The final school bell rings as hundreds of high schoolers rush out of their classrooms. Ethan gets lost in the crowd, smushed between people small and tall. After clearing away from the crowd and going down a less popular route, he looks at his watch.
Ethan (mind): Oh sh-, I’m gonna be late for the bus! I need to go! That damn Wandlord made a scene with that adventure comment. I had to hide in the bathroom for 10 minutes after school to avoid embarrassment.
Ethan begins picking up the pace and running down the halls to leave school. The janitor duo notices him again.
Sharon: Hey, you’re that kid again, stop running, dang it!
Ethan yells back: I have to catch my bus Miss Cleaner!
Michael: Let him off Sharon, he needs to get home.
Sharon: But the ru-
Michael: Screw the rules, halls are wide, running’s not gonna cause any harm…
Just as he says that, a green haired girl turns the corner and Ethan slams into her. Both Ethan and her drop to the floor with a thud.
Michael: …Nevermind
Sharon: Ya see? You owe me ice cream after this ya nimrod.
Michael: Always sweetie pie and ice cream…
Sharon: Don’t call me sweetie pie! She blushes and looks away. Save that for your girlfriend…
Cut to Ethan and the girl.
Ethan: Ow! Watch where you-
Ethan notices a guy behind the green haired girl. He has black curly hair, and is pretty bulky and big.
Big guy: Nice fall Emmy. Now hurry up and answer my confession!
Emmy: I already said no! Leave me alone!
Ethan assesses the situation: This guy is still chasing after her even after a rejection? What is his deal? Anyway, this ain’t nun my business, if she gets harassed that’s her problem, I got a bus to catch!
Cut to a guy on his computer screen reading this.
Reader: What is this main character? No way he’s just letting a girl get sexually harassed like that just to go home earlier. What an asshole!
Writer: I mean, he is being realistic, that IS what most people do in situations like that.
Reader: This is fiction! At least make the main character a little bit likable. If you don’t I’m clicking off!
Writer: Wait! Don’t! Alright you win… I’ll characterize him well now. Buuut, that doesn’t mean he’s going to always be a generic, always helpful and kind romcom mc, this is a parody for a REASON!
Cut back to Ethan walking away. Just as he’s about to get out of the situation and catch his bus a realization appears.
Ethan (mind): Wait, if I just walk away, I’ll get roped into this. I am not tryna be a witness for a court case!
With newfound confidence, Ethan steps in to save the girl from the big, giant… enormous… huge…
Ethan (mind): On second thought, I might have just made a decision I’ll regret in a bit…
Writer: There, he still saves the girl, but he still isn’t the greatest guy. His motivation isn’t exactly “Pure”. Happy now?
Reader: Meh, better than nothing.
Ethan is now between a staggeringly big guy and a helpless girl, he’s nervous and quivering but he still manages to speak.
Ethan: Hey, who are you?
Big guy speaks with a deep and thundering tone: What does that matter to you? This isn’t your problem, this is between me and this b word over here.
Ethan: Dude she said no… wait did you just say b word?
Big guy crosses his arms and rolls his eyes: Uhhh, yeah? The actual word is rude and impolite.
Ethan: So… you are willing to sexually harass a girl, but you won’t curse?
Big guy: Cussing isn’t cool. Those words should NEVER be said.
Ethan: What words? Like ass?
Big guy gasps and backs away: DUDE! You can’t say that!
Ethan: Or what? There’s no teachers here. I can say ass whenever I want.
Ethan walks towards him as he keeps backing away.
Big guy: That’s against school policy.
Ethan: Alright fine, butt.
Big guy gasps again and starts backing away: Those words are still barbaric and gross, even if they aren’t curse words!
Ethan notices him backing up as he says butt.
Ethan: Gross huh? I don’t see how butt, ass, poop, or frick are gross.
Big guy starts sweating and keeps backing up as Ethan presses him.
Big guy: Stop it man, I’m being real! Those aren’t very nice to say!
Ethan: Why you so scared man, I’m not even saying real curses, I’m just saying light stuff. Like piss, pee, hell, heck…
Big guy: I’m warning you man, step off…
Ethan: Dang, damn, darn…
Big guy: Anymore and I’ll…
Ethan: You’ll what?
Big guy: I wil-
Ethan: Crap
Big guy: I swear I’ll tel-
Ethan: Stupid
Big guy: Stop interrupting me I-
Ethan: Turd
Big guy: That’s it. One more time, I dare you to say a bad word ONE MORE TIME.
Ethan: F-
Big guy: Don’t do it.
Ethan: U-
Big guy: Wait, th-that’s an actual bad w-
Ethan: F A R T
Big guy and Ethan just stare at each other, letting the word hang in the air like a, well, fart. They stare into each other's eyes, as the f card has just been played.
Ethan is secretly scared out of his (mind): I’m out of words. If this doesn’t work, I’m cooked.
The big guy raises his fist and holds it high, ready to crash down on Ethan.
Ethan (mind): I’M COOKED! I’M GONNA GET PUMMELED! I’LL BECOME AN EXTREMELY HANDSOME FIST SHAPED PANCAKE THAT CAN BE SOLD AS A MARKETABLE PLUSHIE!
Ethan closes his eyes and braces for impact, ready to become a fist shaped pancake plushie. Except, it never arrives. He opens his eyes only to see a thick finger pointed at him.
The big guy: I’m telling a teacher you said that! That was very mean!
He then stomps off, leaving just Ethan and the green haired girl alone.
Ethan (mind): That was… weird. Bro was built like Sam Sulek but had the personality of a toddler.
Ethan looks behind him only to see Emmy blow a sigh of relief.
Ethan (mind): Crap! I forgot the girl was there! I just said fart and poop in front of an actual girl! She’s going to see me as some weirdo!
Emmy: Thank you so much for getting me out of there, he was so scary~
Ethan (mind): Whew, crisis averted. Either she has dementia or is just ignoring it…
Emmy: It was so brave what you did back there!
Ethan (mind): Dementia.
Ethan looks at his watch.
Ethan: No, I missed the bus!
Emmy: Oh, I’m sorry for that…
Ethan: No worries, I can’t just say ignore a situation like that. I can and almost did
Emmy frowns out of guilt: I made him miss the bus, and now he can’t go home. Such a selfless person being punished…
Ethan notices Emmy’s frown: Don’t be guilty, I can just walk home.
Emmy: Wait then why did you-
Ethan is already halfway across the hallway as he walks out of school with his chest held high.
Emmy (mind): What an interesting guy. Kinda stupid though.
Ethan smugly walks home after a victory: I’m such a kind and courageous person.
Reader: You almost chickened out!
Ethan (mind): I’m so smart too.
Reader: You could have just walked home!
Ethan (mind): And how I defended a poor helpless girl like a knight in shining armor…
Reader: You had to say FART, and POOP, and PISS!
Ethan (mind): Just another perfect day, living in a romcom… Oh right. I’m in a romcom. This sucks.
Ethan now walked less smug and more grouchy as he approached his home.
—-The next day—-
Ethan woke up and did the routine, he brushed his- you know the rest. He began walking to school with only one thing in mind, that green haired girl.
Ethan (mind): That girl had green hair right, meaning she must be in my homeroom. She made me late like that one blonde girl. Hold on, what is it with girls and making me late! I had to walk home by myself like some sort of loner!
Reader: You are literally doing that right now! I’m clicking off, this mc sucks!
Writer: Please! Don’t! At least wait until the beach episode.
Reader: Ahhh… beach episode.
Ethan (mind): Ahhh… beach episode. Wait, why am I thinking about that? Anyway, it might be awkward when I meet her today. I also have the first romcom club meeting today.
As he continued walking, he felt a tap on his right shoulder. Ethan looked that way, but didn’t see a single person there.
Ethan (mind): Some punk is tryna trick me, well I’ll show him a trick! I’ll sock him in his stupid jaw.
Ethan turns to his left with a clenched fist, ready to punch some sucker. He raises his fist and… sees a girl?!
Ethan unclenches his fist: Huh? Who are you?
A smiling girl with short blue hair stands just to the left of him.
Blue: Name’s Skye, you’re the guy who saved Emmy right?
Ethan: Yes, but how’d you know?
Skye: She said a guy at a small height…
Ethan (mind): Small height?!
Skye: With black hair and a little cowlick tuft on his head. I heard you saved her from Dane Dolittle.
Ethan (mind): So that’s the weirdo’s name.
Skye: She also said you said stuff to him to make him back off. What did you say?
Ethan froze up: That girl doesn’t have dementia? She saw everything happen?
She did not in fact have dementia.
Ethan turned around: I can’t just say I said words like crap and stuff to make him run off. That would be too embarrassing! I need to come up with something.
Skye is confused and just sees Ethan turned around for no reason.
Ethan (mind): I got it! I’ll just say I insulted him.
Ethan turns around: I roasted the crap out of him. I dissed his mom, his dead grandma, and called him names!
Skye: What the hell is wrong with you? You are a horrible person, never speak to me again!
Skye then slaps him, leaving a giant red mark.
Cut back to reality.
Ethan (mind): That’ll probably happen if I say that. I’ll just wing it. I believe in myself!
Ethan turns around with massive confidence. He opens his mouth, ready to justify his heroic deeds and not make himself an idiot!
Ethan: I… forgot.
Skye: What? How could you forget, it was like yesterday.
Ethan shrugs: I have dementia?
Skye pauses… then begins laughing: Ahahaha, you’re funny.
Ethan smiles at the compliment: Thanks!
Skye gives a coy smile: Funny looking.
Some random kid walks by and says: Ooooooooooooh. Buuuuurn.
Skye then flicks Ethan’s nose and begins running towards school.
Ethan just stands there stunned: What… What the hell was even that? I am so confused, man.
Reader: Me too.
Write: Me three, and I wrote this stuff!
Cut to Ethan walking into his homeroom. He looks around and notices the same groups, but also some familiar faces. He sees the blonde girl chatting with some other girls, all with multicolored hair in variations of pink and purple. He looks in another direction to see the orange, yellow, and red haired guys chilling, and finally he sees Skye talking with Emmy.
Ethan walks towards Todd and John who are in the far end corner, meaning he has to walk past Emma and Skye. As he walks down the room, moving between desks, he looks at Emma and Skye. Fortunately, they are lost in conversation and don’t pay him any mind. When he arrives, he overhears a conversation between Todd and John.
John: -characters. I’m thinking about bringing… Oh, hey Ethan.
Ethan: Sup, what were y’all talking about?
Todd: We were just uhh discussing…
John: Shhh! Stop talking.
Todd is confused, but then looks towards Ethan and a glow of realization appears on his face.
Ethan: Huh, why won’t you guys talk about it with me?
Todd: Dude, look behind you.
Ethan turns around and sees the orange, red, and yellow haired guys.
Ethan: Ahhhhh, I see. What do you losers want?
Red: Hey, what did we do?
Ethan: Pshhh, whatever man. Just state your business or scram, capiche?
Red: You aren’t some mobster from the 1900’s, stop acting like one. Anyway, listen, we understand we lost our club slot to you guys. We were just wondering what happened with you guys and Ms. Clipton.
Todd: We don’t even know you guys, why should we tell you that?
Red: Ughh, fine. Name’s Randy. Randy Bluefeld. This guy (points to orange hair) is Oscar Gibbs. And this fellow’s Grant Gertrude (yellow hair). Now that you know everyone, can you just tell us what happened? Did you guys even get a club from her?
Todd: Alright, we’ll tell ya.
John: Hold on, should we tell them?
Todd: What do you mean, they did introduce themselves to us.
John: But isn’t it a bit, y’know, uhh weird?
Orange: What do you mean weird, what type of club did you guys choose?
Todd: Hmmm, you know what. We’ll tell you guys on two conditions.
Red: sure
Todd: One, you can’t laugh or get weirded out. Two, you won’t tell anyone else about our club or what it’s about. Got it?
Red: Got it.
Todd: Ok, so we did get a club. Originally, we tried to lie and say we were going to do a literature club, but we would then be forced to read books.
Red: I get it, no one wants to actually read.
Cut to Ms. Clipton teaching in her classroom.
Ms. Clipton: So class- hm. I feel offended for some reason. Anyway…
Cut back to the boys.
Todd: Yeah, so we told our actual club… and she liked it and gave us the go. It’s kinda embarrassing to say out loud, and once you hear it you’ll understand why. It has a lot to do with these idiots' delusions and how they…
Oscar: Yeah, yeah, I don’t care. Stop edging us and get on with it!
Todd: Jeez, alright. Anyway we made a… uhh… romcom club.
Randy: Huh? Romcom club?
John: Let me do the explaining. So, it’s just a club about romance comedies, you know like love is war or nagatoro.
Grant: Ohhhh- I mean, I never heard of those.
Everyone looks at him.
Grant: Fine, I know what those are. He’s talking about romcom anime.
Randy: So what about love being a war and these “anime” (pronounces it ay nime).
Grant: I literally JUST pronounced it correctly, and it's love is war.
Randy: Ok, stop getting your body pillow in a twist you weeb.
Grant: This is why I can never talk about this stuff…
Oscar: Just go on, you curly headed four eyes.
John: Uncalled for, but basically we are researching media like that, finding tropes, and figuring out ways against them.
Red: So you guys were serious about life being a romcom.
Todd: Oh yeah, we haven’t introduced ourselves properly. My name is Todd, Todd Wayward. The guy with a weird cowlick tuft on his head is Ethan Marshall. Curly glasses is John Wandlord. Those two dumbasses think we live in a romcom.
Ethan: Which we ARE-
Todd: Yeah, so they came up with this club to fight against it because they think rom coms are boring…
Grant and John together: They are not!
John (mind): Finally, I have found…
Grant (mind): …a fellow man of culture.
Todd: You guys can become gay lovers later, just let me finish this! Anyway, they are trying to spice up their lives by figuring out tropes before they happen, and use the romcom to their advantage.
Oscar puts his hand on his chin and strokes it (pause): Hmmm… this is a lot to take in.
Randy: No it’s not. All three of you guys are delusional. We don’t live in a romcom and never will.
Todd: I don’t believe in it, how am I delusional?
Randy: You helped them out, and it looks like you are part of their group.
Todd: No! Wait, no. Hold on… Damn it, he’s actually right
Randy: Alright guys, let’s leave. These guys just wasted a club on some bullcrap.
Oscar: Yeah, what a bunch of wackos…
Grant: Pshhh, weirdos (mouths “hit me up later” to John as he walks away)
Oscar: How come she didn’t do our gaming club but let them do something like that?
Randy: Yeah, anyone with common sense knows our lives aren’t in a romcom. But what if… (Randy shakes his head as he’s turned around) No, it can’t. I refuse to believe in such a thing…
Grant: What a horrible, yet unique and interesting club…
Randy: Don’t even THINK about it
Grant frowns: Alright…
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Cut back to Ethan and the rest.
Ethan: What a bunch of jerks.
Todd: Yeah, can’t believe they lumped me in with you…
Ethan: We have literally been friends for, what was it, EIGHT YEARS NOW.
Todd: Well that was before I knew you were some crazy person.
Ethan: John, knock some sense into him!
John was zoned out: huh, oh uhhh, we can do that during the first meeting.
Ethan: Right, we do have a meeting today. So, what are we going to do?
John: I had an idea, we’ll be finding-
Mr. Bradford: Everyone, get to your assigned seats. During homeroom I have some stuff to do…
He then goes on to ramble on about some stuff he is legally obligated to say.
Todd: Ugh, I thought this teacher was chill. He just keeps yapping on and on and…
Mr. Bradford: Hey!
The whole class stands at attention.
Mr Bradford: You! Brown hair!
Todd points to himself as people stare at him: Me?
Mr Bradford: Yeah you, what were you talking about?
Todd: This teacher is getting on my nerves. Nothing, just talking about some stuff.
Mr. Bradford: You think I’m deaf. You think I’m Anne Frank and I can’t hear or see?
Todd: Anne Frank? You mean Hellen-
Mr. Bradford: No, not the jewish girl. That’s it, I heard everything you said, y’know?
Todd (mind): What the actual f- HE’S ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ROOM
Mr. Bradford: Yeah, I got ears. I’m not Anne Frank. Now come up here, and sit with me. I need to make sure you don’t badmouth anyone else.
Todd: Wuh- huh. B-but, Anne Frank wasn’t blind or deaf, you’re talking about Hellen Keller.
Mr. Bradford: Stop talking about the girl with the diary and get up here you nimwit!
Todd: You’re wrong, you see-
Everyone in the class: JUST GO
Todd: ugh fine… stupid class…
Todd reluctantly moves into a desk right next to the teacher, leaving Ethan by himself next to the blonde girl.
Mr. Bradford: While me and this buffoon have a discussion, you can talk to the people next to you.
Ethan (mind): That idiot! Now the only person I can talk to is a…
Ethan looks to his right and sees the blonde girl speaking to another girl next to her.
Ethan (mind): A blondie… hold on. She seems familiar…
The blonde girl turns around and sees Ethan staring intently at her.
Blonde (mind): Ewww… this creep is staring at me like I’m a statue.
Ethan (mind): Why does her face make me want to scam twenty bucks from her…
Suddenly, they gain their brain cells back.
Blonde (mind): Oooooh, it’s the boy who bumped me.
Ethan (mind): It’s the girl with the textbooks!
Ethan looks down at her open backpack.
Ethan (mind): Aaaand she still has textbooks. Chemistry textbooks? We’re in freshman year!
Blonde: Hey, are you the guy who bumped into me yesterday?
Ethan: Yeah, all your textbooks came out.
Blonde: Mhm, I just wanted to say thank you for helping me pick them up! My name is Jessica Clinkton.
Ethan: Oh, I’m Ethan Marshall, and it’s not a problem… wait, this is a golden opportunity actually those books were pretty heavy y’know?
Blonde: Oh, really? But they don’t seem heavy to me…
Ethan: You’d be surprised how heavy your mon- uhh i mean textbooks are. It really hurt my back, could you hand me twenty dollars as compensation?
Jessica: Sure! reaches into her wallet Here you go.
Ethan: Thank you so much. I was so right! She is way too easy to swindle.
Jessica (mind): Wow, he hurt his back to help me. What a kind and generous individual!
Reader: Di-did the MC just scam twenty bucks from a girl?
Writer: Yes, yes he did.
Reader: And he’s supposed to be likable?
Writer: I swear, he gets better eventually. I think… I hope.
Reader: Can’t you just make him likable and not make him an absolute piece of trash?
Writer: It’s not as simple as that! Actually it is as simple as that, I don’t even know- you know what, it’s fine. I’ll just redeem him later.
Reader: You better.
As Ethan started analyzing the freshly stolen dollar bill, Todd came back to his desk after talking with Mr. Bradford.
Todd: -next time, just know the blind girl is Helen keller. Dude, Ethan. I just had the longest conversation with our homeroom teacher about the difference between Helen Keller and Anne Frank. How did a grown ass man get those two mixed up?
Mr. Bradford (mind): He does know I can still hear him right? Whatever, I’m in the wrong for making such a mistake.
Todd: I had to use three different sources, including wikipedia, to convince him.
Ethan: Bro, wikipedia is never a reliable source.
Todd: “Because anyone can edit it” blah blah. Who cares! It’s still right 99% of the time. Anyway, he then started asking questions and…
Ethan began stretching out and inspecting the twenty dollar bill to see if it’s real,
Todd points to the crisp twenty in Ethan’s hand: Where’d you get the twenty? I know for a fact you never bring a wallet, and you are not capable of earning money in any way, shape, or form.
Ethan shoves it in his pocket: Uhhhhh, the funny thing is…
While Todd is questioning Ethan, Jessica told her friend about the interaction she had with Ethan.
Jessica: -And he told me his back hurt while he helped me, so I gave him twenty dollars as thanks. Well, he insisted I did at least… You don’t look too well, what happened girl?
Her friend’s mouth was twisted into a frown and she was looking down, pondering on what to tell her.
Jessica’s friend: This kid just scammed her, and got away with it too! Listen, Jessica…
Jessica: I know, twenty dollars was probably a little much, but he still went out of his way to help me… he’s starting to grow on me…
Jessica’s friend looks back towards Ethan as he was talking with Todd: That guy really caught Jessica’s attention, huh. I can’t just butt myself in, I’ll let her handle it.
Back to Ethan, just as he was about to explain the situation, the school bell rang, signifying the end of homeroom.
Mr. Bradford: Alright you hooligans, get out of here. Make sure not to be like Helen Keller and run into each other!
As he said that, he flashed a thumbs up to Todd, who proceeded to do the same back to him.
Ethan: I’ll talk about it during lunch.
Todd: Sounds go-
Cut to Todd at the lunch table.
Todd: You did what?!
John: Why would you do that?
Ethan: She had textbooks dude!
Todd: So what?
Ethan: We’re in the 21st century, we don’t need textbooks, this means she sucks when it comes to money.
Todd: That doesn’t matter, just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.
Ethan: Coming from a guy who doesn’t have twenty dollars.
John: Still, it’s more surprising that he’s able to talk to a girl than the fact he scammed twenty bucks from her…
Todd: You’re right, back in the day this guy would never talk to any girls, let alone try to scam them. Something’s changed.
Ethan: Oh wow, it’s SOOO surprising that I have the ability to talk to people. I’m not sexy, I don’t discriminate by gender.
Todd: Sexy? You mean sexist?
Ethan: Yeah, whatever. Something related to sex.
John: Hey guys, maybe not talk about this during lunch.
Ethan: What are you talking about? It’s not like-
Ethan looks around to see a bunch of people staring at them.
Ethan: Okay, changing subject, what are we going to do during the, y’know, whispers meeting.
Todd: You do realize the whole point of the club is so that we don’t talk about it in public right.
John: Oh yeah, what happened to the three guys who came out of nowhere?
As he says that, three guys appear from nowhere and walk by their table.
Guy #1: We’re still here.
Guy #2: Never left.
Guy #3: Just been chilling.
Todd gives them a glare and they scurry away.
Ethan: So, what are we gonna talk about during lunch?
Todd: What about the fact that you scammed twenty bucks, how about that?
John: Actually, there might be a good use for that money.
Ethan: What? And you better not say drugs. I already tried galaxy gas, which messed me up for a week.
John: No no, I’m talking about something more useful. A crunchyroll subscription.
Ethan: Pshhh, why would I waste money on that.
Todd: So, we can watch romcom anime for research? Ms. Clipton allowed us to use the tv in her room as long as it’s for “club related activities”.
Ethan: Wait, how do you know she allowed that, we only talked to her to get her to chaperone…
John: He visited her room before the day started.
Todd began blushing: H-how do you know that?
John: I saw you talking with her through the door windows, I also go to school early.
Ethan: Wait, why?
Todd: Yeah man, why? I need to change the subject
John: No.. uhh reason in particular.
Ethan: That’s a bit sus, anyway I am NOT paying for dumb romcom anime. That boring slop doesn’t need my support.
John: What? How else are we supposed to watch it?
Todd: Yeah, pirating isn’t cool, and it’s illegal. The subject has been successfully changed!
Ethan: I don’t care. If it was illegal, why are there so many hen- anime sites out there?
John: Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. We’ve discussed this already. Also, romcoms are a great, wholesome experience with character development and sweet moments.
Ethan: Snoooore, who wants to see two people who clearly end up together, slowly end up together.
John: This isn’t going anywhere. Listen, we need a subscription so we can research romcoms legally. No pirating.
Ethan: But it’s totally free and harmless? I’ve been pirating things ever since I was 5.
Todd: Dude, maybe NOT confess your crimes in an open and public space.
John: I also pirate, and I know for a fact the type of ads there. You really want a teacher to pop in and see “hot ____ in your area” plastered on the screen.
Ethan thinks for a second: ..hmmm, you’re right. Sigh I’ll get a crunchyroll subscription.
John: Awesome!
Todd begins to pack up his things and put them in his backpack.
Ethan: Hey, why are you putting your lunch away?
Todd: Lunch ends right now, pay attention man.
Ethan looks at his lunchbox full of food: Crap! Not again! Wait for me!
John and Todd both don’t pay him mind as they walk away while the lunch bell rings.
Cut to Ethan walking in the hallways by himself.
Ethan (mind): Those idiots left me alone, and they expect me to sacrifice my twenty for some dumb subscription? I will NEVER support those lame and generic romcoms, maybe if they were actually entertaining.
As Ethan walks by, he shoulder bumps into a girl, the girl just so happens to be Jessica Clipton.
Ethan (mind): Ugh… it’s this girl again. Wait, it’s this girl again! Haha, this’ll show them!
Rewind to before Jessica ran into Ethan. Jessica is walking with her friend in the hallway, discussing boys.
Jessica’s friend: I think the perfect guy would be someone generous and generous and he wouldn’t care about superficial things like money or status.
Jessica: Yeah, a guy like that is soooo my type. Who cares about money…
Jessica’s friend flashes her a look, saying with her face “caught ya”.
Jessica: Well, money is still a good thing y’know…
Jessica’s friend: I thought he shouldn’t care about money, he should do good things for the sake of doing good things? I promised not to butt in, but I have to! I’ll save you girl!
Jessica: Maybe you’re right… Ethan really only cared about money, and probably only helped me because of what other people might say. Might just be a bad idea to go for him…
Jessica and her friend split up, and just as she turns a corner, Ethan bumps into her. Ethan first has a face of disgust, then it turns to happiness.
Ethan: Ahh, Jesse, just the person I was looking for!
Jesse: It’s Jessica actually.
Ethan: Oh, I’m uhh… bad with names? Anyway, I just wanted to give you this back.
Ethan whips out the crumpled twenty dollar bill from his pocket.
Ethan: I really don’t deserve this, I mean just because I picked up your textbooks doesn’t mean I’m entitled to monetary gain.
Jessica: Wow, I’m so happy! You are so… generous! And kind! I am SO relieved right now.
Ethan: It’s just twenty dollars, nothing to get too worked up about. Sorry for asking for this in the first place. See you later.
Jessica: See ya!
Jessica (mind): Oh. Em. Gee. Brittany was so wrong! This guy doesn’t care about money or status, he was doing it out of pure heart. He has nothing but good intentions!
Ethan (mind): Wow, I can’t believe that went so smoothly. I managed to get my revenge against the boneheads, not give money to those damn rom com writers, and I can just write it off as a good act!
Jessica smiles: He’s so awesome.
Ethan smiles wider: I’m so awesome!
Finally, the time arrives for the dreaded… FIRST. EVER. Romance Comedy Research club meeting!
Ethan is in a great mood after pulling off his genius tactic. He’s tugging on his backpack straps and whistling a merry tune. He then walks slowly down the hallway straight towards room 305, Ms. Clipton’s room. As Ethan is walking, Todd is also seen walking down the hallway.
Todd (mind): Man, school’s barely begun and I already have so much homework to do… And now I have to do some dumb club! At least I can just relax there and watch some anime. If I have to do one more function I’m gonna blow!
Todd did not have a good day, so he has scowl on his face, is walking with more force, and is scratching all sorts of parts of his body (not those parts you weirdo).
John is also walking towards her room, this time anxious yet enthusiastic for what is to come.
John (mind): Oh man, this is gonna be awesome. I can just watch romcoms and also we can figure out… no point of thinking about it now.
Reader: Oh come on, just tell us what’s going to happen!
Writer: Sorry, but you’ll need to find out for yourself.
As Ethan approached the room, he found himself surrounded by John and Todd who also arrived at the same time.
Ethan: Hey guys, funny seeing us all come at the same time.
John: Quite the coincidence.
Todd: JUST a coincidence.
Ethan: Alright, let’s stop standing around and head in.
Ethan opens the door and allows his friends to pass.
Ethan smirks: Ladies first.
Todd rolls his eyes as he walks in: Real mature dude, real mature.
John: Hehe… he called you a lady.
They all go inside and see the average English classroom, bookshelves, desks, but there is a spot with a tv, a couple normal chairs, and a beanbag chair.
Ethan: Damn, you were right. This english classroom has a tv… for some reason. Wait, are these tissues…
Ethan sees a tissue box right next to the beanbag chair.
Ethan whispers to Todd: Don’t take the beanbag chair
Todd whispers back: Why not… oh I see now.
Ethan: Who would do it here? I mean she’s an adult woman…
Todd: Girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Should we, uhh, spill the beans to John?
They both look towards John, who is just browsing the mini library with a smile.
Ethan now calls for John: Hey, let’s get to work man.
John: Oh yeah, of course. By the way, what were you guys whispering about?
Todd: Nothing too important…
John: Alright, oooh I call the beanbag chair!
Todd: Are you sure you want to come and take that chair?
Ethan: Might be a tissue to sit on that chair. Might get too comfortable, you know what I mean? You could just stick to it forever, white?
John: Pshhh, you guys are just jealous I called dibs first.
John settles into the uhhh, beanbag chair and gets comfy.
Ethan whispers to Todd: I literally gave him every hint I could, his obliviousness is outstanding.
Todd whispers back: They do say ignorance is bliss… let’s not bring this up again.
John notices them whispering: So, Ethan?
Ethan: What is it?
John: Do you have the money, I can pay for the subscription and you can just pay me back.
Todd: Oh, right. Let’s watch some stuff, I really need to blow off some ste-
Ethan: Don’t got it.
John and Todd are taken aback, staring at him with confusion.
John: What do you mean, how did you already spend it?
Todd: You’re kidding… right man? This is just a JOKE right?
Ethan: Does it look like I’m joking with you?
Todd grabs Ethan’s collar: Yes, it DOES. Now, hand over the money and let’s just relaaax.
Ethan: Listen, I gave the money back to her. I felt bad for scamming someone as gullible as her.
Todd: What? That isn’t the Ethan Gaylord Marshall I’ve known.
John: Yeah… that definitely does not sound like something you’d do. His middle name is gaylord? And he makes fun of my name…
Ethan crosses his arms: I didn’t know you all thought of me like some sort of villain, I’m a nice person… sometimes.
Todd let’s go of his shirt: He’s not lying, I checked his pockets. He really doesn’t have the money.
John: Welp, that’s fine. I intended for us to do something else anyway.
Ethan: Like what?
John: Don’t worry, I’ll tell you in just a sec…
John opens his backpack and takes out his personal laptop. He begins typing away as he talks.
John: So, here’s what we know. We live in a romcom, specifically a highschool one. We can tell this by the multi-colored hair, skirt lengths of the uniforms, and other common tropes. Our homeroom class has a majority of these multi-colored hair characters, who will most likely be side characters.
As John rambles on, Todd goes on his phone and begins playing some mobile game.
John: One thing we don’t know is who the main character is.
Ethan: Oh, that’s not a problem. It’s me.
John: Well, we don’t know that for sure…
Ethan: Ugh, I guess you are right, it’s either you or me.
John: You’re forgetting about Todd.
Todd looks up from his game.
Todd: Oh, I’m not part of this.
John: Yes you are, all three of us are equally likely to end up as the main character.
Todd: Well, isn’t everyone the protagonist of their own story?
Ethan: Stop getting philosophical and just follow along. This isn’t our story, it’s a generic story written by some lonely loser.
Writer: Hey!
Reader: He’s kinda right though.
Writer: I know…
John: He’s right this isn’t your own personal story anymore, once we find out who the mc is of us three, we can center our plans around them.
Todd: Wait… how do we know that another person in our homeroom isn’t the main character.
Ethan: Would you really want those multi-haired schmucks to be the mc?
Todd: Hmmm… Alright, how are we gonna find the main character? It’s not like there’s a criteria, each mc is different for each story.
John: That is where you’d be wrong. You see, there’s this tool called the internet, a massive database of rom coms and their tropes. And in the World Wide Web, there lies a tool to tell just what type of person you are using terabytes of data…
John turns the computer around, Ethan and Todd gaze at it in utter disbelief. Ethan’s eyes were wide, two pairs locked onto the glowing screen. It gets revealed, showing… a quiz website.
Ethan: What type of fruit are you?
Todd: “Take this easy quiz and figure out what fruit you are.”
Ethan: Why the hell do we need to know what fruit I am?
John: We’ll be using these quizzes to tell who the mc is. Whoever gets the main character in one of these quizzes is officially the protagonist!
Ethan and Todd look at one another with flat mouths and dull eyes. They look back to a smiling John.
Ethan: So we are trusting fartslayer2069 and people like him who make these quizzes to decide our decision making for the following months.
Todd: Congrats.
John: Thank you!
Todd: No, congrats on beating the stereotype that people with glasses are smart.
John: Wh-why don’t you come up with an idea then?
Ethan: Simple. We just… I-uhhh. We can… no. How bout… that won’t work. Hmmm…
Todd: Alright, give me the damn laptop.
John: Well, it’s not the best idea, but it is still our biggest lead right now.
Todd starts clicking and answering the questions.
Todd: So… are we just gonna find out what fruit we are and call it a day?
John: No, we first need to take a couple quizzes to tell the reliability of these, then we’ll take a “which romcom character are you?” quiz and see who it is. I found a couple users who made a quiz like that, and they all also made other types of quiz-
Ethan: I got an idea! We can do online personality tests to see if we match up… wait. Crap.
John flashes Ethan a smug look: Anyway, this is the first user’s quiz, tell me when you’re finished.
Todd: Done. I got… grapes? It says I’m a person who hates grapes.
Ethan: Well, do ya?
Todd: No. I love grapes. They are round, and hard, and juicy… and I should stop talking.
John: Move on to the next one, then. Let me take over.
John moves the laptop towards him.
John: oooh, this user made a “Which anime character are you?” quiz. We don’t even need to do the romcom one.
Ethan: Sounds good, let me do it.
Ethan grabs the laptop and gets ready to answer the questions.
Ethan: What’s your favorite anime, Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT, or Dragon Ball Z kai. This is supposed to tell what character I am?
Todd: Ignore the questions and just answer honestly, the fruit one was talking about my “Social Security Number” and “Home Address” or whatever.
John and Ethan give a concerned look: (Simultaneously) Did you actually put them in?
Todd: What am I five? I wouldn’t fall for something as stupid as that, I put in Ethan’s info.
Ethan: What was that last part?
Todd: uhhhh, nothing.
Ethan: Going back to the quiz… How many times do you watch h-, never. I would- I would never do such horrible acts.
John: You know your parents have access to your incognito search history, right?
Todd is paying no mind, and is just going on his phone with his brows furrowed and his eyes squinting.
Ethan: Pshhh, so what? I don’t have anything to hide. I’m breaking my computer tonight.
Todd doesn’t even look in their direction: Don’t worry, I’ve caught Ethan doing a lot worse than what you’re thinking.
Ethan: Ooookay, next question. Do you like cats or dogs? Neither, they both taste the same.
John and Todd: WHAT?!
Ethan: Calm down, it’s just a joke. Moving on, boobs or butts. Hmmm, personality. Who am I kidding, boobs. Final question, would you kill a random person in the world for ten thousand dollars.
John: That’s easy, a human life is worth much more than-
Ethan: Yes. Okay, final results are: I’m the funny but narcissistic character who gets too much screen time. Huh, why is this so specific? I thought it would be like Goku or something.
John: That seems pretty accurate, let me give it a go. What’s your favorite anime, oreimo, don’t search that up. What’s my favorite manga,Eromanga sensei, don’t search that up. Finally, no I would not kill a random person, that is immorally wrong. Let’s see… I should get a chivalrous side character who has a slow burn roman- no. No no no.
John covers his hands with his eyes, clearly disappointed.
Ethan: Yo, what happened? Was it bad? Oh. Damn.
Todd looks up: Did you get it? It can’t be THAT bad right?’
Ethan, trying to hold laughter, turns the laptop screen towards Todd.
Todd: Nerdy side character no one likes?! That’s a type of character?
Ethan: Apparently, and it just so happens our favorite four eyes is one.
John: It’s wrong, it’s clearly wrong! I am not a nerd, and plenty of people like me!
Ethan: Quiz never lies man, quiz never lies.
Todd: I’ll do it now, this time I’ll just make it quick.
Todd blitzes through the questions at astounding speed.
Todd (mind): Favorite food? Who cares? What does my height have to do with anything? Whatever, let’s just get this over with…
Todd: Aaaand done. Let’s see…
…
Todd remains silent as Ethan and John (now recovered) try to look over. As they try to peek, Todd turns the laptop away.
Ethan: Hey, what’s the result?
John: You saw mine! This isn’t fair.
Todd: I plead the fifth, you can’t look, this isn’t consensual!
Ethan: Look! Ms. Clipton’s naked behind you!
Todd looks behind him at a staggering speed: Really? Wait a minute…
Ethan: Stop being a baby, I didn’t exactly get the best… HAHAHAHAHA.
Ethan starts cracking up as soon as he sees the answer. John looks as well and begins smiling as well.
John: A bit apt for you, isn’t it?
Todd: NO IT ISN’T! I am not a Delusional Crazy Psycho! I am the only sane one here.
Ethan: Figures, you still don’t believe we’re in a romcom.
Todd: Ugh, this user is messed up in his head.
Ethan: Nah, that quiz was on point! Let’s do his romcom character quiz.
John: I mean the quiz did have a point, you’re delusional, you’re narcissistic, and I’m nerdy. Won’t hurt.
Todd: Let me take it first! I got the worst one. It’s actually pretty short.
A minute later, Todd easily completed it and all three boys anticipated the result.
Todd (mind): Please be normal, please be normal.
Ethan (mind): Please be horrible, please be horrible.
John (mind): Do people actually hate me out there?
And the result is…
Todd: The straight man? What the hell is that?
Ethan: That’s not bad! It should be spot on… riiight?
Todd nods slowly as Ethan lets out a sigh of relief.
John: Straight man huh, I really hate straight men…
Ethan: Woah, what did you say? Mind repeating that?
John: No, you don’t understand. The straight man character is usually part of the main cast and all they do is act as the “sensible” one and point out how dumb a character’s actions are. Essentially, you repeat the jokes and act as the control variable.
Todd: So what you’re saying is… I’m the normal one.
John: That’s not necessarily good, straight men usually worsen the comedy by turning funny jokes into straight faces and adding unnecessary comments. Overall, lots of people don’t like straight men.
Ethan: You really need to think about the word choice.
John: Oh just shut up.
Ethan: How about you take the quiz next Mr. I hate straight men?
John rolls his eyes: Alright, but if that becomes my nickname I’m punching you. My last name is already weird to begin with.
Todd looks at his hands: I’m a straight man? I mean I already knew that, but… Am I really ruining the comedy? Wait… why am I getting so worked up? It’s not like life’s a romance comedy with people watching my every move or something… right?
As Todd contemplates his life, John easily finishes the test.
John: I got the results, come closer you guys.
All the guys lean in to see…
John: Meta/Self aware character?
Ethan: Hmmm… a romcom character who makes references to other pieces of media a lot and compares tropes with their own series. That matches up well, I would say. Not as much as the last quiz.
John: Better than being a straight man.
Todd: You really need to hear yourself as you say that.
Ethan: Wait, so if both of you guys aren’t the mc, then that makes me win by default right?
John: Nuh uh, don’t try to weasel your way out of this one. You still have to take the test.
Todd: Yeah, can’t know for sure. We gotta trust the internet and Onepiecefan2931.
Ethan cracks his knuckles: Let’s make this quick then.
As Ethan blitzes through each and every question, he begins to think about the possibilities.
Ethan (mind) Come on, I have to be the protagonist. It’s not Todd oWandlord, it has to be me. I can’t accept a reality where I’m a side character…
Ethan is on the last question, which U.S state is the best. Ethan puts in Florida as time slows down just as he presses the enter key.
Ethan (mind): Come on…
John (mind): He’s our last hope…
Todd (mind): Technically, I’m the only straight one here…
The results pop up.
All three guys: YESSSS
You are: The Male Main Character!
Celebration time! All boys are high fiving, John congratulates Ethan as Todd begins to dance (because he realized he’s the straight guy, not because of Ethan’s mc status). It’s going amazing! Suddenly, a knock is heard coming from the door.
Todd: I got it.
Todd walks towards the door as both boys anxiously wait.
Ethan: Were you expecting someone to arrive?
John: No, it’s just supposed to be us.
Ethan (mind): Who could it be? One of the girls? No way. Red hair, yellow hair, or orange hair? A possibility, but not likely. The giant? If it is, I can probably fight him back like last time. Who the hell is it?
Todd sees a tall silhouette in a womanly shape right outside, he opens the door and finds…
Todd puts on the biggest smile of his life: Ms. Clipton?
Ms. Clipton: Hello there Todd.
Todd: What brings you here?
Ms. Clipton: Is there… (she looks at a piece of paper) an Ethan Marshall in here?
Ethan raises his hand: That’ll be me.
Ms. Clipton: Come on over!
Ethan walks towards her: Is it because of the twenty dollars? Did that blonde tell her I scammed her? Is it about the blue haired girl? No… did red hair snitch and someone filed a report? We can’t shut down the club!
Ethan’s heart starts pumping as the suspension is high.
Ms. Clipton: Ethan…
Ethan: Yes? What could it be… What could it be?!
Ms. Clipton: You… have detention.
Ethan’s expression quickly turns into a surprised look.
Ethan, Todd, and John (mind): WHAT?!
End of episode 2.