PRESENT

August 2019

          "I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to earn my own money but a part of me also doesn't want to leave her alone in the house." Well, not really alone because my brother lives with her, but he goes to school everyday so mom's alone most of the time.

I heave a sigh and turn to look at my friend. "I want a lot of things, Sophie. But I don't have the courage to do anything. It always feels like I'm stuck. Depression is starting to slither its way to my senses and I can't do anything."

Sophie grabs my arm and looks me in the eyes, my own frustration reflected there. "I really want to help you... I really do, Ally. But I'm also going through financial problems right now. We've been going through the same problems for years now, and I honestly can't say when I'll be able to lend you a hand."

I pull my hand away, but she holds it firmly in hers. "Sophie, no. You don't understand- I'm not asking you for money. I'm not asking you for help." In my frustration, I don't realize that I'm glaring until I see my face reflected at the glass when I turn to look out the window. "I just wish I had remembered to save money when I had that job at CVG last year." And remembered to keep a promise I made to myself all those years ago.

"Let's not talk about the past anymore. I know how much it upsets you. How much he upsets you." I turn to look back at her. She massages her brows, a habit of hers that started since we were teens- a sign that our talk is starting to get to her. "What about home jobs? Have you tried applying?"

"I have. You know how persistent I am when I've decided on something." I have applied for online home-based jobs with no luck. I haven't received any response from the clients. "And now that reminds me why I feel so stuck. I only have a phone- no laptop, no wireless connection. It's really hard to look for legit jobs that only requires a phone. I want to buy one but I just don't have the money."

"What about your online shop? Is it not doing well?"

"It's doing great but not as great as I expected. Not to be ungrateful or anything, but it barely covers our expenses." I shake my head. "I do most of the work but mom only gives me 5%... no. Maybe 1% of the total earnings? And I can't even complain much because aside from buying mobile data packages every week, I don't really have any expenses."

"1% is too..." Sophie's eyes start to grow bigger. She's finally getting the cause of my frustration. "Have you spoken to her about it?"

"I have! God, have I spoken to her about it... Most of our talks always start easy and end up in arguments." I lie on the bed and look at the ceiling.

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I hate crying in front of other people, even in front of my friends. I've never really felt comfortable crying in front of someone. I guess I'm too conscious of what they'll think and how they'll react. I don't want people to think that I use my tears to gain sympathy.

It's already the third day of my extended stay here in Maria's house. Maria and Sophie are two of my closest friends. We've been "sisters" for longer than ten years. Maria has two daughters and her eldest, a godchild of mine, just had her 7th birthday. That's the reason for my staying in their house. I was supposed to stay for only two days, but the kids requested for another day with me as they haven't seen me for a long time. I missed them and also found that I'm not looking forward to going back home either, so I decided to prolong my stay to 5 days.

"Why can't she just let you do what you want?" Sophie's voice was hesitant, unsure. "I know Auntie just wants the best for you, but what about your happiness? Until when does she get to decide for you?"

Right.

The same questions I ask myself everyday. The same questions I throw in her face when I lose control of my temper.

"I know right? I'm already 24." My throat hurts and my eyes burn. I can't keep crying about this. "I love her... so much. But the more she tries to make me stay by her side, the more I want to fly away." If only I can sprout wings and truly fly. God knows how much I've wanted to fly. Away from home. Away from everyone else.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, sis." She leans down and take a peek at my eyes. "No matter how traditional she is, there should still be a limit. You're already an adult- you have the right to make your own decisions."

The tears I tried hard to hold back finally start to fall from my eyes but I feel powerless to stop them. Suddenly, I feel weak. Drained. I look at her and ask with a hoarse voice, "How do I make her see me as an adult when I'm homeless, jobless?" I clear my throat. "How is she going to believe that I'm truly determined to start a career in another country when I already had the chance and I just let it pass?"

"That was last year."

"Tell that to my mom," I snapped. I immediately feel sorry but I don't apologize.

Sophie sighs. "Ally... I don't know what to say..."

"She's fine with me applying for a job in the city, but she knows that almost all jobs in this province are low-paying ones!" I sit back up and grab a pillow to hug for comfort. "I don't want to apply for any jobs there, when in Manila there are similar jobs that are probably easier and pay a lot better." Huff. "And she tells me I'm being choosy-who wouldn't be? My target is to save money so I can apply for a job abroad. How can I save money when what I earn is just enough for everyday expenses like food and travel?"

"I understand now how frustrating it must have been for you..." she trails off.

"I hear a but. Just tell me, Sophie..." I motion for her to go on. "This is all too much... I need someone to hear me out and give me some advice."

"Okay, I'll be honest with you..." Sophie blows a breath and bites her lip. "If I'm in your situation, I would feel the same. Maybe more. I think I would've ran away." She sees the change in my face and waves a hand. "Oh. No... I'm not telling you to run away. You've done that already and it didn't help- I'm just saying."

"I can see why you're feeling suffocated." She continues. "I know your mom. I know how sweet and caring she is. But she's also controlling and clingy. You should fix that. She should be more open to the idea of you being away now, having experienced it for two years, and again, you're already an adult! Most people our age are already getting married and starting their own families. I know right now it's hard because you don't have a stable source of income yet." She reaches out and holds my hand. "Just wait and pray. And when you're earning a little more than today, start saving money. Just wait, Ally. When has God truly forsaken you?"

He never did.

Not when I ran away from home. Not even when I ignored the signs He showed me, the signs I have specifically asked for, because I was too proud.

Not even when I tried to take my own life.