A few days had passed since Jin’s doctor’s appointment. He had given the therapist a call from the card Allen gave him, and he was able to get an immediate consultation appointment.

In one of the nicer areas of D.C. near the downtown business district was a small office building. Inside that building were different works and businesses scattered across the multiple floors. On the seventh floor was Dr. Gregory Brown’s office.

His office pristinely shined upon the new spring day. Diplomas were displayed meticulously on the wall. Years of photos, awards, and accomplishments lined the shelves of his office with pride. A single spec of dust floated uncharacteristically through the blinds of the window, probably caught from the wind of the outside world. It entered his temple for a momentary stay before it would inevitably be hit with the lemon scent of Pledge.

Dr. Brown, who was a renowned man with over thirty years of experience in his industry, sat at his desk; slowly drinking away at his morning coffee. A neat stack of paperwork sat on the lower left corner of his desk, within arm’s reach to be tackled at the first opportune moment. His silver hair was combed back and molded with a thick wallop of pomade, all in a calculated attempt to hide his only personal blemish, an ever-growing bald spot that had laid itself on the northern point of his scalp.

His office phone let out a quick ring, and he answered on speaker. “Yes, Julie?”

On the other end of the line was Julie, Dr. Brown’s longtime secretary who, despite her best efforts to match her boss’s pristineness, found it all a bit pretentious and tiring with time.

“Mr. Shimada is here to see you,” she said.

“Send him in,” said Dr. Brown in a calm tone that was ready to take on the day.

The vaulted doors to the therapy office opened as Jin entered within their vicinity. He glanced around the place, decently impressed by everything that was displayed. Perhaps Allen was right, and this wouldn’t be too bad.

Jin moved forward and shook hands with the doctor.

“Dr. Brown,” he said as he shook his hands.

Dr. Brown gestured at the chair once their hands separated, “Mr. Shimada, please.”

Jin complied and took a seat on the elongated leather chair.

Dr. Brown reaches for his notes, before he began to speak again, “I know you said on the phone that you wanted to get started right away. So let’s begin.”

The two sat in silence for a moment. Jin began to tap his foot on the ground in an attempt to displace the loud silence. He was hoping Dr. Brown would ask him a question.

Jin broke the silence first, “So, uh, what do we cover first?” He asked.

“This is a client leading therapy process Mr. Shimada. We are here to discuss whatever you are comfortable sharing.”

There was a further silence between the two parties. Jin’s eyes darted around the room in an attempt to see something that would spark an idea. He felt the business card in his pocket poke at him, ever so slightly; as though it was nudging him.

“As you know,” began jin. He let out a mild cough to clear his throat. “My friend, Allen, recommended you to me. Allen Holiday.”

The therapist gave a warm, soft, smile. “Yes, I am aware of Mr. Holiday. He is such a kind, and gentle natured person. You must be grateful to have him as a friend.”

Jin is slightly caught off guard by the compliment towards Allen.

“With the way everyone at work treats him, I thought maybe you would, I don’t know, clench a bit at his name?”

“Why not at all Mr. Shimada,” responded Dr. Brown.

“You know, I try to treat him better than the other guys at work. He just has this, unrelenting, positivity that makes me want to punch him to a wall at times. But… I can never stay angry at him.”

As Jin’s words on Allen come to a close, the silence crept back in.

“Anyways…” Jin said as he relaxed his body into the chair a little more. His eyes started to wander off again.

“I went to the doctor’s the other day. It’s actually why I’m here now.”

“And how did that go?“ the doctor asked.

“I’m in great shape physically. Nothing wrong with my eyesight or hearing. But the doctor said I was a bit broken mentally,” he paused, “physiologically.”

Jin looked down at the palm of his hand, it began to twitch a little. He felt a slight itchiness under his skin that he couldn’t scratch away.

“Isn’t that a bitch,” Jin wallowed with an air pocket stuck in the bottom of his throat.

This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

“I take it, that such news, wasn’t easy to hear?”

‘You got that right,” scoffed Jin. “Fucking doctor wouldn’t even let me drive myself home. Had to open up the old contact list and call Allen–“

Jin’s demeanor changed slightly, “–and he came without hesitation.” He gave a contemplative pause, “The workplace we’re in, it’s a cutthroat environment.” Jin chuckled to himself mildly, “So much so that if I told you any more, I’d probably have to kill you…”

Dr. Brown remained unfazed by the remark. He continued to sit attentively.

“Is this workplace of yours a positive environment? Is your career something you are happy with?” probed Dr. Brown.

“I mean, I don’t know if I necessarily “enjoy” my job. It pays well, and I’m really, “really”, good at it. The dangerous aspects keep me feeling alive I suppose. But then again, the military did the same.”

Dr. Brown wrote down a few short notes before speaking, “Is that all we should strive for? Being good and well paid?”

Jin adjusted to a more upright position in his chair. He let out a stout grunt, “Yeah, I like to think so. Being good at what you do and making disposable income means that you can have control in your life. And keeping control over your surroundings is important.”

“You like to be in control?”

“Of course. Who doesn’t? In my line of work, I’ve made plenty of sacrifices. I’m in a risk induced profession that is always a mistake away from something fatal. Yet, I’ve been able to handle everything as it comes and goes–“

Jin leaned forward in the chair as he became more invested in his words.

“–and now you’re telling me that something is out of my control. Something inside of me. Something that I can’t take down or even run away from. And one day, whether I want it to or not, it’ll come for me. Fucking ironic.”

Jin leaned back into the chair again, slightly upset. Dr. Brown continued writing notes.

“I’m in my thirties Doc. I have less than ten actual contacts in my phone, and when I needed to depend on someone beside myself, I was on the verge of having absolutely nothing to show for it.”

Dr. Brown clicks his pen closed. He sets the notebook back onto his desk and glanced back up at Jin.

“Your thirties are an important part of your life Jin. It’s a time where you begin to cement the second half of life.”

“I suppose…” responded Jin.

There was a momentary silence again. It felt much colder than the ones from before.

“People at the office seem to get along with me fine. Hell, they even approach me. It’s just, when they do, my brain shuts off a bit. It’s like, I can acknowledge them and give the most barebone of interaction, but I don’t feel a need to invest in it.”

“Do you think there is a reason you don’t feel that need?”

“I don’t know. If I did, and something happened, then what? That time is exchanged for more pain? It just always felt easier to be at a distance.”

Jin felt his legs tingle. He stood up from the chair and walked over to one of the diplomas that was hung on the wall. He saw Dr. Brown in the reflection. Still sitting in his chair. Still listening to every word Jin said.

Then, Jin saw himself in the reflection. His goatee was a bit unkempt and a couple of loose, long hairs straggled away from the others. A gray hair poked out from the pores of his epidermis; right in the middle of the patch that covered the tip of his chin. He grazed his hand over it before turning back around. He felt uncharacteristically tired for it being only half past noon.

“I was watching a movie the other day. The one where the woman jumps around the multiverse while trying to get a loan for her coffee shop,” said Jin.

“Anything, Anywhere, All the Time.” Dr. Brown interjected.

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“Often times, we will look to entertainment to help us find meaning in different things.”

“I’ve made a lot of decisions, a lot of mistakes, that led to where I am today. Some that, if I could go back, I’d change. There are also a few that I wouldn’t change, so maybe it’s all a wash.”

Jin returned back to the chair and continued, “Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I wasn’t me.”

The doctor clicked his pen again, and wrote a few final notes in his notebook.

“When you try to improve yourself, and you have to make an effort to keep up the mask every day, when does it no longer become a mask that you wear?”

Dr. Brown continued his writing, he chose not to answer the question and let Jin ponder in silence. Jin took notice of all the writing that Dr. Brown had done during their appointment.

“So, what do you do with the notes?”

“They are for my own personal, private, record. It helps me carry on our progress into future sessions. All of my work remains confidential Mr. Shimada,” he answered.

I don’t know. Feels a little like an interrogation when you write things based off of my meaningless words.”

Dr. Brown raised his right brow. “Diction. Do you feel that I’m interrogating you?”

“Would the correct term be interviewing?”

“Therapy, Mr. Shimada.”

“I feel like my thoughts are all over the place here,” Jin sighed.

Jin looked at his watch to see how much time had passed. He was only halfway through the allotted session period.

“From all this yapping, or reflecting, it sort of feels like I should open myself up a bit more to others. Maybe take some time off from work and reset. Hell, maybe it’s time for me to retire and settle down.”

Dr. Brown placed his notes back on the table.

“Don’t suppose you could give me your opinion, Doc?” asked Jin.

“That’s not usually standard,” he stated.

Jin laughs, “Come on Doc, this is why we pay you the big bucks.”

“If you insist, Mr. Shimada. But just this once,” he said as he adjusted his glasses. “Your recent health scare diagnosis has clearly had a negative effect on your mentality towards your life. This -- paired with your self-isolation -- can lead to feelings of depression and other mental illnesses. This cycle is always a risk of feeding on itself. You enjoy things being calculated and in control, and for the first time in a long time, you can’t have it that way. It might be good for you to reach out of your comfort zone. That could be with friends, or family. Rebuilding connections with other people could be the first step in a healthy healing process. Or else you risk this cycle continuing, much to your current dissatisfaction. To put in blunt terms, get out of the apartment, maybe go on a date, learn how to socialize again and why it’s important to invest in other people.”

The room went silent again as the doctor finished his analysis.

“Well fuck me. You got all of that based off of the last twenty minutes?”

“It’s just a professional opinion Mr. Shimada. You don’t have to take it too close to heart.”

“Perhaps…,” said Jin. He stood from his chair again, this time with a bit of urgency; much to the doctor’s surprise. “I think I’ve had enough of an existential crisis for today.”

“Mr. Shimada, we still have another twenty minutes–“

“–No, I think you nailed it. Besides, I have work to get to.”

Jin turned back to the door and began to head out from the office. As he breached through the door, he turned back to Dr. Brown, “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ll keep in touch.”

“Please do, Mr. Shimada,” said Dr. Brown as Jin left the office.

The doctor remained in his seat after the doors closed shut. He took a sip of his coffee and glanced down at his desk. Noticing the speck of dust that had entered earlier, he removed a cloth from his drawer, and gave the desk a quick wipe. Spotless.