Here I am, at the train station, total confusion, apparently a woman fell in the tracks. Just like life, nostalgic even...

    I remember... some moments of my life, like it was yesterday. Not really important moments, just... random moments, some happy ones, sad ones, cringe ones and other completely random times. My life was a normal one, I think, to the point of boredom, possibly depression, granted I never had negative thoughts, or suicidal ones at that, hell, maybe not having thoughts was my block. I wanted to join the army, the special forces, even the police forces, but failed at each and every other, because my grades weren't enough. I felt frustrated, even a bit sad, angry at myself too.

    All these emotions welled up on me, I became a shut in, tried to entertain myself to remove my mind off of things. It worked to an extent, I could still socialize, took care of my needs and appearence, to a necessary level at least, but I lost something else. Time. I lost time. People ask me how I easily quit things I dislike, well I'm afraid. Afraid of losing 3 years opposed to half a year. Some call this a weakness, others a strength, well I call it a "lesson learnt". Don't hope things will get magically better, sometimes we try to fight harder, but for some reason it doesn't work, and what society tells us is that we need to try harder, we're not going at it full strength, but as a matter of fact, sometimes you are, and it just doesn't work, we mistake perseverance with sturbbornness. We assure ourselves, using other's words as reason, that this block is a mere wall to climb, or a tall step to take, a jump to make, when in reality we're just veering off into the distance following a mirage, a vision we want to see, that others create. Sometimes it's ok... to give up. Learning to let go is harder to keep holding, because letting go requires you to lose all that time, setting every moment as a memory and not a path to success as you imagined it. Then comes letting go of the memories, to look forward instead of franticly looking back, hoping some of it... could come true... so you didn't have to make another path and abandon all of that hard work.

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    But maybe you don't think it was hard work, maybe you were labelled as useless and you accepted it. Now, you can't do anything because the very first thought that comes into your mind is "I'm going to fail." and when something does go right: "Wow, I was lucky there.". The only way around this is literally forgetting the past. Again, losing time. Losing all that precious time we had to make something right. We can't change it, we don't need to stare at it, and yet, there you are... Trying to reach it with your hand while being pushed forward by time, this invisible wall we so dread.

    "Ah, it doesn't even hurt anymore, it's like it doesn't matter if I get my time back, as long as I can stare at my past, willingly letting my present disappear and my future flow away."

    Sometimes I wish I could have one moment strangle me until I needed to fight back, a life-threatening situation bare in my face, to make my body urge to act, even if I were to die I could at least die with some matter of self-respect. Not killing myself, no, just... A test to prove myself one last time.

    Oh! I know! Right now! YES! She needs me! That elderly woman needs me... She's afraid, afraid of not being able to make lunch or dinner for her grandkids anymore. Afraid of not being there to help her daughter in times of need. I must help her, it's a chance I can take, so I will!

    Come on old lady, grab my hand! Please! Yes! Let me pu-

    Wait... What?

    Why?

    This is so unfair...

    Well, I did want to give my life for a chance, and her answer was rather simple. Let's switch places uh? Ugh... I can't even be bothered anymore. What a dark turn... Just like life indeed. Always taking unexpected and horrible turns.

    Is it my fault?