I haven’t been the most positive person lately. It may be the appearance that I’ve been trying to give off to others but on the inside, I’m wasting away. Ever since returning from that island I’ve been staying in the Sacrosanct Empire, trying to help my wife, Gwendolyn, recover.
A man who called himself God tortured her, every day drowning her until she was almost dead and then bringing her back. It was a vicious cycle that I wish more than anything I could have stopped sooner.
I can’t help but get angry when I think about it… but all that anger is useless now. God got what he had coming to him and now he’ll be the one suffering. But what he has done to Gwendolyn won’t go away. Since she left, she’s been unresponsive, staring off into space at nothing for most of her days. I swear sometimes when I’m not looking I can see her smiling at me in my peripheral vision but when I look directly at her, I can tell it’s just my eyes playing tricks on me.
None of this has been easy, it's been many months since we left and for many of them I couldn’t suppress my crying, the harsh truth is if I was stronger, if I could have done more, then this would have never happened to her. Everyone has told me not to think like that. That line of thinking is detrimental but I cannot stop my mind from going down that path.
We ended up in the Sacrosanct Empire to find help and we did, luckily enough I found a specialist who told me what I needed to do. He suggested I start a routine with Gwendolyn, one that will get her accustomed to everyday life again, saying it will be her new normal. But it's been months now and she hasn’t improved despite all my effort.
Since then I’ve followed the same routine. I make her breakfast before I wake her up. After we eat, we run a few laps around the outside of the capital city’s walls. After that, we shower and I prepare lunch. Once that is done, I take her out and walk around the city.
That part of our day has gotten more lively lately. Thanks to Maximus a lot of our adventures are common knowledge to the people here so Gwendolyn and I have become rather famous.
Every day, at least someone recognizes us and approaches us. But their first question is always what is wrong with Gwendolyn… each time I have to tell them what happened... it hurts. Sometimes the kinder ones stop me and tell me I don’t have to finish.
There are a few people we run into regularly, knowing what I’m going through they encourage me and give us free food sometimes. Ever since Drakthar, Kayde, Kali, and Lunette left I’ve felt so alone but the words of these people help keep me going.
Once we get home, I make her dinner, I try to tell her about current events while at the table. But it seems pointless because she never responds. Sometimes I start to tell her how I’ve been feeling, I always feel so guilty after… I’m terrible for even saying anything, especially to her.
Anyway, today will be a little different, the two of us have been invited over by the king, Oswald, an old friend of ours, for dinner.
When we arrive two guards immediately greet us, “Xander, Gwendolyn, we were expecting your arrival, please follow us, his majesty is waiting for you”.
I lead Gwendolyn forward through the lavish halls of Oswald’s mansion. Eventually finding ourselves in the dining room where I notice Oswald, Avesa, and Alwin standing around the table.
“I’m glad you could join us. I’ve been trying to put this together for a while but I’ve been too busy lately,” Oswald greets the two of us.
“Don’t worry about it, you’re the king after all,” I respond as I help Gwendolyn into her seat before sitting down next to her.
“How is she doing?” He brings up the elephant in the room.
“Better... I think, at least that is what the specialist said when I went to visit him recently,” I respond, even though I don’t really see it myself.
“What about you? How is empire life? Can’t be easy managing all of it,” I change the subject, I really don’t want to talk about Gwendolyn right now. It’s all I ever get to talk or think about these days.
“It certainly keeps me busy but we are accomplishing a lot. There is much to change because of the years of damage Alexandros and the Purity caused. It isn’t easy but we are working through it,” he explains, he seems hopeful about it so that’s good.
“You shouldn’t be so modest my liege. All of these things are being accomplished because of you,” Avesa interrupts, trying to get Oswald to take more of the credit.
“We’ve all been working hard, it’s not just me,” Oswald humbly states.
“Yes, but there are some of us that do much less than others,” I catch Avesa shooting Alwin a look as she says this.
“What? I need my nap time,” Alwin counters with his usual response, a wry smile appearing on his face.
“You two can drop the act, you don’t have to keep things like this just because Xander and Gwendolyn are here,” Oswald tells the other two.
“I haven’t the slightest clue of what you are talking about my liege,” Avesa’s face starts to turn red as she denies whatever Oswald is trying to imply.
“Come on Avesa, you know. You two can stop the: you hate each other act. Everyone in the Empire knows about how you feel for one another,” Oswald doesn’t hesitate in outing them. So Avesa and Alwin eh, I have to say I didn’t see this one coming.
As Avesa’s face grows redder and she stammers to find a response I hear a chuckle from beside me. Everyone stops and looks over at the source of it. We see Gwendolyn giggling for a moment before going back to normal.
“Gwendolyn? Did you just laugh?” I ask her, this could be it. She could finally be back, I hope as I wait for a response but one doesn’t come. Only for that moment was she different.
“This is the first time she laughed like that,” I note soberly as I look down at my food.
“Great, so all we need to do is tease Avesa a little more and we’ll have the old Gwendolyn back in no time,” Alwin jokes much to Avesa’s dismay.
“That is enough out of you,” Avesa protests, not looking to be further embarrassed.
We go back to eating, Alwin even managing to fall asleep partway through. I guess the other two are still used to this because neither of them comments on it as we continue to eat.
“I’ve got it!” Alwin’s head shoots upright as he awakens.
“Could you not yell at the dinner table?” Avesa nags him, giving me a better picture of how their relationship must be now that I’m seeing how they talk to each other.
“Sure, sure, loosen up Avesa, I have a good idea,” Alwin responds as he rummages around inside his bag.
He pulls out a ring, I recognize it as one of Lunette’s inventions that allows the wearer to change their appearance to the one programmed inside of the ring. It isn’t until he slips it on do I remember that the one he was given makes him look exactly like Gwendolyn.
“What are you doing?” I ask as he starts walking over to me.
“Just give me a moment,” he responds as he goes right up to Gwendolyn.
“You should be more like me. See I’m engaging in conversation. You could do the same thing,” he tells her, this is kind of a stupid idea now that I’m watching him.
My confusion only grows as he turns and grabs a hold of my chin so Gwendolyn can see.
“You could engage physically as well,” he tells her as he moves his mouth closer to mine.
Just as his lips are about to touch mine I back up and exclaim, “That’s enough!” Only after I said it do I realize Avesa said the same thing at the same time causing both Oswald and Alwin to laugh.
“You really need to get rid of that,” I urge Alwin as he continues to chuckle.
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“Nah, it has its uses, maybe it helped,” he disagrees, bringing our attention back towards Gwendolyn. She looks angry and she’s glaring at Alwin disguised as herself.
Alwin takes the ring off and backs away as Oswald comments, “Looks like she reacted to that. She didn’t like what you were doing there”.
“See I knew it would help,” Alwin notes as he sits back down.
He tries a couple more things to get a reaction out of Gwendolyn but to no avail. The night ends and I say my goodbyes before bringing Gwendolyn back home.
“You got jealous when you saw what Alwin tried to do tonight. It made me realize that maybe I’ve been neglecting some things since we came here. The doctor did say to try to treat you as I would normally,” I tell her.
I lean in kissing her earnestly for the first time in a long time, everything else to this point had just been light pecks or kisses on the forehead. This time I linger, kissing her as I used to before all of this, the way I know she is fond of.
As I back away I see her face is flush, a longing glance directed towards me.
“I should have been treating you this way the whole time. I’m sorry,” I apologize to her as I kiss her again, trying to almost make her return to normal with my mouth. But aside from the longing glance, there’s nothing, she still doesn’t say a word, quickly returning to normal if I stop kissing her.
It’s been a couple of weeks since I had dinner with Oswald, Avesa, and Alwin. Since then I’ve been trying different things to try and get a reaction out of Gwendolyn. As the things I try keep failing I find myself falling back into my negative mindset.
I start to ponder if this is the best she can get and if so how will I be able to keep living like this for the rest of my life? The more I think about it the more I end up hating myself. I wish I could believe everything is going to work out but I’m not that kind of person.
As I woke up this morning I had an idea. I thought about how I first won Gwendolyn over, I wrote her this really embarrassing poem, it was terribly written but she loved it so maybe if I write another one it might help.
I brainstorm what the lines should be while we go about our routine, I have most of it down by the end of lunch but it seems so depressing. I guess this is all I do write because all I’ve been is depressed lately.
As we go on our walk around the city after lunch a woman who runs a stand that sells different types of bread stops me, “Xander, come over here for a second”. This woman has always been kind to us, giving us bread whenever we pass by.
“I want you to meet my daughter, she’s a part of the military and she just got home after her latest assignment,” the woman smiles, pushing the young woman next to her forwards.
“Hello, I’m Lara. It’s nice to meet you. My mom is always talking about how she’s friends with a celebrity,” she says anxiously.
Sometimes people get nervous talking to us. I guess it’s because we are famous, I don’t really get why. We’re really just like them when it comes down to it.
“Nice to meet you, Lara, I’m Xander and this is Gwendolyn,” I introduce ourselves to her.
“Wow, you are right mom, they’re so beautiful,” she lets out, immediately covering her mouth in embarrassment after saying it.
Her mom starts to laugh, “It’s okay honey, I think he hears that a lot”.
“Yeah, more than I should. Well, it was nice to meet you, your mother is a very kind woman, you're lucky to have her,” I say as I prepare to continue on our walk.
“Hold on a second there Xander, you take this. It’ll be my baking that helps Gwendolyn snap out of it. I can assure you that,” she tells me as she hands me the usual assortment of baked goods.
“Thank you so much, I hope so,” I smile at her, causing her daughter’s face to go bright red and the woman to chuckle. Maybe I shouldn’t have smiled, I guess I’ve always had this effect on women or some of them at least.
I focus back on the lines of my poem before we finally make it back home. I sit at the table with Gwendolyn as I scribble down onto parchment the words I had so carefully crafted in my head.
After many revisions I decide on the final version, I’ll read it to her after we finish with dinner. Eating takes way more time than it normally does, although I guess that makes sense when I’m anticipating this so much.
Finally, I pull out the piece of parchment and tell her, “I wrote you a poem. I thought because of how we got together this might help. Anyway, I’m just going to read it”.
I brace myself before I begin, “Every morning I hope to see your smile. That thing that reminds me loving you is worthwhile. I would care for you for all my life, But seeing you like this is as if my heart is being pierced by a knife. I would give anything to go back, To that island before your mind went black. I would shield you from all danger, Caused by any delusional stranger. But no matter how hard I try I can’t go back that far in the past, so for now in my efforts I must remain steadfast. I promise that our love will pull through, And in the end I will be able to heal you”.
“I’m sorry I know that was bad, I’m not really good at these things,” I already apologize before anything else, hearing it out loud making me realize how cheesy it is. I finally look at her and notice a single tear falling from her left eye, soon more start to join them until her face is covered.
I grab ahold of her, bringing her close to me as I apologize, “I’m sorry, the poem wasn’t supposed to make you cry. I messed up, I’m sorry”. As I continue to apologize I realize I’m crying too. These days I guess that’s nothing new.
I hold her until I notice she’s fallen asleep. I make sure to clean her face before laying her down in bed. No one should ever feel good about making the woman they love cry… but in my case at least she reacted which means progress.
The next day, I try to think of more things I can do to get a reaction out of her but there’s nothing. I’m too in my own head to hear the woman with the bread stand call out to me. I only realize I’m passing by there when she thumps me over the head.
“Not trying to ignore me now are you?” She asks as I look down at her.
“No, sorry, I was just lost in thought,” I admit to her.
“How was the stuff I gave you last time?” She asks me, eager for criticism.
“I only had half of it but the stuff I had was good, especially the scones,” I respond with a nervous grin.
“Good, I’ve got some more for ya, Lara helped me with these so they might not be as good,” she jokes as she hands them to me.
“Mom!” Lara reacts from behind her.
“Don’t worry about it, military women shouldn’t know how to bake,” the woman chuckles.
“You know I used to be a part of the military too, the man who raised me was Commander Waltz so I’m used to that lifestyle,” I note, trying to find common ground to make her feel more comfortable.
“I know that. Everyone knows about Commander Waltz… and you,” she tells me.
“I guess it would make sense that everyone in the military would know him. He was too smart, probably the best military mind I ever met,” I try and recall, I can’t say he’s the smartest though after crossing paths with the Scientist and Lunette.
“I wanted to ask you how you met Gwendolyn?” She asks me out of nowhere. It’s an odd request but I answer her, telling her the story of the battle against the sand raiders before making it to her saving me and the others in the battle with the Iron Legion.
I notice as I’m telling her this story Gwendolyn is looking at me, almost if she is following along as well. This gives me an idea. If she was listening, maybe it would be good to try reminiscing with her, maybe old memories could help.
I thank the women for the baked goods before heading back to our house.
I snack on a few of them as I talk to Gwendolyn, “I think tonight I’m going to tell you our story. Well at least from my point of view. I thought it might help”.
After dinner, I start to recap everything that has happened between us from my perspective, from the first time we ever met to the time we spent together in the airship before I lost her at the battle against the Cult of Chaos at that tower in the mountains.
I mentioned finding her again in the future in the tunnels below the Black Sun Empire’s Castle. Glossing over the stuff that happened between us and Cenred, I mention the incident we had in that closet and the net we ended up getting trapped in on our trip to the Marshlands.
I tell her when I bought her engagement ring before heading off to the Sacrosanct. I make sure to thank her for saving me and how I thought in that plaza, we walk through every day now, that I would probably never see her again. I find myself crying a little at that part but I notice she is listening intently so I continue on.
There was our victory in the Sacrosanct Empire that made everything we did here worth it and soon after came our wedding. I don’t think I’ve really been happy since then. After that, we fought that dragon and fell beneath the sands.
I went insane and had these crazy nightmares… wait… “You’ve already done this for me once, haven’t you? I was lost and you were able to bring me back. You succeeded where I’m failing miserably,” I find myself telling her, realizing these two situations are not all too different.
“Then down there we were separated, that happened to us too much. That talking distortion, Dark Star, he summoned that monster and those portals… we ended up going through different ones… I stopped time to try to get to you but I couldn’t. I failed again as I am now,” I stop myself, trying not to sound so negative.
“When I found you… it was already too late. You were already like this. I tried to defeat him for you but I couldn’t even manage that… everyone else had to come in and save me. Then we ended up here. I know this isn’t what either of us expected married living to be like... but here we are,” I try to force myself to laugh but only end up crying.
Through the tears I start to realize, “I guess when I hear it all out loud our story is one big tragedy, falling so deeply in love only to end up like this. What would you be doing now if I didn’t intrude into your life? If I never approached you after that caravan battle? If I never gave you that necklace or wrote you that poem? You would be safe, living happily on your airship with your father, leading the Silent Brotherhood like you were meant to. I screwed all of that up, I ruined your life. I should have left you alone instead of dragging you into all of this”.
I stop talking as my sobbing intensifies. I can’t bear this any longer, it hurts too much, now that I’ve said it I can’t stop thinking about it. I should have just left her alone. I try to wipe the tears from my face, as I do I notice something. Her lips are moving, what… what is she trying to say? I stop as if I were frozen in time as I hear her utter the word, “Idiot”.