Rowan’s smile lasted until he got back inside the village and saw the full impact of the siege on the village.

The urchin’s quills and skyfin bites had taken out more than a quarter of the combat-ready population of the village. The ones who remained mostly had uncommon classes but the constant battles were taking a toll on everyone, fighters and villagers alike.

The best reminder of that was how quiet the village was. There was no celebration. No large show of solidarity and camaraderie. Just the quiet shuffling of feet and grunts of the wounded as the designated healers tried to administer aid in the driest corner they could find.

So why don’t I feel the same way?

Try as he might, Rowan couldn’t find it in him to feel the same fear and concern that was apparent on everyone else’s faces. It wasn’t that he was entirely unbothered, but his feelings on the subject were muted. Controlled. It was just another setback to overcome.

Is this the true me?

Rowan tapped the butt of his spear against the wall he was leaning on and pondered. Then pondered some more, his eyes drifting towards Olivia, she was organizing watches and repairs with the healthy villagers.

Maybe it is. Maybe this is really who I am.

Rowan’s gaze fell to his spear. It was hard to remember the last time he had been without a spear for any appreciable amount of time. He held it constantly whenever he was awake and even when he was sleeping, it was on the ground next to him.

The last time I went without it. Before the fight with the demon? The first corrupted beast wave? Before we left the baron’s estate?

Rowan stared at the weapon blindly, then fought down a shudder that threatened to tear through him. His hand tightened on the shaft, and the feelings halted and sputtered out, letting him breathe easily again.

So many things suddenly made sense to him.

He was never a coward. In fact, Rowan would argue that he was downright brave in comparison to most people his age. But even that had its limits. He was facing down murderous hordes without flinching. With a smile on his face. That wasn’t normal. He didn’t falter, he didn’t collapse. It shouldn’t have been possible for a normal adult to go through the changes he did and still stay sane. But he was fine. More than fine. Even when experienced soldiers and mercenaries faltered, he kept moving.

Rowan’s breathing started to pick up once more, and again, focusing on his spear let him push the emotions away.

That’s good, right? Rowan wondered. It’s a good thing to tune out the world. It lets me do my job. It let me save more people.

“Rowan? Are you okay?” It was Olivia’s voice. Rowan’s eyes snapped up to meet her own green ones, and he almost flinched at the concern he saw there. “You look pale.”

“I’m fine, really. I just need to,” Rowan paused as his mind desperately tried to come up with some excuse. He saw an exhausted soldier slumping against the wall of a house. “Just need to rest a little. Tough battle, you know?”

In some ways, Rowan wasn’t lying. Even if he had no mark to show for it, he had gotten stuck by far too many quills for it to be healthy. A more sane person would be looking for some food to replenish energy stores.

“Okay then.” Olivia didn’t sound convinced, but she pulled back. “You did well out there today. Want to head on back, and leave things out here to us?”

Rowan nodded, his grip on the spear redoubling as he made his way through the village. He absolutely hated seeing all the misery on everyone’s faces, and it only made him walk faster and make his face even more resolute.

Back in his room and away from all the drama, Rowan simply piled his soggy clothes and armor in a corner. There would be time to deal with them later. He collapsed on the bed, one hand still lightly gripping his spear, hoping he would pass out on the spot.

He didn’t.

When did I become borderline disconnected from all of my negative emotions? Do I want them back? And are they the only thing I’m missing out on?

Time infuriatingly ticked by. Rowan tried to drop the spear. His fingers kept disobeying him. He tried to fall asleep. His mind kept finding new excuses. The storm raged on outside his window, making it hard to even tell the time of day.

At some point, Rowan snarled in disgust, pushed away from his bed, and paced around his room with his teeth gritted. Why was this bothering him now?

You know why. Rowan grumbled at himself, forcing his pacing to a stop and taking a deep breath.

It was the damned weather. The weather and constant attacks. With sunshine and good company, they could still pretend things were fine and the baron was just a few days away, ready to reinforce them even if everything went to the literal hells.

Now, the depressing clouds and the masses of beasts had stripped away the illusion, and everyone was on edge. Including him, apparently. It was just that the emotions had been buried much deeper and affected him in ways that were a lot more insidious.

The sum effect of everything manifested in the form of second guessing about how healthy it was to use his heart card as a crutch for emotional discipline. At least there was a really simple solution for that.

Just stop doing it. Drop the thing.

Rowan let the weapon clatter to the floor, and felt the sense of purpose and focus fade like a tide receding. All the emotions came out. The voice in his mind was almost taunting him at how bad a choice it was to be without Keen Spear.

Before he could second guess himself, Rowan threw on some simple clothes and was out in the hall, approaching Olivia’s door. He had no idea what time it was. It could have been ridiculously late or just after dinner. All he knew was that she was there, the vague party link sense telling him that much.

“Just come in already!” Olivia shouted from the beyond the door, making him jump. How long had he been hesitating?

Rowan pushed the door open to find Olivia watching him with an amused smile. He felt the urge to fiddle with his hands. It felt odd not holding on to his spear.

“You realize I could hear you thumping away with your foot in front of my door for the past ten odd minutes, right?” Olivia’s voice had that teasing lilt, but her eyes were worried and earnest.

He looked away, focusing on the floor instead.

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you up? I wanted us to go over the loot together, but if now’s not a good time, we can just do that later.” Rowan was fumbling, and he was fumbling badly.

He just really didn’t want to be alone at the moment.

“Does this look like the room of someone taking the time to sleep?” Olivia scoffed and motioned around herself, and even with all of his problems, Rowan had to admit she had a point. Every available surface was covered in papers, most of them having scrawls on them that were either circled or violently scratched out. Most of them were drafts of speeches.

“What’s happening? Anything I can help with?” Rowan offered in earnest.

“That depends,” Olivia sighed. “Do you know how to motivate an entire village? We lost Desimir, and the villagers have taken it hard. They’re throwing a pout party.”

“You mean a pity party?” Anger curled in Rowan’s chest. It was only when Olivia placed a hand on his arm that he snapped out of it. Apparently, depression and bad thoughts were not the only thing his Keen Spear was keeping at bay.

“They’ve barricaded themselves inside their homes with whatever food they could hoard while we were fighting. Now, they’re refusing to come out. The skyfins went after the villagers too. Now they’re convinced that’s going to be them if they venture out,” Olivia said.

“Shit,” Rowan cursed softly. “No repair crews?”

“Worse than that. They did most of the cooking too, and equipment preparation and a whole host of other things,” Olivia said. “We can’t afford to lose them.”

“So, what do we do?” Rowan asked.

“I don’t know.” Olivia looked a bit more pale as she exhaled those words. “I can’t order the combat classes to bust down people’s doors and drag them out to work. They’re just scared and I get that.” She hunched in on herself. “Bron could have handled this. He could always —”

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Rowan stepped forward and gave Olivia a hug. It was awkward, with him standing and her sitting, but she didn’t seem to mind.

“You know that you’re the only reason why we’re alive right now, right?” Rowan said.

“I don’t —”

“You’ve been keeping this village together.” Rowan stopped her right there. “If they don’t appreciate that, it’s on them. What you’ve done with a group of ragtag defenders is nothing short of incredible.”

Olivia was quiet for a second before she returned the hug. “Maybe we should just fight our way out of here and go look for my dad, huh?”

“We’ll be fine, you’ll see,” Rowan said. He knew that she was far too caught up in her duty to really go beyond just a joke. “We’ll take the problems one at a time. And then when we finally get over this, we’ll make sure to rename this place as Olivia’s Mill so that they know who saved them.”

That made Olivia giggle and she pulled away. Swinging her legs down, Olivia grabbed a blanket from her bed and tugged Rowan toward the fireplace on the other end of the room.

“So you want to look over our loot?” Olivia asked. The two of them sat down on the floor and she threw the blanket over them both. Rowan was suddenly very aware of her squeezing right next to him.

“Yeah.” Rowan fumbled the word out. “The twins. Passed.” He took a small breath. “They decided to pass on everything and I wanted to look with you to see if there’s anything useful.”

Olivia nodded and they dived into the system interfaces together. Rowan ignored the battle experience notifications, there were more than he could count, most of them in the one to two hundred range.

“Is this normal? Two hundred and sixteen cards?” Rowan asked. He had been under the impression that cards were something extremely hard to come by. But his experience these past few days had been the exact opposite.

“For a hero? Probably,” Olivia said. “But to be clear, there are more cards here than I would see in an entire month. Most people never make it past common, even after a lifetime of trying. In peacetime, it takes an incredible amount of talent and hard work. But here? Most of the mercenaries are uncommon and working toward rare. Flirting the line between life and death has its merits.”

Rowan nodded. “Time for loot?”

“Time for loot,” Olivia confirmed.

Rowan first went through his backlog of cards. He had been merging them together as much as possible, which had finally paid off when he combined ten Reckless Advances and found the rare equivalent of the card.

Obliterating Charge (Rare, Active)

Rush towards your enemy, building up extreme speed and damage as you go. Your impact damage grows in proportion to the ground covered during your advance, and your damage resistance will be boosted by the same amount, making it incredibly difficult to knock you out of your charge.

The description was almost the same as before but the image showed a creature knocking down an entire brick wall. It almost felt like a waste to keep such a card in his cardholder. But Rowan needed every card in his current deck.

There was another common card, Nimble Body, that had grown to rare tier.

Feline Physique (Rare, Passive)

You can control your body with exacting precision, allowing you to react to blows with extreme dexterity and speed. Your ability to pass through obstacles and tight gaps will also only be constrained by the size of your skeleton.

Rowan tried the card on and instantly felt a difference. After thinking about it for a few seconds, he swapped Empowered Thrust out for Feline Physique. The attack card could come back when he went into combat.

Then it was time for the new cards. Rowan worked through the wall of green and found most of the cards only suitable for sharding.

“This could be useful for a future scout?” Rowan said as he sent over a card to Olivia.

Flawless Mimicry (Uncommon, Passive)

You can blend into your surroundings, causing your body to take on their color and even texture. Only the most eagle-eyes scouts will spot you.

“Not bad,” Olivia said. “Sucks that there’s only one copy. But I guess we should be grateful for what we have.” She began to giggle. “Oh, the things that I could do with that Grasping Cage or the Watery Grave card.”

Grasping Cage (Uncommon, Active) x4

Summon a cage of air currents to toss around your enemy and disorient them. The duration of the effect depends on the amount of mana invested.

Watery Grave (Uncommon, Active)

Summon a sphere of water that will trap your enemy and suffocate them. The duration of the effect is directly proportional to mana invested.

“From the skyfins?” Rowan asked.

“Probably,” Olivia answered, rolling for the cards. Rowan declined to participate and the five cards dropped into Olivia’s lap. “Honestly, most of these cards aren’t bad. They’re just not right for us.”

Olivia was referring to cards like Vicious Lunge, Minor Aerokinesis, Hypnotizing Lure, and many more. Most of them were decent cards, but they didn’t fit in at all with Rowan’s current build or card combinations.

“Shard them?”

“Yeah, and then combine them,” Olivia said. “No point keeping them. Fuse the common ones together to make uncommons and then the uncommons into rares. If you have enough, then let’s go for some epic cards.”

Rowan found that not every card needed to be sharded. The urchins had a card that caught his eye.

Rapid Regrowth (Uncommon, Passive) x21

Regrow a minor part of your body, like hair, fur, nails, claws, or similar very quickly at the expense of your mana.

“Mind if I take the Rapid Regrowths?” Rowan asked, the card looked like a worse version of his own regeneration card. And when Olivia passed on them, Rowan immediately fused the two stacks of ten cards together, grinning like a loon at the result.

Two new copies of Persistent Regeneration stared back at Rowan. The sight of the blue rare cards was enough to temporarily blow away his bad mood. Counting the only he already had in his deck, if Rowan could get seven more copies, he’d have an epic tier regeneration card.

Finally, the Wraith actually dropped not one, not two, but three cards, much to Rowan’s delight.

Mirror Image (Rare, Active)

Create convincing mirror images of your own body around you using your mana, confusing your foes and confounding their senses.

The potential of the card was, frankly, huge. Especially for a squishy, weak back liners whose entire job was to lob curses or potions. That being said, Rowan knew how precious each slot of a person’s deck was. He placed it aside as he looked through the next two cards.

Waterlogged Gasp (Rare, Active)

Point at a foe and conjure water directly within their lungs. At the cost of continued mana consumption and keeping your focus on your enemy, you can keep up the card effect indefinitely.

Rowan could almost feel his lungs filling up again. The sensation of drowning wasn’t one he wanted to re-experience. But on a combat level, this was yet another card that could appeal to both Milena and Olivia.

Chill Touch (Rare, Active)

Channel the deadly grasp of winter into your hands, inflicting severe frost damage to any enemy you touch. The damage of this card can be scaled up through greater mana consumption.

“This seems like an upgrade to Flash Freeze,” Rowan said. If nothing else, it was a rare tier card instead of uncommon.

“Only an upgrade on paper,” Olivia replied. “I can’t use it. Even if it does more damage, it requires me to touch my opponent. I’m not exactly the type to get personal with anything I want to fight. That’s you.”

Rowan took Olivia’s teasing with a smile, which dropped a little as he got to the final entry on the list.

[Heart] Demonic Breeding (Rare) x21

“Should I just leave these for now?” Rowan asked.

Somehow, Olivia knew exactly what he was referring to. “Yeah, I don’t want to deal with them right now.”

“Sounds good.” Rowan got to summoning the other cards and turning them into shards. He happily worked away at that for a while.

“You know.” Olivia’s voice sounded next to Rowan. “You can talk to me about what’s bothering you, right?”

Rowan hesitated. “Eh, it’s not a big deal.”

“Rowan.” Olivia pulled away to look at him directly. “I’m your first party member. You’ve been there for me when I have my problems. I want to be there for you. I care about you. This isn’t anything about duty or whatever, in case you somehow misunderstand. I consider you a friend.”

“It’s my heart card.” The words tumbled out of Rowan’s mouth.

“Explain, you doofus.” Olivia groaned and actually punched him in the shoulder.

“It’s called Keen Spear, it’s the card that locked me into using just a spear.” Rowan paused and saw Olivia nod as if she already knew that. “It helps me focus better when I have a spear. It’s like everything’s clear. I know what I need to do. I get better at wielding my weapon. There’s this awareness I suddenly feel. It’s just so much better than what I can normally manage, in every way.”

Olivia put her hand on Rowan’s but didn’t speak. The silence settled on them until Rowan couldn’t bear it anymore.

“It mutes my emotions. Fear, existential dread, embarrassment.” Rowan tried to laugh it off, but Olivia was suddenly gripping his shirt sleeve. He ended with a quiet confession. “Now, I’m not really sure I can cope properly without it.”

“You know, I thought you were a natural,” Olivia muttered, bumping her head against his shoulder. “I had to train for years before I could really use my cards. There are cards that speed that process along. Nobles and wealthy fighters use them. The long-term effects are not pretty.”

Rowan considered that. “It’s my heart card. I can’t remove it. And the effect activates every time I hold a spear and I can’t use another weapon to fight.”

“You’re not using it now,” Olivia offered.

“Yeah, I’m not using it right now,” Rowan said. He felt a bit better when Olivia pressed herself into his side again.

“I’ll think of something, okay? Just promise me you’ll actually talk to me about this stuff more in the future.” Silence stretched, and Olivia grumbled. “Rowan, I need you to say the words.”

“I promise.” Rowan caved in. “I’ll talk to you.”

The two of them stayed in their spot, looking at the fire. All of their worries and fears were outside the blanket. Inside, it was just them.

When Rowan woke up in front of the fireplace the next morning with the baron’s daughter slightly drooling on his shoulder, he thought that his promise was worth it, at least a little.