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Life

Faking it till you make it sucks sometimes, I get tired of pretending that I’ve gotten over her when I still proudly wear her ring when I'm going to university, or whenever I’m gonna eat alone outside, or whenever I feel like crying, or whenever I feel lonely.

… Fine, I wear it every day. Not just occasionally.

I like manifesting so I’d ‘cast’ a lucky spell on the ring like an innocent sweet child and tell people that it’s a real lucky ring of mine. I did it because I didn’t want it to symbolize bad luck just because our friendship ended and we parted ways. 

Still, the college has been, hmm… well, not bad. I try not to find her in every friend I make because that wouldn’t be good, especially for me. I wouldn’t like to be stuck over her. That defeats the whole, “I’m leaving you for the better.” purpose.

I did leave for the better. 

I wasn’t even that ambitious when we were together, and I’d always tell her, “I hate school. The subjects aren’t my passion. I want to hurry up and study computers.” I was the type to tell myself that I just wanted to lay down and rest, basically to do nothing but chill and enjoy the little things.

Now that I’m studying computer languages, I started having an existential crisis after failing my practical midterm exams, lol. I also had this strong urge to risk it all in a business or finance course, but maybe I’m giving up too early, so I’ll try to pass the first year before considering shifting courses.

I had this new friend that I’m quite fond of, we’re both into business and delusions. She told me she was going to own a huge building in the future, all to herself. I thought that was pretty fucking sick, her dream, no, her future’s cool.

She told me she was ashamed of it and kept it a secret from me because she was embarrassed to tell people. She had no idea how she would get it, but she definitely will.

I liked the sound of that.

She didn’t have to be embarrassed, as my dream could tickle a laugh out of people. But I understand the reason for the secrecy.

I haven’t told her my dream yet because I felt like it was way too personal, we’ve only known each other for a couple of months.

It’s a secret but I feel like we’ll last years, until the end of college. We have good friendship chemistry. But I also feel the upcoming unpredictable events that will shake my expectations. 

Life is ridiculously playful, and it has proved itself absurd many times before. I remember promising her we’d live in the same house if we were both single by the age of thirty, I really thought we’d at least get to keep the promise.

It was nearing December, so I had to pack all my clothes from the dorm. And because I hate hot afternoons and daylight, I decided to pack my clothes by 6 pm, so I could leave at 6:30 pm, ride the bus at 7 pm, and then be home at 9:30 pm.

While I was packing, I heard my phone notification sound. I reached for it and saw a man’s name flash; my body reacted negatively to this man. My nose scrunched and I made a loud sigh.

“Are you going home today? I’ll drive you.” I read on my notification bar as I refused to click on his message because I planned on just reading it, not replying to it.

I pressed the power button with my thumb and lazily threw it back to my bed. I then started thinking about how I should respond to him, but I liked the idea of pretending not to read his message and text him when I already left the dorm.

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These thoughts make me wonder if I’m a bad person, but that’s bullshit. Bad people don’t care if they're bad. Kidding aside, it’s not bad to do this when I already dropped hints that I’m not interested in whatever he’s offering. I don’t find myself romantically attracted to him.

And no, it’s not because I’m gay.

Glancing at the windows from my dorm for the last time, I went down and wore my shoes. I plugged my earphones in and turned the volume up because it was a little noisy as I walked to the bus terminal. Since I didn’t have Spotify installed, I opened YouTube and clicked on whatever music playlist was there for me.

The news…? Did I misclick?

Fuck it, let’s just listen to whatever this is because I don’t like looking through my phone too much while walking. 

“Magandang gabi, Kabayan(Good evening, countrymen)! The senate had finally confirmed the alarming increase of stray maligno. They are found everywhere, in the streets, in the subway, in the sea, and recently, in the hospital where people are in their most vulnerable state.”

They’re a bit late, aren’t they? Thousands have already died. I wonder what’s going on in their heads.

Information should be spreading wider and faster nowadays compared to when modern technology didn’t exist, but somehow, people’s heads got slower.

I continued walking with a blank face. I just felt the cold air hit my skin and let my eyes wander everywhere, to the hung-up advertisements, the old posters of politicians stuck on the posts, the broken street lights, and inside the coffee and milk tea shops.

 I walk like that because I’d hate to look just below me and to where my feet would land. I already spent my high school days hiding my face, I don’t wish to do it forever.

I continued listening to the news “The Department of Maligno Control, on the other hand, demanded a bigger budget to fund researchers and hire more slayers.” I paid no attention to the news anymore.

With the bus terminal in sight, I began walking faster. The thought of not sitting in the front caused me a little fear. I don’t even know why seating in the back or middle sounds horrible, I started thinking this way about bus seats because my mom told me she gets dizzy in the back. 

I don’t get dizzy sitting on the back like she does, but I let it influence me anyway. Maybe I like finding little pieces of my loved ones in me.

There was only me on the bus, no one had arrived yet. Not even the bus driver was there. I simply thought that the driver could still be eating at the small store near the bus. I sat on the third row, right side, securing the spot near the windows. I made a big inhale and exhale as soon as I managed to sit, the air in the bus always had an artificial, plastic feeling to it that sometimes felt stifling to inhale.

I then placed my bag of used clothes in the empty seat beside me and turned off the news playing on my phone. Although, I’ve mentally stopped listening to it since earlier.

I once again looked around me and enjoyed that little moment of privacy. I always feel like an adult on an adventure whenever I ride the bus alone. I fiddled with the silver ring on my finger and quietly chanted in my head that it’s a lucky ring so the ride on my way home will be fine.

It was very comforting to have. The ring was one size larger than my actual ring size so it’s a bit loose, I’m afraid of losing it so I developed the manner of playing with it every hour and whenever I walk.

After a few minutes, I got bored of looking around and pondering certain things about my life. I began looking through YouTube to play some music, but no signal was coming in. I then had to rummage in the downloads section of Chrome and found three random songs in there. One by Metallica, Don’t Look Back in Anger by Oasis, then Hey Jude by The Beatles.

What state was I in when I downloaded these three from a yt to MP3 converter? I already forgot. 

I chose to play Hey Jude, this song was very comforting to the soul. I even remember wishing as a kid that my name was Jude so I could feel more comforted. I wanted to feel warmth so bad.

I should probably name my kid ‘Jude’. I’d hate to have kids in the future, by the way.

As soon as the song started playing, I looked out the window and began thinking how absurd life was again and how I couldn't believe that I was already a college student, that I missed my friends, and if I should visit my old school on my way home. 

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