The sudden lack of pain was the first thing Jun noticed as she reflexively opened her eyes. She instinctively moved to feel herself before realizing with a blink that she didn't have any hands. She also realized she didn't seem to even have eyes, and yet could blink. All she saw around her was a void that seemed to go on for eternity, only marred by a single screen in the middle of her vision that she wasn't sure how she missed earlier. The screen was... odd, like a popup from a video game.
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU HAVE DIED!
Your previous Karmic Balance was -664,193,212
You have gained +697,310,354,555 Karma!
Your Karmic Balance is now +696,646,161,343 karma.
Respawn?
Y/Y
After she died, she expected just about anything, from fluffy clouds and winged toddlers playing harps hovering over flaming pits of screaming souls, to nothingness. She definitely did not expect to be an incorporeal thing staring at a respawn menu. The fuck is this shit?! Is life just a game to the universe?!
The screen pretty much confirmed she was dead, and for some reason she was pissed off. She wasn't even sure how she died, just that it was... painful. It felt like the memory had been locked away, but if she pushed in just the right way, it would unlock. She wasn't sure how long it took her pushing at the strange mental lock in her mind, but with a sudden *pop*, it vanished and a new screen popped up below the respawn screen.
Due to the traumatic nature of your death, the universe has deemed it unnecessary to review your death prior to respawn. Reviewing your death may result in unintended consequences.
Proceed?
Y/N
The screen gave her pause. Traumatic? It had to be bad if the universe itself was telling me not to, but she had to know. The curiosity ate at her,. With trepidation, she mentally selected "Y" and screamed as the screen popped, revealing another somehow darker void that seemed to suck her consciousness up.
----------------------------------------
The bullying at school, the abusive parents, the uncaring teachers. Constantly feeling like an alien in her own body, before suddenly realizing that despite being born a boy, she wasn't one. Of course, that realization came too late. The society around her had never been welcoming, but it somehow grew worse and worse, especially for anyone who wasn't considered "normal" like her. By the time she'd realized a simple truth about herself, what few options would have been available to her had gone up in smoke, sometimes literally. She'd ordered some medications online, discreetly packaged because they were considered illegal for what she was going to use them for, but that hadn't been enough.
Jun forgot she lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone, and there was no such thing as secrets. Private delivery companies didn't deliver there because it was too unprofitable. Instead, everything went through a single public post office run by a postmaster that just so happened to also be the town gossip. If it was secret, you didn't rely on the post there. She'd forgotten that fact when she'd filled out the delivery information. Forgotten that secrets didn't stay secret if you let anyone else in on them. It proved to be a fatal mistake.
Jun finally decided to come out to her best friend, Ash. Ashley, Ash for short, was that blonde cheerleader country girl in just about every country song. They'd grown up together as neighbors, Jun the half-Japanese boy, one of the only Asian people in town besides his mother, and Ash, the extroverted tomboy that was excited to see a new kid moving in next door. She'd introduced herself while Jun's parents were still unpacking the truck and quickly volunteered to help when she found out Jun was eight years old just like her. They'd quickly grown close that summer and into the next school year. So close that everyone in the town thought they'd be getting married when they grew up. They'd even dated in high school for a while before realizing they were better as just friends. They'd shared everything with each other, so what was one more secret? One more secret, more taboo in their town than any other secret they'd shared before. One secret that was a simple truth, but buried so deeply that no one had ever suspected it until Jun dug it up.
She met up with Ash at their secret spot, an old willow tree next to a small creek in the forest between their childhood homes where they played as children, where they'd sneak out to meet up as teenagers to drink and do all the taboo things teenagers do that were publicly discouraged but quietly tolerated. It was their place, the perfect place to share a secret. Jun told Ash that she was transgender, that she wanted to transition. She thought her friend would understand, but she didn't. They argued, they fought. "You'll never be accepted as one of those freaks!" Ash screamed, her face red and tears leaking. "Take it back! Don't do it! People here will find out, and they'll never let you stay here if you do! You'll be forced to leave the town, leave me!"
"I need to be true to myself Ash! I can't live a lie, not when it eats at me every day! If this town can't accept that then I'll just leave!" Jun ran away from the woman she thought was her friend, thought would understand. Maybe, Jun thought, maybe she'll come around, maybe she can leave with me, and we can start over together somewhere else.
When the text from Ashley popped up, she thought her silent hope had been realized. It read "I'm sorry. Meet at the spot tonight?"
Excited and relieved, Jun quickly texted back. "You're forgiven! I'll be there after work!"
The rest of the day seemed to rush by. Jun couldn't pay attention in any of her classes at the community college, and kept making simple mistakes while helping out the mechanics at her dad's auto shop. She was just too excited that Ashley had a change of heart, too busy imagining their future lives when they left this backwards, small town.
She'd stopped by the liquor store after work to pick up a bottle of whiskey. She and Ashley could celebrate their making up at the spot, she thought with a grin. "A bottle of Makers, Auntie May," she told the older woman who'd owned and ran the liquor store her whole life, as she fished her wallet and ID out of her pocket.
"Makers, eh Jun? Ain't you a bit young to be in here?" Auntie May shook her head as Jun pulled her ID out of her wallet and handed it to her.
"No ma'am, just turned 23 a couple months ago!"
Auntie May took a close look at Jun's ID, glancing between the photo and Jun in front of her. "S'pose so, you been legal for a while then," she muttered. "You celebratin' somethin'?" Auntie May handed Jun her ID back and pulled a bottle out from under the counter and ringing it up.
"Yes ma'am. Meeting up with Ash tonight to discuss some stuff and celebrate!" Jun pulled a few bills out of her wallet and slid it over to the older woman as the cash register dinged and the drawer slid open.
"That right? Well you two always made a cute couple." Auntie May flashed Jun a toothless grin as she swept the bills into the register and handed the change back along with the bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag. "You be a good man to her you hear!"
Jun mentally winced at being misgendered, but shrugged it off as she smiled back at the older woman. Auntie May didn't know, and by the time she did, she and the townspeople would either accept Jun as she was, or Jun, and hopefully Ash as well, would be long gone. "It's not like that Auntie May, Ash and I are just friends now!" Jun said as she quickly retreated to the door.
The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.
"Me an' Paul were 'just friends' up until he got me pregnant with my first son too!" Auntie May cackled, watching Jun's face turn bright red as she reached the door. "Be a good man, and cut your hair 'fore the wedding, you're starting to look like a girl!"
Jun nodded dumbly and pushed down the mixed anger and embarrassment from the older woman's teasing. She doesn't know, she doesn't know, she doesn't know. Jun thought to herself as she fingered her messy shoulder length hair and shouldered her way through the swinging glass doors.
The drive home helped cool Jun's anger and embarrassment. It sucked to be in the closet like this, but it wouldn't be for that much longer. She'd been saving up for over a year now, stashing her cash in an old coffee can under the seat of her car every week. Her father controlled her paychecks and her bank account after all, and would notice if it got too high and start paying her less. He thought that as long as he controlled her money, he could control her. Luckily he didn't know what school cost, and thought Jun was just taking classes as an excuse to meet "college girls." That was an acceptable use of the money he paid her after all. That and partying like a "normal guy." Instead, most of the cash from her paychecks she stashed away, and it was getting close enough for her to leave. She'd pack a bag, pick up Ash if she decided to come with her, and they'd just drive out of the county, maybe even to another state, anywhere other than the town that she'd been trapped in since she was a child.
With those thoughts whirling in her head, Jun parked in the yard next to the house and grabbed the paper wrapped bottle before hiking to the spot. The shadows grew long as Jun got to the spot. She wasn't too surprised to see she'd beaten Ash here. Ash worked on the other side of town at the beauty salon, while her father's shop was just over the bridge from the neighborhood they grew up in. Sighing, Jun sat against the old willow tree while she waited for Ash, drumming her fingers on the paper wrapped glass bottle. The shadows grew longer and it wasn't long before she heard footsteps coming up behind her. Excited, she jumped up and turned around, bottle in hand to greet her friend. "As-huh?"
It wasn't Ash. It was her older brother Bobby and his two buddies Ray and Charlie. They were a few years older than Jun and Ash, and had always been pretty decent guys. Bobby was a Sheriff's Deputy and was always sending broken down tourists to Jun's father's shop for repairs. Ray and Charlie had joined up with the Army, just like Jun's father, and just like her father, they'd come back to town after a couple tours to settle down. "Hey Bobby, Ray, Charlie." Jun nodded at the 3 men as they surrounded Jun on 3 sides, her back to the willow tree. "What's going on?"
Bobby sneered at her, his hands hooked in his duty belt. "What's going on Jun, is that my baby sis told me you're one of them tranny fags. That true?"
A look of shock spread over her face as she flinched back, the hateful tone in Bobby's voice hurting more than a gut punch. "Wha-what're you talking about?"
"We heard filled little Ash's head with a bunch of evil poison and lies like the evil fag you are!" Ray snarled as he stepped closer, his fist clenched tight.
Jun stepped back and bumped into the tree, her heart racing as the three men crowded in closer. Her eyes darted towards the gap between Charlie and the tree that was closing with every step he took towards her. "It ain't like that!" She yelled, getting ready to bolt.
"Nah, enough of your lies and bullshit you little twink. I should've done this before you ever laid hands on my baby sis!" Bobby yelled as he threw a quick punch at Jun's gut.
Jun jerked left, her back scraping against the rough park of the tree as she darted for the gap she'd eyed moments before. A high pitched yelp echoed through the woods as a hand grabbed the collar of her stained work shirt and pulled her back, followed by a brutal blow to her side that shoved the air from her lungs and choked her scream off. She flailed, her fist tightening around the bottle in her hand as she tried to ward off another blow. She felt more than saw the thud as she caught Ray in the temple with the edge of the bottle, the durable glass refusing to shatter. Ray's grip on her collar grew slack as he fell back, landing awkwardly on the roots of the willow tree.
Everyone froze for a few moments, staring at Ray's unmoving body in the dimming light of dusk. The bottle spilled from Jun's loose hand and thudded into the forest dirt. Bobby and Charles snapped their gazes back to her, eyes narrowed in anger. "The fag killed Ray!" Charles screamed, charging at her like a rhino. Jun leapt to the side again, barely avoiding Charlie's grasping hands as he flew past her in a rage. She turned to the woods and ran towards home. Get to the truck, get out of town. Get to the-
Her whole body suddenly locked up in pain, her nerves feeling like they were on fire. It was like the first time she'd worked on an electrical repair at her dad's shop, and had forgotten to unhook the battery before touching a live wire, except a thousand times worse. She felt her nose crunch as she fell face first into a tree, her warm blood already starting to drip down her face. She started pushing herself back up to run again, when her raw nerves lit back up and she crashed back into the dirt.
Jun opened her eyes and saw a dark figure stepping out of the shadow of the willow tree, a boxy object held in his hand. "Charlie, I got him, check Ray!" Bobby barked as he stepped closer to her. He crouched down in front of her and waved her department issued taser in her face. "You couldn't just take it like a man, huh little fag?" He growled at her. "You messed with my sister, you tried to run from your responsibilities, you hurt Ray. You got nothing to say?!" She convulsed in the dirt, her body wracked in pain as lightning seared through her muscles and nerves.
"Bobby, Ray's dead." Charlie's voice called out from behind the tree, full of anger and hurt. Jun struggled to breath, her breathes fast and shallow as she stared up at the man in front of her, her muscles refusing to listen to her.
Bobby grimaced and looked at Jun with naked fury in his eyes. "You killed my friend. You're gonna pay for that you tranny bitch!" A glob of spit hit her in the eye and dripped down as more lightning coarsed through her body. The lightning stopped, only for her to feel something shatter in her chest as a sharp and heavy blow pushed her through the dirt.
She lost track of how long it lasted, the heavy blows alternating with lightning. She screamed until her throat grew raw, then whimpered, then could only lay there in silence as beating continued. The pain was all she could focus on, the only thing in her mind. The loud pop of a bottle shook her out of it, telling her there was more than the pain of the beating. She felt a new kind of stinging pain as something liquid was poured all over her. Through one swollen eye, she could barely make out Bobby as he took a swig from a bottle before handing it Charlie and lighting up a cigarette.
"For what you did, you'll burn in hell like the tranny sinner you are you little bitch." Bobby took a deep drag on his cigarette. "Funny thing is, over in England they call these things fags, well guess I'm going to light another fag tonight." Bobby dropped the lit cigarette on her chest as he leaned over and put the bottle in her unresponsive hand. He blew the smoke in her face as he grabbed a handful of her hair and lit it with his lighter. "Keep warm you little bitch." Bobby stood back up as Jun tried to thrash and put the fire out, but she was too hurt. Her body wouldn't listen to her, everything was broken. She couldn't move, but she could feel the heat as the fire spread, first along her hair, carefully grown out over the past year, to the thin layer of alcohol all over here. Her clothes ignited quickly after that, and then she was left to a different searing pain. The last thing she saw before everything went dark was Bobby and Charlie staring at her through flames as if she was just a piece of trash to be disposed of.
----------------------------------------
She blinked as the memories of her life and death on Earth stopped. She shuddered as imaginary flames seemed to lick at her noncorporeal self. The void containing her final memories was gone, leaving only the infinite void of this place and the respawn screen.
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU HAVE DIED!
Your previous Karmic Balance was -664,193,212
You have gained +697,310,354,555 Karma!
Your Karmic Balance is now +696,646,161,343 karma.
Respawn?
Y/Y
She read the screen again, her previous Karmic Balance pulling all of her attention. I had negative karma at the my life? Karma she remembered from one of her college classes. A balancing force, weighing good and evil, or something like that. The respawn screen seemed to say that she'd started with negative karma. It also seemed like karma didn't change throughout her life. She'd been stuck with negative 664 MILLION karma her ENTIRE life?! Memories of her life and death flashed through her mind. Is that why I went through all of that?! Negative karma?
She screamed her frustration into the void, remembering her life and death. "The fuck did I do to deserve that!" She lashed out in her anger at the universe, pushing harder and harder, demanding answers. "Tell me why I suffered! Tell me what I could have possibly done to deserve that! Show me!" She felt no strange locks hiding memories away. No screens offering answers no matter how bitter. Nothing.
She wasn't sure how long she lashed out. She never grew tired, never felt anything change, only the passing of her thoughts as she raged at the universe. She could have spent eons doing so, or simply the moment between moments. Time seemed meaningless here.
An unknowable time passed before Jun calmed down. Her emotions spent, Jun looked at the respawn screen again. Her negative balance caused a flare of anger in her spirit, but it quickly burned out. The next two lines made her pause and reread them. And reread them again. And again.
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU HAVE DIED!
Your previous Karmic Balance was -664,193,212
You have gained +697,310,354,555 Karma!
Your Karmic Balance is now +696,646,161,343 karma.
Respawn?
Y/Y
She quickly did the math, then did it again. She counted the digits, and blinked her nonexistent eyes. 12 digits meant a number in the hundreds of billions in karma. 700 billion to be exact. "... Was my life a fucking karma farm?!"