He didn’t sign for days, of course. He’d taken the hints, and once he’d decided on his choices, there were considerable preparations to be made.
At the top of that list was the customized outfitting for his ‘trans-emigration’. As good a term as any.
Everything you possess, other than your clothes, his own predecessor had written. For Justin, that was a loophole through which he could, and would, drive a whole fleet of trucks. He had the money – the blood money, as he privately characterized it, despite being legally obtained – to exploit that to the hilt.
Bespoke pants, sewn with concealed gold and platinum wire, of multiple karats and multiple gauges. Which had necessarily been sourced from multiple sellers, because the federal government had views on the ownership of precious metals by private citizens. It jacked the price up, but he could afford it. Hand-made gemstone buttons, hidden behind fabric covers – emeralds, rubies, high-end jadeite. Large pieces and small ones.
No diamonds.
Thank god for Etsy. He lost some materials to theft while finding a reliable seamstress, but the end result she produced was more than worth it.
The jacket was trickier. Yes, there were off-the-shelf hoodies and such with built-in speakers, but a rush order of the top rated ones quickly revealed that the audio quality among all of them just didn’t make the grade. He needed the highest fidelity, the longest battery life, the most reliable players he could afford – he had a plan; this wasn’t merely for his personal use. A ruggedized solar panel, for recharging. A fieldwork multimeter, to ensure the safe replacement of batteries with a locally built generator, eventually. Formulas, instuctions, technical diagrams stitched into the lining. Everything had to be integrated, made literally necessary to its function as an article of clothing. And more, things he hadn’t even thought of, couldn’t think of, because he lacked the background.
A few calls, a few emails, a few days later, and he was shaking hands with both the Deans of Fine Arts and of Engineering at Carnegie Mellon. A seven-figure charitable trust, even at the lowest bound, bought a lot of attention. Three weeks after that, thanks to a crash interdisciplinary program originally for scholarship students that somehow sucked in another half-dozen uncompensated participants, he had his prototypical Upcoat – an overcoat built for technological Uplifting.
Smiles all around. People felt good. It was a silly project, frivolous even, but there was also a strong sense of accomplishment. They’d done something special, they’d done it well, and they’d done it quickly.
And, of course, they'd gotten academic credit for it.
He was gone the next day. He’d put his last half-million into an educational trust for the next generation of his family, one that was limited to trade schools. Named for his father.
No one in that world ever saw or heard from him again.
# # #
YOU KNOW
said the luminous white oval,
I SEE ALL TYPES IN THIS BUSINESS
Justin’s vision flickered, in the spiritual equivalent of a blink. He would have looked around, if he’d been embodied. As it was, all he could do was stare at the glowing, amorphous entity before him.
FROM WINNERS TO LOSERS
it continued,
HEROES TO MONSTERS
LIBERATORS TO DESPOTS
SAGES TO FOOLS
FROM THE HONEST
TO THE DECEITFUL
THE BEAUTIFUL
TO THE HIDEOUS
THE VIRTUOUS
TO THE VILE
THE WITLESS
TO THE WISE
FROM LIONS AND EAGLES
TO BEARS AND WOLVES
TO FOXES AND JACKALS
TO SERPENTS AND WEASELS
AND
THEN
THERE'S
YOU
Justin began laughing uproariously.
“Th-thanks!” he stuttered out, between the gusts of hilarity.
‘EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE’
the being grumbled.
DO YOU
HAVE
ANY
IDEA
HOW MANY TIMES
THAT HINT HAS BEEN PASSED ALONG?
BAD ENOUGH
IT’S ADVICE SO VALID
FOR PROPERLY KEEPING THE SHOP
THAT I CAN’T RIGHTFULLY REMOVE IT
BUT THEN
THERE ARE
THE TIMES
WE GET
PEOPLE
LIKE
YOU
PEOPLE WHO
BLATANTLY
ATTEMPT TO AMEND THE CONTRACT!
YOU DON’T EVEN BOTHER
TRYING TO HIDE IT!
NO FAKING THE INK!
NO SIMULATING THE LOGOGRAPHY!
NOTHING!
YOU JUST
SCRIBBLE!
ON ME!
Justin’s laughter shut off like a light switch.
“Oh,” he said. “If that’s the case, I apologize.”
HUH
said the entity, elongating slightly in surprise.
REALLY?
“Yes, really,” said Justin. “I regret how I crossed your personal boundaries like that. I didn’t realize you were a sapient being.”
WELL
THANK YOU
NOT THE FIRST TIME
I’VE HEARD THAT
OF COURSE
BUT IT WAS
AMONG THE SOONEST
“That said,” Justin added, because Justin, “I still would have done it. I would have warned you first, though.”
Somehow, despite being a glowy white blob, the entity manage to convey the impression that it was facepalming.
NEVER MIND
I SHOULDN’T HAVE EXPECTED BETTER FROM YOU
LET’S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH
BOTTOM LINE
YOU CAN’T HAVE ALL THOSE CHANGES
FIRST
YOU CAN’T HAVE THE UPLIFT DATA
OUT OF MY HANDS
HARD NO FROM UPPER MANAGEMENT
DON’T
EVEN
TRY
HOWEVER
A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
THE MUSIC COLLECTION IS NEGOTIABLE
YOUR SHOP TRANSFORM CHOICE
COULD TECHNICALLY COVER IT
EXCEPT
THE COLLECTION’S EXTREME SIZE
REQUIRES A COMPARABLE EXPENDITURE
IT’S A LOT OF HIGHLY ORGANIZED ENERGY
SO
YOU MAY HAVE IT ALL
IN EXCHANGE FOR
75% OF YOUR VALUABLES
OR
“Ten percent,” Justin interrupted automatically.
HEY!
YOU COULD LET ME FINISH?
OR
WE CAN
“Ten. Percent.” Justin repeated.
OR!
WE CAN!
SET!
SOME EXCLUDING FILTERS
FOR A REDUCTION IN THAT COST
SUCH AS
“No,” Justin said. “Ten percent for all of it. Which price does not, by the way, include any of the technology involved in accessing or using it. No O. Henry, Monkey’s Paw shenanigans. And now we negotiate.”
DID I MENTION THAT I SEE
LAMPREYS AND LEECHES TOO?
OR THAT THEY’D BE ASHAMED
TO BE COMPARED TO YOU?
“I have plans for that money! It’s investment capital! For a better Shop!”
OH SURE
I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE
WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE IT THIS TIME?
“Well, to begin with, I didn’t go negative back at you! I stayed positive! I went for the mutual win!”
. . .
FINE
THAT’S A FAIR POINT
ASSUMING
I LIKE WHAT I HEAR
ABOUT THESE PLANS LATER
I COULD GO AS LOW AS 50%
“And counter-assuming that you don’t keep trying to punish me for going all-in on this deal - the way I actually did! - then I suppose I could give up twenty percent. Total; ten more, not ten plus twenty.”
. . .
I CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING
SETTLE AT A PROVISIONAL 25%?
“I don’t like it either, but yes.”
MOVING ON THEN
YOU MAY CONVERT
TWO
NORMAL
MONTHLY SUPPLY CHOICES
INTO
ONE
MONTHLY SUPPLY
OF EARTH SEEDS
WHICH WILL ALWAYS INCLUDE
CHOCOLATE
VANILLA
AND COFFEE
YOU DON’T NEED THE POPPING CORN
THAT’S ALREADY AVAILABLE THERE
BIT TRICKY TO GET IN COMMERCIAL QUANTITIES
BUT
WE'RE SURE
YOU’LL FIND
A WAY
“Guaranteed monthly supplies of raw cacao, vanilla, and coffee seeds, in quantities sufficient for one venue’s monthly retail usage and sales, at prices affordable in the labor segment of the economy? Because I am not down with denying chocolate to the children of working-class parents!”
ACCEPTABLE
COMMENDABLE EVEN
AND FINALLY
TO BE HONEST
I REALLY LIKE YOUR TRANSFORM PROPOSAL
UNFORTUNATELY THOUGH
IT DOES STRETCH THE CONSTRAINTS
OF THE TRANSFORM UPGRADE
TO THE BREAKING POINT
EVEN IN COMBINATION
WITH WARPED SPACE
IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A SPECIALIZATION
NOT AN AGGREGATION
BUT
ON THE OTHER HAND
IT’S SUCH A GREAT IDEA
WITH TREMENDOUS POTENTIAL
AND HAS SO MUCH
CONCEPTUAL MASS
IN YOUR ORIGINAL WORLD
AND YOU REALLY DID YOUR RESEARCH
AND HONED THE DESCRIPTION
TO A RAZOR’S EDGE
SO
IT’S NOT IMPOSSIBLE
VERY EXPENSIVE
BUT POSSIBLE
OH AND ALSO
TO BE EXPLICITLY CLEAR
WITHOUT MOBILE
THERE’S STILL NO LEAVING THE CITY
“The latter is fine,” Justin said. “I expected as much, going by Mobile’s text. What still confuses me is the dichotomy between Bigger Shop and Warped Space.”
IT'S NOT COMPLICATED
SOME PEOPLE SIMPLY WANT A BIGGER FOOTPRINT
WITHOUT ANY MAGICAL ENHANCEMENT
“And there’s no supernatural consequences involved? Bigger Shop isn’t inherently – narratively, let’s say - safer in any way?”
NO
IT’S PURELY A PERSONAL PREFERENCE
NOTHING MORE
“Then this is where we dicker over the increased cost for my Transform upgrade, I suppose.”
AND AS I SAID
I RATHER LIKE IT
SO I’LL CUT YOU A DEAL
50% OFF THE TOP
PLUS THE 25% FOR THE MUSIC LIBRARY
EQUALS 75%
OF THE
OVER FOUR MILLION DOLLARS
IN METALS AND GEMS
THAT YOU’RE SNEAKING IN
YOU GREEDY
MANIPULATIVE
UNDERHANDED
CHEAT!
“No. Much too high. I can do another fifteen percent, for a total of forty, but that’s it.”
AAUGGH
YOU’RE KILLING ME HERE
KILLING ME
WHY DON’T YOU JUST CARVE MY HEART
RIGHT OUT OF MY CHEST
AND TAKE A BIG BITE?
Justin spirit-blinked again.
“Because you’re a formless glowy blob, and I’m currently disembodied?”
OH HAR HAR
GET A LOAD
OF MISTER COMEDIAN
OVER THERE
LOOK
PAL
EONS I’VE BEEN AT THIS
EONS I TELL YOU
I’VE SEEN THEM COME AND GO
HIGH AND LOW
AND IF THERE’S ONE THING I’VE LEARNED
IT’S THAT SOMETIMES
YOU JUST GOTTA TAKE THE LOSS
“So do it,” Justin said. “Take that loss.”
WHAT?
NO!
NOT ME!
YOU!
“Too late; you should have phrased it better. And are you seriously reducing this to the neener-neener nanny-nanny boo-boo poopy-pants level already?”
YOU
YOU
INSUFFERABLE
INTOLERABLE
INVIDIOUS
ARRGHH!
“Hold it,” Justin said, as a few new clues from their conversation fell together in his head, leading to a sudden shock of insight. “You. . .you’re bluffing! You are! You can’t actually refuse any of my amendments, can you? You can only enforce what the upper management decides. You’re – you’re negotiating for your own damn cut! Ohohohoho! Well now! Let’s just see, then. . . .”
40%TOTALAGREEDCONTRACTACCEPTEDSO
The entity floated closer to Justin’s bodiless point of view. . .
I’LL SEE YOU
ON THE
OTHER SIDE
. . .growing in size. . .
CARSE-HOLE
. . .and brightness. . .
AND REMEMBER
. . .until it loomed over him, massive. . .
YOU
. . .inconceivably large. . .
CHOSE
. . .and blazing like an OI supergiant star. . .
THIS
“Oh, bring it, round boy,” Justin said, as he, and the entity, and the merest concept of space left around both of them all collapsed into a single sourceless, dimensionless point, and vanished.