I started awake to the sound of pounding and crumbling of rocks in the wall I built. I jumped up knocking my head against a rock protrusion. I could do with a helmet.

The problem with building a wall in front of a cave to sleep in is that I now have to fight my way out, and I have no idea how many are out there or what they are. Fuck, that wasn’t a good idea. I needed a rest, and I am not sure what else I could have done. Now, I am in a tight spot, literally and figuratively.

To top it off, I don’t feel rested. I probably didn’t sleep for long. How do I get out of here in one piece?

The answer is the same as always: as fast as I can. I use the Mace to smash the rock out, and as soon as there is a hole, I dive through and make a Dash for it.

These skeletal warriors were a bit different. They seemed weaker and less armoured. The mace tore through them easier than the others. There were more of them, but I am not sure how many. I dashed away, breaking some legs on the way, and turned back to face them. They all had a weapon of some sort but no armour or anything.

Then I saw him—a Skeletal Knight in full plate armour sitting on an undead horse on a dusty plain, just watching me. He wasn’t coming onto the rocks. He was just watching me fight his minions. Well fuck. It looked like some sort of mini-boss.

I kept dodging and dashing and fighting his minions, whittling them down, and he seemed content to just sit there and watch me. Well, that’s good. Your turn will come, asshole. Then I giggled a bit. He is a skeleton. He doesn’t have an asshole.

I think my mental state is declining.

I took a few unavoidable hits, and the chainmail saved me some blood, but the holes were getting bigger. I took a cut on my arm as well that bled. I didn’t want to stop to bandage it with the Assholeless Knight sitting there watching me. I chugged a weak health potion.

We stared at each other while I hoped loot would appear. The bodies disappeared, but no loot appeared. I swear the knight was laughing at me even though he didn’t move or make a sound. He obviously didn’t want to bring his horse up on the rocks, and he didn’t want to get off his horse.

I was trying to figure out how to fight him or fight enough to run away. If I went out on the dusty plain, the horse would run me down quickly. He was in full plate armour, so he was going to be difficult to damage, and I bet he was tougher than the weak minions.

Then, I swear that the Assholeless Knight grinned at me, even though that was not possible with a skull. The helmet had an open face, with a strip of metal running down to protect his nose. A bone skull cannot grin.

He raised his arm like he was raising the dead, and ten skeletal minions rose out of the ground in front of him. Maybe they were the same minions I had just killed, and he had just raised them back up. Fuck.

The minions started towards me and climbed up on the rocks. Fuck. It is like I have made no progress.

I reset myself and picked up a rock in my offhand. Ok, boys, let’s dance. I deliberately ignored the fact that my stamina was down and I was bruised and bleeding. If these ugly gentlemen want to insist I dance with them, then I will dance.

The hit-and-run tactics on the rocky terrain were working for me, although I renamed it the Dash and Dodge Tactics. They were working for me right up until they didn’t.

I lost my footing, and a mace clipped my arm, and my mace went flying. Acrobatics turned the fall into a roll, and I would have new bruises from the rocky terrain. I didn’t have a weapon as I lost the rock from my hand when I needed that hand to get me into a roll, and my broken finger screamed at me in pain. It protested at being bent that way. I am sure it was rebroken.

I had no weapons, and Mace Minon was coming at me. I rolled to my feet and grabbed the bony arm that held the mace. Then, I went for a grappling hold. I had gotten into a lot of fistfights over the years, and I had maxed out my Unarmed Combat. I took some lessons and learned the Grappling skill. Grappling was all about holds and subduing your opponent, and it was usually a good fit for my line of work.

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Holding my opponent wasn’t going to work here, as an axe minion was coming at me. Well, it partially worked when I put the Mace Minion in the way of the axe strike. I was lucky the axe actually hit bone and didn’t go straight through to me. The other aspect of grappling was making parts of your opponent's body bend in ways they are not designed to. That is not so easy to do when there aren’t muscles and tendons that can tear, but the neck is still a weak point.

I toss the headless pile of bones at the axe minion and Dash backwards so I have time to grab a weapon from my bag. The looted axe is going to be better than my knives, even though I have no axe skills. It is heavy and can break bones, and to start with, I can pretend it is a mace.

“Come on, you Assholeless Minions, let’s keep this dance going.” My voice was dry. I had a canteen in my bag that slowly collected water, but I needed to finish this dance first. Thats right. A dance and then a drink. I even have a wineskin in my bag, but that is probably not such a good idea. I can celebrate when the Assholeless Knight is dead. Dead again? Fuck, don’t think, just dance.

When the last one went down, I was exhausted. I pulled out my canteen and took a long drink. I looked around and spied my mace lying on the ground. I have a small keg of ale in my bag as well. I really wanted to break that out, but the Assholeless Knight was still there watching me. I chugged another weak health potion. I was going to run out of these at this rate, as I am not getting any loot from these fights. I chugged the weak stamina potion as well.

I hefted the axe as I started to limp to the dropped mace. I think I like the axe. I like it more than the mace. When I got the Basic Axe Skill, I started to use it very effectively. The fact it can cut and smash things is a good fit. I should have learned this a long time ago. Mind you, I usually avoid fights, so it is not surprising I didn’t learn these skills. If I wanted to fight, I would have joined the stupid army.

Don’t you grin at me. Fuck, ten more really? How often can you do this? There has to be a limit, right? It has to be costing the knight something.

I pick up the mace. Hmmm. Mace in one hand, axe in the other? My Clever Hands Skill would probably let me do it, but my broken finger won’t. I decide to put the mace in my bag and fight with the Axe and a rock.

This time, I am careful and lead them around a bit. I was conserving Stamina but also thinking. If I want this to stop, I am going to have to take out the knight. He doesn’t summon them again until all ten are dead, and there is a pause between the last death and them fading to dust before he can resummon them. That is the gap I have to make my attack in. If he is wounded or fighting, will that mean he can’t summon? I don’t know, but I do know I need to do something.

He is in full plate armour, but the horse isn’t. Plan A: Take out one of the horse's legs and run for it. It sounds like a good plan to me.

I manoeuvred the last minion to the edge of the rocks. Then I kill it and make a Dash toward the Knight. I swear it was grinning as it moved the horse to face me and drew its sword. Shit. I am committed now. The horse starts walking toward me.

I dodged the knight's sword, but he was definitely faster than his minions, and I think that would be the end of the chainmail. I turn the dodge into a roll with my Acrobatics and bring the axe as hard as I can against the joint in the horse's leg. Fighting with the axe has shown me the value of my high dexterity, and I can precision chop very accurately. I like the axe.

Unfortunately, my strength is not really up there. I was hoping to cut it clean off, but I had to settle for cracked bones. The horse still took its weight off that foot, so that would have to be good enough.

I rolled under the horse and managed to avoid the hooves. I dashed away from the knight on the plain but parallel to the rocks so I could make it back if I had to. The knight turned the horse in my direction, and then I saw him lean down and touch the horse’s leg. The bones healed. Fuck, he has a healing skill as well as a summoning skill.

The horse pawed the ground with its newly healed foot, and I dashed for the rocks again. Shit, this trial is going to kill me. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I dash back up on the rocks, and the horse trotted close to where I am. Calm down, Marvin. You are Marvin the Magnifique, illusionist extraordinaire and the thief who robs princes. I can do this. I don’t know how, but I can do this.

The Assholess Knight raises his arm, and ten minions rise up. Fuck, fuck, fuck. There has got to be a limit to this. His energy or whatever he uses to summon the minions and heal the horse must be coming from somewhere. It is like my mana and my stamina. There has to be a limit.

Wait. The minions aren’t attacking straight away. They have every other time, so why not this time? There is a limit, isn’t there? There is a limit, and he is stalling for time to regenerate whatever he is using. No, no, no, you assholelessness. You don’t get time to do that. I have you on the ropes now. Plan A didn’t work, so it is time for Plan B.

I turn my back on the Knight and toward the cliff. The cliff is made of crumbly rock, as demonstrated by all the rubble I have been fighting on. It is a very dangerous climb, but if he is giving me time, I have the Climb skill at level 5.

I take my first hand holds, with the Climb skill guiding me where to hold. My broken finger is a hindrance, but we do what we must. My foot dislodges a small rock slide, but I keep my grip.

I glance back. The minions are coming. Yes. Now we are back in action. I drop to the ground, having only got about a meter up. I grab my axe. It is time for the next dance, and it is my turn to lead.