9 Years. Forest. The way home.

I wake up. I feel warm, even hot. I open my eyes to be greeted by a blue sky, although barely visible through the top of the high trees surrounding me. Birds are singing, and sun rays fall through the naked branches right into my eyes. Snow has fallen everywhere, covering the trees, the ground, the bushes, and turning everything into a brilliant white hurting my eyes.

I look down upon myself. I am wearing what I always wear, my beige robe. It seems a bit more ripped than usual. It is also soaked in water. The spot where I slept is free of snow. Rather than snow, puddles of water fill it. I grab a handful of snow right next to me. It does feel a bit cold, but not like you would normally expect. It melts quickly, and its drips add to the puddles already on the ground.

My body temperature seems unusually high, as if I have fever. Also, I feel unusually elevated. That has to be the reason why all snow in my vicinity melted away. And why I did not freeze to death over night. I lower the output of my self-warming to a bearable level. It had been activated even though I went to sleep? But why was it active on such a high level? A bit more, and I may had have damaged myself.

I feel like I am forgetting something important, about something that happened. What is it? Why am I in the forest?

“Brian.” A cold voice penetrates my brain, bringing all the memories back.

I wander a few steps in a daze, and sit down. Right. Yesterday, unspeakable things happened, and actions were taken that I regret now. I ran away from responsibility, when Brian needed me the most... But do I even have the right to get close to him now? It is my fault that he hurt himself... Had I talked with him properly before, I could have kept him from harm.

“Are you even his friend? Running away, just because a small problem emerges?” Again, a cold voice resonates through my head.

Shut up, I think. Just shut up.

“No.” The voice takes a gloating sub-tone.

Great. What is this, even? It appeared yesterday. I can remember only vaguely what happened after I got hit in the face. I inspect it in a puddle beneath me: a bruise covers my left cheek, in form of a purple spot, speckled with hints of red. I stroke it, and it hurts. I do not remember it hurting that much yesterday.

Why is there a voice in my head? I have enough problems as it is, therefo- “Because you will not take responsibility otherwise.” Great. Just great. What I needed now was exactly another voice to tell me how miserable I am.

“Yes, that is why I am here. Else, you would not have understood the whole extent of your patheticness.”

Oh shut up. Shut up.

“Hehe. No.” I really can not stand it, the gloating that fills this voice. It deeply enervates me. I form a fist, and smack it against the side of my head. “That will not solve the problem, you know.”

I blankly stare into the sky for a few minutes. The sun has risen high, it is most likely almost noon. I have to get back, right. At afternoon, our training will begin. I will go there, and everything will be normal, right. Brian will sit there, his right arm lightly bandaged, but smiling. Ione will apologize for screaming at me, saying that she overreacted. The mayor will stand behind them, laughing about his foolishness, apologize for hitting me, and actually teaching us a thing or two about magic. I need to get back.

“Stop dreaming.”

A tear rolls down my face. Of course that will not happen. I have seen the injury. It would be a wonder if Brian's hand is anything but bone meal now. His arm is broken as well. He looked like he were in agony... I get the great urge to follow his example and uproot a tree with a single punch. It would not change anything, but at least he would not be alone in his suffering...

“Go ahead. There are plenty of trees here, free for you to hit. Repent!” Almost beaming with anticipation these words get spit into my thoughts. I shudder. I was right, it would not change anything. Brian is not going to feel any better when I suffer, I think. I need to go back. Apologise...

But where? I am deep in the forest. I do not know how long I ran until I collapsed, but it must have been a few hours at least. This great stamina must have come with self-manipulation. I managed to use it even though my thoughts were stirred up, and do so while also maintaining a second spell. This is a considerable feat, no denying that. Dangerous as well, considering how it went the first time.

Yet, I got no choice as to use it again to find the way back. I never was as deep into the forest as I now am. To add to that, I can not seem to remember which direction I came from. Carefully, I apply self-manipulation again. My body becomes lighter, my senses shift, but I withstand the sensation, and keep standing. I take a step forward, then another, and finally begin to walk. It surprises me how quickly I can adjust to it now.

To get a general sense of direction, I climb the nearest tree. It requires next to no effort, my body only weighs a fraction of what it normally does now. I just am not allowed to lose concentration, or I could end really unfavourably. On top of the tree a spectacular view presents itself to me. Trees are reaching up to the horizon in every direction. The only outstanding landmark is a colossal mountain range in the distance. For a short second, I feel reminded of the mountains I have seen in my dreams several times now.

Yet, my goal lies in the opposite direction. This mountain range is the only thing you can see from the village beyond the forest, therefore to return, I have to turn my back on the mountains, and start running. I climb down the tree cautiously, and begin moving.

Running through the forest is incredible. I feel like I should be feeling down, over what happened. I even want to, it would only be the right thing to do. Yet, I can not. Magic euphoria is pumping through my veins, which is only reasonable considering I maintain two rather complex magic techniques. In addition to that, running through the forest at this speed, this levity, is fun. As much as I want to deny that, I can not.

Just wait for me, I will be getting back soon. Before this next dusk, I will be back. Ready, to take responsibility. Thinking such things, time elapses rapidly. The forest looks the same, but is getting less dense. Every now and then I climb another tree, and check my direction. Now, the time I take to get back depends on how straight I ran yesterday. If my muscle memory failed me and I went in a bent path, I may emerge from the forest, but some distance away from the village. In that case, I would not know in which direction to head.

How long did I run now? Two hours? Three? I feel like I am getting close. The forest seems fresher than back where I awoke, less dense and less old. I should get even more exited now, should I not?

But, that is not the case. What if Ione resents me? She did always seem to care for Brian, and for him especially. Will she hate me for what happened to her Brother? I think she would have a good reason to do so.

This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

My speed declines, and from running I switch over to walking. What will the mayor say? Will he deny me the usage of magic? Will he punish me for spreading knowledge? He seemed so mad and sad at the same time yesterday.

What about Mother? Father? Will they look at me differently? Will they scold me for running away? Will they even recognise me as their son, having brought such misfortune to an innocent kid?

I am coming to a halt, and stand motionless between the bald trees. Soon I feel water covering my feet as the snow starts melting from the emitted heat.

What about... Brian? What about what he told me, that we are friends? Does he still see it that way? There is no chance he does. Does he resent me for not stopping him? For allowing all this to happen? For being a bad Friend, and not being there for him when he needed me? For not comforting him when he was in agony?

Why is it so hard to be a good friend? How am I supposed to act right? Nobody ever taught me all of this! How am I supposed to know how to act with people? How to understand them? Is it not unfair, that seemingly everyone seems to be able to do it perfectly fine, but no one ever felt the necessity to let me in on that?

What if... I return to the village, and everybody just tells me: “Why did you not stay in the forest?”

I sink onto my knees. It is really not fair, is it?

“No, of course not! If life were fair, how comes that you, who instigated Brian on all of this, got away unscathed, while he has a crippling injury for the rest of his life now?” The coldness in this voice, it strikes me unprepared yet again.

I fall over, and bury my face into the snow. Why is it so hard to just go back into the village? If I am prompted to leave, I can still just do that. What am I afraid of, when expecting the worst? My expectations can only be met, or disproven by a more soft outcome. What am I afraid of?

It would be logical to go, and see for myself. Yet, my body seems to lack the power to move itself albeit being light as a feather.

“Ha. I knew you could not do it. Weakling.”

It hurts. This situation, it hurts. The words, they hurt. My emotions, they hurt. Yet, being addressed as a weakling fills me with rage, and the urge to disprove this cold voice. “AAGAGHHAGHAHGH!!” I scream into the melting slush that seconds ago was the white, cold, beautiful snow I buried my face in.

Slowly, I get up again. Hanging around here will not solve anything. I have come all the way here. Turning my back on the village now would be illogical. With firm yet shaky step, I continue to walk.

I start recognizing the territory. Only a few more minutes now until I would reach it. Apparently, by chance I took the correct way. I start to think about what to say. “Hey.”? No, too casual for the situation. “I am sorry.”? No, too... I do not even know what it is too. Too meaningless? Too expectant? Too... Hollow?

Branches are cracked all around the place, and my path crosses a trail where everything seems to have been completely obliterated, from bushes and branches to even young trees. It seems familiar. I have seen it before, definitely. An unpleasant stench discomforts my nose, although the smell is familiar as well. Another victim. And so close to the village as well. No thirty minutes into the forest.

Maybe I should bury it. Maybe Brian will forgive me if I do what he values so much? I follow the trail. It is afternoon now, but the sun will set very soon. I should hurry.

To think of it, everything started with this animal. The problems, I mean. Had he never come near to us, we would not have trained battle techniques yesterday. Ione would not have left, and kept Brian from being mindless. We would be at the forest clearing, training. If only...

I start to resent this animal. What have we done to deserve it? Did we offend any god with our research, and he decided to send this here?

I arrive at the site. From far, I see snow covering the scenery, it looks unusually peaceful.

I come closer. Even though the smell is very present, apart from a few shreds of meat here and there the snow had the grace to cover it all up. Yet, to properly see what I am working with, I need to get rid of the snow. Melt it? Blow it away with wind? The second option.

I position myself next to a tree to not be affected by the wind, and reduce to power of the spells I have been maintaining for all that time, to make it free for a third chant. Cold starts creeping into my skin and shooting into my feet immediately. This is the first time I seriously try to use three spells at a time. Why not undo the other two? Maybe I want to prove something to myself.

I imagine the used picture, a broad vertical area of acceleration, and face the tree. Will I have enough power to do the job? The snow is rather fresh and very fine, so it should be taken away by wind without a problem. But will my power suffice? Maybe. In this specific topic I did only little research in energy consumption, so I can not really tell.

I close my eyes, and yet again concentrate. The air howls up, and passes me in a fast, steady stream. I maintain that for about a minute, the cold is destroying me without heating myself, so I cease and reapply the power to the two other spells. I turn around.

I look into the face of a severed human head. Its expression is distorted in shock, disbelief and fear. I lean myself against the tree I was facing just now, fearing I would fall otherwise. I feel weak, as if I had taken a hit into the stomach just now. Why is a human dead? Why was he out here in the night? It is not someone I recognize. Most likely one of the villagers, a man.

The body is shredded. This was the unknown attacker. Without a doubt.

Why was he out here in the night? Everyone knows you must stay away from the forest at night. Had I thought clearly yesterday, I would have thought twice whether or not to actually flee into the forest.

That is what Ione warned us about. The beast attacked a human, and killed it.

I feel cold even though I am warming myself as usual. I increase the output a bit, but it does not help. A stale taste is spreading over my tongue, my throat is dry. Thinking of it, I have drunk nothing in over a day now. Maybe I should go back now, and tell the people in the village. Maybe they are searching for this man already. I hate being the one bringing the bad news, but I has to be done. I compose myself, and continue walking to the village.

Thump.

My foot hit another object. A stone? No, the feeling is not right. It is not hard and heavy enough. I bend down, and swipe the snow away.

I freeze for a second. Underneath the snow, there was a second head. I recognize the face, although barely: It is a villager I have seen a few times while wandering through the village, with long, grey hairs and a remarkable beard. Hastily, I pull my hand back, and jump back. I almost slip on something slithery, but barely manage to keep my balance. I lift my foot, it is red in blood. I shudder. The snow hid a cover of fine shreds, meat, bone and tissue. It surfaced as I walked over it.

The streak of havoc continues down the way I wanted to take, I just now realized that. Along this way, there are several objects hidden by the snow. I thought of them as stones. Could they all be... something else entirely?

My breath goes wild, I hyperventilate. Sweat runs down my cheeks. I try to calm down, and only succeed after a few minutes. What in hell happened here? Why are there so many people here? Surely, that are not people, right? Stones! Yes, they must be stones. Two people went out in the night, for some moronic reason, and got themselves killed in return. Why would so many people out here? That is...

“You wonder what they were doing here?” The arctic voice, cruel and rough. “Is it not apparent? Come one, think with that head of yours! You know it, don't you? You know it and do not want to have it true!”

“SHUT UP!” I want to hear no more from it. What would be the reason for so many people to be outside at night?

I stumble over to the next bump. A head. The next one, another. Every head has this same horrified expression. Next, a woman. I recognise her as the merchant of the general store on the marketplace.

Another man.

Another man.

The surroundings seem colourless.

Another woman.

It is silent, I hear nothing but the creaking snow under my feet.

Another man...

Tears well up in my face as I dig out the awfully familiar face. Why...

I look in the cold, dead eyes of a man with short, brown hair, brown eyes, and a normally honest and kind face.

Thoughts of a conversation of mine with Brian cross my mind. “The way of nature? Would you say that as well if the being lying here was someone close to you? Or you?” I feel like someone hit my face. It hurts, even more than the hit the mayor gave me.

I stare in the cold, dead eyes of my Father. I do not understand the world no more.

“You want to know why they were here? Is it not normal to send out a searching troop if a child gets lost in the forest?” The voice laughs as if it has the fun of its lifetime.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut, shut, shut up.

I check Father for a pulse, like I have learned from the village healer. There is none. Father is not breathing either.

“Look at you, clinging at straws. PATHETIC, isn't it? What do you think happens if a predator hears a bunch of snacks walking through its territory, screaming for attention? It is just the way of nature, is it not? What is your Problem? There are hunters and prey. This is nothing new.”

“SHUT UP; YOU FIEND!” I scream from the bottom of my lungs, mixed up with wailing and as loud as I can to blast this monster away.

“Are you not going to check the other heads? Who knows who else joined the search out of concern for you? Maybe Ione? The mayor? Perhaps even your mother? I am sure she would be able to run away with her leg, so don't be afraid!” Word for word is hitting me like stones flung by a skilled sorcerer.

I just want to die here. Could something put an end to my misery? It is my fault, that...

They came searching for me, and paid with their lives. I can not forgive myself for that.

“Good, good! Finally you understand the gravity of the situation! Suffer more sweetly for me!”

Will this voice end too, if I end myself? Maybe it is worth it then.

I blankly stare at the head in my hands. Following an impulse, I close it's eyes with my right.

I can not die here, not yet. There are things left to do. I stand up, and walking slowly, I gather all the heads in one place. It is impossible for me to dig out a grave for all the flesh. Sorry, Brian. If the character lives in the head, this has to suffice.

I begin digging hole I in the frosted ground. I see no stick, so I use my hands. Maybe then they are good for something, at last. Shortly after, they are roughed up and bloody, but the work is not done.

I focus solely on the task at hand. Shovelling away dirt, piling it up next to me, hitting rocks and pebbles in the progress, tearing my skin, striking the earth. I shove away every other thought. The feelings of guilt and the voice, I cover them with the dirt I excavate.

It is dark. Clouds are covering the sky, and it snows. The sun has set long time ago. A pit is dug out before me. I used both magic and my own hands to equal parts to create it. It shall be the resting place of all these villagers- and most importantly, my father. One by one, I put them inside. There are nine overall.

Again, tears start flowing all over my face. Weird, I thought I expended my final one long ago.

In a last power struggle, I close the pit with the dirt amassed while digging it, sealing the memory of my father there.

I can no longer bear it, and every thought turns hazy as I am bawling my eyes out on the grave. I wail, weep and cry.

Why?

Why Father?

Finally, I lack the power to even cry. Laying on my back, I look at the sky.

Isn't the night sky beautiful...