“Sey se hyah!”

What is going on?

“Ha!”

Help

“Hup”

Me

“HaaaaaaAAAAHH!”

Pleeeeeaase

Okay that last one was unnecessarily loud. How am I not able to speak??

I catch the look of pity the little guard flashes at me. He puts his spear and shield behind a nearby tree and walks slowly up to me as though he’s approaching an injured animal.

“Are you okay, buddy?” he says slowly.

I vigorously shake my head. “Seyah!” escapes my lips before I slap my hands across my mouth and groan in frustration. The muffled sounds of “Ha! He! Hayah!” come through.

The guard nods and pats my arm like I’m a child. He says “At least it seems like you can understand me. It’s okay, bud.”

I’m supposed to be talking to you like that, not the other way around!

I roll my eyes as he continues, “The Great Twice informed us that we might be getting a visitor that has been blessed with a holy pilgrimage to find and return sacred seeds. But Twice did not say that the visitor would be… impaired.”

As much as he looked like it, the speech and condescending look he was currently giving me let me know that he may not actually be a child.

He gives me a long appraising look before sighing and saying, “Look. Let’s keep this simple. My name is Dymo. I’m one of the gate guardians. Are you looking for Ochaco seeds?”

I nod.

“Would you like some help?”

Nod.

“Do you know the rules?”

I shake my head.

He gives another deep sign then says, “First of all, where is your hat? You always, ALWAYS, need to be fully dressed. Not only is it indecent, it’s for your safety. Do you understand?”

I nod and say,“Hyah!”

Sure. I guess.

Quest Initiated

Name: Need some head… gear

Type: Fetch

Description: Nobody likes a sloppy top! Find your lost hat.

Progress: 0/1

Reward: ???

What is up with these quests? Whoever designed this must be thirsty. Which reminds me. I should probably find some water somewhere or something. If I have a whole week to finish the first quest, I’ll need some kind of supplies. At least this quest doesn’t have a time limit. I stress enough on timed events in games as it is. Doing it for real is really wearing me down. I hope the adorable little man-child isn’t saying anything important.

“…. which is exactly the problem in the first place!” He finishes his rant/exposition on the quest as I am finally able to refocus.

“Hu. Ha!” I yell way too loudly

Whatever

He seems to take that as me agreeing with him and gives me a slow, proud nod.

“Good. Now be quick about it.” He says with a grin.

I give him a mock salute and begin jogging back the way I came.

Gotta hurry a bit. There’s no telling how long it will take to find those damn seeds. At least I know exactly where the hat is. Getting it down will be the hard part. I’m sure as shit not going to climb the tree to get it. Maybe I can throw rocks at it or poke it with a long stick?

It doesn’t take long before I come across what I’m pretty sure is the path back to the busted up treehouse. I take the path without hesitation. No time to lose afterall.

If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

Not long after I start down the path, I notice it getting darker and darker. There are no buildings in sight, which lines up with my memory. What’s different is something deeper. There are no sounds or signs of birds. No whimsical atmosphere. In fact, the branches closest to the path remind me of grasping hands with the way they snag on my tunic. The promise of a slow death evident in their…

I give my head a quick shake before I can let my imagination run too wild.

You’re fine. It’s just a tree.

I give the next branch a high five as I continue my jog. Forcing myself to laugh at my own overactive imagination.

I finally reach the end of the path and there is a run down, barely standing house at the end of it. But it’s not MY run down, barely hanging on treehouse.

“Fuck” I whisper under my breath. Or I attempt to anyway. It comes out as a loud, “Se!”

I start to turn around to head back to the main path then stop.

I WAS just talking about my lack of supplies. All I have is this musty sack. Hmm…

I take a closer look at the building. It’s resting on the ground so I won’t have to climb but the roof has collapsed near the front door. I doubt I’ll be able to enter that way. The tree reaching out from the center of the shack is absolutely covered in vines. They drape down in thick ropes through the holes in the roof. Some of them are twisted and knotted in unusual ways.

As I walk around the moss covered structure, I spot what might be a chest through the broken planks. It’s close to the front door that I confirm is blocked by the fallen roof. I also find a section of the back wall that has enough broken boards that I should be able to squeeze through.

Thank god I don’t have tits, right?

…

That made me sad.

I peer through that hole, not seeing any movement, and I contemplate my options.

On the one hand, I can’t expect any handouts. This is a reasonably easy risk to take. Squeeze in. Loot. Squeeze out. I doubt I’ll be able to steal from the locals without getting caught. No. I definitely don’t want a mob of cute, angry elves armed with pitchforks and torches chasing the “giant” that showed up unannounced. This is the easiest way to search for supplies.

On the other hand, this place is creepy as fuck. There’s barely any light. I could swear those branches are reaching closer and closer the longer I stand here… This place reminds me of some kind of hideout Poison Ivy would use.

Poison Ivy is so hot though.

Sold.

I gingerly step over what’s left of a few boards and carefully slide through the broken, moss covered section I spotted before.

I hope my tetanus shot is up to date.

Deciding to put the thought potential lock-jaw on the back burner, I give my eyes a moment to adjust and look around the small shack.

It’s about what I expected. A section near the front is completely covered in beams and some kind of shingles. There are large and small vines draped from the ceiling and littering the floor. There is also an almost overwhelming smell of earth surrounding me. Like compost that is too wet and slightly unpleasant.

I pick my path around the vines. Careful about each step. I slowly work my way around the tree trunk using the few shafts of light as guide points.

When I finally reach the chest, I kneel down on a section of planks that hasn’t rotted away just yet. Removing a piece of wood and some vines that had coiled on top of the chest, I brush off the front and start to carefully lift the lid. It opens easier than expected.

Inside, I find food. Or what used to be food. Pungent, rotten, barely even recognizable but still distinctly food.

Greeeaaat. I crawled through a tetanus factory for someone’s year old oranges. Or apples. Or some kind of fantasy durian for all I fucking know. It smells enough like ass anyway.

Where’s my ‘Icey Dragon Slayer Greatsword +5’ or my generic ‘supplies pack’ or even a damn worn leather water skin?

With an exhaustive sigh, I go to stand to make my way back outside but trip over a vine instead.

“Hiyah!” I yell out as I fall backwards and catch myself on my hands. I feel an immediate sharp pain in my left wrist.

Looking down, I see that I had somehow gotten one of the vines wrapped around my ankle. I start pulling on the vine to unwind it but it stubbornly refuses to move.

While I’m working on it, I notice that it seems to get tighter and I catch sight of something that makes me break out in a cold sweat.

The vines are moving.

Slowly. But they are definitely moving towards me.

I redouble my efforts. Pulling as hard as I can with both hands. It gives a little bit but not enough to slip my foot out.

“Sa. Seyaaah!”

Fuck. You!

I feel a different vine touch my leg and immediately jump. Kicking it off of me. I stand up and try to hobble away but the vine around my ankle becomes taut sooner than expected.

The sudden stop causes me to fall again. I try to crawl away as I kick at the vines frantically but the one around my ankle won’t let go.

Without realizing it, another has already encircled my wrist. It’s thinner but just as reluctant to release me. Pulling at it with both hands and trying to bite it only gave the slow vines more time to gather at my location.

Thrashing around, cursing, screaming for help. They all did nothing. Soon, all four limbs had been captured and I'm locked in an awkward position. One arm over my head, one trapped against my side, and my legs contorted beneath me with a particularly thick vine wrapped around my waist. There is a strong, steady pressure applied to each limb but it at least isn't pulling hard enough to cause any real pain.

This has got to be the dumbest fucking way to die. At least I don’t have to worry about that week's time limit bullshit anymore. Am I just going to die from dehydration now? Is some plant-spider monster going to come suck out my insides?

I feel a particularly thin vine start to slide around my neck, pulling tighter and tighter no matter how much I squirm.

That’ll do it.

As my vision fades to black, I have one final thought that causes me to try to snort in laughter but something more like a wet gagging sound comes out instead.

I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

You Have Died