Welcome aboard the SS Sweetness, everyone! My name is Lolly and I’ll be your tour guide today. You’re in for a treat - we’ve got clear skies and mild weather, perfect conditions to see some of the unique wildlife that can be found here on Candy Island.

During the trip please keep all arms and legs inside the boat. Do not eat any of your surroundings, no matter how delicious they look. Keep in mind that these are wild sweets; they haven’t been sanitized yet. Yes, that means you, red hoodie guy in the back - get that arm back in the boat! Sure, the river chocolate looks clean, but if you drink it you’ll get a nasty case of the runs. I’ve seen it happen before.

And we’re off! We begin our journey here on Chocolate Creek, which will wind its way through the whole island. This river is the purest source of chocolate in the known world, but did you know that the amount of cacao in the chocolate depends on where you sample it? Here we’ve got your classic milk chocolate, but as you range up into the tributaries it gets much darker. I’ve visited one with the bitterest chocolate you’ve ever tasted, bubbling right out of a spring up on the mountain. Amazing, isn’t it?

Quick, look to your left! If you peer closely through the cotton candy bushes you’ll see one of the famed mascots of Candy Island, the gummi bobcat. Orange-flavored, and - yes, you can tell from the twist of green in her tail that that’s Sheila, a local favorite with the tour company. Isn’t she a beauty?

You have a question, ma’am? Oh - yes, it does look like she’s caught something! It’s the circle of life in action, folks! Given the vibrant coloring, that must be a sour snake. Tricky creatures; they can swim, so sometimes they’ll come right up to the boat. No need to be alarmed, ma’am; sour snakes have no fangs to speak of, they can’t harm you. Sheila is a different story. She’s hiding a wicked set of sugar-shard claws in those gummi paws of hers, and her teeth are no joke either. Gummi bobcats hate chocolate, though, so there’s no need to fear; she won’t bother us.

Let’s all wave goodbye to Sheila as we move on to the next part of our tour. Welcome to the Crystal Cavern! See those beautiful crystalline structures along the walls and ceiling? That’s right folks - that’s the source of the original rock candies harvested by the Brightfield company! In fact, they harvested all of their candies from these caves for dozens of years. About ten years ago conservationists realized that the mining was harming the local ecosystem, so Brightfield started growing their rock candy in state-of-the-art crystal labs instead. The Cavern is still recovering, but it’s come along nicely these past few years.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

As we turn a corner here, look to your right. See those glowing lights up ahead, up on the jelly bean shore? That’s right; we’re coming up on the stalagpops. Scientists still aren’t sure what makes these candies glow the way they do, it’s a mystery for the ages! But they’ll provide a beautiful light show for us as we make our way through these caves. It’s just too bad that the light disappears as soon as the lollipops are harvested; they would be amazing as campfire snacks, don’t you think?

We’ll be in the dark for a few minutes as we exit the cavern, but you can take this as an opportunity to meet some of the denizens of the caves. Look over the side of the boat - careful there, sport! Don’t fall in! Do you see those white and green figures that sometimes surface in the chocolate? Those are mint fish! They don’t like bright lights, so you won’t see them for most of the trip, but they know to pop up here if they want a snack. If you purchased coffee beans before boarding, go ahead and try tossing them overboard. You should have a proper horde of fish to feed before long.

Now it’s time for my favorite part of the tour. Are you ready?

Welcome… to Caramel Mountain!

It’s incredible, isn’t it? Geological surveys have found that this mountain is home to a dormant volcano. Molten caramel runs in its heart; that’s where its name comes from. That cozy brown coloring and the striking spikes that jut from the surface? It’s all solid caramel from previous eruptions. Explorers have made a fortune harvesting that caramel, but it’s no easy task. You have to watch your step in that terrain; there are taffy traps hidden everywhere, and if you step in one, good luck getting out again. It gets worse too. A team seven years ago dug too deep and disturbed the mountain, and their camp got flattened by an avalanching house-sized jawbreaker. It’s dangerous out in the wild, folks; that’s why we stick to the boat!

We’re nearing the end of our tour now, but there’s one last wonder to behold. See the dark trees up ahead? That’s Licorice Forest! Most of the wildlife avoid this area, but there’s one species in particular - yes, we’re in luck today! That scampering movement in the undergrowth? That’s the candy cornlets! They like it here because their predators, the marshmallow birds, have a harder time seeing them through the trees. Not that you’ll see any marshmallow birds today; they like it best when it’s a bit overcast outside. Oh look, there’s a baby cornlet! Look at those tiny nubby legs! Awwww, what a cutie.

And with that, we’re back where we started. Thank you for joining me today, everyone; it’s been a pleasure showing you the sights! Watch your step as you exit the boat and don’t forget to visit the gift shop before you leave the boathouse. And from all of us here on Candy Island, we hope you have a delicious day!