Lucy Standish snorted. It was dim in the little hallway, backstage at the comedy club where she and four men stood waiting. She turned and squinted at the man who had just spoken to her. He was clearly at least 10 years younger than she was in her mid-thirties. She just stared him down a moment. Lucy was tall and slender with long, black hair pulled into a tight ponytail. She wore a t-shirt and jeans and no make-up. Even so, her strong features and luminous skin radiated elegance and strength.  

            "What?" She shook her head and leaned in. "What did you just say to me?"

            The other men murmured a warning. One just said, "Dude."

            "Uh, you know..." he cleared his voice. Lucy waited him out. "It's true." He tried to stand a little taller. "Women aren't that funny. Really. I mean, everyone knows it." He swallowed hard. 

            "Shut up already," said one of the men. 

            "No offense," he continued. "It's a guy's thing is all, you know?" Lucy started to smile. She was getting a wild and wicked idea. "I'm sure you're great. I mean...you're beautiful for sure."

            At that moment, there was the sound of applause from just around the corner and the Emcee took the microphone to introduce the next comedian.

            "Next up on our 'Pass the Hat' amateur night is a real treat. She's a local favorite around town - and no amateur! Everyone, give it up for "LUUUUUUU Standish!" The crowd clapped and cheered and people began to chant "Luuuuuuu!" in a deep voice

            Backstage, the young man gasped, "You're Lu Standish? Oh God, I'm really, really sorry."

            "Oh, I know," said Lucy. She patted him on the arm. "I know you are...what's your name?" asked Lucy.

            "Jake Allens."

            "Jake?" Lucy chuckled, "Jake, that's great. Perfect." 

            Lucy lifted the mic off the stand, grinning. "Hey, hey, hey San Dieeeeeego!!!" Everyone cheered. "Looking beautiful tonight!" She stepped up to the edge of the stage. She liked getting as close to her audience as possible. She often asked for the house lights, so she could see everyone. Sometimes, she'd say, "You know why I stand right on the edge of the stage? It's because I'm edgy!" She loved saying that. 

            The crowd quieted. 

            "You're not going to believe this," began Lucy. "But I've already been heckled tonight.  That's right, I was just heckled backstage, by one of the other comedians.  Can you believe that? Wow, tough green room! Normally, we comedians have each other's back. Guess not tonight. What do you do when you get heckled? That's right, you have to heckle them right back!" People laughed and a few yelled, "Luuuuu!" 

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            "This guy back there, Jake, Jake the flake - I think he was trying to flirt me. I think he wanted to...you know." She pointed with both forefingers toward her crotch. She usually didn't do sexual humor, but it just seemed the right thing to do and she went for it.

            "First, he offered me his flask. Ewww, like I'm putting my mouth on that. Not great Jake! " Everyone laughed. "Then he tried to get me to take a hit off his weed." Lucy gasped and covered her mouth in mock surprise. "Did I just say there was weed backstage?" Big laugh. "When those two moves didn't work, Jake the snake reached way back into his arsenal of great lines he uses to separate a girl from her," she paused, "intelligence" That got a cheer.  "And says," Lucy dropped her voice into what she calls the Neanderthal range. " 'You know, men are just funnier than women. Cuz, women aren't funny,' Dude, you said that to the wrong woman. Big mistake Jake!" More cheering and chanting broke out. "Luuuuu" getting louder as more joined in.  

            Lucy let the moment wash over her. Her chest swelled. She grinned and laughed.

            "Now, we're good people, right?" Lucy continued as the last chants faded. "How many of you are good people?" She raised her hand and few from the crowd did as well.  "Nah, put your hands down. You're not that good. Or you wouldn't be here. You'd be at home watching a nice comedy. You're not here for nice. You're here for a little mean funny, right?" Laughter, a few cheers, and "Yeah!" from a couple of loud voices. 

            "We all know revenge is wrong. If you seek revenge, dig two graves. But not in comedy. Uh uh, baby. It's an art form here. Revenge comedy should be in the Louvre." She looked off-stage. "Hey, Jake? The Louvre, that's a big fancy museum. You've probably never heard of it." That got a decent laugh. She turned back to the audience.

            "Remember back in third grade? If a boy liked a girl, he'd punch her in the arm and run away. I think that was what little Jakey was doing. He was like," Lucy pitchy her voice hight and nasally. “‘Hey, little lady, I'm big and tough. Be impressed with my manly strength and virility!' Well, your manly virility's not as strong and - big - as you think it is. In fact, you can put it back away," she waved her hand like brushing away crumbs, "from wherever it popped its little head out from." The crowd erupted in laughter.

            Lucy looked off-stage again. "Hey is jacked-up Jake still back there or has he run away? Still back there?" She turned back to the audience. "Clearly my work isn't done here yet."  Another big laugh. Lucy was ecstatic. She was just making up stuff right on stage and it was all landing! 

            "Jake….the fake, will be coming out in a bit and I want you to give him a big, big welcome." More laughter. "But he might be using another name. So, here's what he looks like. Jakey-poo is a baby, 15 or maybe 16. Still has pimples." She looked off-stage, "Those were pimples, right Jakey-poo? And didn't you tell me your mom still cuts your hair?" This felt so good! Almost as good as her regular rant. "Please, do not make fun of his hair when he comes out. And another thing, I looked to see, you know... how big his - shoes were. But it was kinda dark and I couldn't see his shoes - at all!” Huge laugh. 

            "When I go backstage, he's probably going to ask me out. Of course, I have to say yes, The guy's a gold mine." Big laugh. "I'll probably even...spend the night."    

            "No Lu!" someone shouted.

            "Then I'll come back here and share every teeny tiny detail!" Huge laugh and applause and lots of "Luuuuuu". 

            "I've been pretty hard on poor little half-baked Jake. Even though, clearly, he was begging for it. If I win the Pass the Hat money, tonight, maybe I should give it to Jake? He could get a decent haircut. What do you think?"

            "No!" the audience shouted with a few more "Luuuuuu's" thrown in. 

            Lucy was riding the crest of the happiness wave and knew it. With her free hand, she swept it across the audience. "And this is why I love you, you've got my back. Unlike poor Jake, who's never going to have my back - or my front!" More cheering and laughing. Wrap it up Lucy, leave them laughing. 

            She bowed deeply; her arms flung wide. "That's it for me. Next time I'll be back with my regular mean funny. As always, my friends, love one another."