In the far future year of one fifty twenty three, spacemen are still smoking Acapulco Gold in their hookah pipes on their off days in order to relax. In current news, the Interstellar Ice Cream Mafia was cleared of all charges, the jury voting unanimously that the victim had it coming and the Galactic Chief Justice receiving a large space pleasure cruiser in an unrelated transaction; an unbelievably evil villain has sexily stolen the Great Galactic Donut from the Interstellar Museum of Cosmic Snacks; the Smorks and the Twelves ended their armistice and resumed space laser hostilities over Planet Plarda for the eighty sixth time this year; and the Jovian cartel has voted to produce more oxygen, creating a vast oversupply of breathable air in the Solar System.
In these trying and yet sexy space laser times, the fondest wish of humanity is to get the hell away from other humans at the speed of light. And so, the story begins at the largest settlement near the coreward edge of known space, where a strange discovery has been made…
—
A dark skinned woman in a lab coat with a half-metal skull and long, fabulously luscious black hair took in a slow drag from her SuperCancer™ stick. Watching as the tarp-covered table automatically hovered into her rented lab on the 485 + 6ith floor of the backwater red-dwarf-starred planet Ta Ta Ta, she contemplated simply killing herself before doing this job. Two men stood next to her: one a deathly pale and gigantic local human law enforcement officer that definitely had a sexy superpower expansion or five installed into his DNA, including one for superhuman good looks; and the other being the dangerously roguish, half-alien, blue skinned captain of the exploratory vessel who brought in the probe she'd be examining… and who wore a leather getup that left his middle from the neck down bare.
"There is not a chance in hell that this is anything other than a hoax," Doctor Electron finally drawled, blowing out a foul cloud of smoke and looking to the others with one dull, brown, and human eye and one blue, glowing, robotic eye. "This is a waste of my life."
The blond policeman's nose wrinkled.
"Tastëkeňë dë smokët?" the muscled native demanded archly, glaring at her with his stupid-looking mirror eyeballs that everyone on this planet had. "Smisët esleg."
"I can't understand your dialect, jardy," she shot back, mouth twisting incredulously. "That's supposed to be English?"
"Officer Raygun is here to offer us both a little extra security, ma'am," 'Captain' Quasar placated, the red-eyed man masterfully covering up the fact that he, also, didn't understand jack.
Sighing, Doctor Electron dropped the stick on the ground and crushed it – it was time to actually examine the thing, and smoke could mess it up.
"Ugh, whatever, let's get to work," she grumbled, striding forwards into the lab. "I saw an Earth-style crack VR joint in orbit on my way down here, and I wanna base-jump into Jupiter today."
The others followed her in, with Captain Quasar closing the quaintly manual door behind them with a click. Then, they watched as she started to busy herself over the table, ordering around various precision robots hanging down from the ceiling to take the tarp covering the find apart.
"Alright, Apple Four, fold up the tarp and put it in the first bin, and Banana Three, aim your graviscope at this thing."
"Yes, valued customer!" the two ACME Labs™ drones answered cheerily.
Pulling out a tablet from a nearby drawer, she stuck her cybernetic finger into it and opened the program connecting to the budget lab's instruments, eyes subconsciously scanning the images and numbers as they came into her brain, "So where'd you find this thing that makes you sure it's real?"
"Satan's Asshole," the spacer said casually.
She looked up from her tablet and stared into the Captain's eyes for a beat. He continued smiling blithely.
"Do you know how many celestial objects are named some variation of that, space cadet?"
"Neindellër jefftër," the third wheel with them sniped, smirking and crossing his arms in a way that threatened to cause his blue button-up shirt to explode.
"Hey," Doctor Electron pointed at Officer Raygun without taking her eyes off of the mirthful Captain, "I heard 'named' and 'after,' and I don't deserve that kind of slander, chuckles."
He looked her up and down. Annoyingly, he had no problems understanding Earth Standard English, so the language barrier was one way.
"Presnekseim," Raygun deadpanned.
Case in point. The scientist rolled her eyes and waved her hand at the pointy-eared Captain, "Well? Ya know how many asshole black holes there are?"
"I do," he freely admitted, nodding. "We name them that way out of love. I meant the one nearest here, though – the wormhole with the unknown correspondent. The probe came from inside the wormhole."
Her tablet chirped.
The word "UNSEXY" blinked in her vision together with a green checkmark, followed by a long list of data and numbers that scrolled through her mind faster than any ordinary human could parse.
If her deathstick hadn't been extinguished outside, it'd have fallen out of her mouth just then.
"Unbelievable," she uttered, face twisting. "The chemical makeup of this thing… from all the way back to the Unsexy Age? But carbon dating… it might as well have been made last year… you lucky bastard."
"Thank you," Captain Quasar bowed. "Is that enough to confirm it?"
"It'll need further testing, but I'm willing enough to bet my career on it… you said 20% right? I want more, but I already signed the contract," the Doctor grimaced. "Shit."
"Na ttintë nagonësijë in dda," Officer Raygun said idly, looking at his fingernails.
"This isn't something that can get out. People find out about this, they'll rip us all to shreds to get at it."
"I don't think that's going to be a concern," the Captain said affably. "Also, I think 20% is a bit generous, no?"
"Huh-?" she said, still distracted by the information in her view.
ZAP
As Doctor Electron disappeared in a flash of light, her tablet fell to the tile floor with a clatter. Whirring uselessly, the lab robots which had been following her instructions slowed to a stop.
The corrupt cop lowered his still-smoking pointer finger with a smile, "Stendeicwdnar."
"Excellent job, lovely," the dread pirate Captain Quasar complimented, pleased, slinking forward and squatting to check the tablet that was on the ground. Happy to see that it still contained the proof of his findings, he picked it up, "For this, and finding this scientist in the first place. With this, we have a genuine pre-interstellar Unsexy Age human probe, and you and I will be set for life."
Moments after pocketing the device, the Captain was surprised to be hauled up by the arms, and then turned around and pressed against an empty lab table.
"Weneikiscë fersci kom irën ëgën," the larger man said softly, tilting the smaller man's head up with the still-hot laser finger gun and placing the other hand onto his bare chest. The Captain shivered as the foreign language washed over his ears.
"I do so love it when you speak sweetly to me in that dialect of yours, my dear," he replied, smiling with his sharp teeth on display. "A bit crass to have a snog right at the scene of a cold-blooded murder, though, innit?"
"Nakerei," Raygun whispered, leaning down.
"Me neither," Quasar breathily conceded, joining the larger man in a kiss.
Slam!
The door flew off its hinges as a robotic leg kicked through the lock.
In the blink of an eye, the two men leapt apart, and Raygun reflexively pointed his finger at the intruder threateningly.
Doctor Electron, armed with a gun of her own pointed at Captain Quasar, looked between the two of them in disbelief.
"Oh, that's real nice. You can't keep it in your pants for one job, Raygun?"
"Heitscë tu, Lectron," he grumbled, lowering his finger. "Hat ddysënës."
"And you," she looked back at the pirate in amazed disgust, "what kind of sicko are you? You thought I'd just been iced and you decide it's Sexy Time?"
"It's always Sexy Time," the criminal looked at her askance, before looking unsurely between her and Raygun. "And how are you alive? I distinctly recall you being vaporized before my eyes not moments ago? Wait, are you working together?"
"I," the cybernetic woman began flatly, "want to die. But Mr. Raygun's sexy space laser power doesn't kill people, it just teleports them a short distance away. I'm sure it was very impressive when he seemingly killed all those other mercenaries - sorry, paid actors - chasing after you, though."
"You lied to me," Captain Quasar said, whirling to face the Ta Ta Ta-ian. "I actually thought we had something."
The larger man shrugged, "Fakjë neisleg. Feri… kmph, very nice fuck."
The pirate let out a strangled gasp, his red eyes shining visibly with tears, and the Doctor whistled, "Damn, that's cold. You reel him in with romantic outings to steal the galaxy's supply of bubble wrap, and then you tell him he was a nice fuck? Really? I at least tell my marks that it's nothing personal from the word go. Anyways:"
She fired her gun, a tranquilizer dart shooting out and landing in the illustrious Pirate Captain Quasar's neck.
As the smaller man collapsed into a heap, the woman looked at her gun, her glowing blue cybernetic eye taking in the sub-par piece of equipment, and tossed it aside with a huff and a clatter.
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"It's a pain in the ass that neither of us could bring weapons without raising suspicion. Actually, no, the real pain in the ass is Captain Quasar's general immunity to sexy superpowers. I guess I can't be mad about it since it made me necessary for this, though. How many mercenary quantum gravichemists are there?"
"There are not many, no," Raygun said in stilted and broken Earth English, walking over to Quasar's motionless body and picking out the tablet from his leather pants. "And you are only one who answered wanted notice, here near. Now, have we the proof that real the probe is."
"This bounty was only barely worth my time," the lab-coated cyborg admitted, tapping her metal lips with her finger thoughtfully and producing a clinking sound. "But now? This genuine ancient human probe could actually pay for the sarcophagus I've been after for the last seventy years."
The jacked human in the ill-fitting police uniform stood up, facing her curiously with his mirrored eyeballs, "Want you… you want die? Not joke?"
"Well, yeah, but only temporarily," she said looking back at him like he was stupid. "Look, I just want to fucking sleep for a thousand years, alright? You're, what, nine hundred years old? A thousand, tops? Just you wait until you hit your fifth thousand, buddy, you'll be wanting sweet oblivion too."
"Hmm," he hummed thoughtfully. "Cannot have… exactly what want in life. Not all. Permanent oblivion will do."
He rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck, and Doctor Electron took a step back in trepidation, "What… what do you mean?"
"One think… I have much, with fifty percent of Quasar, and also fifty percent of probe. But 100% is more," he explained, stepping forward and flexing his arms and hands. This time, a couple of the top buttons did explosively fly off his shirt, as his muscles seemed to grow.
The lab coated woman smacked her metal forehead with a clank.
"Ugh. Welp," the woman raised her metallic right arm with a sigh, the complicated machine beginning to rearrange itself into some sort of weapon, "I guess I'm adding your skull to my apartment mantelpiece, you goddamn idiot."
Rrrrrrip!
As the fake police officer grew to one and a half times his already abnormally large size, his police uniform shredded into tatters, revealing Raygun's bulging, overcompensating, and sexily superpowered muscles – his deadliest weapon.
Meanwhile, the android across from him threw off her lab coat dramatically, revealing a far more combat-appropriate and also much sexier black-and-gold jazzercise outfit that hugged her alternating flesh and metallic chassis. In moments, her arm finished transforming into Sexy-grade space laser plasma cannon.
Raygun grinned, saying in a low voice, "Endžujddyseil…"
"This is so stupid and I'm so tired…" Electron groaned, holding her sparking cannon arm up at the ready.
Then, Raygun screamed, causing the Doctor to jump.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!"
Sparking blue electricity coursed visibly over the deathly pale man's skin, and the man's screaming rose in pitch until it suddenly stopped. Jaw hanging slack, the titanic superpowered man slowly fell backwards… revealing the devilish form of a standing Captain Quasar with an ionic taser, frowning.
Crash!
An empty lab table crumpled under Raygun's massive form.
"That took you long enough," Doctor Electron sagged, her plasma cannon immediately starting to turn back into an arm. "I was worried we were gonna throw down right here in this extradimensional skyscraper. I'm not that sick of the Sexy Future."
"I rather didn't expect him to be that much of a musclehead, no," the Captain agreed, pocketing the taser and smiling cheerfully at her. "I am glad to rescue a damsel in distress, though."
The woman stared at the moron for a beat.
"I'm not the damsel in this situation, fucker, Mr. Oh No, My Sexy Boyfriend Has Betrayed Me, oohohohohoonoooo," she sobbed, slapping her cheeks with both hands in mocking distress.
"Oi!" the pirate exclaimed, frowning fiercely. Dark blue colored his cheeks in an embarrassed blush and his pointy ears drooped. "He was a very good actor! I had no idea what he had planned for me until I saw his Spacelist page…"
"You knew that he was a mercenary bastard, you knew, and I saw those tears," she dug in cruelly. "You romantic fuck. You're lucky you called me to answer Raygun's wanted notice, anyone else woulda just killed ya outta pity. You should be thanking me for calling this in with the local authorities so that you don't have to, wimp."
"You need that sleep, clearly," Quasar sniffed. "You're the nastiest woman I've met in three hundred years."
"Aw, poor baby, the twelf misses his mommy," Electron said sarcastically, walking over to the unmoving mountain of flesh occupying a sixth of the cramped budget laboratory while the pirate captain spluttered. Grimacing, she used two fingers of her robot arm to yank the lab tablet out of Raygun's pants pocket.
"The real wildcard in all this aside from your sad sack routine is this probe you found," she said, looking over to the ancient probe which had escaped the chaos thus far. "You can fucking have it, the last thing I want is the entire accursed human race breathing down my neck. You don't know humans because you're a half-alien pirate spacer, but I do. The sarcophagus is literally not worth it."
"Er, thanks?" Quasar said stiltedly. "But I think that-"
The building intercom loudly interrupted.
"Ta Ta Ta Polis! Sërondesbin dë fflort! Move… nobody! Polly Electron, Red Quasar, and Tamës Reigën – arrest under all!"
"... I'm sorry, your name is Red?" Doctor Electron asked doubtfully, turning a look upon the pirate.
The thin man looked back at her mulishly.
"... my human mother didn't know that twelves are born with red skin that turns blue when they grow up."
"... Hahahahahahahaha-!"
"And head put… between knees… with face between asscheeks!" the police officer on the intercom finished earnestly and in complete seriousness.
That brought Electron's laughter to a halt… while Quasar giggled. The scientist glared at the pirate in irate confusion, the oculus of her blue robotic eye focusing on him.
"Was this you? It wasn't me. I wasn't gonna call the cops til I was off-planet."
The captain's juvenile mirth at the poorly translated English died.
"No…" he said, troubled, red eyes narrowing in thought, "... Raygun…?"
"Ugh, no," she said, categorically refusing to believe that the violent idiot was the one to bring in the cops, on himself no less. She strode over to the emergency intercom panel next the doorway and ripped off the cover. After, she sexily thrust her robot arm into the mess of electronics and interfaced with it in order to brute force a connection.
"Attention Police," her voice came out the speaker without her lips moving. "This is Doctor Polly Electron, everyone on this floor is now a hostage until I understand why the fuck you're here and what the fuck is going on. Start negotiating with me in Standard or I'll rip up this building's side-dimension and blow your planet a new fuckhole."
There was a long pause of dead silence from the wall speaker. A rustle of leather alerted the woman and she glanced to the side to see Quasar watching her.
"You're reacting to this situation very smoothly?" he said leadingly.
Scoffing, she turned back to the panel, "You get to be my age and you've seen all the shit the Sexy Space Age can do."
"Like… what, exactly?" he asked curiously, ears twitching.
Her lips twisted, "People throw around the word 'unsexy' like they have a clue what it was like. I've seen Karen Stepford Tremaine's Clone Army marching on Earth. I was there during the labor strikes on Planet Bunnybot. I cut my teeth on the Interstellar Ice Cream Mafia back when Big Baby was the one in charge. These days, people expect shit to work out like sunshine and rainbows and think 'unsexy' is just a bad word. I was around when nothing was sexy and every day was as unsexy as it could get. And I am tired of dealing with a universe of sexy idiots who don't appreciate what they have and are always racing for the edge of known space."
There was a moment of silence, and she turned her head again.
Captain Quasar's red eyes were huge in his blue face, and Doctor Electron flinched back.
"You're the Doctor Electron, from the stories! Oh God-"
"Shut up-"
"Me mum raised me on those stories-"
"Shut up-"
"Ksssssh…" the intercom turned on again, and the Captain and the Doctor turned back to the speaker.
"You have… a probe, yes? Ancient, human probe?"
The cyborg woman's eyes narrowed.
"Yes," her voice answered. "How do you know?"
"It is a fake," the police negotiator revealed. "The corresponding wormhole is known to us. So, we designed a fake probe, and sent it through in an operation designed to lure in the pirate Captain Quasar and sting the corrupt Officer Reigën. If you had examined the probe more closely, you would have found the quantum sexy-entangled tracking device."
"Shite," the half-alien with her breathed.
There was a sound of rubble shifting around, and the Captain and the Doctor whirled around. Sitting up in the remains of the lab table, Raygun was clearly listening intently.
"Doctor Electron. Planet Ta Ta Ta has no outstanding warrant for you, and has no extradition treaties with any planets that might want you. We are willing to ignore your statement earlier about hostage taking, as you have clearly been caught severely off-guard by these unsexy circumstances. Simply leave the premises and the police guard will let you through without trouble, and we shall arrest the criminals Captain Quasar and Officer Reigën."
She stood silently, arm still deep inside the laboratory wall.
"Doctor Electron?"
"Yeah, I heard you," her voice said on the intercom, and then the speaker went silent while her real life mouth snarled, "fucking shitheads."
She tore her arm free of the wires and turned, looking between the two dipsticks that she'd landed with.
"You two hooligans are gonna be spaced out someone's airlock someday if I leave," she said frankly. "And… you've officially, nobody doubts it, wasted my life. I can't collect shit on that worthless probe, and I can't collect on either of your bounties. I'm busting outta here and your dumb asses are coming with, because you owe me."
Raygun and Quasar looked to each other. The blond, mirror-eyed, himbo human native grinned, and the blue-skinned, red eyed twelf turned away with a huff.
"Sundda got. I am tired of this planet. Time see galaxy wider."
"Of course I'm coming with you," the blue man said emphatically. "You're my hero. But do we have to bring him?"
Raygun laughed uproariously.
"Package deal, baby boy," Doctor Electron said simply with a smirk. "Also- not up for discussion. Now, get out of my way and let momma work. There's more than enough here for me to build an amplifier for Raygun's teleporting power so that it works on you, 'Red'... Pfft, nope, can't keep a straight face-"
"Oi!" the blue alien cried.
—
It is the sixteenth millennium. To be a man in such times is to endure constant and unceasing nonsense. In this Sexy Space Age, the universe is hectic, the universe is stupid, and the universe… can be very, very stupid. The universe needs:
Doctor Electron
and the Sexy Space Heroes