??????

I opened my eyes. What the hell, it’s so bright. I try to close my eyes, but nothing happens…

“What?”

I try to raise my hands in front of my eyes, but again, nothing. I turn my head and that helped. “Ah, much better.” Until I see the world below me, at least.

“WHAT THE FUCK!!!”

I panic and look around me, at which point I realise I can’t see my body.

“Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK!!!”

“Quite the wordsmith, are you not?”

As I turn towards the voice, I came across the strangest thing I had ever seen… okay, given my current panoramic view, maybe second strangest thing. In front of me was a man floating in space… on an office chair.

“WHO THE FUCK???”

He was just sitting there… on nothing. He appeared like you would imagine an average office worker, in a white shirt and awful tie. The style you imagine of a call centre employee on the other end of your phone.

“Hmm, yeah, I guess this one would be quite the head scratcher, wouldn’t it?” He quipped. “Okay then, quick catch up then. You are dead… you have my condolences!”

………….

“No comments on that one, okay, fine. I imagine that would be a tough one to take on board. Let me add a little exposition.” He carried on, pretty much oblivious to his audience… so much for condolences. Bastard changed gears like it was nothing.

“You died of a heart attack after your home’s doorbell went off. I admit, as far as deaths go, I imagine that is not one most people would see coming, huh!”

The ‘office worker’ leaned back in his chair with an entertained air about him.

I was calming down. Do you need a body to be afraid? Never mind question for later, I thought to myself. I get my mind back on track about what was important in the moment.

“How can a doorbell have caused me to have a heart attack?” Then I thought back on my life.

Recognised a genius at a young age and later being seen as the greatest intellect of the Time. Shortly after and unfortunately, I also had enough psychological issues to put the whole genius thing in the background. You name it; I had it.

Anxiety, check

Panic Attacks, check

Agoraphobia, check

Astraphobia, check

Zoophobia, check

Anthophobia, check

I mean Anthophobia, that’s fear of damn flowers!

So, I can imagine that if my doorbell had rung, it would have set off a panic attack at the prospect of talking to people. Which, by the point in my life, a heart attack was inevitable, really.

Looking at the man in the chair, “okay so where am I, and who are you?”

“Really? You have no issues with this?” The odd man in the chair gave me a quizzical look, while gesturing at the void of space. His expression and gesticulation seemed to imply that taking things in stride is not a common occurrence under these circumstances.

"Well, I spent my whole life in fear or panicking about something. So, the idea I had a heart attack or a stroke was not much of a surprise. Also, looking around is a view that screams, if you are here, then you are or soon will be quite dead." The thought was certainly a sobering one and made accepting the situation considerably easier.

After the shock of looking down on the world from this high up, I gotta say that I have never actually felt so relaxed.

It really was true. I could not imagine being any more relaxed than I felt right now.

I have had times where I have been happy, like watching a funny movie or being excited while playing a new game. But these moments were fleeting and eventually the fears always came back.

“So, who are you, why the chair and not that anyone could miss it, why the ‘spacious’ view?”

"Ha, spacious… funny!" The man said with a deadpan face.

"Anyway, I am the God of Rebirths. Everyone has to sit on something, and as for the view, well, I am a major Kubrick fan and currently you are a glowing ball. Not quite a foetus in space, but still couldn't resist in the moment."

"Uh huh, well, ignoring everything else. You are the God of Rebirths? Not quite what I would envision!"

"Well, what were you expecting, some MILF in super thin cloth covering the square root of jack?"

"Now that you mention it…"

Before I could continue, the god cut me off. “Well, here is a shocker for you; gods have in fact developed past flimsy cloth!”

“Then the shirt and tie?”

“My boss likes the whole workplace experience of your world. Honestly, it’s a phase he goes through, so we just go with it. Give it a century and he will focus on something else.”

“Wait wait wait! You are god, and you have a boss?”

“I am ‘A’ god. My area of expertise is the direction of souls to their world of rebirth. Plucking them from the cycle of rebirth or adding them from the wheel of creation. Just call me Bob.”

I couldn’t help noticing the mental grinding of teeth as he talked. Seems someone is tetchy about their position.

“Okay, got it… wait BOB? Mate, I have to be honest, as far as names go, it is neither celestial sounding, nor particularly original… actually scratch that. The name Bob is about as unoriginal as it gets!”

“Oh, is that so, well, for your information, a puny three-dimensional existence is incapable of comprehend the words of the divine, so Bob will do!”

“Okay, okay, fine. So why am I here? Shouldn’t I be speaking to the god of death or something like that?”

“Yeah, about that…”

“What?” Noticing the look of nervousness and hesitation on the god’s face.

“Well, you see. When you were born, administrative mistakes happened, and, well, you see your intelligence, and brain power, were significantly higher than humans of your evolutionary development were to possess. It may have left you a teeny wee bit vulnerable to side effects because of it.”

“And by side effects, you mean?”

“Oh, nothing major. A little tension, active imagination, more creative, chronic paranoia, anxiety and other… insignificant issues.”

The last part of the statement whispered at the end while Bob turned his head slightly, but I still heard.

“No way… NO FUCKING WAY, YOU ASS WHORING….”

The god eased back into his chair. Souls were more outgoing with their feelings than they would in life, and Bob found himself impressed by this one’s creative description of biological activities, described vividly in a vast vocabulary. Most mortals couldn’t swear in the number of languages this one was going through in expressing himself.

Bob sat there for a while, letting the ball of energy get it out of its soul.

After a significant amount of time passed, filled with a not inconsiderable amount of swearing in a staggering number of languages, Bob looked at the soul.

In a sympathetic voice, Bob spoke. “Have you finished? It really is good to get it all out, so I can wait… No? Okay then. Now I have to admit that we screwed up.”

“You screwed up!!! My intellect was off the charts, I learn anything I set my mind to and in the end, I could not even leave my childhood home!”

“I even bought my parents their dream home, but I couldn’t bear to leave mine!”

“I had six doctorates and twelve degrees through online courses by age 17 before I stopped even bothering because they were so easy."

"I made hundreds of millions off of the things I created and changed the world, yet no one could believe that the hermit in a house in a small town was the one who did all that!"

Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.

"Actually, I believe you were worth hundreds of billions!" Bob sounded earnest as he said this, but his attitude was rather dismissive.

"Oh well, that makes everything okay, then." The sarcasm almost dripping from my lips, it was so thick.

"Look, I am sorry, and that is why we are here. You see that world below us? Well, you can look forward to being reincarnated down there!"

"Uh Huh!" I practically spat… if a soul had saliva, I would have. I was still angry and conveying not a small amount of sulking in my voice. Seriously, no brain but still anger, Weird. It really is amazing what details can grab the attention when bigger issues are right in front of you.

"It's a world with magic, knights, and all that stuff. The technological level is about what you would consider the Middle Ages… more or less, but thanks to magic, the quality of life is way higher. I hear it's popular in stories where you come from, right?"

"I'm listening!" My face was directed away from the god, but my eyes were now very much locked on him, for the first time since my ranting began.

Contrary to the expression on my face… well, soul, I guess. Not even sure I had a face at present. Anyway, despite what my outward reaction likely showed, I was very interested.

Reincarnation, or Isekai stories, were one of my favourite genres of fiction, so if this Bob, the god guy, was to throw in some magic… Then oh boy, it could be considered auspicious that I currently lacked a penis right now, or there wouldn’t be trousers loose enough in this universe, or any other universe, to hide my excitement!

People say that struggle is the key to character development in stories, but after living my previous life, well, people can kiss my ass! After all I have been through, give me a cushy life in some noble family, and plenty of magic to play about with, and I would count it as a big down payment on the making it up to me IOU!

"And you are going to let me use magic; maybe even give me some extra powers? You do owe me rather big; you know!" I asked in growing hope. I mean, he does owe me at least that much, although I managed to keep my tone even.

"Well, pretty much everyone is capable of using magic in that world. As for the rest, no can do. Sorry!" He became rather business like all of a sudden, and the façade of repentance disappeared.

"WHAT? How come? You are a god, are you not?" I bemoaned at the dream of my superpowers disappearing.

"Yeah, true, but it would be against the rules to actively influence a new-born body."

"As opposed to just screwing it up in the first place?" I was most definitely not amused at this moment. Leaving my potential cushy life of magic, and good times up to luck, did not seem like the wisest course given my life experience.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're still pissed about it, but look, I will make it so you can keep your memories of your past life." Bob was shrugging off the train wreck of my life, as if it wasn't a big deal… well, it damn well was a big deal to me!

"I can't help but point out the flaw in that plan of yours! Wouldn't I get all the psychological scarring along with the memories?" I was at this point freaking out more than a little for the first time since dying. The prospect of really feeling that life of anxiety and panic as intense again terrified me.

Seeing the look of concern not so much grow on my face as much as it exploded, Bob was quick to reassure me. “Don’t worry, don’t worry! There are no problems there. I can set it up, so you get the memories without the emotional baggage. Of course, you won’t have the same mental capabilities as your brain will be a normal human one, so you won’t remember every moment of your old life, but should still be enough to rake in the money in your new one, even with even a fraction of your past know how!”

“Just imagine taking what you remember and applying it down there and you get the normal life you should have had. If you apply your know how right, it should come with money and magic! So how does it sound? Pretty tempting, right?” I couldn’t help but feel Bob was giving the impression of some sleazy salesman.

“That would be quite cool.” In my past life, I had an eidetic memory and the way I soaked up information. I could consider my knowledge base obscene, from ship construction through the ages to agriculture. I was not just ‘a’ know it all, oh no, I was ‘The’ know it all.

Even with a fraction of that knowledge, I don’t doubt I could make myself comfortable, whatever environment I am reborn into. “Okay, you convinced me, sign me up!”

“Now we’re talking. I can’t tell who you will be, as I may not interfere in that kind of thing. Not my department.” Bob became suddenly cheery, like someone had lifted a weight off his shoulders, if his straighter, more laid-back posture was anything to go by.

“Gods have departments?”

“Figure of speech. I only direct a soul to its new life, so I can only ensure you are human. The memories you possess are a part of you and bound to your soul as they have shaped you until this point, so all is good there.”

“Your past life memories should start appearing as your body and mind develop. Being born with a developed sense of self and your memories intact would likely drive you insane.”

“Before you go, I wish you good luck and a last apology for all you have been through!” Bob bowed his head slightly to me; the gesture was obviously sincere, so I appreciated it.

Memories flashed through my mind, curled up as a child in a room terrified that the next day I would have to go outside and my mind unable to get out of a never-ending cycle of nightmare scenarios so real to me, they were practically indistinguishable to real life.

Then another slightly older me being dragged out of my home by my parents to take me to a doctor’s appointment. The instinct to stay in a safe environment so severe that my parents injured themselves just getting me out the door.

Another flash of memory showed me in a room with a dozen screens in front of me. All the screens displaying different video streams. All sped up so much the voices were like chipmunks; my parents had long ago moved out and the constant input of information about the only thing that distracted me from my mental torture.

Now, what I could only hope was my last flash of memory. Sitting with my extended family at the table for Christmas dinner, I was a kid again and was listening to all the conversations at once, feeling so detached. While everyone laughed and shared jokes, I sat there as if in a gloomy mood, all emotions processed so fast that no real outward sign of feeling anything appeared on my face. It distanced me from everyone, making every moment its own kind of torture, like being in solitary confinement even with so many people around me.

After my intense and very unwelcome trip down memory lane, I looked Bob right in the eye. "I don't think I could forgive you for what I have been through, but at least I can see you are trying to make up for it. So, thanks! But what do I have to do now?"

"Oh, don't worry your soul; you don't have to do a thing… good luck."

"Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"

After Bob wished me luck again, I suddenly started plummeting towards the world below.

Now as a soul I couldn't feel wind or anything like that, but let me tell you, that means nothing when you are entering a new world from orbit at what I can only assume to be very terminal velocity… for a body.

Not entirely sure if souls have a terminal velocity. Has anyone ever tried to work that out…? Time and place brain, focus!

I could make out the landscape. I seemed to be heading towards the coastline, when suddenly there was a flash, and I swear I felt myself bounce in another direction. I now sped over a lot of grass plains, fields, and mountains. Getting closer to the ground, I recognise farmland. Now I approached an enormous city with a castle towards the centre. It sat upon a large hill, allowing it to overlook the city. I speed towards an enormous mansion with a lot of green surrounding it towards the city edge when suddenly….

****

RACHAEL

SMACK

"WAAAH!!!"

"Oh, my lady, he is here. It's a boy!"

"He is perfect. Oh my boy, my baby boy."

I was exhausted but content, for my son had just been born. Looking down at my little one's face, I couldn't help but smile.

Erin my childhood friend and my son's nanny was hovering over me, making sure that I was okay, as the other women that helped me through childbirth worked to tidy the room around me, preparing for my husband to come through to see his son.

The other ladies started leaving the room, and I heard someone say to my husband, our son is ready for him. The household servants are all very loyal to my husband's family, and less consideration made if I am prepared. That is why I had insisted on Erin being my son's nanny… Well, one of the main reasons.

"Ah, my son, my firstborn is a boy! A fresh voice filled with exuberance sounded through the bedroom." Thank you, my wife, for giving me an heir!"

I Look up at my husband standing next to me. The man's presence brought a dark cloud over my feelings of joy. Though, to make those dark clouds blow away, I merely need to look down, and with one look upon my little wrinkly bundle of joy. Now, I could only see sunshine and clear skies.

I always wanted to be a mother. I feared it would never happen. I had been so focused on developing my magic potential and serving the king, this left little time for trying to have a child.

The responsibilities upon myself that were personal versus the professional had been proving to be a bit of a conflict of interest. As the wife to the head of a prominent noble family, having no heir after three years of marriage bordered on the scandalous.

Another replaced this pressure upon me, upon discovering I was pregnant.

Throughout my pregnancy, I had despaired at the prospect of being unable to recognise myself as a mother and failing to connect with my child. But now, this small, red, and wrinkly bundle screaming in my arms could not make me any happier.

My husband enters the room and walks up to me, not looking at me at all. No, his gaze never left the screaming bundle in my hands. A rare genuine smile firmly entrenched on his face.

Arriving at my bedside, he looks at me for the first time with a questioning look in his eyes. I open the towel in my arms and fully show the baby held within. My husband can confirm himself that he is the father of a boy.

"Ah my son, my firstborn is a boy!" My husband states this with pride in his face. He then looks at me, and states, with more genuine emotion than I have ever seen in the man throughout all the years I have known him. "Thank you, my wife, for giving me an heir!"

I am shocked as I cover up our son again, to keep him warm. My husband never shows his true feelings. Our marriage has never been a loving one, being arranged between my father- and mother-in-law.

In fact, our marriage had been quite strained of late. Three years have passed since then, and I had yet to provide a child.

As I think this, I look down again at my son; he cries, and Erin recommends I feed him; I do so for the first time, and everything is going perfectly.

I look up again to see my husband Keefe, looking down at our son. He looks down at me, and the emotionless mask he wears every day I have known him reappears, and he takes his leave.

That he stayed longer than to confirm more than the babe’s sex and health is surprising, so I can’t really complain.

Erin comes up next to me and looks down at the new baby and mother with a smile on her face. At this I also look down at my boy, who has now finished feeding.

Erin takes him off me to burp him and he falls asleep. I unfortunately miss this as moments before him being taken out of my arms, I drifted off to an exhausted sleep myself.

****

?????

Oh man, I hurt everywhere, and my ass is on fire! What happened? I feel like I have been through a sausage press. What’s going on? As I adjust to the sense of pain, I recognise voices around me. I can hear people talking, but don’t know what they are saying.

“WAAH!!!”

Seriously, what is going on? I can feel myself being wrapped in a towel. It felt like a damn cheese grater on my raw body. I also couldn’t really see anything, as it was all blurry.

I am trying to talk, but only crying comes out. Oh, don’t tell me I am fully aware as a baby?

“WAAH!!!”

Oh, come on! I thought my memories would come back over time… Wait a minute. I can still remember my previous life… in exact, bloody detail…

SON OF A BITCH SHITTY GOD CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!

My mind feels exactly the same as before. That fuck up of a god left my brain power ramped up. HOW??? I mean, the whole point of this reincarnation deal was to make up for this very screw up.

Wait, something is coming into focus. I think I see a face. Are those eyes? They are so vivid green they are practically glowing. They were beautiful. Again, brain focus! What am I going to do?

Let’s take stock. I can’t move, I can’t speak, I can barely see, and I don’t know what everyone is saying… I come to the only conclusion that accurately identified my current condition… I am fucked!!!