Canute Larsen POV
I stared at the sunset that painted the sky in shades of orange and pink. The last light of the day bled into the grey-ish fog of the early summer evening, casting a warm, filtered glow over everything.
Tomorrow is the day my high school life finally ends. The graduation ceremony was just above the horizon. Yet, despite the liberating sensation all I could think about was how I came second in my class.
Second place. Only one mark short of first.
I am not brooding about it, no. As a matter of fact, I am very satisfied with it.
However, I currently have something else that has become a constant itch in my ass.
The top spot went to Olivia; the girl I'd been crushing on since the start of high school. I always told myself that I'd confess my feelings to her when I finally outscored her. I thought it would be a grand gesture, proving my worth or something like that.
That was the general gist of my line of thought.
But now, it seemed like a silly, impossible dream. With one stupid mark, my entire plan had crumbled. God damn it!
Turning away from the damp window, I sighed and plopped down on my bed, but the unease wouldn't let me stay still.
My mind was racing, thinking about tomorrow... thinking about her.
GRAH! TO HELL WITH IT!
I got up and walked to my desk, the soft light of the evening filtering in through the window. A brief respite after it finally stopped raining.
Only sparing the beautiful weather a fleeting glance, I sat down on my chair and opened my laptop, ready to type an email to her.
Is this too old fashioned? Then again, would she really be willing to give me her number... ? I mean, maybe she would, but will I take the chances?
Of course, I did have her number but contacting it directly would make me look like a creep. Maybe...no, most likely.
God bless the emails! We have worked on projects before – quite a few of them – and during that, we were given each other's emails.
Alright, back to the present. Maybe it is still not too late. Maybe I can still tell her how I feel.
"Hi Olivia, I just wanted to say-"
"Ew, who are you again?"
Okay.. Maybe it wouldn't go all that well-
NO! I need to stop being a wimp! I have to tell her how I feel...
Can't be a lame bitch all my life... right?!
The confidence somewhat faltered as I typed in the recipient email address.
I hesitated, fingers hovering over the keyboard as I typed something on a keyboard made out of pure air.
It just struck me, but what would I even say?
"Hey, Olivia. Congrats on being the smartest person in school! By the way, I've had a crush on you for years."
Yeah, right. That sounded so lame, even in my head. God forbid, I don't even want to hear it out loud.
The room was quiet, the only sound was the slight hum of my laptop and the occasional chirp of crickets outside. Gaming laptops, man. A whole ass power generating turbine would generate less noise than the cooling fan in this.
...I shouldn't be taking out my anger at my own patheticness on my laptop. It's even more pathetic! I wanna cry...
As I sprawled for a moment on my desk, slightly pushing the lappy away, I thought back to all the times I'd watched Olivia from afar; her laugh, her smile, the way she always seemed so focused and determined.
She was perfect, and I was just... me.
Don't get me wrong, I am not average and I am self-aware about that. Even amongst a grade filled with handsome hunks, I held my place pretty nicely. However, that didn't change the fact that I was a guy who couldn't even muster the courage to tell her how he felt.
I closed my eyes, trying to calm the storm of thoughts swirling in my head.
Maybe if I started typing, the words would come. Yeah... I think I should do that.
---
{{Subject:}} Just Wanted to Say...
Dear Olivia,
...
...
I stared at the blinking cursor, feeling like it was mocking me. How could a simple email be so hard to write?
I leaned back in my chair, running a hand through my brown hair. The memories of the past few years flooded my mind. Every group project, every study session, every awkward attempt at small talk.
There was that one time in sophomore year when we were paired up for a biology project. I remember how nervous I was; stumbling over my words, and how she would just smile and make everything seem so easy.
It's not like we are strangers to each other. However, that is exactly why it's so hard.
I might lose it all. It would've been easy if he had just interacted one or two times and never become acquaintances.
We have spent a little time together, talking about things from schoolwork to our favourite movies. It was the first time I felt like I was treating someone as not just another classmate I had to beat to climb the ladder that led to the top.
I shook my head, snapping back to the present.
Focus Canute! I gave myself a mental jolt.
This email wasn't going to write itself. I took a deep breath and started typing again.
---
{{Subject:}} Just Wanted to Say...
Dear Olivia,
I know this might seem out of the blue, but I've been meaning to tell you something for a while now.
I have and still admire you. Not just because you have helped me with my homework a few times – that would be mean of me, hehe – but also for the light you have recently brought into my life, if you get what I mean... You're amazing, honestly; and I've had a crush on you for as long as I can remember.
---
I paused, rereading the words.
It felt strange to see my feelings laid out so plainly. But it was the truth. I'd spent so long hiding it, maybe it was time to be honest, even if it scared me.
I heard a car drive by outside, some of the light from its headlights briefly illuminating my modestly lit room.
The soft breeze through the open window rustled the curtains, filling the place with a refreshing smell of freshly watered grass, petrichor—the scent of earth after rain—and blooming flowers.
It was going to be a peaceful night, but my mind was anything but.
---
I know we're graduating tomorrow, and I don't want to regret not telling you how I feel given how you have a totally different career choice than me and we possibly won't be able to see each other again for the foreseeable future.
Even if you don't feel the same way, I needed you to know. You've been such an important part of –not only my school life – but everything related to me in general, and I'm grateful for all the memories we've shared.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
I have never experienced such competitiveness as I did with you. You pushed me right over the cusp of what I had thought was my limit.
---
I stopped again, feeling a lump in my throat.
It was harder than I thought it would be. I wanted to say so much more, but the words just wouldn't come. I closed my eyes, picturing her face. It gave me the motivation to keep going.
---
No matter what happens, I wish you all the best in everything you do. You deserve all the success in the world, and so much more. Always holding you close in my prayers.
Sincerely;
Canute.
---
I stared at the email, cursor hovering over the send button and my finger trembling over the left button of the trackpad.
My heart was pounding in my chest.
What if she laughed? What if she didn't respond at all? I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump but terrified of the fall.
Ok, ok, now is not the time to overthink this stuff!
I can't live with the what-ifs anymore. I need to take the leap. I need to know. YES! That's the spirit, Canute! You're gonna crush this confession and have a happy ever-after!
With a deep breath, I clicked send.
The email disappeared suddenly, leaving me staring at the screen, feeling a strange mix of relief and dread.
No turning back now. Whatever happened, I had finally told her how I felt.
I closed my laptop and sat back, letting out a long sigh.
My environment, the night – that felt so alive and abuzz a while ago – was quiet again.
Only sound that filtered through the walls and slightly open window was the distant hum of traffic and the soft rustle of leaves in the breeze.
I felt a strange calm settle over me, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Tomorrow was graduation. I do not know what the future holds, but at least I have taken this step. For the first time in a long time, I can feel a glimmer of hope.
I laid back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.
I couldn't help but smile gingerly at the thought of me being such a little shit.
It was kind of hypocritical you see, because I used to call older people "kiddos" and say dumb things like:
"Are you a pubescent teen? Can you wipe your ass properly?"
The internet is a great place, but not for me.
Karma really comes back to bite you in the rear, huh?
But hey, you never know. Maybe things would turn out okay after all. My momma used to say to never lose hope until the very end. Even after you fail; just strive to make it work again.
If she was alive, she would've been proud of me for this development.
I tried to picture her, but couldn't really do it. It has been years, and I was a little kid. All I remember are a few words of guidance from her.
As if I could kick the veil of melancholy that was descending on me, I threw my feet and picked my phone up. Removing it from the 'do not disturb' mode, I started to make my way downstairs.
Dad will be home soon. I should cook something for him.
He's been sick recently.
Hmm~ Fiskesuppe sounds exactly like the thing I should go for.
Fiskesuppe is a popular fish soup characterised by its creamy texture and buttery flavour. In simple words, it is a comfort dish which appears in many regional and seasonal versions.
Usually, it's made with various types of fish, shellfish, and, or root vegetables, cooked in a rich broth with butter, milk, and cream.
Mama mia~ I am hungry now as well~
Once I was downstairs, I looked into the fridge for the final dressings. Since before serving, Fiskesuppe is seasoned with a variety of fresh herbs and a drizzle of tangy lemon juice.
There are still some leftovers of rotisserie chicken left in the fridge and some Filipino red hotdogs. Hmm. Maybe I should just throw them in a tortilla and call it a day...
...hehe, let's do that.
Taking the phone out of my pocket and placing it on the counter before starting to wash and prep the fish for the soup.
For the veggies, I included potatoes, carrots, and leek.
Picking up the knife, I flipped it once and let it land on the chopping board vertically, tip digging into the board.
I bought Nick DiGiovanni's knife drop book after all. Heh, nevermind that.
Picking it up, I started to chop the vegetables into thin strips. Traditional is the way to go. You can still chop it into cubes but that takes longer to cook. If you have too much time on your hands and like big chunks in your soup, go for it.
After that, I picked up the fish and patted it dry. Dad has been struggling recently so we are using salmon. I prefer Cod though, but eh, this works as well. Complaining is a sin.
Once they were combined in a single pot, I mixed sour cream and crème fraiche. Although it is said that the latter is just an extravagant addition which is totally unnecessary.
Fuck those people. No sense of taste.
While it was cooking, I scrolled through my feed. I swear to any God that is out there, if I see another 'Skibiddi Ohio Rizz' video, I might unalive myself. No, not 'might,' I 'will' unalive myself.
Pressing the 'do not recommend' button for the millionth time, I started scrolling again. Social media apps are very quick on the uptake when you search for something, putting those things in your feed, but they can't pick up a pattern on what a person dislikes.
Geez.
Once the soup had the perfect consistency, I looked at the clock. Dad was about to come in around 10 minutes. The piping hot soup would be just the right temperature when he arrives.
You see, my dad likes guzzling food down his gullet as soon as he arrives. Can't blame him, his job is tough. It pays well, but it's tough.
Anyways, I poured the soup into the two plates and then garnished them with chopped chives and dill.
Following that, the rest of 10 minutes went by cooking the red sausages in the air fryer and reheating the chicken before adding them into the tortilla along with a leaf of lettuce, a slice of plastic- I mean, American cheese, and some hot sauce before toasting it on the pan.
I did the same 3 more times, making a total of 4 burritos.
Placing them down on the dinner table, I walked over to the couch in the living room and slipped into it.
Now we wait...
***
My eyes fluttered open.
Huh...?
It seems like I fell asleep.
The kitchen was quiet, and the lights turned off. The only sound was the ticking of the clock on the wall.
I was lying comfortably on the couch with a quill over me. The warm scent of dinner filled my nostrils as I saw the plates placed on the table in front of me, piping hot, evident from the smoke rising from it.
Awh man. I forgot to greet him. I looked up at the time. It was quite late in the night.
My mind suddenly zipped towards somewhere else...
The email I'd sent to Olivia!
As if on cue, I heard my phone that was still on the counter buzz.
I hesitated for a moment, my fingers trembling as I opened the email. This was it. The moment I had been dreading and hoping for in equal measure. My eyes scanned the first few lines, and a wave of joy washed over me as I saw her words.
Instinct took over, and I jumped up from the couch.
Sprinting towards the phone, my heart was a weird mix of fear and confusion. As I rounded the corner around the kitchen counter, I slipped on something slick, losing my balance.
The world tilted and before I could register anything, my head hit hard against the kitchen counter with a sickening crunch, and pain exploded behind my eyes.
I tried to hold on to the counter, my arms flailing. As my fingers narrowly brushed against the phone, I collapsed to the floor, my vision blurring.
The world around me seemed to tilt and spin. I tried to get up, but my body suddenly stopped responding.
Panic set in. Blaring, like an ambulance's siren.
The kitchen floor was cold, further stripping away the strength to move, my head throbbing with pain.
"Canute, you okay there, buddy?" My dad's voice reached down from his room. I parted my lips, but no voice came through.
My phone was still in my hand, the screen glowing faintly in the dark. I could see Olivia's message, but the words were swimming in and out of focus.
『Canute, I've always adm--ed you too...』
I tried to read more, desperate to see her words, but blood was trickling down my forehead, seeping into my eyes. It stung, horribly, as it mixed with cold sweat that broke all over me.
I blinked furiously, trying to clear it away, but it was no use.
Fear gripped me as the realisation hit.
I was hurt, badly.
The metallic taste of blood was in my mouth, and I could feel it pooling around me. I tried to cry out, but my voice was weak, barely a whisper.
"Canute? Boy! You better answer me before I come down!" His voice had the usual sarcasm in it, masking the ocean deep tiredness and sorrow from the death of his wife, which he still mourned.
"Da--"
Strength took another hit, and I felt like my 'health bar' had suddenly reached 1%.
"Alright, I am coming down."
As the lights switched on, all I could register was the panicked shouting of my dad. Things blurred and I saw an unfamiliar ceiling. Dad was right beside me, clutching my hand...kissing my forehead. It stained his lips crimson and people clad in white pushed him away, but he kept coming back.
Then his face blurred and only basic features remained; golden blonde hair and light brown beard and moustache.
He was...right there, but it felt like he was a million miles away.
Despair filled my chest, mingling with the fear and the pain that had numbed down where I had hit my head, but not in my chest. Not in my heart.
I didn't want to die. Not now. Not like this. I wanted to be there with my dad.
Who else does he have but me? How will he fare now?
And...and, I wanted to see Olivia...to tell her how much she meant to me in person, to hear her voice and see her smile one more time.
Everything blurred.
"Extreme case."
"Bizarre."
"Blood...won't' stop."
"Impossible!"
Words. More words. Garbled. All around me.
The room was getting darker, the edges of my vision closing in.
My breaths were shallow.
A streak of light tore through the darkness and then dad was right beside me.
"D--"
"Don't talk..." he choked a breath as I felt my feet go lifeless. I stopped feeling them. Like a blackout, I felt my body lose life in a wave like motion, starting from my toes.
It feels cold.
I... It... What's...
"Oli, she...she says..." he started talking, holding a phone right next to him.
"She says 'I have always admired you too and I wanted to tell you---'"
The rest was a blur, the letters smudging together as the blood flooded my ears. All I could hear was the trembling voice of my dad, muffled underneath the dying beats of my heart.
"Dad..." It felt like my throat was torn apart with that once word. A word that shut him quiet.
"...I love you dad."
He didn't say anything. Instead, he simply touched his forehead with mine.
It was warm.
So, so warm.
"I love you too."
In the growing darkness, I felt a strange sense of peace. The pain was fading, replaced by a numbness that spread through my body.
My senses blurred and then something wet washed over me. Like a giant wave crashing over you at the beach. The wave disconnected the sensations I could feel – touch, smell, sight, hearing and the constant taste of blood in my mouth – and all that was left was just...nothing. Nothing at all.
It was peaceful. But every passing second filled me with dread. Until I felt like breaking down.
In the heart of darkness, a star twinkled.
『When the raven calls thrice at the break of dawn, remember the life you left behind. For it is in the memories of yesteryears that you will find the strength to forge tomorrow』
『The raven will guide you to wisdom, but beware its twin; for it brings only sorrow. The path of Odin is paved with both light and darkness. Choose wisely; lest you shall be consumed by it』
What is....
I swear I've heard about this before...
Oh... oh no.
This can only be...reincarnation... oh my god...
Was it real all along?
The thought of it seems so outlandish...
You watch and read things related to reincarnation all the time but to actually see the real thing happening to you is just...
Am I even reincarnating? Or am I hallucinating? I could still be alive, right!?
Deep down, I knew that I was trying to run from the truth.
What about dad? How would he feel...? God... fuck...
And there was Olivia too... just a fleeting thought in my head at this point.
Ha... haha...
Isn't that funny? The moment she says she loves me back, I... die.
And yet I live to see it.
How am I supposed to accept this?
FUCK!
『It was carved in destiny itself』
"Fuck off..."