CHAPTER 1

The Brain Bucket

Once upon a time, in a land of verdant fields and stone castles, an evil queen and a lovely maiden… You know what? Never mind the introduction, let’s just skip to the action!

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the palest woman of them all?” asked a woman with a slender face and high cheekbones. She was fair-skinned, with black hair, a dark dress, and a silver crown.

“Why, Your Majesty,” answered the mirror’s ghostly face in a spooky voice, “That would have to be the fair maiden… Lily White!”

“Lily White?” asked the Queen, sneering. “Who is this? Show me now, I command you!”

Green smoke swirled in the mirror, then vanished as a picturesque village came into view. The image zoomed in to the village market, with a bustling crowd moving about amidst the red glowing lanterns of the shops. In the crowd, with skin that was so white it was almost like snow (you get it?), a plain-looking girl with a rather stupid grin on her face pranced from shop to shop, peering in as though looking for something in a particular.

“That is the whitest girl I’ve ever seen…” said the Queen, trailing off. “That little fetcher! I find this most disturbing. Doesn’t she know that the palest girl or woman in the land is made the Queen? How dare she?!” She picked up the magic mirror from off its stand.

“What are you doing?” asked the magic mirror, its voice trembling.

“This!” said the Queen and smashed the mirror to the floor. Glass shards flew all around the room.

“Hunkules!*” called the Queen. “Hunkules!”

*(Hunkules was named Hercules by his parents after the great ancient warrior, but he changed his name when he realized that he was much buffer than Hercules.)

“What’s up?” asked a blonde man with rippling biceps, huge pecs, and thighs like tree trunks as he swaggered through the throne room’s high doors. He wore a short purple tunic with a deep V-neck that showcased his awesome chest. He had a sword in a scabbard strapped around his waist, which was mostly ceremonial, though it had its occasional uses.

“Hunkules, my slave, I need you to do your Queendom a solid. Go and find this girl, Lily White” she said the name with revulsion, “And bring me back her head… in a BASKET!”

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“Okay,” began Hunkules, his eyes narrowing and a smirk on his face, “When you say ‘basket’, what are we talking about here? Like something wicker, or maybe like a wooden bucket?”

“No, I don’t mean a bucket,” said the queen, rolling her eyes in irritation. “If I wanted a bucket I would have said a bucket. Forget the bucket, just bring me her head!”

Hunkules smiled as he saw how well he was getting the Queen worked up. “Well,” he said with mock gentleness, “without a bucket how am I supposed to bring her head back without getting all messy? Blood might get on your priceless fur rugs.”

“Stop,” interjected the Queen.

“Brains could swing out onto your royal tapestries. And also, would I have to clean the rugs and tapestries? I’d rather avoid that mess.”

“Listen to me,” said the Queen, but Hunkules was on a roll.

“Do you want me to remove the head from the body? Because that could get kind of gross,” said Hunkules, scrunching his nose.

“Well--”

“Does it have to be her head, or can it be anyone’s head? Can it be another girl’s head? Can it be your head?”

“No, it can’t be my head,” said the Queen, flabbergasted. Several of the palace guards laughed at this point.

“Who’s this Lily White anyway, and what’s so great about her head? Is it magic? Will it regrow a body?”

Hunkules finally paused for a moment and the Queen happily took the opportunity to get a word in edgewise. “What’s so great, Hunkules, is that my magic mirror,” she motioned to the broken glass strewn across the floor, “Said that Lily White is paler than I am! And you know just as well as I do that the palest woman of all gets to be QUEEN of all the Queendom.”

“Yeah, I get it, you need her head to make a skin-whitening potion,” said Hunkules with a nod and a knowing smile.

“No, you idiot! I need her head so she’ll be dead!”

“Well if I’m going to search the whole Queendom for this girl then I need to know exactly what she looks like…” Hunkules shook his head slowly. “Well, I guess it’s too bad you broke your magic mirror.”

“Not to fear, I have more magic mirrors where that one came from.” The Queen strode dramatically to a cabinet, unlocked it, and swung the door wide open. It was full of thin cardboard packages. The Queen pulled one from the top of the stack, sliced open the tape on the top with her thumbnail, and slid out a sleek and shiny magic mirror that perfectly matched the broken glass on the floor.

The Queen sat down in a gaudy cushioned chair with the mirror on her lap and took out a pair of reading glasses. It took her a few minutes to enter in a new password and set up the Wi-Fi connection, but as soon as she could she showed Hunkules an image of Lily White, who was now speaking to a slick-looking man wearing a velvet cape.

Hunkules looked revolted at the girl’s sickly white appearance. “That girl looks like she’s sick, her skin is so white.”

The Queen scowled, looking at her own pale hand.

“So, let me get this straight…” said Hunkules, “You want me to find some girl named Lily White, kill her, and bring back her head in a bucket so that you can stay the queen forever, right?”

“Actually, I said basket.” Hunkules opened his mouth to speak but the Queen beat him to it. “No, never mind! Use a bucket, whatever! Now be gone. Make haste!”

As Hunkules slowly meandered out of the room the Queen lowered the lighting and held a lamp in her hands so that she could look scary, then said, slowly and evilly, “Lily White, soon you will die, and I will... still be Queen!”