The man that should be dead, laid unconscious on a meanow in the middle of a forest. Suddenly he felt fingers wandering over his eyelid’s to trace the outlines of the two balls beneath his skin. With the pressure on his eyes mounting up, as if someone or something was trying to pop his eyes out of their sockets, he couldn’t help but wake up. Staring through a cage of long, brown fingers over his field of vision, his first instinct was to scream.

A person, or rather something that resembled a person, kneeled beside him. It had smooth brown skin that looked more like rubber than actual flesh. It’s limbs were long hoses that squeezed out of a way to tight green shirt with the word “human” labeled on it. The thing was missing a chin; it’s head growing out between it’s shoulders like an oversized thumb. Not a single hair grew on this abomination of a body, the closed cuts that might be the things eyes were closed in a permanent flinch.

Its mouth, or what could be described as such, consisted of a lipless aperture, contorted upward to reveal a glimpse of yellowed teeth and exposed gums, the lower lip tucked unnaturally behind them.

“Oh,” the thing said as it realised he was alive. “That’s awkward.”

Before he could think about the situation at all, instincts took over, shooting his left first towards the things “face”. Before the punch could hit it however, the abomination stood up and took a step back, its hands raised in front of its body in an apologetic manner.

“Relax, relax my good fellow. No reason to get uncivilised.”

The surprise made his jaw drop. Every single detail about that creature seemed wrong. Its body looked way too smooth to be solit, its shirt was way too tight to fit, and its movement looked like it was straight out of a stop motion film that had its speed doubled. Attempting to stand up he discovered that his knees were weak and wobbly, holding him down in a crouching position.

“What did you do to me?” he asked, provoking an offended grunt from the creature, that now pressed its palms against its shirt.

“Me? Nothing! Baseless accusations! You can’t scold me for looting a corpse.” It courved the edges of its mouth upwards in what he could only assume was meant as an apologetic smile. He glared at it. The things manner of speaking was fast and abrupt, like that of a hyperactive teenager.

“I’m not dead,” the man growled. Confusion and anger were his prominent emotions so he decided to convey the latter.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally my bad for assuming. But I checked all your vital signs! Your eyes were closed; you didn’t tell me to shut up when I talked to you or ran when I approached.” As the thing talked, it raised one of its hands, bending one finger after the other as if counting something off. For a moment, he was moved to laugh. The situation was simply too weird. “Those aren’t vital signs. Heartbeat is one. Or breath.” A groan escaped the creature's mouth, and its head rotated in a circular motion, as if internally rolling its eyes in exasperation. Its arms spread away from the body in an I-don’t-know-gesture.

“You guys always think of more stuff. No wonder everything kills you, so we don’t have to listen to your nagging all the time.”

“What the hell are you talking about? And what even are you?” As he asked the questions, he looked around. Apparently, he was in some kind of forest. Yellow gras brushed against his tights in a rhythmic motion, drenching his pants with what he hoped to be morning dew. The only light he could see was coming from a glowing cuboid that was lying to his left, as well as a bunch of shimmering white dots that were flying around them. Everything further away than 10 feet was covered by darkness. The creature in front of him drew a sharp breath before answering.

“That’s highly offensive! Can’t you read?” A finger of it’s left hand tipped erratically on the label of the shirt; it’s tip vanishing into the rest of the finger like it were retreatable. “Almost makes me not want your eyes anymore,” the thing said with a misplaced amount of pount in its voice. For a moment it turned its head away from him, crossing its arms in front of its chest. Neither of them said anything for a moment, the man just staring at the other humanoids back. As he drew a sharp breath to end this childishness by giving the thing a piece of his mind, it turned back around with a big smile plastered over its face. ” I AM JOKING OF COURSE.”

He had trouble keeping up with the rushed way this thing was speaking. His head felt like it was filled with cotton. Every piece of new information needed to fight its way through mountains of confusion before it could be processed. Faster than he could react, the thing took a step towards him, now leaning over his kneeling form again. One of its hand-like appendages was pressed to its own mouth, shoving its skin upwards to create a fold. “Yes, yes, nice green eyes. I do want them!”

A shiver ran down his spine. Finally the situation had fully sunk into the man. He was alone and had no idea where. There was no one he could call for help so if push came to shove he would have to handle the thing himself. All of a sudden the creature in front of him didn’t seem weird or exaggerated anymore. Now it was kind of threatening. Like a hand-sized flying insect that rushes straight at you.

“W-what?” The man stuttered, provoking a groan of the thing leaning over him.

“What - what - what,” it mimicked him in a mocking tone. “Is that your favorite word? Come on, gimme some of them eyes.” One of its hands grabbed at his shoulder but he slapped it away. The moment his hand met the thing's arm, his heart skipped a beat. There were no bones inside it, making it feel like a balloon filled with some sort of jelly. The slapped appendage hung dangling from the things shoulder.

“That was rude,” the thing commented. It’s dry tone was a mix of spoiled child and disappointed parent. Leaning further down it brought its face within mere inches of his own. The yellow teeth were digging into the flesh of its own lips. A normal human would be bleeding by now. Its voice grew deeper with every word, with the last one being barely audible anymore. “Come one, you have such nice, googly eyes. I just gotta have 'em.”

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Anger surfaced inside the man, burning away the mild discomfort he had felt upon looking at the creature. Attack was the best defense, he thought and with a sudden motion, he stood up, his knees finally regaining their strength again. “Listen,” he growled, shoving his index finger way deeper into the things chest then he would have liked to “I don’t know what kind of clown you are; I don’t know where the hell I am or anything, but I know for a damn fact that if you don’t back off, I will shove that shirt up your ass until it brushes your buck teeth from the inside!”

For a moment, the two of them breathed into each other's faces. He hoped that that thing had an appropriate hole so he could make his threat a reality if it came down to it. Fortunately, he wouldn’t have to, as after half a minute, the thing retreated, jerking its arms back and wrapping them around its body from behind. Its voice was high and peachy, like a man trying to speak like a young girl.

“Ok, ok, ok, easy, man, chill. I was just -ehm äh- joking—yeah, a harmless joke between humans. I would NEVER dream of taking someone elses belongings without their consent. No, sir, I am one of the good ones.”

One of its fingers shot up, dangling in front of its face. “So what would you trade for them?”

The thing was persistent, he had to give it that. “Nothing.” He exclaimed with emphisis.

“Come oooooonnnneee. You got two of 'em. That’s just being greedy. Help a fellow human out.”

The thing pointed at the glowing cupid to his feet. “How about that. Considering that you have a guide and claim to not know anything, you must be a new foreigner. Lucky me! How about you trade me one of your googly treasures for some information? I am quuiiiiieeeet knowledgeable.” The creature swung its arms about in a manner akin to unfurling a roll of toilet paper, assuming a thinking pose with one hand tucked beneath where a human chin would be, while the other rested at the back of its head.

“You aren’t getting my eyes or anything from me for that matter.” The man said with anger in his voice. What was wrong with this creature in front of him? It was swapping between tones and manners of speaking like it was auditioning for an acting group, while actively trying to mock the profession by butchering the craft. Its behavirous resembled that of a child that had never played with someone else before.

But even his conclusive answer didn’t seem to faze the thing in the slightest. It clutched its hands together like that one merchant at every market who wanted to sell the ‘potion of eternal youth’ or a ‘love potion’ or other such nonsense.

“My friend,” it started, its voice a clear attempt to mimic such frauds, “if you think about it, trading your eyes is beneficial for you as well. If what you said earlier is true, and of course, I would never doubt that it is, then you possess no knowledge about this place, so your long term survival is very, very, veeeeerrrrryyyy unlikely.” The thing seemed to enjoy stretching its words to the absolute extreme. “Wouldn’t it be a shame to have your fresh eyes rot inside your deceased corpse or be digested along with the rest of you inside some beast’s stomach? Or worse, a Sporeking might get you. Then those beautiful green eyes will never catch a break. Or you land on his chopping block or the piper gets you. Or…” The creature's behavior resembled that of a slick businessman. After it described a dozen different ways he could meet his demise here, seemingly unwilling to stop or slow down, the man interrupted it with his plain and simple answer. “No.”

The thing’s teeth jerked up and down, gnawing at its own lips like it wanted to punish them..

“Ah, I know how it is. Silly me. Of course, you don’t trust a beautiful fellow such as myself to also be blessed with the smarts and knowledge. However, I am. Let me prove it to you. I will answer one question for free.”

The man pondered the thing’s words for a moment before answering. If he asked a question and still refused to trade his eyes afterward, the thing might get seriously mad, but, judging from its earlier reaction he was fairly sure he could take it if it came to a fistfight. The thing might be a head taller than him, but its insides looked like they were made out of jelly, and behaved more like a playground bully than a real threat. On the other hand, he didn’t even know where in the hell he was, so asking a question wouldn’t hurt.

“Where am I?” he repeated his earlier question, causing the edges of the thing’s mouth to curve upwards.

“Good question, my fellow human. Such a good question that the price to have it answered should be one nice, green eye, but because I am such a nice human, I will answer it for free.”

The thing began to tap with the fingers of its upper left limb against its buck teeth, like it was playing a piano. “This place has many names for many different people. Those born here call it home, of course. Others consider it the Between, the Beyond, the Lost Realm, or the Netherworld. Considering your manner of speaking, I think you would refer to it as Hell.”

Hell. The man rummaged through his brain. He remembered using the word, but not what it meant.

As the creature saw the confusion in the man's eyes it smirked, took a few steps backwards and waved him to follow, its body molding into the darkness. Hesitantly the man did. To his surprise, the glowing cube that had been lying on the ground to his left and providing light, rose up and and followed him, floating a few inches above the ground. This way he had his own bauble of light following him.

After a few steps the creature appeared again. It stood near what looked like the edge of a cliff. The man slowly approached it, looking down. The light of the cubic wasn’t enough to reach all the way down. The thing pointed one of its long, wiggly fingers downwards into the abyss to their feet.

“As you can see with your nice gawkers, it goes down very deep. We are currently standing atop a floating plattform. Be carefull not to fall, trust me you don't want to find out what's going to kill you down there."

The man stared down into the eerie darkness. Are we standing atop a cliff, he wondered. But if that was the case, he would be feeling some kind of draft by now. He smacked his lips before whisteling throught his teeth, the sound loosing itself in the seemingly endless nothingness under them. The creature tiptoed a few steps backwards, spun around its body and struck a pose. "If you want to know whats down, I am here to answer all your questions." The creature folded the two fleshy noodles it used for arms in front of his face in what could be a prayer. "After all its aks and you shall recieve." It snickered. "So next question, please and keep in mind this one comes with a price.”

The man took a step back from the edge and turned around to face the thing. It was only now that he realised how stupid it was to turn his back to the creature. “No thanks. I’m good,” he said, diplomatic, yet stern.

The thing looked at him. “Are you sure?”

He had not fully finished the first motion of the nod when he felt the creatures foot slam against his chest, causing him to stumble backwards. A sinister chuckle followed him into oblivion. 'THEN HAVE FUN DYING!'