We meet at the showers, me sparkling clean and him absolutely covered in grime. He acknowledges me without a word when he see me and motions for me to stay away. I do so and just hover near him as he winds his way through the shower, body in a state of neutrality I have never seen; it is clear he does not want to betray his emotions to anyone. Once he manages to get inside I just wait until he is done; it is not too long before he steps out shiny and clean. “The squad is resting in quarters Sergeant.” I don’t want him to worry so I just try to say it softly. He just needs and walks ahead with me falling in behind.
We just walk in silence, him showing nothing and me feeling my confusion slip into the dread I had refused to voice until now. Once we reach our rooms we go inside and he just sits quietly at his desk. “Sergeant,” he says quietly, “I appreciate that you were thrown into things and this was your first combat, but I need my orders to be followed immediately and without question.”
I stand behind him and respond, “I was trying to ensure the safety of Private Davis and could not move more quickly.”
He just rotates his head slightly to look over his shoulder, “Sergeant, I saw that container. We both know exactly what state Private Davis was in. Think next time. Your delay could have meant he was not the only fatality.” I stiffen, Sergeant Jacobs’ words meaning that I cannot lie to myself anymore.
“Why did you have me move him then?” I drop the honorific; I am annoyed and angry right now with how he treated me and is treating Davis.
He ends up fully standing up and getting up close and personal with me; I take a step back and he permits me my personal bubble. “I was not entirely sure he was dead and was confident you could move his heart quickly. I was wrong on both fronts.” Sergeant… I tried. Give me a break here. “You will learn, I am sure.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and gently guides me to my bed. I start trembling; I really do have one use… I’ve learned a little bit though so I can try. Once I sit down he sits next to me. “Are you alright Kel? Battle finally catching up to you.”
“Just… just thinking of the stuff I need to do Frank.” He’s being nice at least but I really think… I shouldn’t think. I just need to do.
“I’ll handle everything this time and teach you later; you’ve been through enough for the moment. Criticism aside you’ve started to step up finally and that is good, mostly.” Mostly? Ah, I can do the rest now. “I mean, I will miss having an assistant around once we finish whipping you into shape. I doubt I could stretch our association on for much longer once you’re able to stand on your own.” There is a bit of energy in his voice.
I just sit and wait though. Eventually this will turn to its point and we can just get it over with; I need to just be the good boy I was meant to. I am so anxious though that I feel myself curl up and shake again. I want him to just get this over with, please. I’m here and willing; maybe I should make the first move. I gently reach out for his thigh with my left arm when he catches my wrist.
“Kel, what are you doing?” He is holding me gently enough I could continue if I wanted.
“I just… You need me, right? ”I pull my hand back gently. Am I not worthy of him?
“What do you mean?” He looks at me almost quizzically. “Oh. I see. I need you as my friend and subordinate Kel. I am just here so we can both sit down. Do you need me to sit on the other bed? Give you some space?”
I don’t want to him leave me. “No, please. I… I am just feeling strange. Stressed. It was so light…” My thoughts become jumbled with my need to make Frank love me and the feeling of Davis’ heart in my hands.
“Kel. Listen. The reason I wanted you to promise me that you’d stop saying ‘I’m fine’ is because this is a long hard journey that was forced upon you and you need to be able to be honest. You will struggle, possibly for the rest of your life, and I was just hoping to curtail the bad habit of lying to yourself and everyone else about how you are actually feeling.” I just curl up more.
“Sorry. I did not mean to upset you. That was stupid of me.” I leave the unsubtle implication hanging.
“You did not upset me. Listen to my voice,” he speaks calmly and kindly. “You are fighting a personal battle; you will stumble and fall and, at times, feel like you have failed. As long as you keep fighting though you won’t have failed Kel.” I scootch closer to him until we are almost touching. “Stop Kel.” So is this the extent of his concern for me?
“I know you wanted to be touched; we all do. The meat never understand that physical affection did not suddenly become meaningless because our skin is harder than theirs, but given how you feel about me I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Then who, Frank?”
“Right now no one. This can be a lonely life at times and you’ll need to be prepared for that. Try to make the absolute most of your time at port.”
“Hrg,” I gurgle. “Part of me regrets not just spending that times with Davis. Did he die thinking I wasn’t coming because I hated him? He was a good marine. I wish… I wish I had been able to let him know I respected him, that I know that is wasn’t his fault, that I really was going to be there for him.” Before I get another chance to wax a dark nostalgia over the recent past Frank just reaches over and pulls me into him.
“This is just because we’re friends, okay?”
“You’re not going to complain about it later.”
“No, I will not.”
I just rest there, basking in the warmth of friendship and touch. I sometimes drift in and out of sleep but Frank always jolts me awake if I get too drowsy and just give in. We end up staying there for some time in the wake of battle and the quiet of loss, the only constant motion his facsimile of breathing. I feel the ocean within me stirring, the vast waters of self raging beneath the storm of suffering that makes the nature of this world. I cannot help but wonder what lies deep beneath those waves where the storm cannot reach, at the absolute core of self. Is there some truth there, hidden deep with me? But how can I find the strength to swim through those dark waters?
“What are you talking about?” Frank’s voice interrupts my silent reverie.
“What do you mean? I’m not talking at all.” I don’t move from my comfort spot to talk to him.
“You were muttering something about oceans and swimming. Aren’t you too heavy to do that?” He also keeps his hand around me. Neither of us wants to break the connection we feel right now.
“I must be so out of it that I’m saying what I’m thinking out loud. Just some personal reflection; don’t worry.”
“Better to start figuring out mediation now than later, but don’t get lost inside yourself. Balance also means knowing when to pull back.”
“I’ll try.” I go back to just quietly resting against him quietly for a few moments but cannot shut myself up. “How do you do this so much? I think I am just too weak to handle it.”
“By fighting the pain when it wants to kill you, accepting it when it just washes over you, and showing it when you can.”
“When can you though? Don’t you not want to appear weak? Crying and all during a funeral is bad isn’t it?”
“Kel, any marine who stays dry-eyed during a brother’s funeral is tempting being exposed for who he really is: a monster. At the graves of the dead is one of the few times we can really be true to ourselves and open with our feelings without judgment from lesser folk. Don’t make a production during the funeral but don’t be ashamed to cry okay? That ‘real-man is macho’ trash is for vids. We know what it’s like, you and I and the rest the squad too and everyone else in the Corps. Don’t fall to their lies, the outside world. We deal in secrets Kel, but not lies.” Comforted I go back to just sitting there, feeling the slowly movement of his body.
“I think I’m scared.”
“That’s alright. Fear is a part of life, our or anyones. What we do about it is what determines much of our lives. I need to go to deal with some things, including giving everyone the news. If you want to stay here that is fine and if you want to be by my side when I tell them that’s good too. I just need to know now what you want because I need to start working.”
Fear grips my body and sorrow is strangling my very heart so I say, “I will do what I can to help.” I need to listen; I need to fight.
“Thank you. Don’t overextend yourself. This is far from over and I don’t know when we will be needed again.” He stands and goes to sit at the desk.
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When we called the squad together, a space notably absent in those five rows, Sergeant Jacobs speaks simply and honestly. He does not know when there can be a formal funeral but he has gotten permission for us to have a small ceremony later as a chance to say our goodbyes. I really cannot focus his words no matter how much I want to, as little as he says. All I can see is the pain in my heart reflected in them; all I can hear are the echoes of the sorrows they dare not yet voice. As soon as they are permitted to go their bodies slump and they trudge back to reflect upon what has happened. The thing is I can see that Lance Corporal Higgins is taking this especially hard. Once everyone but he, the Sergeant, and I are gone he just leans against the wall and cries. Before Sergeant Jacobs I close the gap and put my hand on his back.
“Do you want to talk Lance Corporal?”
“No Sergeant. I just need a moment.”
“Alright. I am going to stay here though. Talk to me if you need to. I cannot say I know Private Davis well, definitely not as well as I would like, but I do wish he was here.” I keep my hand on his back; if he wants it off he can give any indication, the smallest, and I will give him space; he does not.
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“I just… I just keep thinking something terrible. I shouldn’t!” He angrily punches the wall. At this point Sergeant Jacobs steps in.
“What is it Lance Corporal? No matter how you feel I cannot let you destroy the ship. What are you thinking? Tell us.”
Higgins shakes his head. “It’s private. I don’t want to betray his trust now that he’s dead.”
“Does it involve a specific Naval Lieutenant? If so then please tell me.” I drop my voice to a whisper. “I know more about that man than I normally admit.”
Lance Corporal Higgins slowly stands up and follows as Sergeant Jacobs leads him to our tiny quarters. Heads are starting to pop out in respond to his punch but I just motion for them to go back into their quarters.
Inside the room Higgins confesses all: how close he and Private Davis were, not romantically involved but certainly no stranger to spending a lot of close time together. He starts to break down again as he gasps that he feels terrible that part of him is glad Davis is dead; he can no longer be hurt by what Lieutenant Kies did to him, that he is finally free from pain. He knows how much being a Marine meant to Davis and is happy he died fighting, not slowly poisoned by his experiences. Higgins is guilty because he is feeling any joy at his best friend’s death. Sergeant Jacobs tells me that it is normal to try to see some good in loss, to dream of the joy our loved ones feel when they pass. “Don’t worry yourself. I have watched you for years and I know that you were always a good friend to him. The fact that you see anything good in this tragedy and understand enough to also feel loss by it shows just how much you cared about him. Don’t be ashamed that grieving is not an open and shut process for you.” Lance Corporal Higgins accepts this advice as best he can, I can see that, and asks to be dismissed.
“Do you mind spending a moment, just you and I, Lance Corporal?” I ask him with all the patience in my voice.
“Can it wait Sergeant?”
“Certainly. I want to be clear that if you need help though, come whenever. I will be nearby much of the time. None of us are alone right now.” My words lack experience and wisdom but I try to make clear my sincerity.
“Thank you Sergeant. Am I dismissed?” I look at Sergeant Jacobs and permits Higgins to leave.
“I have much to learn,” I say.
“Yes, but you are trying. If you could say anything about Davis later today that would be extremely helpful for everyone, but do avoid mentioning Kies.”
“I will Sergeant. Or Frank? Not sure to be honest.”
“Right now, Kel, either will do.”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Sweet music sweeps through my mind that I do not remember or quite grasp; I am not even sure if it my own music to some stirrings of my mind but I dare not disturb this moment. We stand together in a quiet area of the ship reserved for special functions, each of us dressed our best as we take a moment to mourn. It is quiet outside of my mind but I can see strain on every inch of their metal bodies; this loss has hit everyone hard. I cannot believe how quiet it is, not even the hum of the engines to disturb us. No one speaks or cries or dares make any attempt to destroy the slowly growing quietude but can we really? I don’t know. I was only at a furneral once and I barely even knew the man, an uncle I think? I am not used to it being so quiet; it is oppressive, more so with the darkness. This most be the loneliest, at the reminder of mortality and the loss of friend…
I look and see a small object, supposedly Private Davis’, that is standing in for him and I cannot help but reflect on the loss of life, the cruelty of it, and how fragile holding him in my arms was. The sum off all he ever was just sitting in my arms, so easily… Why did I fail him? How can I apologize to everyone when I failed to save his life. I know Sergeant Jacobs said he died instantly but honestly I still feel like he died waiting for help that would not come, not in time anyways. There must be something, though, something that I can do in order to right this. The weight of guilt is crushing me and sealing my mind, but that music does not stop playing, bringing both fire and sorrow. Do the choices he’s made justify this death, give sense to it? Does it purify the enemy of the sin of death? I don’t know and I must scream my confusion to the stars and planets around me, knowing they will not listen. We are alone in this life and I must not forget that. Still, I should say something; I can even see Sergeant Jacobs flagging, I am guessing from his own deep set guilt over being unable to help Davis recover before he died. It does not matter, I must try!
I step forward, footsteps light and powerful, “Forgive me. I barely know you and you all have just met me, but I cannot remain silent here. Private Davis… he was a good man and a good marine. I so deeply regret not getting to know him better, not spending more time with him, before this day. Truth is, I sometimes worry that I am not cut out to be a marine, to bear that pride alongside all of you.” I feel pain in my heart; I am being honest with every word. I also failed to help the man I promised, the man who needed my help. “The thing is, I am no longer going to accept that; I have no choice. I cannot and will not dishonor his memory by faltering now. Even as briefly as I knew him I learned much of him and hope that he finds peace on whatever seas we sail after our life here ends. However, as long as I am on this world, in my life, I will fight. I will fight for the pride that he had for being here and I will fight to bring justice to those who wronged him. His memory lies before us as the sum of a man who had the courage to seek his own destiny and refused to let the evils of this world break him. Bloodied as he was he never gave up. I made a promise to him the day before he died, a promise I did not have time to keep. In the name of that promise I will fight for a better world, a world where freedom and love reign over the ignorance and terrors of vast Creation. I will go to any lengths to honor him and those who came before him, making the ultimate sacrifice in the name of a better future. I ask you to stand alongside me as long as you are able, please. Help me honor the man who died far too young, ignorant of the light that this life truly as to offer. Help me make sure his sacrifice was not in vain… Please…” Although my speech reached a crescendo of passion in the middle toward the end I just break down and cry, openly. I failed Davis, I will not do so again to anyone else.
I look and see that several others and shaking and shuddering, crying silently. Did I reach them this time. Have my words meant anything? I mean it, all of you, I will find a better way.
“Having faced one of the too many trials of Man, having seen the Dove, can you continue to overcome adversity and continue along the Path to the Noblest of Truths?” I cannot tell which is talking in this liminal state, trapped between my eyes seeing the pain of comrades and my heart hearing the voice. This time, I speak, “You will have your answer at the gates of Zion.”
I step back and slowly others step forward and tell their stories. Brown and Johnson are new to the squad so they are really in the same boat, but the thought of losing anyone hurts and they are grateful for the time he spent with each of them, making them feel welcome and part of the group. The rest of often delightful stories told with the echoes of pain and the grasping of memories of a time when the stars were still jewels in the endless night sky. In time it comes down to just Higgins and Sergeant Jacobs. Higgins steps forward and tries to say something, but just gives up. I can’t say I blame him and I see that no one else does. The music in my head starts talking, strange melancholy things. That is not a terrible word to describe most of this, but Higgins is just so beaten down. I move over to stand near him, but several others are already there, holding him, telling him that they are here; none of us are alone. Aren’t we though? We live and die alone with only brief moments to cover that lie.
“One day I will tell you the story of Zeus, Youth, and the evil done to us by ancient Dogma.”
Only Sergeant Jacobs has not made any attempt to speak. He waits until everyone else has calmed down and stepped back. “I cannot say anything that has not been said better by one of you before me, that includes you Lance Corporal.” He looks at Higgins and the pain reflected in him stills shows his understanding. “Let me say simply then that loses such as these happen and we do not have to be happy about it. The honesty you have all showed with your feelings makes me proud to be your Sergeant and let me join Sergeant Kel in promising that I will do all I can, with him, with you, and by myself, to make sure that his life helps lead to a better life for so many others. They will never know his name; they will never know his sacrifice, but they will have the life that Private Davis’s sacrifice has paid for.” He sighs so heavily that it is visible in every part of him. “Thank you all for being here for us and for each other. You are dismissed for the rest of the day. Be back at 0400.”
Usually the permission to disperse results in everyone marching, shuffling, or filing out. But now all semblance of formality drops and everyone just comes together to be near each other, to talk, to help and be helped. Sergeant Jacobs moves over next to me as I step back and let everyone interact privately. “Kel, don’t make promises you can’t keep.” He stands besides me.
“I will do everything in my power to keep that promise, no matter what. I owe it to Davis.”
Frank moves to stand in front me, close but not aggressively so, “If anyone else hears what you said they will believe you are vowing to destroy the rebels, but we all know that you just promised to find a way to punish Kies. If anyone ever figures that out… Kel. Kel please tell me that was just an empty promise to make them feel better. I won’t even be mad. Just let me know you aren’t going to go after someone the government views as irreplaceable to their cybernetics program.” He is worried, scared even. The thought of losing someone else he is responsible for…
“I’m not going to lie to you: I meant every word. I have friends, friends who may be able to help me stop Kies once and for all. Once this war is over I will ask them for their help and we will put a stop to this. Thing is, I know I’m not as strong as I need to be to do it, let alone survive the coming war.” I put my hands on his shoulders and stare directly at him, “if you withhold your aid I will falter and fail and maybe even die. At my weakest I need you, as long as possible, as long as you are able. If you want me to stop you only have to refuse to help me when I need you most, every time I need you. If you help me, stay by my side and be there for me, Kies will be defeated. That better world is on the horizon but only if we stand together, unafraid. Please, I know things have been strange and strained and difficult between us and will be from time to time and I know my feelings for you only make it stranger, but stand with me.”
I see the concern come over him and gently takes my hands off of him. “Kel, when battle changes a man this much it is rarely a good sign. You need help and I am not sure I can help you.”
I put my hand back on his chest. “I was forced to open my eyes Frank, baptized in blood and pain. It is not that I have changed so much as I have stopped hiding who I am.”
He grabs the hand on his chest by the forearm and holds it. “And who are you really, Kel? Earlier you were breaking down and snuggling me desperately and now you are speaking like you have a destiny.”
“Frank… Please.” The energy suddenly drains out of me and I feel weak. As I begin to fall Frank grabs me and holds me up.
“Kel, don’t burn yourself out. Thing is, if you don’t handle this well it can destroy the rest of your life and I need to be honest: once you leave no one cares. The government will discard you and the populace will ignore you at beast. Machines that were damaged are discarded and tools that have served the purpose and left to rot. We are neither but no one will see that. I know this is hard, but please stay with me.” As he holds me I begin to feel dizzy, like the world is starting to melt around me.
“But… gotta… gotta… yea… you… thanks… love… sweet…” I slur my words as my sentences begin to fragment and the world blossoms painfully. I feel the warmth of Frank’s body against my own as he lowers me down, the heat a silken shirt gliding so smooth over my skin. He lays me on the cold hard ground, the steel beneath me unyielding. I see Frank moving over me, saying something in that pleasant baritone of his, his movements graceful and powerful yet contain such a deeply nurturing truth hidden within. The others come near me, their feat bearing both fear and sorrow as they dread another loss, but I know Frank will reassure them. I can see some vaguely, standing as both sword and shield, weapon and warrior. One bears the weight of a terrible crime on his body, another seeks redemption for a forgotten insult, and a third is burning with a renewed vigor at the thought of vengeance upon an old enemy. I reach forward and gently touch Frank’s face, so smooth, so nice. As I touch him I realize something but my mind gives out before I can understand what I have learned.
Thirteen forms stand around me. “We are the pillars, you are the bridge, that will cross the waters of false theurgy and lead all into the eternal peace of Truth. Your trials will continue until your heart is ready to follow the path to Zion and climb the way to Shamballah.” I do not respond; I am too weak but cannot help but fall into the waters that always seem to be at my feet.