Lucas stared up at the wooden beams that lined the ceiling of the dingy little room as they creaked and groaned. It was bizarre to have a roof over his head and know that there were people walking around on the floor above him. An actually inhabited building. There were even muffled voices.

The room was dark, only a thin sliver of light creeping around the gaps where the dark grey curtain covering the window wasn’t quite flush to the wall. But his eyes had adjusted after however long he’d been lying here in this bed with rough sheets, a lumpy pillow, and a mattress that didn’t feel much softer than the ground. He could make out the rough stone walls, the table by the wooden door where they’d dumped their stuff, and the shadowed silhouette of the Skycloak sitting motionless on the edge of one of the other two beds lying against the opposite wall, facing the door with her back to him.

She had her pendant clenched in her fist; she hadn’t put it away since they’d gotten here hours ago. At least, it felt like hours ago. Lucas couldn’t tell; he’d been mostly out of it during the journey over here, barely aware of his surroundings. He knew this room was somewhere in the keep, at least, and that the other skycloak, Deryk, had led them here. That much he’d registered. There’d been more talk. He hadn’t paid much attention to that, either. Just enough to understand Wick was heading out to gather information while Valerie kept watch over him.

Noise drifted in through the walls. People were working outside now, the town coming back to life. Muffled shouts, the clang of hammers on metal, the rush of pouring water. The cacophony of life.

It was all beautiful to hear, and it sent Lucas’ gut wrenching.

It should be louder than this. More voices.

Maybe a dumb thought. Thirteen people wouldn’t have added that much to the hubbub outside. But he wasn’t in the mood to logic his way out of his emotions.

A light draft stirred at the curtains and ruffled his clothes, nipping at his face with a little chill. There was no fire mana in his system; Jamie was utterly uninterested in accommodating any pyromantic antics now that there was no flaming hand requiring a portion of his attention. The monstercat was well and truly conked out.

Practising any floramancy was also inadvisable with so many people around—not that there was much plant life around in the keep to begin with—so manipulating his mana internally was his only passtime at present. He was fine with that. Circulating his pure mana was relaxing, almost meditative. Losing himself in the magical energy flowing through his soul had been a large part of what had allowed him to sleep at all when he first arrived on Aerth, and the process had only gotten better at soothing him.

And right now, his mind desperately needed soothing.

Lucas sighed and clenched his eyes shut, plunging himself back into his mana before any dark thoughts could even begin to find purchase.

Without his input, it flowed in a smooth, tranquil stream. There was a warmth to it, even absent of any fire aspect in the mana. When he’d first discovered his mana, he’d thought of it as vitality, and he thought the term still very much fit: the magical energy suffusing his pathways was life. His life.

He found himself wondering if it had always been there, or if it was something grafted onto him for the sake of the Gift. Now that he’d felt it, he couldn’t imagine not having mana in some form. There was mana in everything that lived; even beasts had their own warped approximations of mana, though he wasn’t sure those monsters could be classified as living.

What did it mean for him, spiritually, that his mana system was so undeveloped? His arms were mature now, and he was making good progress down the flanks of his body on the way to his legs—the ache of expanding pathways along his sides was like being tickled on a bruise by a bunch of sharp pins, and he’d be glad when he was done with it—but he wondered what implications that had, considering how the soul seemed to be tied to one’s existence.

Did it mean his arms and sides were more real than the rest of him, right now? If he ended up overwhelmed by chaos, would his arms be the last part of him to change, attached to a warped, quasi-beast body? There was no obvious way to answer that question, at least to him, but it was interesting to think about, in a morbid way.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Valerie’s soft voice jolted him out of his reverie. Lucas blinked back to awareness, taking in his surroundings, briefly confused. After a moment, he recognised the wooden roof, stone walls, and dark grey curtains letting in a little light. Their room in the keep. Right.

Lucas sighed. “Not particularly, no.”

“It’s important not to let your emotions fester. They can infect you worse than any wound,” Valerie said. “Part of my role as a member of the Order is to listen to your troubles and offer advice. Despite what some may think, the heroes are only human. They—you—feel just as strongly as anyone else; you’re not invincible. Lord James and Lord Rian showed that.”

Lucas looked at her from the corner of his eye. She was still facing away, her pendant clutched in one raised fist like she was resisting the temptation to bash herself in the face with it. She hadn’t even removed her armour. “You don’t look like you’re feeling much better than I am.”

“My mental health is not the concern here.”

“Isn’t it?” Lucas frowned. “Maybe, after all I’ve seen, it would ease my mind to know your mind is at ease.”

There was a moment of silence. “I really have left a poor impression on you, haven’t I?”

Lucas hesitated. “I think you mean well; you want to save the people of Aerth more than anything. It doesn’t feel like there’s a selfish bone in your body. You’re all practicality, laser-focued on the goal. But I think you’ve developed a very low tolerance for anyone who gets in the way of Aerth’s salvation.” He huffed a mirthless laugh. “There’s probably good reasons for that. It frustrated me when people wouldn’t put their petty grievances aside for something as low stakes as a game of rugby in school. I can’t imagine how infuriating it must be to see people obstructing the path to saving the world.”

“Unfortunately,” Valerie said, “you will probably face it yourself, in due time.”

“And at that point, I’ll be able to empathise with how… angry you get about it all.”

“I rather doubt that,” Valerie said in a slightly strangled tone. She slipped her pendant beneath her cloak, then turned in place to look at him with eyes that glowed faintly white in the dark. “Currently, I am distressed about the situation in Harwyck and how powerless I am to affect it. I deeply wish to fight to protect the city, but I am having to face the fact that I cannot. You won’t like to hear this, but I must be clear: you are a far higher priority than one city, even if it means a massive expansion of the Blighted Lands.”

Lucas stared at her. “Not a fan of that kind of talk.”

“It’s reality,” Valerie said. “I do not like turning my back on hundreds of thousands of people for the sake of one man, but a dark future beckons if you were to die. The power you wield is quite likely Aerth’s last hope. We must forge on to Dawnguard as soon as possible and get you to safety, before Harwyckshire becomes too dangerous to travel.”

Lucas sat up. “You want us to just leave? After everything?”

“I recognise that we have to.”

“That’s… I caused this. I fucking flung a beast right into the midst of their town, which distracted them from their gates long enough for who knows how many more to get in. People died because of my reckless fucking stupidity. I can’t just ignore that and leave without doing anything.”

Valerie’s lips thinned. “I understand your grief, and self-recrimination is completely natural in a situation where lives have been lost. But no one could have reasonably expected this outcome from your unconventional defence of Elwyn’s farm. Are you going to chastise yourself for protecting innocents?”

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“At the cost of other innocents,” Lucas said.

“This wasn’t a sacrifice, throwing away the lives of these townsfolk in payment for the safety of those you were protecting. It was an extremely unfortunate accident. You didn’t weigh up their lives, this wasn’t a choice you made.”

“I know that. I do. But does that matter to the families of the people who got torn apart by a beast?” Lucas’ heartbeat was hammering in his head. The room felt too small, the walls closing in, the ceiling dropping. “Will knowing it was a mistake comfort the folk who now have to wonder if their home is truly safe? It sure as hell doesn’t make me feel better.”

“If you intend to tell them,” Valerie said slowly, “I warn you I may have to take drastic measures. Please don’t.”

Lucas blinked, shocked out of his dark thoughts like he’d been slapped. “What?”

Valerie didn’t reply, just staring at him. Were her eyes brighter?

“I won’t let you hurt anyone. I’ll order you not to, even,” Lucas said, suddenly a little panicked.

“It is my duty to protect you from danger, and that doesn’t change if the danger posed comes from yourself,” Valerie said, levelling a steady gaze on him. “While I will generally accommodate your wishes as much as is reasonably possible, I’m afraid I can’t allow you to potentially enrage a crowd of frightened people against yourself.”

“That’s… I get it, but I don’t want to just sit back and pretend I had nothing to do with what happened here,” Lucas said.

“There are ways you can do that which don’t involve inciting the ire of the townsfolk,” Valerie said evenly. Her expression darkened, lips pulling down. “Keep in mind that if you do earn enough hostility that violence is directed towards you, I will protect you.”

Lucas swallowed. “Fine. Not exactly like I was planning to go shouting it from the rooftops anyway,” he muttered. Then, louder, “But I don’t want to leave without trying to help these people at least a little bit. If you think it's too dangerous I'll listen to you, but I'd like to do something if I can.”

“We were going to stay the night and leave in the morning regardless. If you wish to offer our assistance during that time, we can do so. Discreetly.”

“Maybe we can bring people to Dawnguard with us? I bet a lot more people will want to leave now, but might not feel safe unless they have a bigger group.”

Valerie was quiet for a moment, and her gaze started to drift before snapping back to him. She shook her head. “The risk of exposing your identity is too high.”

“I’ll be careful,” Lucas said quickly. “I won’t say a fucking word in earshot of anyone but you and Wick for the entire trip.” He leaned forward. “We know there’s beasts prowling the countryside. Won’t it be safer for me if we have more people to protect me?”

“Few of those desiring to evacuate would be warriors.”

“They’d still be bodies between me and a beast,” Lucas murmured, feeling disgusted at himself for even saying it.

“I do not believe for a moment that you would allow a civilian to die in your place.”

“Valerie. Come on. You want to help these people to safety. Be both know it.”

Valerie closed her eyes. “What I want is an insignificant factor in this equation.”

“Uh, no? I think what you want is pretty important here.”

“The needs of the world take precedence over my desires. If every member of the Order went around following their every whim, we would have fallen to the Demon Lord long ago. The greater good comes first.”

Lucas’ shoulders slumped. “I was a normal guy living a normal life less than two months ago, but I know enough to know that this kind of talk can lead to bad places. How do you know what the greater good even is?”

“I’m fairly confident that prioritising the survival of all life on the planet constitutes the greater good.”

“Was that snark?” Lucas asked, staring at her. Her face was serene.

“I have learned that talking back to the Great Heroes doesn’t pay well, so no,” she said. She opened her eyes and stared dully at him. “Are you going to listen to me on this matter?”

“Yeah, actually. It was just a whim, anyway. Trying to make up for my mistake in a tangible way, I guess,” Lucas said with a sigh. He let himself drop back onto his lumpy mattress, holding his hands up before his eyes, their silhouette barely visible in the scant light. “Not exactly feeling like taking matters into my own hands right now. If you’re not on board, then fine. That’s that.”

Valerie was quiet for long enough that Lucas looked up again, and found her staring at her armoured hands, her eyes distant.

“Valerie?”

“My goal, ultimately, is the salvation of the people of Aerth,” Valerie said. “As many of them as possible.”

An ember of hope lit in Lucas’ chest. He sat up.

“I despise the idea of leaving people in peril out here, of turning away from Harwyck and leaving it to collapse when I know my presence could make a difference. But I must. The stakes are too high.” Valerie turned her eyes to him, every other part of her utterly still. “We will assess the situation in Taunton tonight and see what help we can safely offer. At the same time, I will be investigating the people here. If I find anyone I believe will be able to offer you genuine protection or assistance, I will then evaluate the likelihood of them discovering your identity, and whether they would react with hostility if they did. If the chances of the latter two are too high, I will dismiss them from consideration. This is the best I’m willing to offer.”

“I’ll take that,” Lucas said. It was better than nothing.

“It may be that I deem no one suitable. If that turns out to be the case, will you accept it?”

“Yeah. I’ll have to.”

“You would need to be circumspect with your magic,” Valerie said. “Perhaps only practising pyromancy. Our training would slow down, too.”

“I can deal. There are other things I can be working on with my mana. I’ve got ideas.”

“Ideas,” Valerie repeated, eyeing him suspiciously.

“Yeah. Nothing dangerous. I’ve wanted to see if I can unlock other branches of magic on my own for a while now.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it.” She let out a long breath that wasn’t quite a sigh, but hinted at exasperation all the same. “In return for this, you’ll put any thoughts of confessing to your guilt out of your mind.”

“I wasn't really planning to go confessing to anyone. That was just guilty rambling." He paused. "I don’t have to just sit around and wait until we’re ready to move on?”

“I have few objections to that, so long as you agree to be discreet in your interactions with the locals and stay close to me.”

Lucas nodded quickly and shot to his feet. He was ready to get straight out there, to try and redeem himself in whatever little way he could, but heavy footsteps echoed from outside their door before he could even get to his feet. They got steadily louder until they reached the door, and then came a light knock. Valerie rose to answer, swinging the door aside to allow entry for Wick.

The shieldmaster had to duck beneath the doorframe, and stayed a little stooped in the room proper. His gaze flicked between them a few times, then to the closed curtains, before finally coming to rest on Valerie. “I sense tension,” he said with a glare at the Skycloak, apparently assuming she was the obvious source of any discontent.

“We’ve been discussing our immediate plans for the future,” Valerie said.

“I assume we’re not moving out immediately?” Wick asked.

“We’ll leave tomorrow, and see what we can do to help in the meantime,” Valerie said. “I’ll be seeking trustworthy companions to accompany us to Dawnguard.”

“Generous,” Wick said, heavy with the implication that was unusual for her.

“A compromise,” Valerie said. “Lucas wished to do something for the people.”

Wick turned his gaze to Lucas. “Feeling responsible, lad?”

“Yeah,” Lucas said softly with a shrug. “No way I can fully make amends for this, but I’ve gotta do something.”

“I know the feeling.” Wick let out a tired breath as he lowered himself onto his bed, still armoured. It groaned under his weight, and the man was almost as tall as Lucas even seated. Lucas comforted himself that the bed frames were fairly high. “Rare is the occasion where a shield can protect everyone; for the most part, you can only put yourself between danger and your charge and hope it’s enough. And there are times when protecting one person means condemning another, even if it isn’t initially clear that’s the case. That’s the life of a defender.”

“What about those times when your defence directly leads to hurting someone else?” Lucas asked, almost desperate for a comforting answer.

“That’s the life of a defender,” Wick repeated. “You can’t save everyone. I’ve learned that all too well, in recent times.” He reached across the gap between their beds and lay his hand on Lucas’ shoulder. “But you keep doing the best you can, saving as many people as you can. Walls get knocked down all the time, but they can always be rebuilt. With new stones, if need be, and with the knowledge of how to do it better.”

Lucas dredged up a watery smile. “Thanks, Wick.”

“Don’t mention it, lad.”

Lucas nodded. He looked at Valerie. “Can we get started?”