Sharp, the crow’s caw rang in Liara’s mind, for from every direction she felt like her chest was in a bind. Tensed nerves sprang with every person she walked by, expectation warned her they would pounce, yet most ignored her or otherwise just said hi. The weight of the sky was unbearably heavy, but she was taken out of her trance when Belle asked, “Liara, hello? Are you still with me?”
“Oh, what, sorry. I was just looking around.” If she were in a better state of mind, Liara would have appreciated the natural beauty of the Windsora neighborhood. Even if it was a bunch of swamplands. The house that had been gifted to her by the Queen was situated on a peninsula that was itself a part of a larger peninsula that stuck out from the largest continent of the capital world. The result was a climate that Pellas half-jokingly referred to as a “death swamp” with all the accompanying humidity, bugs, and scaly lizards lurking just beneath the waters. Liara would have thought that a city on the capital planet itself would be more “austere” like Apophyllion, but she guessed that living for so long in one of the wealthiest cities in all the core worlds kind of spoiled her. Yet in a way, she enjoyed the rustic nature of the small city, up-and-coming or not.
“What’s on your mind, girl?” Even Cassandra was trying to chat her up, if in her own snobbish tone, and Liara half realized that Belle and her golem were just trying to be nice to her. The truth was that nothing was on her mind, she was just trying to walk with Belle and be present in the moment. To do otherwise would make her remember, gray eyes, Talia’s slack face, screaming monsters, the taste of blood. Liara had to stop and breathe for a moment as images flashed in her head and she felt her chest pounding from the beat of her heart again. The world threatened to overwhelm her with everything happening all at once and she just wanted to slip back into bed, but a hard hand, calloused and small, slipped into hers.
“Come on, Liara, you don’t have to say anything, we’re right here.” Belle gently tugged on Liara and she followed without resisting. Yet even as they walked around the small park on that bright, sunny day, Liara could only feel the shadows encroaching in and she trembled at their voice.
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“Nice day for a walk, isn’t it?”
Dr. Holzer jumped and almost activated his mana spear at the sound of another man’s whisper tickling his ear. Even if he did, it would not have hit the man, since when he whirled to face the shadow, his unwelcome companion was well out of spear range and lounging against a tree.
“Leng, what brings you here?”
“I just said, nice day for a walk.” Leng was not wearing his usual black armor and had adopted a loose sweatshirt and scarf that half covered his face. Though his mouth was obscured, Holzer could see the other paladin's eyes twinkling at his own joke. How the man was able to wear so much clothing in a humid climate like this was beyond the former dean, as sweat uncomfortably chaffed areas he would rather have kept dry.
“Cut it out, I know you’re here to scout out my students.”
“Former students, and yes, of course.”
“Belle told me about your deal, seems foul to me. I would have thought that Lady Selanora had more class.” The twinkle in Leng’s eyes became a glint and though he still lounged against the tree, Holzer felt like he watched a jungle cat in a tree and not a man.
“Surely a man of your experience would know that Lady Selanora is highly interested in the future of younger Magical Girls as surely as you would know that what your brat said was worthy of a duel, had I not counseled my charge otherwise there would be blood on the sands.”
“So, Selanora would kill a child for a few hasty words?”
“Never, but she was seriously considering giving her a whipping in the arena. However, the political ramifications would have been too…severe.”
“Right, I imagine Lady Collete would not be too happy about that, but she will also be even less pleased if her only daughter is forced to charge mana batteries for a living.”
“You have so little faith that the girl can recover?”
Holzer looked back at the girls, their backs were to him now on their small walk around the park. Belle was relaxed and almost hopping around, maybe trying a bit too hard to lighten the mood, but Liara was tense, tight, and staring at the ground. She used to walk like that in school too, especially when she saw him. Holzer cringed at that thought, but he also noted that despite everything she’d been through, before on Crestline and after Apophyllion, that she could even walk around. “Liara is a tough one, I'll admit she surprised me back at the academy, but she's been through so much. I think it’ll take more than a few walks in the park to heal from a wound like hers.”
"Yet you yourself came back to serve as a Paladin despite the past. I remember the day you retired as if it were yesterday. You were one of the best of us then.”
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“Some things are better left forgotten.”
“Do you still blame yourself for her death as you do for the girl at the academy?”
“Drop it, Leng.”
Though Holzer had not recovered all his past strength, some of it resurfaced in that flash of rage and pressed down on his fellow Paladin. Undoubtedly, if it came to blows, Leng would handily win, but neither of them wanted that, so Leng got up from the tree and stretched his arms out, his shoulders rolled with practiced effort. In the movement, Holzer saw a glimpse of the facial scars Leng tried to hide with his clothes, pale mounds of built-up scar tissue, there and then covered again. Both paladins had their share of reminders, of wounds from the past, yet some were less visible than others. As Leng walked away, without even so much as a farewell, Holzer checked on the girls again, but he did not really look at them. Another woman was on his mind, as fair as Liara, yet with hair that shined like the yellow fields of wheat they used to play in as children.
That hair had been so clumped and dirty when he last held her, her laugh had degenerated to gurgles, and her gaze blanked into the eyes of eternity.
It had been seven years, yet he still had nightmares of his feet stumbling, Yabanchi roaring, and his wife falling beneath their claws. He did not cry at night anymore, yet he still woke up at least once a week, unable to go back to sleep and capable of only staring at the ceiling. Talia’s death had reopened those fresh wounds and now he felt the same heavy weight cling to his soul as he did those years ago. In a sense, he empathized with Liara, in a way that Belle was not able to, and so his senses were heightened to keep an eye out for his former student, lest her feelings really be the same as his own.
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It had been a week of daily walks with Liara, but Belle finally felt like she had a breakthrough. Liara was finally smiling again and engaged her and the others in conversation. Pellas had joined them this time and one of his cheesy jokes had made Liara laugh for an awkward amount of time. It was not even that good of a joke, but at least it showed there were signs of improvement. Belle laughed too, but for a different reason, as she felt the weight of her deal with Selanora slide off, the interminable days of being a glorified battery girl dodged. Maybe Liara would recover after all.
“Aww, it’s so beautiful here!” Liara was standing at the edge of a waterfall, a big fifty-footer with jagged rocks and swampy water below. Belle thought it looked kind of dumpy, but she did not want to damper the mood with her candor.
“Yeah, uh, real beautiful.”
Liara did not seem to have heard her, since she swayed at the cliff edge, staring out at the vast swamp land that stretched below her. Belle caught a glimpse of something moving in the trees behind them and a flash of annoyance surged.
[What are you doing?! Don’t let her see you!] It was her paladin, slinking behind as usual, but he did not telepathically reply. He was usually pretty discreet, so maybe he slipped on a branch or something. Whatever, thankfully Liara did not seem to have noticed him as she was lost in her own little world.
“Ready to go back?” Belle tapped Liara’s arm and the other girl flinched.
A guilty expression melted as soon as it came on the pale girl’s face and she nodded, “Yes, of course, thanks for telling me about this place. Maybe we can come back later.”
“Sure.” Belle still thought it was a dump, but if it helped Liara, then she’d take her here a thousand times.
The girls and golems walked back to Liara’s home and a shadow followed.
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Liara’s feet stepped lightly like she was in a dream, and only the moon shone as her main source of illumination. Though it was dark, she knew where she was going since she had memorized the path. The night beckoned in her sleepless daze and she came to answer.
Pellas had gone out on an errand for her, so she was alone when she came to the waterfall. It was as beautiful as she imagined it would be from the night’s natural lighting, since the way the water reflected the moon’s glow gave the ethereal impression that she was back at Apophyllion again, back in simpler times.
As she stepped closer to the edge, something pounded warning drums in her mind to go back, a primal urge to flee and seek safety, but it was numbed by the louder screaming overriding every sense she had. The darkness beckoned to her with the promise of relief from the pain that ate away at her and she would step into its embrace. Sleep forever and dream no more of the memories of failure.
She hated them. Belle was a faker, just trying to make herself feel better for torturing her at school for years and Holzer had let her best friend die. She hated them because life just kept going on when everything in her life had collapsed around her. She hated them because no one left cared, not even Pellas. They had all forgotten everyone she had ever loved, caught up in their own ceaseless business to remember anything other than themselves. She hated them, but most of all, she hated herself.
“Perhaps in death, they might recognize a life is worth more than points or power. Let them miss me or forget me, and if they don’t, I won’t care either.”
Liara closed her eyes and took the step. Her foot caught nothingness and gravity started to carry her into a fall. Fear sprang into her heart and she cried, but her arms flailed and caught nothing at all. She had faced death, yet that had been in battle and uncertain, now it opened in front of her as an inescapable maw. She shut her eyes, lest she see the ground grow closer and she see the consequences of her ugly decision.
As the darkness closed around her, a hand grabbed her blouse and yanked her away from death’s swelling embrace, and onto the dirty mud surrounding the cliff face. Someone hugged her and kept a tight hold, despite the searing hot flame palm that Liara had instinctively delivered into their side. When it was clear that she was not in any danger nor that the person would let go, Liara let herself melt into their arms and cry. When the first sniffle came, the dam broke and her tears flowed like the waterfall and she couldn’t say why. She just grabbed whoever had saved her and cried. They were ugly and wild, but by the warmth that flowed down her neck, a twin river of relief and emotions broke, it was clear that her tears were not alone.