off the doughnut to run off to me and throw the frisbee off my hand. He then pushed one of my ducklings then ran away. I kicked the frisbee and ran after him as the tall skinny man with a black hat started running over, holding his hat as he jumped over the plastic mushrooms on the ground. Mom would be angry, and now Manuel too. I kept the flowers, and my shoe fell off in the river when I jumped in. We went back for it because I was not allowed another pair until I got it before, but when I got it back from the side, it had washed up, upon I didn’t get a new pair either. I went home to our scary-looking house.

Manuel came home for breakfast after my failed attempt to hide. I wish she would begone to her tv and bar any man from entering our home. I gathered some ice cubes that had fallen to the floor and had a nice ice patch for breakfast. I wasn’t hungry. It was okay. The guy this time was round and chubby. He didn’t have a beard, but hair stuck out from his face. He looked at Manuel and me the most and left his food untouched. I could have it afterwards if I time it correctly before mother throws it out. But today, I think I will just ask. Manuel is mad. I fear he will commit the murders they do on tv. One time I saw a killer kill a whole household. One person took out everyone that lived there. This scared me until I slept. It took vanished. It came to me so fast that I was able to sleep like a rock after I understood. It started from school and went other to the park and back home to mom and dad. And the tv strung it all together.

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The school was a place to be away from home, with other people around my age all starting learning with teachers that teach the same things to different kids every single year. Here people are learnt to talk and learn how to be smart. I found out that on the playground, smart people are those who take advantage of a situation and be brave, not daring to do what others do not. Finding your own solution then following the problem the group cant figure will allow you to stand out and be at home with mom and dad. This is all different. It is the opposite. Like in the park with people, sometimes the opposite works. Murder works the same. Something that is supposed to be the opposite is not here. There is the natural and then the outside that and then the opposite. Life.

I like dad, but Manuel says that is because he is no longer here. He says he was the escape my mind came up with. He told me I wouldn’t remember any of it, but I do. I want to forget the now and get older. I don’t want to be here anymore. I ask to be taken away the same way a mother does with her tv. But I believe if dad were rotten, he would have stayed too. If what Manuel says is true, he would have survived. And we would have grown up as the monster house. At least that way, I would have an identity of what I am. I could rock the family emblem, and everything could work. Our lives are broken. We are unable to move forward. We are stuck. God should come and reach out to grab me as a mother does. I would accept all pains. I want to leave here. I sometimes dream about walking home from school one day, El and I follow one of our friends home and invite ourselves in, and everybody would act like it is all okay. And we could live like that.

I think I have changed. I am changing. I am growing up. I am different. I know it. Like, know it knows it. Like this is the colour red, know it. This is it. Something happened. Something bigger than normal. Something something. I can tell you if you want to hear. There it is. Hello, studio audience. It is your host, Dave Haverfield. Coming from your life at studios 6 in west Beverly hills. This is. I am. Marketing Penny. Marketing Penny. I love it. I don’t understand it but saying it feels good. Can you see? Can you tell us everything that has happened after the closet?. Do I have to? Do I want to recall everything that has happened to me? I don’t know if I want to. Do I think it will help? I don’t understand. Now I’m more confused. Gotta tell Manuel. But have to wait.

I didn’t get a chance to talk to him after we left for school. He sped up and left me behind. Mother kicked the guy out of the house and went to bed. She didn’t acknowledge us. Maybe we didn’t need to hide out for that long. Why did we hide for that long? I tried catching up to him, but I got lost. I wasn’t focusing. This thing is a lot more distracting than I thought. I can’t seem to understand where I am. I don’t think anyone would in my situation. I’m stuck. I can’t move, should I move. I don’t want to.

I am at home alone. Mom went out two days in a row. This is rare for her, leaving the housework to us again, my brother does most of what mom would do, and I help him out the same way I help her out. I sat down in front of the place I was hiding at. Manuel went to feed the cats and leave out some food for the birds. Nothing was coming to me. The place the transformation happened didn’t have any special effects. All it did was make my stomach hurt, which then caused my head to burst with pain. There was nothing special about it, but I was impressed that I could get in one piece and that I did it without a sound. Mother knocked about the table a lot, and the carpet got messy because of the stain. I don’t want to stay up tonight.

There’s a fencing match I want to see. I don’t want to look at my teacher’s faces at school. Less now, but I hoped they could hear my thoughts. UREKA. That’s it. I think I am having thoughts. I wanted the teachers to read my mind and know everything that I knew, but I have been trying, and they look at me blankly, don’t they know. If I think too hard, I think I could tell you on my own that everyone knows. At least all the guys that come over know. There wasn’t any glass mixed in with the carpet, but the flowers had fallen, and the solution water made the carpet smell weird. I didn’t want to be found. But it was my fault for picking an obvious spot. I was scared. I didn’t want to be seen. I just wanted to disappear. I think it worked. I disappeared so much that now I can hide it out in my mind. Does Manuel have this? I must know, he must tell me.

I’m noting a flaw with this power. And I am declaring I don’t want this. And I still want this. I declare I want to kick my wall. And I haven’t kicked my wall. I can even want this: I say I want to fly and touch the ceiling. And sadly, I am not flying up to the ceiling. But me declaring makes me seem to want it, or seem to make it something real. In head does not equal real life.

Talked to Manuel about it. He said everyone has this and that I was weird for not having it for some time. I told him about thinking and then not doing, and what I didn’t think about before was saying something. Then I can think about the exact opposite in my head and seem to be simultaneous. He ignored me for a while, and when I got his attention, he told me mom had this as well. It taught me people are not simple. You can never know what is on another person’s mind. I think I understand this. If everyone can talk inside their head, they could be a different person in their charge, but how I feel in my head changes mine outside me. If I hurt me outside me, it forces inside me to think a certain way—taking power away from me. Figured out that a person is three parts, one part outside the self, one leg inside self, and one part outside inside together, so makes four then. Them all together. Or not. No, I don’t think that is the case at this time. It makes me understand that I am unable to understand those around me. There is another session of aloneness. When Manuel is out feeding the strays and moms not home. Dads ghost is not here either. And I am alone in my room, waiting for a sound to happen, Turning five senses to one. The world sometimes gets shaded brighter. I think today. I learnt that it could get a shade darker as well.

I was talking to my brother. A ladybird appeared. The door rang. Doesn’t ring. The figure on the bedside dropped. At least it wasn’t my water. Are there monsters under my bed? The window is painted a weird shade of white. I can see the neighbour house through my mom’s window, but there is a big tree through mine. I talked to my brother about moving it, or if he would like to move house. Move rooms with me. Toys, and then there are the boy game toys. The balls at school are always more bouncy than here. The yellow skipping rope and the yellow trap net does match Foups teacher that one time.

The animals at school always eat the vegetables in our garden, and the teachers don’t do anything to prevent it. It is normal for some animals to like other humans. No animal love should be fair. The fur changes per animal, and every time I pet them, I feel more purposeful. The colour green is also red, and the hat on the head of a poet is rocking the floors. The cafeteria has no more food, and I have come from vacation to a burger and a cookie. I come in threes and talk in sixes. Whatever goes up comes down. My car never wins, but I do a mean parachute. I beat the teacher once, and she was very happy. I wish Manuel had eaten more and was happy and not mad. I hope mom is well inside. This was inside me. I just said all that, and I’m normal. It is losing me, and it is hard not to keep looking, but only at parts. This happens not all the time. Special cases exist within this as well. So little time has passed, and I feel my heart beating. My head is throbbing. I will tell mom. The tv keeps us safe from mom, but when my head is pounding, she will scream and throw things at me if I speak up during tv time. I need to talk to mom when Manuel is there and a guy at breakfast. She is out again today. I will wait here. Right! I forgot the laundry.