Some days it just isn’t worth making the effort.
Those days when no matter what you do, how hard you work, or how carefully you plan, your situation won’t improve at all. Or could even get worse. Those days that remind you just how insignificant you are, and how overwhelming the problems you face are in comparison. Half a glass of water won’t do you much good if your entire house is on fire.
So why make the effort on those days? Wouldn’t it be better to not stress about the things you can’t control, and use your limited time and energy on something else?
And what if your life consisted of nothing but those days? Following that same logic, it would make sense to never put in the effort.
Sometimes it is better to just give up.
That was the conclusion I reached following the culmination of a lifetime of failures and disappointment. It seemed so simple when I thought of it: there was no point in trying, so let’s not try. And for a while, this new life philosophy worked for me. Worked so well I could have written a book about it. If writing a book didn’t sound like a bunch of needless effort, anyway.
But the world, or fate, or whatever cosmic entity was so bored that it felt the need to interfere with the life of one inconsequential mortal, was intent on trying to pull me from my briefly obtained peace.
What do you do when making no effort … starts to require effort?
I still remember the week leading up to my enlightenment quite clearly. One morning I awoke covered in sweat, alerting me that once again the AC was out. The shrill alarm on my phone would continue to mercilessly assault my ears if I did nothing, so I groggily pulled it from its charger and swiped the little angry clock face until it shut up.
The screen changed to my morning news app, feeding me the top headline of the day:
Everything Continues to Get Worse for Everyone - Experts in economics, politics, and general vibes all agree that as bad as things already are, they are bound to get even worse. If you are unfortunate enough for death to not have claimed you already, it is advised …
I turned the screen off. It was just more reporting on the same story from yesterday.
My morning routine was so ingrained into me that my brain was barely active for it. Shit. Shower. Shave. Look disappointedly at my acne scarred face and wish that my job allowed me to grow facial hair. Brush teeth. Squeeze my one-size-too-small uniform over my pudgy body. Finger-comb my tangle of black hair out of my face till it met my manager’s standards. Grab the nametag that had the name ‘Kit’ inside a lifeless green smiling face emoji. Then head out the door at just the right moment to make it to work at the grocery store on time.
As long as I didn’t encounter any delays. Such as the one waiting for me right outside my front door.
My landlord, Derek, stood right by the door of my apartment. He had the same distant look that I had grown all too familiar with, like he had completely forgotten why he was here. Upon seeing me, he snapped back to focus.
“Oh, Kit! Glad I ran into you,” he said in his low, passive tone. “It’s like … the beginning of the month again, you know? Got to get the rent, man.”
I flinched back from the strong smell of whatever it was Derek was smoking today. “I already sent it to you in the app. Like I do every month.”
It took my landlord a second to decipher what I said. “The app…oh yeah! The app! I forgot about that. Nobody else really uses it.”
Instead of taking my word for it, Derek pulled out his phone to open the app and confirm that he had indeed received my rent. Something he could have done before coming here.
“Yep, there it is,” Derek eventually confirmed. “Good shit, man. Thanks.”
“By the way,” I said, catching him as he turned to leave, “my AC is out again.”
Derek groaned. “Seriously? That blows. I’ll call the guy who does the thing. Don’t worry.”
I’d probably have to remind him once or twice, but he would eventually get it done. Which put him above many of the other landlords I’ve had to deal with in the past. Derek also rarely bothered me outside of rent collection, and I’d take a forgetful landlord over one who was constantly finding reasons to inspect my apartment at all hours of the day.
Though I’d admit I felt a sort of envy for him. Other than his few duties running the building, he didn’t seem to do anything else with his day besides getting high and playing games. I guess that’s the kind of life you have when you’re lucky enough to have parents who can give you an apartment building.
The small delay caused me to clock in for my shift at 9:02 instead of 9:00. Of course, my manager was there, by the time clock, to catch it.
“You know if you clock in one minute late, you’re docked for fifteen,” Steve reminded me, his tone filled with condescension. “You’re also going to get a mark on your record. Too many marks and you won’t get your quarter raise during the next evaluation.”
“I know,” I said, trying to keep the agitation out of my voice. “It won’t happen again.”
“See that it doesn’t. You’ve been here for three years and you’re still in the stockroom. If you ever want to move up, you got to show some initiative.”
I resisted the urge to tell him I had zero interest in rising the ranks of management in a small, local grocery chain.
“Also, I had a look at your time-off request,” Steve continued. “And that’s going to be a no-can-do. We’re going to be very busy that week and are going to need all hands-on deck.”
“What?!” I couldn’t stop myself from raising my voice. “I put in that request a month ago. I’ve got finals that week.”
“You got to think about what’s best for the store,” Steve said, glaring at me in a way that told me he was not brokering any argument. “I think it’s time you get your priorities straight and think about whether you really want to work here. Now get out there. You’re late enough as is.”
I sighed and did as I was told. This wouldn’t be the first time I had to work through finals week. It would make studying difficult, and I’d be sacrificing a lot of sleep. But I’d survive. And I wouldn’t have to put up with it much longer. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
In the stockroom, I kind of entered an autopilot until the end of my shift. Nobody really bothered me back there so long as product was unloaded in a timely manner. I didn’t have to interact with customers, or even my coworkers. My break came last, so unless I got unlucky, I’d even have the breakroom to myself. It was hard work, but at least it was peaceful.
By the time my shift ended, I was exhausted. Unfortunately, rest wasn’t in the cards for me just yet.
I returned to my (mostly empty) apartment. I walked past my game consoles, which had been collecting dust for months thanks to a lack of time and energy to play them, and plopped down at my desk. I flipped open my laptop, downed an energy drink to try and keep me from crashing, and opened up my school’s website.
Some years back, I was forced to drop out of my dream school because of an error on a form that caused me to lose my financial aid. I eventually found an online university that was willing to take my already earned credits and allow me to finish my degree. It wasn’t nearly as prestigious, but it was cheap enough that, working some massive overtime hours, I was able to save up for it. Trying to finish my courses while also working my job was tough, but I was convinced one day all that hard work would pay off.
Eventually, despite the best efforts of myself and the caffeine flowing within me, I found myself falling asleep at my keyboard. I still had some work to do, but this project wasn’t due until the following night, so I would probably be able to squeak it in under the deadline. I just managed to drag myself into bed before drifting off.
The next day was more of the same. Wake to alarm. Check the daily headline.
The Stock Market Hits Another Record Low – When asked for their opinions, every financial expert we reached out to broke into hysterical sobbing. Mattress USA released a statement that their new models include expanded money pouches for savvy investors who like to keep their cash under their mattress…
I didn’t have money to invest, so I didn’t really think it was important to me.
My morning routine went without incident, but once again I was delayed on my way to work. This time, by my car. It was some Honda that dated back from the 80’s, a hand-me-down from my grandfather. The thing barely ran, but I always had the impression it was trying its best. I promised it that, once I could afford it, I would treat it to all the maintenance and repairs it so desperately needed as thanks for all its hard work. But that day had not come yet.
And on this morning, the Honda was struggling. It lurched out of my parking space and then stalled. I gave it a little bit of a pep talk, but it still took a few minutes before the car found the will to get moving again. And by that point, I was once again doomed to clock in late at the grocery store.
“That’s two marks you have already earned this week,” Steve reminded me as I clocked in three minutes after the hour. “One more mark this quarter and you earn a demerit. And you know what happens if you earn three demerits, don’t you?”
Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
Honestly, I didn’t remember. But I claimed to in order to prevent further discussion.
“Are you able to stay late today?” Steve asked after receiving my capitulation. “We’re going to be short-staffed for the evening shift.”
“Sorry, I have a project due tonight.”
Steve shook his head in disappointment. “I’m going to remember that you’re not a team player.”
Fortunately, he didn’t push it any further and I was able to get through my workday without issue.
Well, without any work issues, at least. There was a bit of misfortune during my break.
I was just mindlessly browsing gaming news on my phone while enjoying my cup noodles when I was startled by a notification. Nobody ever messaged me, especially during work hours, so I wasn’t expecting it. And I definitely wasn’t expecting what the notification was from.
I’d completely forgotten I even had a dating app installed on my phone. It had been so long since I had matched with anyone that I simply stopped using it, though I’d forgotten to uninstall it. The app’s little bird mascot seemed almost as surprised as I was that he needed to alert me of a match.
With more curiosity than hope, I pushed the notification to bring up the app, and I was immediately stunned by how perfect my match seemed. She was super attractive to start, though that was less important to me than her profile, where she spoke of enjoying games, literature, and lazy days spent at home. And she lived close by. Everything I’d look for in a potential date.
Which left me with a potential dilemma: what kind of message do I send to a woman like that? I certainly don’t have a lot of experience here to lean on. Is it best to start casual? Flirty? Maybe a corny pick-up line?
The pressure was taken off of me as the little bird icon at the bottom of the screen began to flap its wings, indicating that the other person had begun to type a message. My type and she took the initiative. I’ll admit, I may have already begun to feel smitten.
“I’m so sorry! My finger slipped and I didn’t mean to match with you. You seem nice, but I’m just looking for someone, you know, who looks like they have their shit together. Good luck with your matches though!”
Her profile then disappeared, indicating that she had unmatched with me. I sat there, a little bit stunned by the whole ordeal, which had lasted mere moments, but which kept me in a somber mood for the rest of my break.
Then I uninstalled that app.
I rushed home after my shift to give myself time to finish my assignment. Ended up cutting it real close. In my rush, I had almost forgotten to attach my sources, but I fixed it and managed to hit the submit button on the school’s website with a whole five minutes to spare. Felt pretty good about the quality of the work, too. A job well done.
That was the last thing I had to do for my classes until finals. Maybe I could actually find some time to game tomorrow. Assuming Steve didn’t try to force me to stay late again.
The next morning started with more of the same. Alarm, phone, headline.
The Fires That Have Ravaged the West Coast Are Finally Mostly Under Control – Fire authorities have put out a statement informing us that the wildfires that have claimed a massive swarth of the coastline across two different states are now mostly contained. “Like 80%. Maybe 75%,” said Fire Response Chief Rant. “They should all burn out now within a few weeks.” When asked about the hundreds of casualties that occurred as a result of the wildfires and the slow response to them, Rant told us that “We shouldn’t worry too much, they probably always wanted to go out that way anyway.” Later in the statement …
Some good news for once, it seemed.
Shit, shower, shave, out the door. Forgot to brush my teeth. It would not be my biggest concern that day.
Managed to make it to work on time. Of course, on the day Steven wasn’t camped out near the time clock. Though it turned out, that was because he had a more obnoxious surprise waiting for me when I reached the stockroom.
“What the heck is all of this?” I asked upon looking at the mess that had been made of my meticulously organized stockroom. The shelves were in disarray. Product was all over the floor. Somehow one of the dollies had wound up hanging from the ceiling.
Steve was also there, tapping his foot impatiently as if he had been waiting for me for a long time. “One of our night shift guys decided to quit last night,” he explained. “And he did so in a dramatic fashion. This was his going away present. You’re going to need to get all this cleaned up and get everything organized the way it was.”
I looked over the disaster with wide eyes. “I’m going to get some help with all this, right?”
He looked at me like I passed gas. “The stockroom is your job, Kit, or have you forgotten? Getting this straightened out is your responsibility, and I expect you to do it quickly and without complaint. And don’t think cleaning up in here means you can shirk the rest of your duties. Product still needs to go out.”
Panic started to set in. “But – you can’t be – there’s no way I can –“
Steve gave me a smug look. “Maybe if you had stayed late last night like I asked, this wouldn’t have happened. When you don’t back your team, you can’t expect your team to back you. Now get to work.”
He left me alone with the mess, and with no other choice, I did as he said. It was a nightmare of a shift. I stayed for hours past when my shift should have ended, skipped my break, and pushed myself to work faster than ever before – but even then, the work was only half finished before the night shift manager decided to show mercy on me and sent me home. I had the sinking feeling that the other half of the mess would still be waiting for me when I showed up the next day. But that was a problem for tomorrow.
With what little energy I had, I managed to drag myself home. Forget playing games, I just wanted to lay down. But when I got home, it turned out my apartment wasn’t empty.
Derek, my landlord, was standing in my kitchen, leaning on the counter and drinking a beer. At first, I thought that maybe I had forgotten that there was an inspection, but then I remembered that Derek never did inspections.
“Kit, my man,” Derek said, nonchalant for someone who had broken into my apartment. “Welcome home.”
I didn’t have the energy to deal with this today. “What are you doing here, Derek?”
“Fridge in my unit went out, and the repair dude can’t make it out here till tomorrow. I got this really nice beer, but it tastes like piss water when it’s warm. Then I remembered that your fridge is usually pretty empty, so I figured I’d come in here to chill them.”
Did I want to know why he was aware of how empty my fridge was? “So, you just let yourself in without permission?”
He held up his hands defensively. “Don’t be like that, man. It’s good. Look, I’ll split my beers with you. This is the good stuff.”
Beer did sound wonderful right at that moment, so against my better judgement I decided to let the home invasion go and held out my hand for one.
“My man,” Derek said with a grin before tossing me a can.
I had to admit, this was pretty good beer. Much better than the cheap swill I could afford from the corner store. It must be nice to have the money to spend on such upgrades.
“You must make good money managing this apartment building,” I commented.
Derek shrugged. “Eh, most months it’s a little more than break even, especially when a bunch of stuff breaks. You know how much those repair guys charge? It’s crazy, man. I thought about raising the rents a bit, but that feels like it would be a dick move, you know? Long as the building isn’t losing money, I’m happy.”
It was true that my rent hadn’t gone up once in the time I had been living here, even though I was aware that prices in the surrounding area had been rising pretty dramatically. I guess I owed Derek that.
“You seem to have the money for all your … recreational activities, though,” I questioned.
“Yeah, I got a deal with my folks,” Derek replied. “Long as I keep the building afloat, I get to access a bit from my Trust every month. It’s a pain, for sure. Sometimes there’s like … multiple things I got to do, you know?”
“I get it. I had … multiple things to do today, too. Enough things that I had to work an eleven-hour shift today. And I’ll probably have to do it again tomorrow.”
“Woah, man, that ain’t right!” Derek exclaimed. “That’s like … the entire day! When do you find time to smoke, and game, and jack off?”
“Lately, I haven’t,” I admitted.
Derek shook his head. “That’s no way to live, man. I couldn’t. What’s the point in life if you don’t enjoy it. We all only get one go round this world, you know? You spend that trip working, you don’t get another chance to do it again. We’re all just cosmic dust, man, brought together to form our selves for a short time before we scatter again. Got to use that time wisely.”
“And by wisely, you mean getting high, playing video games, and jacking off?”
“Hell yeah, man. I mean, I guess you could have other hobbies if they float your boat. That’s just how I like to spend my time. But the important thing is to have fun. Why would you waste your time being miserable?”
I had to think about that. “I guess I’m hoping that, by being miserable now, I’ll earn the right to enjoy my hobbies later.”
Derek shrugged again. “If that’s how you want to live your life, man, more power to you. I hope you get around to enjoying your hobbies before you’re old and grey.”
I took another swig of my beer. “Me too.”
My landlord took his leave shortly after, telling me to help myself to all the rest of the beers in the fridge, which I appreciated. I’d probably need them after my shift the next day.
Before bed, I wanted to check the status of the assignment I submitted the previous day. I doubted there had been time for it to be graded yet, but there was a chance it had been bounced back by my instructor for some formatting issue or missing attachment that would require me to make a fix and send it back. I logged into the school’s website, hoping to not have to do any of that tonight.
I was redirected to a page I had never seen before. On it was an animated logo of the school’s mascot, an anthropomorphic cat wearing an OUS sweater. The cat was seated and crying, with little tear-sprites flying from its eyes. Underneath it, in bold letters, were the words:
We’re sorry! Our plagiarism detection AI has given your latest submission an 80% plagiarism score. As per OUS’s zero-tolerance policies on academic dishonesty, you have been expelled! You will no longer be able to sign up for courses and will not receive credit for courses taken this semester. There will be no refunds for courses you already paid for. We wish you good luck with the rest of your academic journey, and hope you have a great rest of your day!
My first thought was: This is a really insensitive way to tell someone they have been expelled. My second was: Wait, what the fuck, expelled!?
That didn’t make any sense. I had worked hard on that assignment, been careful to properly cite my sources whenever I was paraphrasing, and ensured all the conclusions were my own. There was no way I could have plagiarized.
I tried logging into the school’s website several more times, and each time I was met with the same page. Eventually I was able to locate the contact page, which featured a 24-hour chat helpline. The person I chatted with was able to confirm that I had indeed been expelled for plagiarism and this was not an error. There was no appeal process and I would not be allowed to finish my courses. I spent some time begging into the chatbox for anything that could be done to help me, but I guess I must have gotten annoying because they ended the chat with me.
For a while after that, I sat in silence. It felt like all my plans for the future had gone up in flames in the matter of moments. All that time, money, and effort spent on my education, and what did I have to show for it? What did I have to look forward to? Another day working my ass off cleaning up someone else’s mess.
My entire life, I’d tried my hardest. Whether it was school, work, or social obligations, I always gave everything my best. Even when it left me too exhausted and drained to do anything for fun, I always made sure my responsibilities were met, and I was taking the best action available to me towards my future success.
And where did that leave me? Broke. Alone. Living in a tiny, empty apartment. Working a dead-end job that barely covered rent. With no hopes for the future.
Would it even matter if I didn’t show up to work the next day? Could my life get much worse if Steve chose to fire me for not showing? Would it really matter if I didn’t do much of anything anymore? What if I just … stopped doing all of it? Stopped putting in the effort. Stop exhausting myself. Stop living in the constant anxiety caused by wondering what I was supposed to do next.
Derek’s words suddenly rang true. I only got one life. If you looked at where I was, it was clear that up until now, it had been wasted. It made sense to cease putting in so much time and effort when nothing I did mattered anyway.
It was time to just give up.