May 5, 1509

The smell is really bad, but it’s normal now. Decay is normal.

Different types of putridness that I'm slowly becoming accustomed to. Sitting in the abandoned ruins, with a thriving village not too far away in the distance. It feels comfortable in the dark, the only comfort I can feel now.

Huddled in this crevice. Stone beams, set millennia ago, towers over the area. One could barely tell they were made of stone as they were covered almost completely by vegetation. Pockets of light rained into the dome, onto the muddy floor. I stare at the sunlight reflecting over the tiny puddles. The light reflects into my eyes, and the pain hits through my eyes into my brain. I quickly look away back into the darkness.

The wind blows gently and then loudly through the pillars. Bits of sand and leaves float in the wind. The clouds are lifting and the sunlight injects itself into my small world. 

I still remember a time when this light made me happy, a feeling of warmth and hope. I can still have those memories, I can still feel its warmth; I don’t deserve that type of sensation. They have become hot coals.

As the time passes, light finds its way onto my arm. I pull away my rags so the light can touch me.

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“Punish me.”

I would have been pale white, but darker now, from the dirt on my body. I wiped away a spot of dirt on my arm and held it up to where the light was shining. As a faint burning smell starts emanating from my arm, I am reminded of the past. A past I don’t wish to visit anymore.

Despite the searing sensation, I still enjoy the sunlight as I did many years ago, although now, it punishes me for trying to. It hurts, but it made me feel alive, like a living being. It was not painful at one point, but now, it melts my flesh. 

I pull away from the light. An undetectable sensation of relief comes and goes as a scab slowly forms. My vision sways a bit and becomes extremely light headed. After a few moments, my vision and mental clarity return. 

“Please don’t do this to me now, not now, I don’t want to remember.”

I’m welled up with tears. As the tears roll into my lips, I spit out the blood.

“Let me go…” I faintly said. 

I repositioned myself to face the dirt wall. With two stone walls on the side, I feel like I need to rest and this place is… okay….

I am fatigued, and it has been getting worse. I never caught on to it until recently, when it started being easy to fall asleep. It felt good to sleep so soundly, and something feeling good was actually what alerted me. Something was wrong, something wasn't right. I suppose I look even more emancipated than usual, looking more like a mummified creature at this point. My entire body hurts, but that's been getting normal to me. Perhaps I’m finally dying.

Am I finally going to escape this misery? 

“What is this?” I whispered.

“Is this fear I feel? The fear of… death?”

This sudden fear flickered away like the light on a candle on a windy night. I become confused; I’m bewildered by the sudden emergence of melancholy. On one hand, there is relief, but then the other, I’m not sure. Rather, I don’t want to think about it.

I snap back to my usual senses.

“If I’m dying, I’m glad it’s finally happening”

I smile for the first time in a long time, resting my tired eyes.