Depression was an old friend.

We've met when I was diagnosed with my first relapse in my previous life. After that, we stuck together for a while. In the end, I went through all phases of mourning and accepted my fate and that's when we parted ways for good.

Or so I thought. Back she was. Yes, I like to see her as a snuggly, clingy, girlfriend, trying to stick close to you at all times, weighing you down but not in a bad way. It feels like she belongs at your side.

I don't know how I came back home. Did Gel carry me using her newfound powers or did I walk home on my own two legs? Who cares?

I was thrown in a world of fantasy by [them]. I was allowed to have a look at magic, I could admire martial heroes, even almost get a taste of Chi, how ironic. Only to have it taken away from me. Like a starving kid taken to an ice cream vendor only to watch the others have a bite. The never-ending torment of Tantalus.

I was angry with [them], whoever they were. [They] were just toying with me. Was it fun? Did you laugh at my face when my crystal stayed blank? Did you enjoy the show? Seeing my growing hope before crushing it!

My anger dispersed quickly. There was no one to vent it on. [They] were too cowardly to answer me.

I was left with this shitty life.

I was stuck in a kid's body, in a medieval backwater, and with no powers. Even the blessing I've worked so hard to get was shit. It brought me no power other than flaunting the pantheon's name in front of the others. It was good enough to impress a bunch of religious peasants but nothing more.

I was able to put up with the cold, the hunger, the life-threatening monsters, the need to piss and shit in a chamber pot, having to watch the deaths around me, or even the itchy clothes...

I've endured a lot. Just because there was the promise of a heroic tale, powers making it worth it, facing the monster god one day or whatever grand scheme could be at play. There had to be a reason for my rebirth.

But there was nothing. Just meaningless sufferings and hardships. What was the point? Why drag me from another world, make me grieve for loved ones once more, just to leave me powerless?

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The next day, I told my mother that I was feeling unwell so I could skip going to the palace. I also had her keep Gelcaria away, pretexting I was ill and somewhat contagious.

Truth is, I didn't want to see them. Didn't want to see the pity in their eyes.

I wasn't some crippled boy they could look down on. I had a doctorate in science, was a vet and had a much deeper understanding of the world than any of those barbarians. Who said they could look down on me just because I couldn't use magic?

Well, I said it.

What use was there to know how to prescribe antibiotics when there were none around and when a priest of a god of pestilence could cure your infection with magic?

What was the use to know the laws of gravity when there were no rockets around and people still believed the stars were shiny jewels in the sky?

What was the use for the law of electricity when there was no power plant nor lightbulb to light?

What was I supposed to do with their sticks and stones? They barely knew how to make pig iron and most of their tools were bronze. They were ignorant and archaic, cavemen living under the threat of beasts, cowering in their cold, damp caves. Their world confined to the shadows cast on the walls.

I spent the whole day laying on my futon. I was feeling exhausted. The last of my energy was somehow sapped out. The simplest move required more energy than I currently had. Maybe it was everyone's worry about my lack of Chi that made me realize how weak I actually was.

Now that I was thinking about it, my body was feeling so heavy. Like it was filled with lead, yet it still felt like an empty husk.

And I was cold. The attic was full of currents and I was tired to always feel cold in this world. The chill was seeping in my limbs, dulling my senses and making it uncomfortable.

I somehow found the strength to go downstairs and drag myself to our backyard, to just lay on the grass near Godzilla.

She had stored a bit of sun-warmth and was radiating it back, the feel of her warm bronze scales eased my mood a bit.

Even she was looking at me with ridicule, hissing at me to ask: “What are you doing here, Human? Stealing my heat? Not learning magic? You are just good enough to stay with the pets.” She was right. At least it was a bit warmer near her.

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I didn't have much of an appetite this evening. I still drank some beet-like, red-as-blood, soup to reassure my parents. I wasn't gravely sick, just tired. It was a plausible explanation. I was still a kid yet I've been working day and night for the palace. It was expected for me to have some kind of backfire and they agreed that I deserved a day off.

I went back to the attic early, wanting to just stay under my futon for the rest of time.

But Gelcaria had other plans.

I couldn't stop her from climbing up. Had I tried that she would just have blown up the shutters.

Her purple eyes were gleaming in the darkness of my room. “Are you fine there? Your mother said you were sick. Please tell me that in all of Fusaad's leakings you didn't catch anything bad.” She sounded genuinely worried.

For once I wasn't in the mood to have her stick around. I needed some time alone. “Don't worry, I'm fine. But you'd better not stay, lest you catch my cold too.” I lied to have her leave me alone. Yesterday's sting was still sharp and I couldn't stand the constant reminder of what I missed on. She was like my phantom limb pain.

She scoffed at my warnings: “Don't worry I've always been tougher than you were. I won't get sick.” She was rubbing salt on my wounds.

I couldn't refrain from replying, “Yeah, yeah, we all know how strong you are, good for you. I'm just tired, leave me alone please.” I sounded a bit angrier than I wanted to.

She was stunned for a moment, looking at me with wariness. “Is it because of yesterday?” She finally inquired, “Does it matter this much if you can't use Chi? According to the princess, it is very rare for commoners to be able to, so don't feel too bad about it.” Somehow her condescension and childish attempt at consoling me felt even worse.

Now I was getting really annoyed with her, “Great, that makes it all better,” I snarled back at her, “It's easy for you to say. You've got everything. Magic, Chi, the attention of a god. You didn't even have to try to. It all came to you. Well, guess what? Not everyone had it that easy!” I let my frustration out.

She frowned, I went overboard and poked the dragon. “You think it is easy.” She pointed at her amethysts eyes burning with fury, “You think I asked for any of this? You think I liked it? You think it is easy?” She was punctuating every questions by shoving me in the shoulders with her index. This was getting annoying. I didn't want to argue with a kid tonight.

“Yeah that's what I think and if you are not happy with it, just leave me alone. I don't feel like arguing with you. I'm sick and tired, just let me rest.” I tried to push her back but I could have kicked a stonewall for the same result.

She raised her hand in front of her: “I'm going to hurt you if you keep going on.” She warned me.

This was too much. She was coming to my place to annoy me and now she was abusing her powers and flaunting them in front of me. “Do that and I'll hate you. GO away NOW!” I finally exploded.

This finally reached her. I think she never saw me get angry at her. She was shocked for a moment and I thought she was going to beat the crap out of me. Her face was a mix of anger, shock and puzzlement. She was at a loss and on blue-screen mode. I was about to wave my hand in front of her to see if she was still there when she turned around and left in a hurry without a last retort.

I was feeling bad after venting on her like this. Sure it was unfair, she had nothing to do with my condition, but I wasn't in need of her pity.

Right now I just wanted to sleep.

But the arms of Morpheus weren't coming to hug me. My heart was pounding with anger and a mix of guilt and adrenaline that made it hard to fall asleep.

That night, I had feverish dreams. Remembrance of the monster tide. Except I was alone, powerless, and without any mean to protect myself when the lobster-thing caught me in its pincers. This time is was quartered in an explosion of gore as my spine was shredded. I felt the pain, as sharp as the torture in the void. I watched my guts spreading on the floor as I felt myself dying once more.

I woke up drenched in cold sweat. Trembling in fear and cold.

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I must have had one hell of a look in the morning. My mother got worried when she saw me on the morrow. I was sleep-deprived so I can imagine how my eyes must have sunken a lot more. I didn't inherit my father's Chi, just his shitty sunken eyes.

I lied to her that I would stop by the temple later today for a check up. She wanted to come along but I managed to talk her out of it. I wasn't a baby and didn't need my mother to take care of me.

After making sure for the fifth time that I was not sick, they finally left me alone in the house.

Instead of going to the temple, I spent my day lazying around, trying to find some rest. Again, I ended up near Godzilla to look for some warmth but the reptile was unhappy that I was using her as a stove. She even tried to bite my hand away.

This evening no one came to bother me.

The next day too, I was left to the rehashing of my failures. I bet the others were already learning to wield magic or reach superhuman speed. I could only swear at Shinpilo and the other gods he was covering for. If [They] were the one who were fucking with me, then I wasn't going to play their game any longer.

For three days I was left to swallow my spite, licking my wounded pride.

On the afternoon of the fourth day I was brought out of my torpor. Someone was banging at the door of the house so strongly that the whole building was shaking. Luckily everyone else was busy working outside.

When I finally arrived at the main door, the wood was almost cracking under the ramming.

“Open Telerios! This is a command from your princess!” Was yelling Moatimu from the other side.

Tch, yet another pain in the arse. After Gel, now it was the princess that came to flaunt her power in front of the poor-Chi-less kid me.

I opened anyway, I didn't want her to break the door. “What do you want? A princess shouldn't be here in the commoners' quarter.” I welcomed her with an unpleasant tone.

She paused for a second to look at me, not trying to hide her disgust for the powerless commoner I was: “You look like shit, Tel!” She finally uttered. No more respectful “teacher”. How quickly things turn around. The moment you are without power, people start showing their true faces.

I didn't like her tone, nor the fact that she would come just to belittle me. Just a few months ago the girl was just some dumb illiterate. Her birth shouldn't give her the right to come insult me in my home. If I was born in her shoes, who knows what thing I could be able to do?

I replied out of spite, “And you look like a sassy brat, that makes us even. Now leave me alone.” I wanted to slam the door at her but she was faster than I was and blocked it with her hand. I knew I wouldn't win against her in a contest of strength. What she lacked in brain she made up for in brawns and, of course, Chi.

“What do you want?” I asked a bit dispirited. I was tired and just wanted her to leave me alone as quickly as possible.

She looked haughtily at me, “In case you forgot, you are working for me! And you are slacking from duty. I came to check on you.” Her tone was harsh but softened a bit in the end.

“Well I'm fine. Consider me leaving my position. There isn't much I was teaching you anymore anyway.” Again I tried to close the door, to no avail.

“I'm the one who decides when you leave my suite,” she proclaimed. “And right now my grandfather summoned you. You are to present yourself immediately at the jade garden,” her tone wouldn't suffer a refusal, yet I felt like rebuking the little girl.

She was just 8 springs old and I wasn't going to let her command me around. “Tell him I'll come when I get the time. I have things to deal with at the temple for now,” I lied.

She didn't try negotiating, she's always been quite hot-headed: “Seize him!” She ordered and Hamy, her bodyguard, fell on me like a hawk. Before I could react I was carried on the guard's back, fists and feet tied up.

This was too much. What was she taken me for? Some kin of slave she could toy with at her every whim? “You bitch! Let me go! I'm a blessed one from the temple, what do you think you are doing? This is an abuse of power.” I was yelling at her. Luckily for her, the neighbourhood was empty during the day as most people were at work.

“Gel, gag him,” ordered Moatimu.

Only now did I realize that Gel and Melodi were among the princess' escorts. I warned Gel: “If you do that I'll bite you.” She didn't care much. She was barely looking at me before thrusting a piece of cloth into my mouth and binding it around my head.

My following insults toward them were lost in an incomprehensible mooing.