A wet drop tickles my nose, then another drop lands on my eye.

I blink.

I rub the liquid from my eye and awaken.

I see the blurry smear of light and shadow and blink a few more times as more raindrops pour through the cracks in the roof. It is dark. The stars and crescent moon shine down through the uneven gaps in the tiles.

My head throbs with pounding pain.

I was dreaming but what slips from my grasp the more I try to think about it.

I sit up, my back stiff from the hard floor, and roll my shoulders back.

My whole body is tight, and as more rain pours hitting my head and soaking my hair. I feel cold and very much awake.

Rubbing the sleeping from my eyes, I get up and walk out of the small, dank room pushing open the rotting door.

Groggy from the rough wake up I walk out of the building. The Old Woman is nowhere in sight this late at night. I lean in the doorway watching the night sky and staying out of the rain.

It had been a long day and a short sleep.

I try to concentrate, but my chest feels heavy and flashes of killing drag me back into a daze. I try to run from the pain but the grip of shame clings tighter the more I try to not feel the pain.

I bite my nail. I pick at them and the skin. The relief is brief and passes but inflicting punishment on my body makes those moments bearable.

I failed. I failed at the academy. I failed at becoming more than a killer. I failed to live up to the expectations of my best friend. I failed one of my oldest friends and pushed her away because my feelings were hurt. I came from a failed people whom I was exiled from birth for being weak. My very life is an accident as I was supposed to starve to death above ground abandoned by my parents. I couldn’t even stick with being a soldier as I seized the chance to become a Magi.

I let out a sigh and listen to the creaks of the old building. I fill my being with silence and pull away from my thoughts to the quiet sounds all around me even before dawn there is the distant noise of the city life.

"Why should I take it all so seriously? Only an optimist would believe that death is better than life. And though the idea of suicide provides a sense of relief just as I can find no reason to live, neither can I find a reason to die. For I wish to be with my friend more than I fear a life in pain." I speak aloud to myself in a hoarse voice.

The headache sticks and my muscles remain tense even though I am sad and disappointed in myself I take some consolation in my reasoning.

The rain petters out and the sun peeks out from under the horizon and I push off the doorway for a better look at the dawn.

Rising out as if given life from the waters of the rivers the yellow glow and heat wash over me. The refreshing presence of the sun puts a small smile on my lips.

I let out a sigh and I feel peace for a few moments until I remember I will have to meet Gareth and the Twins, and I feel my shoulders becoming tighter again.

I roll my shoulders back.

When was it that my body changed so much that at the mere thought of a threat I tense till my muscles are harder than stone? That I get headaches that make me want to lie down and curl up till they pass.

When did I become so angry and feel powerless?

It was before yesterday the memory that shattered me, yet the events of the day before have dragged me back into an abyss I thought I had crawled out of for good. Was it my first kill? Was it your death Abi? Or you Jules? Or was it after starving for days while besieging Alasis and watching us fall one by one to sickness that smelling the burning bodies I felt hungry and wanted to feast?

"Alessia, why did you leave me? Life became confusing without your guidance."

My thoughts swirling, I walk down to the harbour and watch the boats of the fisherfolk sail out down the river.

Mid-day and night meals of the city swim in the waters with little time and a lot of hungry mouths to feed fishing boats seem to leave at dawn’s light.

A least they did today.

I watch the wooden canoes sail off one fisher folk pushing forward with a long paddle. In one of the canoes, a long net dangles half off the side ready to be tossed in. They set out talking and laughing amongst themselves to catch the plentiful fish of more kinds than I can name.

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Years ago, from now, I remember talking to a fisherwoman who had brought back ten different kinds of fish from one trip. She had fished in every place imaginable in her time from rivers to the sea. She told of hunting large fish the sizes of houses or seeing a great beast rise from the depths of the ocean.

I would have thothoughte was boasting if not two months later I saw the corpse of the great beast with tentacles thrice as large and long as any horse I have ever seen.

"Not that they were native to our dimension. A relic of an invasion by the Shepherds." I muse aloud.

They all look fine. A little weary perhaps from the work but okay. They look glad to be among their fellows. I am not okay. However, painful his judgement maybe I need to go back to Gareth.

A buzzing restless impulse to find them and I remember I should be at the gate to meet with Gareth.

Hungry but driven I slowly job to the other side of the city.

The noise of the city starts to rise with the sun as shops open and people start their days with the light. A variety of people going about their morning. Some looking fresh with a bounce to their steps and mingling with neighbours, others barely able to keep their eyes open shuffle out of their doors.

A woman pushes a cart filled with fresh pies I grab one and pay her munching on it and tasting the garlic and cheese. Food in hand I walk towards the East gate sticking to the main roads as the crumbs gather in the folds of my robes from every bite of the pie.

I arrive at the East Gate. Gareth a good distance from the actual gate paces back and forth alone. My throat is dry, and I pause for a moment and think about walking away. Someone knocks against my shoulder as they walk past offering a quick apology as they rush on.

Guards approach.

They wield spears and wear loose-fitting gambeson. One of them is large has a thick ginger beard and wears a green cap. The other has stubble and is as thin as a stick.

"Looks like trouble." says the Stick thin Guard.

"I mean no harm." I reply in soothing tones raising my hands in open palms.

"Sure. Don’t think I don’t spot you, Red." growls the large, bearded Guard.

"Red?" I say clearing my throat in surprise.

"Your kind been through here before." responds the stick-thin Guard.

"Yes, and there are always bodies." adds the large bearded one.

Memories of yesterday, of the slavers and Grecis; their corpses still.

"You’re a danger to the city, fuck off, Horns." Says the stick-thin Guard.

"Yeah, run with your tail between your legs, Red." Says the large bearded one.

"What is going on here?" asks Gareth in calming tones but I catch his expression for a moment stiff, his eyes narrow into slits a trace of anger stratified by discipline.

They eye his sword and armour hesitate then look at each and nod sharing a mutual understanding. I feel my tension easing as it looks like we will come to a peaceful resolution.

"Piss off sellsword! Unless you want to spend a night in the cells." Barks the thin Guard.

"Yeah, runoff!" yells the bearded guard.

Fuck.

"We mean no h…"

Gareth is cut off as the fist of the thin guard connects with his jaw.

The large bearded goes to punch him in the stomach but I catch the blow and stop the attack short. He shakes off my grip easily.

I look over and see the thin guard on the ground eating the dirt trying to scramble up as Gareth stands over him.

The bearded guard goes to punch Gareth and in dual action, Gareth punches him and sweeps his legs, so he falls over on his back the dust kicking upon impact.

"Have you had enough?" I ask with a small upturn of the lips as the flood of energy hits.

Please say no. No, give up. No more pain. End the violence.

He spits on my boots as he stands up.

"We’re leaving. Goodbye." Declares Gareth.

"Stop, in the name of the council and to my great satisfaction you’re gonna rot in a cell, the both of yea." Demands the thin Guard his eyes staring in unblinking fury at Gareth then me in turn.

"Don’t do this." Begs Gareth.

"Let's gut 'em."

I shove a teleport gate and they walk into it and disappear and reappear blocked from our view a few hundred feet outside the city.

"Run!" I shout to Gareth.

We sprint out of there, my thighs and chest burn. I gasp for breath. People part out of our way, their eyes wide with fear at the power of magic. We stumble into a dank alleyway.

Gareth pants, "Are they alive?"

"Yes." I gasp bent over sucking in the air.

"Shit." He mutters. "It’s been a while since that has happened."

A mixture of fury and shame curdle in my stomach as I feel a heightened awareness of the colour of my skin, horns and tail.

How do you explain it is not my fault? Or worse how does my existence, my flesh incites people to violence?

That no matter how human I act I will always be a demon and no matter how much humanity you show you people will never reach the heights you all imagine of the elves. That I have no idea what I demon is except by my own body or tales of a people at endless war bound by a duty sworn Millenia past.

"I’m glad you are alright. We should get going before any more trouble comes along." Says Gareth, jolting me from my thoughts.

We jog away, pushing through crowds of people until a good distance away we duck into a back alley.

"Fuck, nothing seems to be going right anymore,"

"Hey, I’m proud of you. You know that, right? Our situation is rough, but something will come of it, yeah. It just hasn’t happened yet."

"I… yesterday was awful, Gareth. I’m not asking you to agree with me but I am telling you I acted to protect myself, yes, to get us to coin yes, but to help them. I tried to give them a way out. They wouldn’t take it… they enjoyed the pain they inflicted too much."

"I don’t know what to say… murder is wrong. I believe that I have to or…"

"There were so many bodies, hanging there swinging side to side."

"What?"

"So many still living... and they were cut, chopped and broken into the image of crippled homeless."

"At war, you got piss drunk to make it to the front or did it still like a puppet moving on command. She slaughtered people and was happy and proud. They seemed to me monsters of stories yet all too human. I can scarce believe it to be true if not from the headache and sickness that torment me as I try to blot the memory from my mind."

"I don’t think trying to forget will heal… only cause more pain until you fear the fear. Notice, my friend and be proud you did something about it. If you feel disgusted with yourself remember I love you always, and that I need you and now so do the twins."

"Thank you, Gareth. For what it is worth. Thank you."

"Happy to be here for you. Come on. We are at the Fluffy Duckling."

"The Fluffy Ducking, you serious?"

"I am, the owner wanted to make the place welcoming. They bought a pretty sign and everything… They are of the odd sort but kind." He says vaguely. "Come on, round the corner."