The fresh air on my walk to the main house fills my lungs with nature. Trees crowd in to comfort me, branches brushing my arms as I pass, encouraging me onward. I step cautiously, not wanting my heels to sink in the earth below. There’s a rustle in the leaves behind me. Instinctively, I sniff the air, annoyed the creature is downwind, so I can’t scent which one it is. It isn’t my phasers. They can be trusted to fulfill their end of the bargain. My guaranteed attendance to this birthday party had specific conditions.
Grace was the only one to argue my wishes. She wanted to embellish with a childlike theme one more year. Helium Hysterics was one of my favourites. Everyone had to speak in a high pitched voice the entire night. It was amusing, to say the least. That was my first birthday party, the beginning of a ritual she delighted over each year after. Grace has a way of getting everyone involved, whether they want to participate or not. When manipulation and bribery won’t work, threats are effective.
Again, the nearly inaudible shifting of undergrowth comes from behind me. “Creepy peepers,” I grumble.
Not waiting for a response, I pick up my pace. Whoever it is doesn’t matter. It’s not Jack. It’s one or another of his little minions sent to do his bidding. In the last three years, I’ve spoken to him once in human form. It was a brief altercation, void of personal connection. Totally business professional. I let him think I’m oblivious to his constant vigil. If he wanted me to see him, to know he’s still watching, he’d make it apparent. Maintaining the distance between us says far more than words ever could. Sad fact, if I asked for closer contact, he’d give it. Sadder fact, I won’t. Punishing myself by being without him is the only thing I can do to apologize for what I stole from him. His freedom.
Relationship status: it’s complicated. Fusion is complex. It should be an easy matter of all life’s forces shifting, and when they do, tunnel vision has the fused seeing nothing but the fuser, sewn by a million invisible, invincible threads. Obviously, it isn’t so simple. If the puppeteer is unable to move the marionette, the cords hang motionless, rotting. My fire phaser is fighting against the connection. The battle won’t last forever, yet I have no desire to be second best when the big, bad wolf finally stops trying to rival Luna. After all, I’m not the one who was fused. As the fuser, I do have a choice. I don’t have to settle for anything. It’s my future. I won’t live it for anyone else.
“Rory,” calls a voice from behind me. “Wait up.”
Tessa’s in Jack’s pack. Because of that, she knows everything about me Jack knows and vice versa. Wolves hold no secrets. The pack mind is completely united, a by-product of his fusion to me. At least he got something out of it. We’ve formed a strong friendship, to everyone’s surprise. Tessa despises phasers. Since I’m half, no one understands why she’s drawn to me. I’m not suspicious. Sure, I can’t tell her anything I don’t want repeated, but that’s expected. Accepted. She isn’t deliberately reporting my every move to Jack. She doesn’t have a choice. We have that in common. Our bond stems more, in my opinion, from the fact I’m the only other person she can confide in who happens to have fourteen chromosomes. I sympathize with her. Like me, she has no one to share her pain.
She slows her run when she catches up to me. “Someone thought I needed an escort?” I ask glumly. Jack doesn’t enjoy me gallivanting through the forest unprotected.
“Sorry,” she mutters.
Tessa’s never tried to lie to me. I sincerely appreciate that. Her bitter façade fades in my presence, like she can be open about how she’s feeling since it won’t matter to her whether I think she’s tough or mean or sad. There’s no need to put up a formidable guard.
“I genuinely wanted to come,” she throws in.
I believe her, but it still annoys me certain people can’t stand back enough to let nature take its course. Instead of it being a gesture of friendship, it’s been warped into some territorial desire to protect that’s weird and unwanted.
Tessa furrows her brow. “How was your day?”
“It was…quiet,” I admit.
She sighs dreamily. We both feel the same sense of intrusion, on different levels. In her wolf pack, Tessa has no private thoughts. Every single thing she feels and sees is thrust upon the others. Resentment helps her hold some stuff back. Sometimes she’s able to go days without the boys picking up on anything other than the snarky commentary she throws their way. It’s the same with Dad. He hears everything in my mind. Tessa has something of an advantage, though. Not only can they hear her mind, but their thoughts and feelings belong to her as well. So, while the struggle continues, it’s two-sided, a glass wall allowing them to work as a team. One joined unit. I can’t read minds. My air ability doesn’t work like that. Mine is a giving talent. A one-sided mirror reflecting back all I see. Is anything ever truly one-sided? I’m guessing not, seeing as Jack twisted the gift to his advantage. Can I take something? If so, what would it be?
When we break through the trees, Tessa stops abruptly, wrinkling her nose at the smell she still hasn’t gotten used to.
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I laugh. “That bad, eh?”
She fake gags. “The worst.”
“You don’t mind me,” I offer.
“You’re different because—” She stops herself short.
“Because Jack,” I remark.
“Sorry,” she commiserates.
I lift a challenging brow. “Want to make it up to me by coming inside?”
She snorts derisively. I know she won’t. No matter how much time passes, she just can’t fight the feelings she has about the trigon phasers. That’s what the fire phasers call us. Trigons. It’s stupid. Trigon is a proper noun. A place. Not an adjective. They don’t call themselves fire phasers anymore. They refer to themselves as shifters, driven by two phases of the moon. New moon shifters are dark fire phasers, while full moon shifters are light fire phasers. Tessa’s a new moon shifter. She needs the pack to shift. That’s why she stays, despite being unhappy with her lot. The history and purpose of her being won’t allow her to evolve her thinking, even though she, herself, is dark. Same as me.
My birth forced this truce. A treaty exists as a formality. My phaser family considers the wolves a new branch of supernatural friends, ones they can trust. For the wolves, they trust the phasers as individuals, but not as a whole. As for dark phasers, they’re hunted. Exterminated like vermin. Shifters vehemently hate phasers. More than hate. Is there something bigger than hate? Detest? Loathe? Yes to all that. Hatred as big as their hypocrisy, seeing as they’re phasers themselves.
The hatred stems from wanting to protect humans. Our group doesn’t feed from humans anyway. Rick’s fused to Pete, so there’s no need. That leaves me and Jarek. Jarek’s fused to Grace. Again, theirs is a fusion mismatch. Jarek’s a dark water phaser. He can ingest tears, spit...any bodily fluid in a pinch. Bagged blood. Actually, that works for me too. I just find it gross. While ours isn’t a strong friendship, there’s an understanding between us. I stand in the eye of the storm. Maybe I am the storm. Yeah, I’m absolutely the storm. No contest.
Other phasers like us exist, though they’re few and far between. There’s no easy way to tell them apart from us. Light and dark is simple enough. Light contains white flecks in the iris, whereas dark contains black flecks. Elements are also easy. Grey for air, green for earth, blue for water, and red for fire. Except, fire looks more burnt orange unless they’ve shifted into animal form, then it becomes bright red.
Light fire phasers replenish energy via the direct element, same as every other light phaser. Dark fire phasers…well, they don’t feed from humans. They feed from us. Or any phaser really, even from their own element. Technically, they can feed from any energy. Plants. Animals. Human food. They’re basically goats. I don’t mean greatest of all time, either. That’s why packs are so important. Along with controlling the shift, they feed the beasts who’d otherwise consume us all.
The truce is in their best interest too. The Trinity may give us the stink-eye for toeing their lines, but mostly they don’t interfere in our day to day life. If a wolf pack starts eating a bunch of phasers, it’d definitely grab their attention, inviting complications. That’s not to say there have never been complications. My birth was a big, fat one. They brought an intimidating group to challenge us over it. Sorry. My bad. They weren’t challenging us. They were curious. They wanted to ensure there was no threat, me being the threat in all my infantile ferocity. Me, the wee babe who couldn’t even coax my fingers to flip the suckers off. Seriously menacing. Needless to say, they did not feel threatened, so they skittered off back to Trigon content I posed no danger.
“Happy Birthday, Rory,” Tessa whispers, making for the trees. There’s silence, then rustling, before she phases back into the forest. Alone at the edge of the lawn, I wish she’d have walked me to the door. Had she stayed another few seconds, I’d have begged her to come inside with me. She probably knew that, hence the bolting. Smart dog.
I legitimately don’t want to face everyone. I don’t know what they’ll say, what they expect. The last decade has led up to this one moment, the moment of my adulthood. What now? Will they fake cry, throw confetti, breathe a sigh of relief I’ve made it so they can all stop worrying it’ll happen?
Last year was projected to mark this closure. Nope. I had another year in me. The advancement crept along slowly. Not nearly so dramatic as in the beginning, but progressing still. A tapering sort of growth. At first, there was a lot of panic I’d be geriatric by now, causing everyone to hover too closely. So close, in fact, I was convinced I’d be smothered by the attention. Having personal boundaries is a luxury I went without. While the growth slowed, and has finally stopped, the hovering did not. Time to nip that bad habit in the bud.
I’m thankful Tessa walked with me. Had I been alone to stew in my thoughts, I would’ve bailed before making it to the house. Annoying or not, Jack was right to send her, even if he’s too drool-minded to acknowledge she’d have come on her own. As Alpha, his brain works mechanically, full of tactical and revised plans. I’m his backup plan. If he can’t figure out how to break the binding, he’ll settle for me. Guess what? I’m not sitting around waiting for it to happen.
Tonight, I’ll tell them all. I’m not sure where I’ll go, but it has to be somewhere far, far away. I need some me time without all the confusing connections. I need to be somewhere without expectations, without my guilt or emotions making my decisions for me. I need some freedom. Some fresh air. They can no longer make me stay, yet I’m tethered by my love and inability to go against their wishes. I don’t want to hurt them. As a child, a minor, I felt an obligation to maintain my place and respect them as much as any rebellious teenager might respect their parents. While I was never a regular human, restricted by typical immaturity, I did look like a child. As an adult, I can take my leave without so many lies required. I need to start by being open with my family, telling them how I feel. I need to give them the honesty they’ve consistently given me. It’s time for me to get gone.
By the time I realize how close I am to the house, it’s too late to shake away the thoughts. How stupid could I be? Every thought in my head was being shared for the last fifteen minutes. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I clench my fists tightly at my sides. He was listening. He always listens. Everyone in the house will know my plans now. What will they say? Will they agree with me? Will they try to stop me? Chain me up in the basement? Yeah, no. That one’s out. There’s no basement in the main house or our cabin. Guilt. Luna help me, they’re going to slap the guilt shackles on me.