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Chapter 14 - Reverie

My feet swished through water just high enough to envelop my toes, the sound gentle and oddly soothing. Even though it was impossible to tell if I was making any meaningful progress in the endless void around me, I continued forward, feeling that I was getting closer to… somewhere. Somewhere I needed to be.

I stopped as I felt the gentle din of fire, and something else. Not a physical sensation but an emotion, almost like… isolation? Listlessness?

As the warm heat caressed my cheeks, the tendrils of isolation seemed to pull at my heart, trying to make it heavier, attempting to smother the small ember of hope I'd kindled. The dissonance between the inviting warmth of the fire and the cold weight of these feelings sent shivers down my spine.

From the periphery of my vision, a soft, golden glow began to take shape. I turned slowly to face the source. A small flame danced on the wick of a solitary candle, casting long, distorted shadows against the void.

It was then that I noticed her.

Just beside the candle, seemingly merging with the darkness itself, stood a figure. As my eyes adjusted, I saw it was a young girl, with a cascade of messy blonde hair and striking blue eyes.

It was unmistakably a younger Lily. She was wearing a yellow dress, and her face was marred by fresh scrapes, cuts, and bruises.

She was staring into the flame with a yearning so profound it felt like an open wound. There was an ethereal air about her that reminded me of a gentle breeze, almost as if she were a mirage.

Approaching with caution, the feeling of isolation intensified, pressing down on my chest. She didn’t seem to notice me, her focus solely on the flickering flame. I hesitated, fearing my presence would shatter this fragile moment.

"Lily?" My voice was barely above a whisper, but it echoed loudly in the empty expanse.

She smiled, but it was a smile tinged with sadness. "Isn't it beautiful?" she asked without tearing her gaze away from the flame. Her voice held an ethereal quality, like a soft lullaby sung from a distance.

"The flame?"

She simply stared ahead, reaching out with one trembling hand as she ignored me.

I stepped closer, wanting to say something, anything, to alleviate the sorrow I felt emanating from her.

As I did, the warmth from the flame seemed to envelop me, but paradoxically, the sensation intensified my own sense of aloneness. Even though Lily was standing right in front of me, I felt like she was miles away.

The haunting beauty of the moment was disrupted as, suddenly, she started to dissolve, her form dispersing into a multitude of twinkling particles, scattering like dust motes caught in a shaft of sunlight. Before I could react, she vanished completely, leaving just the flame and me in the boundless void.

"Wait!" My voice broke, the anguish evident. "Don't go!" But she was gone, and all that remained was the eternal flame and the consuming void.

"Don’t leave me alone…" I whispered.

A flicker in the distance caught my eye, drawing me out of my mournful stupor. I approached cautiously, each step making the strange vision clearer. It was a massive weave, forged from wreaths of vibrant fire, within which stood a figure — a young man that looked to be about university age.

The man held himself with an otherworldly grace, his slender frame seemingly untouched by the fiery tendrils that surrounded him. He had stark white hair that flowed like water, and he looked just as I had seen him before, except he was huddled over, breathing heavily. His eyes were partially open this time.

His mouth moved slightly, but no sound reached me initially. I drew closer to the cage of fire, mesmerized by this ethereal vision of myself. The flames seemed to dance to an inaudible song, harmonizing perfectly with the silent melody of this waifish man's lament.

Scarlet and azure eyes looked on, his sun-like pupils unfocused. He almost looked like he was in pain, as if someone had kicked him in the ribs repeatedly.

"Kekkyoku, kawaranai." He murmured, staring at the ground. "Boku wa tarinai… Orokana. Dame na ko…"

In the end, unchanged. I am lacking. Foolish. Worthless.

I blinked, recognizing my own voice, and the piercing, bitter self-hate that laced every word. That pain was all too familiar, a song I'd played in my own mind for far too long. Drawing a deep breath, I tried to summon some form of reassurance for this mirror image, but I couldn’t.

"You're… you’re not worthless," I whispered, stepping as close to him as I could. "You aren’t.

The waifish man looked up, his sun-like eyes locking onto mine. The pain in them was palpable.

"You think you can save me with these empty platitudes?" he whispered, a cruel smirk forming on his lips. "After all we've been through, all the ridicule and torment, you think mere words can undo the scars?"

I hesitated, the weight of his accusations leaving me momentarily breathless. "I... I just want to help," I replied, struggling to find the right words.

"By pretending we're someone else?" He laughed, a hollow, haunting sound. "It’s easier, isn’t it? To play the hero, to risk everything for strangers, than to face the ugly truth that no one has ever truly wanted us."

"That's not true," I retorted, voice shaking. "Lily... she cares. Ji-woo, she showed us kindness. They--"

"They pity us," he interrupted bitterly. "Or maybe they're just using us for their own gain. After all, isn't that what we've learned? That our worth is conditional?"

I felt my resolve waver. This was the voice of doubt, the one that always questioned the motives of those around me. The one that told me I didn’t belong, that I was nothing.

A tear streamed down my face, and I stumbled backward, feeling the cold weight of the void closing in again. "I... I don't want to believe that," I whispered.

The waifish figure cocked his head, his lips twisting into a sad smile. "Belief is a luxury for those who have been loved, cherished. We never had that. We only had solitude, rejection, and a void of emptiness. It’s fitting that you cling to the lofty ideals instilled in you. Worthless standards set by a man who fails to live up to them himself, isn’t it?"

I closed my eyes, feeling the weight of the memories flooding back - the laughter, the taunts, the endless nights crying alone in the dark. Of being told I wasn’t enough over and over again by those I should trust most.

"It's not all like that," I murmured, thinking of the recent warmth of Lily's words, the way Officer Oh had gently held me, comforting me in my most vulnerable moment. "There's good out there too... There's hope."

"You believe that now," he responded, voice dripping with bitterness. "Because you found people who seem to care. But how long before they turn on you? Abandon you? Like everyone else before them."

More memories flashed by. Of a girl who had given me hope, before crushing it like a worm beneath her boot.

"No," I whispered, taking a deep breath to steady myself. "I won't let that happen. I’ve seen hope again. I'll fight for them. And for myself."

His — my own mocking laughter filled the void. "You? Fight? All you've ever done is hide, pretend, and wish you were dealt a different set of cards. Always trying to earn a place, a bit of acceptance. Even now, you can't truly believe you deserve love."

The weight of his words pressed heavily on me, a suffocating cloak of doubt and fear. I remembered the moments I felt small, insignificant. The countless times I felt unwanted.

Suddenly, the void around us started to tremble and shift, the blackness gradually giving way to shimmering streaks of light. The watery floor beneath us trembled, sending ripples that collided with the cage of fiery wreaths, which hissed and sputtered.

"No…" I replied with uncertainty, my voice barely audible amid the increasing chaos. The slender white-haired version of me began to disintegrate, the flames consuming him from the ground up, his laughter growing fainter and fainter. "I’ll earn the ending we need…"

"You can't escape your destiny, Maito," he whispered, his voice fading into the cacophony around us. "You can't outrun your past. But go ahead, play the hero while you can. Go and cling to that hope. But remember, every flame, no matter how bright, eventually dies out."

Suddenly, a distant sound echoed through the void, pulling me back to reality. It was the soft, muffled voices of Officer Oh and another officer. The comforting sensation of a soft bed beneath me, the subtle scent of disinfectant, and the warmth of a blanket enveloping me.

I opened my eyes, finding myself in the soldier barracks.

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My eyes shot open to be met with the dim light of unfamiliar surroundings. I shot upright with a gasp, my heart pounding. Sweat dripped down my brow as my entire body shook with adrenaline. I could feel my mind racing too fast for any one thought to become coherent, so I forced myself to take a deep breath, slowing my breathing as I began to reorient myself.

I was in the bed alcove of the guard’s barracks, the thin divider drawn closed. Layers of blankets covered me, more than I remembered tucking myself under, and I let out a shiver as cool air bit at me through my now uncovered clothes.

What was that? A dream? No… That room, that man that looks like me, and those thorns… I remember them… from when I first formed my contract. Why didn’t I remember until now, though?

I frowned, my thoughts suddenly coming to a jarring halt.

Wait, remember what exactly?

I shook my head, trying to dispel the fog that clouded my memory. But it was like trying to grasp at smoke, slipping through my fingers no matter how hard I tried to hold onto it.

Taking a deep breath, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stood shakily, feeling the pins and needles of exhaustion throughout my body as I gently brushed the divider aside.

As I carefully drew back the divider, the figure on the bed next to mine became visible, revealing Lily fast asleep. Her golden hair splayed out on the pillow, her serene face belying the harsh ordeals we had been through. She was breathing deeply, indicative of the deep rest she needed.

Her chest rose and fell steadily, creating a calming rhythm amidst the countless thoughts racing in my mind. I found myself momentarily captivated by the sight of her. She looked so peaceful, so different from the fierce and determined girl who had risked her life to protect me and Brian just hours earlier. The light from a dim overhead bulb cast a soft glow over her, giving her an ethereal quality.

Just as I was about to turn and leave her be, a familiar voice echoed inside my mind.

[Maito!] Helios's voice suddenly whispered through the ethereal connection of telepathy, sounding concerned and alert. [I am glad to see you are rested and awake.]

The sudden intrusion of his voice was jarring, and I instinctively looked around, as if expecting to see him in the physical space around me. Of course, there was no one there, just the quiet hum of the shelter and the distant, muffled sounds of others.

"Helios?" I hesitated before responding, rubbing my temples as I took in his message, "What's happening?"

Then, he appeared before me in a brief flash of red light, shaking out his feathers.

[A consequence of Lily’s actions,] Helios relayed, staring up at me. [After you passed out, she spoke to the officers at their request. She left out the details of your status as a Magical Guardian, of course, but the officers here were keen on learning about as many details as I could on the status of the Usurpation in the mall. Now, they're preparing to send an expedition out of the shelter through the mall, led by Officer Ji-woo Oh.]

I felt a rush of panic. "What?! Why?"

[I am not entirely sure,] Helios admitted. [But it might have to do with ensuring the mall's safety, or perhaps to seek out other survivors. As your Familiar, I would highly suggest you reach out to them at this juncture.]

Ji-woo had treated me well in the brief time I’d known her. More than well, in fact. The warmth in her eyes and the comforting touch on my back had surprised me. I just... wasn't used to it.

"Helios, what are their chances against the Anathema we’d encountered?"

[Mundane weaponry is still capable of killing Anathema of course, but they would lack the stopping power your silverbane bullets carry. The chance of them getting injured before putting one down is significantly higher. Against something bigger, like the gorillas you and Lily faced, they would have an exceedingly difficult time putting it down without hitting a vital area.]

I bit my lip, my hands balling into fists at my side. There was a churning in my stomach. It was a mix of anxiety, dread, and a new feeling I wasn't familiar with - the desire to do something. For the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of duty. I had the means to make a difference.

I could possibly save their lives.

My eyes fell on the still-sleeping form of Lily.

She had, in her own way, helped change my perspective. She had shown me kindness and understanding. I owed it to her, and to the countless other innocent souls in the mall, to do whatever I could to keep them safe.

Still, my inner doubts nagged at me. How would I approach them without giving away my Guardian status? The very reason for this expedition was because of the information they got from Lily. If I approached with more information or offered help now, it would surely raise suspicions. Moreover, I highly doubted these officers would be open to having a fifteen year old boy on the front lines.

I closed my eyes, trying to center myself, and breathed out slowly.

[If I may, Maito. In the sanctuary cities and most nations, Magical Guardians theoretically hold a special rank that is more or less equivalent to a captain in the army. All Arcadian police officers sign a Geas that prevents them from sharing the personal identities of a Magical Guardian unless they’ve labeled themselves as ‘public.’ Furthermore, it is typical to employ a Geas contract from Guardian High Command to manage the issue of the particulars of your abilities, should you reveal it to them. If it is your desire to help, you would almost certainly be more suited to the task than a group of mundane policemen.]

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, considering Helios's words. The safety net of the Geas was tempting, but even if the officers kept my identity a secret, I still had personal reservations.

"Okay," I began, swallowing the lump in my throat, "I’ll do it. I’ll approach the officers. But I need to do it carefully. I need to make them believe that I will be an asset to their team."

Helios was silent for a moment, as if considering something before responding.

[Of course, Maito,] Helios’s voice reassured me. [You are not alone in this. Remember that I am with you every step of the way.]

I gave a slow nod, feeling the weight of what I was about to do. I glanced once more at Lily, taking in her peaceful form. She had saved me in more ways than one, and now it was my turn to step up. The entire right side of my body ached, and my leg muscles felt uncomfortably tight. Meanwhile, my ankle throbbed in a line of dull heat.

I grabbed my backpack and put it on, not willing to leave it unattended.

Moving silently, I made my way out of the sleeping quarters, giving one last look at Lily before I gently closed the door.

Helios hopped after me, and I found myself glancing at her as I took my time walking. For some reason, I felt like I had something I wanted to ask him… something about a dream? The more I tried to pin down the question, the more it seemed to flee my mind.

It was probably nothing.

Frowning, I gave him another look. Nothing came to me, and I gave a mental shrug. It was probably nothing, but watching Helios hop next to me did bring up a sudden question.

"So…" I thought to her. "Just how long can you stay manifested for, anyway?"

[It depends how much mana you spend to first manifest me, but the general time limit is one hour. When your mana is full, however, I can tap into the overflow of what you are regenerating to keep myself manifested. I took the liberty of doing so while you were asleep. Also, do not forget that I can also appear in your vision as just an apparition, though that will be distinguishable by my form appearing semi-transparent.]

"Right," I nodded. "It was a lot of information to take in at once… but I guess now that we’re safe, we have plenty of time for you to teach me everything."

[Indeed!] Helios’s plumes perked up. [When we get sorted, we can begin talking about a variety of other important things, such as your codename, how to spend your stat points, and potential vaults, grimoires, and skills you might want! And that isn’t even going over things like daily, weekly, and monthly quests, or the rewards you have waiting for you once the Usurpation ends! But for now, make your way to the first door in the hall before the entry area.]

I followed Helios's instructions, feeling my heart hammering in my chest. The hall was empty, but I could hear voices coming from the entry area. I inhaled deeply, trying to muster up all the courage I had and pushed the doors open.

Officer Ji-woo Oh was standing at the front of a small group of officers with a tense expression. All of them were suited up in full combat gear, equipped with weapons and ammunition.

When she saw me, her eyes widened in surprise. I swallowed hard, suddenly feeling very out of place and small.

I took a deep breath before walking towards her.

"Maito, what are you doing up?" Ji-woo asked, her voice laced with concern. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I’m feeling better, thank you." I replied, trying to sound as confident as I could. "But I couldn’t help overhearing this..."

The officers looked at each other in confusion. The sole officer who wasn't in combat gear — a middle-aged man with salt and pepper hair — raised an eyebrow at me.

"About what, kid?" he asked incredulously.

"About your group here suiting up to go outside," I said firmly. "I think I could help. I mean, I have some experience and information about… the creatures."

The officers exchanged a look of disbelief, but Officer Oh’s expression softened.

"Maito, we appreciate the sentiment, but this is not something for a civilian to handle," she said. "Besides, we've already spoken with Lily, who provided us with plenty of actionable information about the creatures."

I nodded, understanding their skepticism.

"Officer Oh, I may have more information to offer, but I would not be comfortable sharing it so publicly," I said, choosing my words carefully. "I understand the importance of discretion in situations such as this. But I assure you, I can be of assistance."

The middle-aged officer narrowed his eyes at me.

"Listen, kid, we don't have time for this. We have a job to do and it's not safe for you to be out there. Now go back to bed and let us handle it."

Officer Oh shot him a look of annoyance, but I could tell she was considering his words respectfully. She shook her head at me apologetically.

"Unfortunately, time is running short. I'm sorry, Maito, but Officer O'malley is right. This isn't something we can involve a civilian in," she said firmly.

I could sense the finality in her tone and knew there was no point in arguing further. I swallowed my frustration, unwilling to give up quite yet. I'd wanted to reveal Helios and my status as a Magical Guardian in private. Out of all the people here, the only one I felt comfortable with was Ji-woo Oh and Lily. But if Officer Oh couldn't believe me and give me the time of day here, then I had to come up with an idea that would change her mind.

[Maito...] Helios's voice whispered in my mind. [Perhaps you can try from a different angle? I would appeal to the inherent risk of the mission. Pay attention to their body language. Take a deep breath. Be firm on your conviction to help.]

I nodded, feeling my determination returning. I swept my eyes across their faces, taking in their tense expressions and the fear in their eyes.

"Officer Oh, Officer O’Malley, please," I pleaded, my voice raw with desperation. "I understand your hesitation, but please believe me when I say that I have information that could be a gamechanger, depending on what your intentions are. But I need to speak with you in private, away from prying ears."

Ji-woo regarded me for a moment, and I held her gaze, trying to convey my sincerity. Then, she and Officer O'Malley exchanged a look before turning back to face me.

"Fine," Officer O'Malley grunted, "but make it quick."

She turned to the other officers and nodded, gesturing for them to move out of the command center.

I watched as the officers marched out of the room, their footsteps echoing through the hall. Once they were out of earshot, Officer Oh turned to me expectantly.

"Alright, Maito, what do you have to say?" She crossed her arms, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what I was about to reveal.

"I know this may come as a shock," I began, taking a deep breath, "but I'm not exactly what I seem."

Officer Oh raised an eyebrow, while Officer O'Malley simply scowled at me.

"What the hell do you mean by that?" he demanded.

I hesitated for a moment, shrinking away from him as my heart began to pound in my chest. But then I straightened my spine, determined to see this through.

"First, I want to apologize for my behavior earlier," I said, looking directly at Officer O'Malley. "I know it may have seemed strange, but I promise you, I have my reasons for it."

Breaking down crying earlier was not my finest moment, but now I had to show them that I was capable of handling myself under pressure.

"Helios?" I thought at him. "Do you have any misgivings about revealing yourself?"

The invisible phoenix-rabbit didn't respond immediately, but then he spoke up.

[I think it may be time to reveal myself, Maito. It seems like the only way to get them to believe in your abilities. May I suggest something sufficiently dramatic?] he answered as he hopped into the conference table.

I breathed deeply, feeling blood rush to my cheeks as I took a seat at the opposite end of the conference table.

"Sergeant O’Malley, Officer Oh, I, um…" I stuttered. "I’m really thankful for everything you’ve done for me and… I have something else to share, but it needs to remain as secret as possible."

Officer Oh and Officer O'Malley exchanged a look, their expressions guarded but curious. I could tell they were intrigued, but wary of what I might reveal.

"Of course, Maito," Ji-woo whispered gently. "Whatever it is, it’ll be safe with me."

I raised my hand dramatically over the table, hovering it over where Helios was sitting. Considering how short I was, even with me sitting in a chair, it looked more than a little ridiculous how high I had to raise my hand, and I felt myself blushing further. Taking a deep breath, I said the next words with as much confidence as I could muster.

"Come forth Helios!" I shouted.

To my surprise, red light appeared on the table beneath Helios, forming into the familiar magic circle. Red motes began to gather, forming around Helios in a glow as it gradually covered his entire form.

Then with an intense flash of light, the heptagram and glow vanished out of existence, leaving Helios sitting there alone and unchanged. Judging by the way both Sergeant O’Malley and Ji-woo flinched back and were now looking at Helios with wide eyes, though, I was guessing they were now able to see him.

Helios’s plumes slowly unfolded behind him, each one waving independently with a slow, ethereal grace.

"He…lios?" Officer Oh asked, disbelief evident in her tone.

"Yes," I nodded solemnly. "He is my Familiar and partner."

[Greetings,] Helios said, and both of them flinched again. [It is a pleasure to properly meet you both, and I wish to thank you for taking such good care of my Guardian.]