On a bright sunny day, with not a cloud in the sky, a man was found frolicking about in a wide expanse of grassy hills. Hopping and skipping along without a single worry, birds followed the man, enchanted by his gentle voice, singing a lovely tune.

♫ Feed the birds, tuppence a seed ♫ 

Darn inflation

As the man hopped along the grassy trail through the hills, bread crumbs kept magically appearing in his hand which he scattered all around him, much to the delight of the flock of birds. Yet, even after the birds ate their fill, they were reluctant to part with the man as many could be seen flying around him or even landing on his head and shoulders, cooing along with the beautiful song.

Suddenly, the wind picked up and magic was felt in the air. The man stopped his singing and looked to his left, where he noticed an envelope coming his way, the wind its carrier.

As the envelope drifted to a stop in front of him, he grabbed it to take a better look at it.

To: Mary Poppins

Sender: The sad children

“Ah? Mary Poppins? Oh, I’m sorry children, my mother retired. But perhaps I can help you instead”, the man spoke out aloud to no one in particular.

Suddenly, the envelope started shining, and the text on it started sparkling. The name Mary Poppins was magically changed into Kris Poppins. “Ah, much better. Even if I took over her job, it still feels awful opening someone else’s mail”.

Opening the envelope, a letter was found in which seven children made a heartfelt plea. Their father had started working at a bank and was getting more grumpy by the day. Lately, he even stopped taking them out for kite flying. And it was such a lovely day as well!

Kris gasped in shock. “What? The children didn’t get to fly their kites on a lovely outdoorsy day? Scandalous! I’m coming over right now to right this horrible injustice!”

Opening his umbrella, Kris bid the birds goodbye. The wind started blowing and Kris was lifted into the air. “To the nanny mobile”, Kris shouted as his figure was seen drifting off into the clouds.

As Kris drifted downwards and landed in front of the secret bat cave which housed his nanny mobile, a rabbit standing upright hopped up to him.

“Sirsirquicktheresnotimeweneedtogooverallthewishesofthechildrenandthentherestheaaahwerelate”

Kris, his face ever the epitome of calmth and serenity, scrunched up in consternation due to the flood of vowels and consonants that came from the rabbits mouth.

“White Rabbit. We’ve gone over this so many times. Slow down”.

“Yesyeswhateveryousaysirslowdownindeedsiriswise”.

“Even slower”, Kris sighed.

“I … will … try, … sir”.

“Ah, that’s too much, White Rabbit”. Kris grit his teeth, no one could rile him up as much as this stupid fleabag could. But the rabbit had a knack of keeping track of things and planning out his agenda, so what was a man to do? If he left it to the Cheshire cat, he’d probably bring around Easter eggs wrapped up in Giftmas paper in August Whilst flying in a magical submarine.

“Ah, sorry sir. We have quite a list to go over sir. Many things happened as you were out in the hills searching for the sound of music.”

“Can you just skip over all the stupid miscellaneous stuff and only give me the top three highest priority issues. I’m in a hurry.”

“Ah, of course, sir. Well, a group of gnomes showed up at our main headquarters.. oh wait. Ah, yes, I was wondering why the report mentioned elves and not gnomes. They call themselves elves when clearly, they are little gnomes instead. I don’t care whether they want to identify as elves or orcs or Apache attack helicopters, they are quite clearly gnomes. The world’s gone mad, lately. Huh, what do you mean sir? Ah yes, sorry, back to the important parts. These gnomes were looking for work making toys, but that red fatso only gets off his lazy ass in December. HR wrote a letter of complaint stating that if this kept up, toy production would stagnate and children around the world would eventually be deprived of the spirit of Giftmas. What should we do, sir?”

What a headache. Nicholas was a pretty great sled driver and his gift-throwing aim was pretty solid too. But he was pretty much useless on every other metric evaluating his work qualifications. Not to speak about his work ethics.

“Ugh, I don’t have time for this. Hmm, you know, how about you get that guy with the stupid grin to manage the north pole instead of Nicholas. What’s his name again? Ah, yes. Ernest. Let Ernest save Giftmas. Now, what was the second issue on the list?”

“Your nanny mobile started making funny sounds again, sir. It should run perfectly, but it’s unlikely to be a quiet ride.”

Receiving no further comments, the rabbit continued on to the last high priority problem on his list. “Okay sir, please don’t get angry, but… the Tooth Fairy has been arrested again for breaking and entering.”

Through gritted teeth, Kris asked “Was she drunk again?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Sweet potato flavored donkey blasted, blessed Mary, mother of me. Poop!”

"OH NO. SHHH, language, sir! You used the P-word. What will the children think?”

“Sorry, sorry. Deep breaths. Fuuuu. Fuuuu. Pfrrrt. "Oh, sorry. That breath went out the other end. Haaa. Become the magical chairman, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. My managerial talents would be a great contribution to the world of magical beings. Mhmm. Well, if each and every single one of them stopped behaving like a dumb piece of manure, I wouldn’t have to use those talents so much in the first place. Seriously, I know the tooth fairy forgets to use magic when she’s drunk. But she can easily magically *poof* her way out of prison and alter everyone’s memories after sobering up. She’s just too darn dumb to even realize this much. Just let her rot in prison for a few weeks. I’m done with her. Perhaps that will finally let her grow up. I never understood why she even had a job in the first place. The Sandman visits the home of every sleeping person, every single night to shape their dreams. He can easily pick up a few teeth lying around here and there while he’s at it. Just raise his mana-lary by 50% and he’ll probably jump for joy at the chance. Ok, do you have all that, Rabbit? Good, I’m leaving! Oh, bleep it, this is supposed to be a musical. This conversation completely derailed the pace of the story. Rabbit, quick, hit the magic play button!”

♫ A little less conversation, a little more action … ♫

♫ Because of you, I am .. delayed.. Because of you.. oo oo oohoo ♫

* Funny voice * One hour later.

Kris was driving his nanny mobile to save the children from their kite-less fate, amazed at the sound it was making. Also, his usual commuting playlist was all out of whack too. If magic borked up, all kinds of funny things would happen. Kris was a typical right-wing magical voter. They promoted the use of magic in logical and structural ways. To make magical equipment that would work the exact same -magical- way every single time.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

Left-wing magical voters, on the other hand, were just lunatics. They are the ones who think it’s great when it starts raining meatballs. Because why the bleep not. And indeed. His car was produced by a left-wing nutcase. And since it was so incredibly expensive, as a newly instated chairman, he couldn’t quite afford to purchase a proper magical vehicle. Even if the current car was bought by the previous chairman, the Mad Hatter.

Anyway, I still have a bit of driving to do, and I’m still not quite caught up on the proper musical song-to-text ratio, so without further ado. So let’s follow this cutesy looking yellow brick road, I’m sure it’ll bring me to my destination.

♫ Oh, you, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you. ♫

♫ We’re off to see the children, the wonderful children who floss. ♫

* Funny voice * One magical * poof * later.

“Ahh. Finally arrived. Where are these lovely little Von Trapp children?”

♫ So long, farewell. Auf wiedersehen, goodbye. Adieu, adieu to you and you and ♫

“Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stoooop! I just arrived, why are you already singing goodbye to me?!”

The children’s song grinded to an abrupt halt due to Kris' rude interruption, who just arrived in his loudly puffing car. The car that was still singing its own theme song, for some uncanny reason. Even though the key had already been removed from the ignition. Darn left-wing nanny mobile.

Ah, now the children are looking at me with apprehension because I stopped their song midway. What kind of lunatic stops a musical song midway? Ah, the only way to save this fiasco is to just immediately start a new song and act like a medley was the plan all along. Yes, yes, let’s do that.

♫ Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring ♫

Ah let’s immediately weave that into the next song. Rug, you’re up next!

♫ Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling through an endless diamond sky. A whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew ♫

Ah, the children’s smiles look absolutely radiant, filled with delight as they enjoyed the magical flight. And Rug’s safety standards are a whole lot better than the nanny mobile too. Impossible to fall off, passengers are spared from both the force of the wind as well as any g-force pull during acrobatic maneuvers, oh and lets not forget the heated seating! Ah, magical engineering never ceases to amaze. Donkey blasted nanny mobile

Okay, to top of their happiness, perhaps a little wishful inspiration music. Yeah, I got just the song for them.

♫ When daytime turns to night

♫ When the moon shines bright

♫ When you're tucked in tight

♫ When everything's alright

♫ Slip softly to that place

♫ Where secret thoughts run free

♫ There come face to face

♫ With who you want to be

♫ So swim across the ocean blue

♫ Fly a rocket to the moon

♫ You can change your life

♫ Or you can change the world

♫ Take a chance don't be afraid

♫ Life is your to live

♫ Take a chance and then the best is yet to come

♫ Make a wish

♫ It's up to you.

♫ Find the strength inside

♫ And watch your dreams come true

♫ You don't need a shooting star

♫ The magic's right there in your heart

♫ Close your eyes believe

♫ And make a wish! 

♫ I've always hoped for happiness and finally fulfilled my wish

♫ 'Cause I just need to see you smile

Because isn’t that what every parent would wish for their children. To have them realize that they themselves all along had the magic inside to make their own wishes come true. That the kids could find the confidence within themselves to change their life, or even change the world. And as a parent, you guide them patiently and lovingly to find that beautiful hidden magic that shines deep within. Until it starts radiating and shining outwards. Like a shooting star lighting up the night sky.

Looking back, the Von Trapp children were quietly sleeping on the back of Rug. Kris smiled at their blissful sleeping faces. Little angels, they were. All children were little angels in his eyes. His mother Mary made sure to instill that magical belief in him. Because if the children were not acting like little angels, that just meant they needed some magic and singing in their lives. Because all children have a little angel deep inside of them. Kris’ life goal was to bring that angel out. Ah, now the children could finally sing their farewell song, but to wake them up just for that? So Kris stood up, clicked his heels together three times and * poof * Rug, along with him and the children immediately appeared in the childrens shared bedroom. Couldn’t he have done the clicking heel trick while he was still in the hills of Switzerland, looking for the sound of music? Eh, that’s like asking why Frodo had to walk to Mordor instead of taking the Eagle Express. Some things are just.. just because.

After putting the children to bed, he walked to the room adjacent, where the parents were sleeping. Yes, Kris magiced them to sleep earlier. Because he used magic responsibly, unlike a certain fairy. Would be quite a nuisance if the parents filed a missing children report while he was doing his uplifting musical gig.

He grabbed the father’s bowler type top hat, and punched his fist right through it. Ah, good old forceful enchanting. It might seem like he was just taking out his daily frustrations on the hat, but it was actually a type of applying magic. Honest. It’s not like he could’ve performed the enchantment in a less destructive manner. Ok, perhaps he could’ve. But the laws of the (Disney) universe pretty much state that to make the father see the light and take his children out for kite-flying, his hat had to be punched through. And who was he to doubt the laws of the universe, right? And if it helped with a little stress relief? … He he.

The kids are happy again. The dad has been fixed. Ah, all in a day's work. As he passed another bedroom on his way downstairs, he noticed a spare bed. A light bulb lit up over his head. Which Kris promptly grabbed from the air and covered with his clothing. The stupid bulb was way too bright and getting caught for trespassing when he was just about to leave? Naah. Anyway, Kris hated the nanny mobile with a passion. And any half-decent musical has a good ending song. And there was a spare bed right there with knobs on the end of the bed.

With a smile, a hop and a skip, Kris entered the bedroom and ignored the scraggy black cat hissing at him. He jumped on the bed and tapped the bedknob three times. Psychedelic colors started flashing and with a flash, him, along with the bed disappeared right from the bedroom. Such a unique experience. Remember children, don’t do drugs!

Arriving at the magical headquarters, he sighed at the convenience of the tried and true magical means of transportation of Bedknobs and Broomsticks. 

Works every time, most of the time. Which is very much a metaphor for life in general.

As he sat at his desk, he opened up a magical envelope addressed to his moth.. ah, it auto-corrected. After which it was addressed to him. A letter of complaint. Because a strange car was found driving by itself, loudly chugging along playing a chitty theme song.

Kris held his pounding head. Magic is great. Until it isn’t. And that was mostly due to the stupidity of magic users. Not so much magic itself. It wasn’t the first time and would not be the last time either that he would hope for the saying “Replace (magic) user and press any key” to come true. Because he still had a whole pile of reports from the HR department to deal with. And any self-respecting musical has to end with a song.

♫ Treguna Mekoides Trecorum Satis Dee ♫

Because Kris was sure that animated suits of armor with no intelligence whatsoever would still make for better equipped magic department workers than the foolish lots he worked with on the daily. Mayhaps, one day, the world of magic would become more educated, more structured, more.. no. Less headache inducing. But until that day, he would have to maintain his sanity with a little help from friends and loved ones.

♫ What would you do if I sang out of tune,

♫ Would you stand up and walk out on me?

♫ Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song

♫ And I'll try not to sing out of key.

♫ Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

(Joe Cocker version)

♫ When I was younger, so much younger than today

♫ I never needed anybody's help in any way

♫ But now these days are gone, I'm not so self-assured

♫ Now I find I've changed my mind

♫ I've opened up the doors

♫ And now my life has changed, in oh so many ways

♫ My independence seems to vanish in the haze

♫ But every now and then I feel so insecure

♫ And I know that I just need you

♫ Like I've never done before

♫ Help me if you can I'm feeling down

♫ And I do appreciate you being 'round

♫ Help me get my feet back on the ground

♫ Won't you please, please help me

(John Farnham version)