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Just a few days ago I would have never existed. The person known as me; I feel has existed only very recently far later than my ‘birth’. Be it the ‘me’ that exists now and the ‘me’ from then have always been the same; and I believe this wholeheartedly. But make no mistake, I share not a resemblance with this ‘me’ from then. I am certain of the idea of the id, as only then from it could I develop a certain fascination of mine. I believe that there is a gap of myself just before this current incarnation of me. I do not mean that I am certain how long this gap was. I cannot remember anything within that void. It was a rather hazy timeframe to begin with but I know it is true that such a gap does exist. I had no period as a child; I remember not a single thing about becoming an adult or when and how I would die. What is for certain is that I am within the skin and flesh of someone that is ‘me’. It is baffling to hear that I've been in the do’s and whatnot and I am expected to continue as is, as the person whom I am sure with certainty that is not me. I may have every single memory this person could have but I am not him. Because a gap clearly distinct my personage. However hazy that line is, it is there.
It also meant that my character is always incomplete; My person as a whole i estimate to be missing 50-90% of ‘me’. If I were to piece them back then I suppose I may find comfort in this unease; For I know not myself but as I am now. Though as I had dismissed it, the matter still implicates what I am now as I find myself vexed of how I should be and not what I am to be.
“But what am I? If not a human.” I rest the matter for now at that statement. If i was not human then i am quite the fool of an impersonator. Even phantoms and doppelgangers must know their target intimately. And for the matter of who I needed to be; I've decided that such an answer exists only in the realms of philosophy, In essence that it is inessential. To begin with, I believe myself to be not the type to stick out like a sore thumb but as someone who’d shout over and laugh in groupings as it compels me. To the point that I'd reply to a greeting with whatever word was said by the unfortunate party who in their ever-gracious life dared to extend their politeness to me.
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I’ll think of “What has gone so wrong?” to make ‘me’ turn out like this. My memory was too hazy to answer that question. With nothing else to go off of I am for certain and I know damn well and I declare to all that certainly I am not Deai Tamamono. I know it is an empty statement masked as profound; that everyone is a different person from their past. That it is all the things that lead up to the now that make you. But that is not the case at all and to the person to utter such sophistry as some sort of profound message. Be damned you.
It is exactly what you’d expect, a message anyone can conclude to and all the searching for the self would lead to it but that is but a reductive declarement. Whatever I am now is as free as I am in every moment that has passed, I was free and all there forward from the present is what I make of it. If I were to enter a line of thought shared by many others before; I may have the possibility on finding the same conclusion but it is not certain for it to happen and my fate as defined will never cross the same line.
I’ll be the master of my own life. The id compels me no longer and I shall drive myself for everything with all intents. That way I am no longer empty. If I am sad then I will cry, if I am happy then a smile will curve my face, if in particular I feel not a thing then I will wear it on my face. There will be no such moments where I am lost in the emotion with my thoughts swept away by it.
I will not have any friends to be invincible. There will be no wishes for me to act out of line from what I am. This way I will stay true. If i could make someone happy that would be great but of course i see not all others as anyone deserving to be happy. I’d love to be happy and be left alone and I'd love for others to be happy, thought not in my burden. For the man that is me is not a creature of giving or a gift.