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Dromund Kaas, 3655 BBY
Darth Humerus considered himself a different breed than the other Sith of this age, for one - he had a sense of humor, hence Humerus. Because Humorous was a little too on the nose.
Also Darth Humerus the Humorous just flowed just right, it had pizzazz!
He'd probably given his fellow Sith too much credit though…
Because unfortunately no other Sith ever got it, or laughed at the silly joke, not even when he reached out with the force and snapped their humerus.
There was plenty of screaming, and how did you do that!? And ranting and monologuing, but no appreciation for a good joke.
Honestly, the lack of appreciation for many arts in his fellow Sith was just appalling. They also picked up new things so gosh darn slow. Take how hard it was for them to understand how easily he overpowered most of the silly buggers for example - yet they still tried to kill him for various Sith inspired reasons.
Reasons which usually were as simple as - because he happened to be around, or because he opened his mouth, there were a lot of the second one honestly. Most of his fellow Sith seemed to be mentally deficient in some manner, which explained the lack of a funny bone too.
That didn't make sense, but it didn't have to, because Sith never made sense.
He was a very different breed from the others.
He had studied Sith Alchemy and Sith Magic instead of practicing how to penetrate others with religious fervor. Honestly, lightsaber training had just seemed a tad bit too homoerotic for him.
It's not like the Emperor ever needed to go wave a saber around, and as Humerus was his only real apprentice (despite great effort from Emperor Vitiate to change that) it's not like he needed to go all sexy time with the other little Siths.
Others sure, but Sith were just a tad possessive for his taste. Really bad at the whole no thing.
Not that there was anything wrong with what a being got up to with another being, he partook himself gladly all the time - he just preferred more traditional passions.
Preferably ones not involving burning plasma.
Or he had, before all those things kind of didn't become a concern anymore.
So the rest of them played their silly little games, murdering each other willy nilly, playing with their big… Tools. Just to turn around and be absolutely shocked, when they got murdered in turn, usually by an apprentice.
Like he said. Mental deficiencies.
And while they played and died, Darth Humerus played and lived. Because Alchemy and Magic was beyond bullshit.
The force was crazy to begin with, but once you became steeped into the various mysteries of Sith Alchemy and Magic, things like reaching through another Sith Lord and his power with a thought, and snapping their bones - became something rote, not anything he needed to concentrate hard on anymore.
It was because of the great snappening fifteen years ago, that he'd been banished from polite society, only now allowed to return to Dromund Kaas.
In his defense, his newly found appreciaton for slapstick humor had been interesting to play with, and he'd figured eventually he'd run into a Sith that would get the joke.
Hundreds of broken Sith later, no one had, and the Emperor's Wrath had politely asked him to go on vacation for a few years.
Preferably in another galaxy if he'd please.
He'd been a nice fellow. Even if he hadn't gotten the joke either. Then again, old grumpy Vitiate had hired him on, and that guy could never take a joke.
Vitiate was still sore that the apprentice he took on, intending to send him on suicidal quests for Vitiate's own amusement, until he died horribly - instead became immortal and eventually changed his name from the edgy one he'd once received - to Humerus.
It had been a bit excessive for his old master to try and kill him for over 100 years after, but considering he was still fucking Revan somewhere for the past like 300 years, he figured he was just vastly more annoying then Revan and made Vitiate back off in disgust.
Revan and Malak had been somewhat fun, too bad they'd done their utmost to avoid him until they left for Republic space for some reason.
And now here he was again, after fifteen years of no random Siths pissing in his cereal, back to his workshop, his bastion of insanity, where he'd bent the limits of reality - mostly because of boredom.
Honestly after a few hundred years, only sex and trolling people was ever any fun anymore.
Darth Humerus looked around his old workshop, scratching a face tendril, squinting at what lay therein.
In retrospect, when one worked in matters of crazy space magic and biological horrors twisted behind what any sentient being could handle - one should probably not leave one's workshop unattended for fifteen years.
The Empire's Wrath had been very insistent however.
And he had been meaning to do a wide spanning tour of the best prostitutes in the galaxy anyways.
Hah, it had been fifteen years well spent.
His retinue of minders screeched something behind him that he ignored. If they were important, he'd have remembered their names. Maybe. He looked around his old workshop with undisguised curiosity, taking in the strange happenings.
The Terentatek corpse he'd used for his most successful experiments seemed to be glowing, and also floating. Both of which should probably not be happening. It was several hundreds years old though, so maybe they did that at such an age?
That was slightly concerning, he thought, his robes flapping in the wind, eying the beast who he had so cunningly defeated as a young apprentice. Who needed lightsabers to do such things anyway?
Of course he was pretty sure Vitiate had just wanted to be rid of him when he gave him the task to kill it.
Honestly, if he'd been a more attentive master, he wouldn't have been so surprised when Darth Humerus sank into Alchemy and Magic and came out as he was.
It was really all his fault. Crappy teacher.
He'd never bothered to teach him lightsaber stuff, for which he was actually thankful, he didn't not want to imagine himself and Vitiate doing any penetrating of any kind.
He was an ancient pervert, but even he had standards.
He did better with tutaminis than sword waving anyway… He fingered the rings of bone adorning his facial tendrils, Terentatek bone, with Sith runes glowing in a sinister red light on its surface. Not that he needed it often, it had been one of his more genius ideas to expand a Terentatek's natural immunity to the force and damage, and spread it across his body.
The Sith and the odd Jedi who attacked him - thought it very impressive, or so he assumed anyway, when they tried to penetrate him with abject failure and began blathering nonsense.
Honestly, yelling it's impossible and you can't do that! To a person who was literally doing it, proving it very possible, was going to achieve what, exactly?
People didn't have any imagination, it was always, you can't do that, it's a whole moon! To, nooo, you can't mate a Rancor with a Gizka that's not physically possible…
Hah, he'd shown them.
Oh… He had shown them!
Oh, there he went rambling in his thoughts again, he tapped the bone jewelery/ritual powered adornments. That was definitely not there when I was here last… He thought with some interest, looking at the main attraction of the workshop currently.
He eyed the swirling portal taking up the entirety of the far wall, the phenomena responsible for the windy conditions, as it sucked up his workshop to whence it disappeared into the void, or whatever the portal led to.
He'd been dreading having to clean up after fifteen years, so it was a definite plus, honestly.
A shame he had no idea which of his many crimes against nature was responsible however. He always liked to know how exactly he destroyed/fixed something. It was always so frustrating to have to guess.
And Vitiate always screamed so much at him if he blew up a planet by accident. Which was rich coming from him. Really, at least he, Darth Humerus, did it by accident.
A short shriek heralded the short appearance of one of the 'guards' assigned to politely remind him not to break the bones of the Dark Council, which was ridiculous, because how were they ever to get the whole Humerus thing if he didn't keep breaking their Humerus?
The shrieking being was quickly swallowed up by the portal.
There was no spaghettification, that's disappointing, he'd quite like to have seen that.
Darth Humerus scoffed at the babbling and screaming from the other Sith, holding on for dear life as he stood still, rubbing his face. Being a Pureblood Sith did come with the advantage of having an absolutely divine face for the task of rubbing your features in thought, with so many tendrils and ridges for added texture - it was simply genius engineering in their ancestors to achieve such perfection.
If his Rancor and Gizka experiment had been an unmitigated success, depending on your definition of the word unmitigated and success..
His attempt to make pureblood Sith better by breeding them with Wookies, had been a huge failure. Probably for the best anyway, keeping fur clean would be a bother.
Another guard, some Sith woman Lachrima or Lachra or something, cursed his existence as she lost her grip on the workbench she'd sunk her fingers into, spinning into the void.
He sighed, Sith these days… With how heavily modified his internals were and the arcane powers he'd grasped and bent to his will, utilizing the force to simply stand in place was no more difficult than breathing was. When one could clone new flesh, losing a limb or two to science was hardly even an inconvenience anymore, so he'd had plenty of practice in improving himself.
He patted the glowing corpse of the Terentatek as he started moving forward, the force his ally as he simply decided that he could walk just fine, and the environment decided to agree, knowing what's good for it - even as the last Sith flew past him, desperately scrambling to grasp him.
For the rudeness of attempting such a thing, he telekinetically grasped him by his underthings, giving him the world's worst wedgie for a few seconds, before he mercifully let him go, to be swallowed by the portal.
The Terentatek had been the first one to show him how limbs were just temporary, until you could craft a better replacement. It had eaten three of his after all.
His ambush hadn't gone quite as expected, being a force savant of sorts didn't help much against a beast that saw the force as simple flavoring - to the best kind of meals.
Of course after the first limb had gone, he'd grown wise, and cut his other leg to pieces to stuff it with thermal detonators and fed it to the beast. That had worked like a charm, albeit left him with one arm and a torso to drag himself to his hired minions.
Painful, sure, but it had been an interesting experience. Life was so dull with all these silly scuffles between Jedi and Sith. It's like they both couldn't understand that the galaxy was enormous and they could both quite well live happily on different sides of it, never interacting.
Or take a galaxy hooker tour.
The Jedi could use some loosening up. As for the Sith… Well one was generally less murdery after some pussy or dick.
Interesting experiences huh…
Darth Humerus watched the portal with interest.
It was quite possible it would actually kill him.
Quite possible indeed.
He smiled, the shine of excitement in his eyes, death is yet another new experience! He thought, stepping forward into the portal.
An explosion tore apart a fifth of Dromund Kaas, killing many influential Sith Lords seconds later.
The general consensus from everyone from Emperor Vitiate down to the lowest of apprentices was - that it was a small sacrifice to finally be rid of Darth Humerus.
His name, appearance and everything about him, was completely scrubbed from all records, the Sith Empire pretending he never happened.
It took them years to remove all the penises he'd added to every statue in Dromund Kaas somehow, during his short trip from the spaceport to his workshop.
Including in the Dark Temple.
A fitting eulogy.
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Mustafar, 10 BBY.
Darth Humerus stepped through the portal, frowning, that's odd…
He didn't spot any of the objects or other people that had preceded him, perhaps the portal led to different places. No… It remained stable entirely, it would have fluctuated in the force if it was flickering between locations like that, not that I'm an expert on random force phenomena, he thought.
Time perhaps… But unlikely.
He eyed himself with some amusement, it also does not appear to accept clothing. He was as naked as he was born, no equipment or clothing surviving the process - although thankfully his bone adornments, being part of his soul at this point - had survived the journey.
He felt the force, eyes narrowing, he was definitely on a Sith World, the aura of misery and pain in this place was stronger than when he'd accidentally walked in on a group of Sith teenagers trying to socialize and flirt.
Also the aesthetic seemed to be very Sith, very dark and foreboding. Personally he preferred some nice rugs, perhaps a light or two - so he wouldn't have to strain his eyes, or use the force to see. Darkness was all well and good until you ended up having to squint everywhere in your old age.
A squinting Sith would just be ridiculous.
This seemed… Too much like the angsty castle of a limp dicked teenager Sith who had mommy problems, he'd been around that type before all too often. This Sith was definitely one of those try-hards that always annoyed Darth Humerus.
It was always death this and death that with them, angst angst angst. Personally, Darth Humerus preferred to pick between twenty beautiful courtesans for a night of absolute debauchery or - twenty beautiful female rogues that for the right price might act like the filthiest kind of courtesan, for a night of absolute debauchery.
With free flowing rivers of alcohol, of course. Much better choices than death and death.
But maybe that was just him?
Considering he'd lived in a Sith Empire for hundreds of years… He knew it was only him.
He picked a random direction at the gentle tug of the force, so perhaps it was not so random? Did the force choose or did he use the force to choose? Bah, philosophy was not something for today. Confident that despite not being a savage lightsaber fetishist, he'd kept in enough shape to woo any beings of the female inclination that he might encounter while au naturel, he moved on.
Strutting down the hallway with aplomb. Ready to woo any fortunate female, or pretty boy - who happened to walk by.
Really, when one was basically saturated in the force far beyond a normal Jedi or Sith, love making with him was so far beyond cheating now - that it should be illegal in all the bedrooms in the galaxy.
Not that he often got to the bedroom in question.
He felt an absolute storm in the force approaching, and politely stopped at a crossroads of the emo castle, waiting, as was only polite for a guest. It seemed the Sith Lord of this particular abode was on its way.
He'd have to give him props, not many could sense him at all, his adjustments to his body and soul made him very difficult to detect in the force. The incoming Sith had a lot of power. But nothing else. Really, he felt power, all blunt, all straightforward, this Sith was basically a mallet.
So no threat to him, not that it would matter, Darth Humerus had been put on a list by Emperor Vitiate long ago that had been spread far and wide across the Sith Empire. It only had one word on it, besides his name.
Don't.
It didn't actually seem to do much, but at least the man tried. Darth Humerus didn't have the heart to tell him he was honestly kind of shit at the whole Emperor thing.
The storm finally walked into sight, heavy mechanical breathing echoing down the dark hallways.
Dark and foreboding, he stood, posing with his cape at the end of the hallway. He didn't say a word, just kept breathing loudly, the lights on his cyborg chest blinking.
Darth Humerus politely waited for him to say something, but the cyborg only stood in his pose, head tilted in his direction, watching him.
Spot on about the emo teenager description, he thought with a sigh.
"I am well aware I am likely the finest specimen you have ever seen, my fellow Darth, but there's only a certain amount of time one can stare at another man's penis before it gets awkward, and I believe we have passed that threshold." Darth Humerus said cheerfully, giving the man his due.
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Despite the angsting he could feel all through the walls, he had the power of a Darth, and Humerus could respect that much.
For five minutes. He'd respect it for five minutes. Quite generous of him.
"You will regret coming here..." The dark visage intoned heavily, the mechanical breathing noises lending an eerie effect.
The dark cyborg stepped forward, raising a hand, fingers clenching, his power lashing out to constrict Darth Humerus' throat.
How rude.
With nary a thought, his own will flexed, power slashing between them, unraveling the lord of the castle's attempt, the force howling down the corridor, wind blowing his adversaries cape back, forcing the man to take a step back as the backlash hit him.
"Who… Are you?" The deep mechanical voice demanded, fist clenching angrily in the air in front of him. "Did my Master send you!?'
Darth Humerus frowned, not appreciating being drowned in angst, the being in front of him practically screaming it out with every movement - nor the bout of non-consensual sex play. "Choking when consensual can be a fun thing, but I don't appreciate your actions so far, staring at my body in such a perverse manner, then attempting to choke me? At least start with some manner of foreplay first! Before I give you my name, I must ask you your intentions!"
The being in front of him seemed absolutely thrown by that statement, seemingly not used to being questioned.
A Sith that was never questioned, Darth Humerus knew, was a dangerous thing. They tended to take themselves way too seriously because of it.
Considering this one was all black on black with full body covering, he probably sent out memos reminding his troops that 'fun' was outlawed, while brooding about his enemies in his man cave.
"I am the Master here, this is my domain, you WILL answer me! Who ARE YOU!?" The mechanical hiss to the voice took on another note as his anger exploded out of him, a force push denting the walls as it roared forward like a hungry beast towards him, following the command of its Master.
The hatred and anger in the force took almost physical shape, as it forced itself down the corridor against him faster, hungering for his destruction.
Darth Humerus looked on, a crooked smile on his face, "Cute." He said, stroking one of the bone adornments on his right facial tendril, twirling the tendril between his fingers.
Without any grand announcements, shouted commands, or flourishing of weaponry, the wave simply died, in a whimper, ceasing to be, as it approached Darth Humerus.
There was a lot of power behind it, but the force knew better then to toss Darth Humerus around. He always made it pay for such humiliations, like that one life day where every being that could feel the force - spent the day having everything they tasted or smelled - taste and smell like a Hutt.
The force had capitulated soon after. The feeling of horror from billions across the galaxy - permeating it for long after the day had passed.
Of course he'd suffered as well, but it was still worth it - even if he'd forever know what a Hutts ass tasted like. The force shivered in remembered agony, and promised to be good.
"Blowing your entire wad in one shot. Force, you really are a teenager, aren't you?" He asked jovially, now certain this Sith was woefully underprepared for anyone like him.
Yet another Sith that can't take a joke… He thought sadly.
"I am Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith. You will not make a joke out of me, cretin!" The cyborg Sith hissed out, parts of the wall being ripped asunder in a cacophony of noise, sparks flying as metal sheets, machinery and such was telekinetically catapulted towards him.
At least he had a modicum of intelligence, trying physical force after the metaphysical had failed him.
Darth Humerus politely asked the force to consider the debris heading his way to be grains of sand instead of such heavy and potentially bruising matter.
As a personal favor.
For some reason the force's agreement was extra happy about the sand.
As he stepped aside from the deluge of sand that passed him suddenly, wafting through the air, he introduced himself, "I am Darth Humerus, scientist, jokester, lover." He said with ease, winking at Darth Vader, wiggling his toes in the sand that now covered the floor, warm and toasty, nice!
Only a roar met him, Vader's voicebox struggling to match his intensity, sparks flying off the cyborgs chest panel. He was disappointed to see that Vader, seeing the lack of effect in his efforts - did the exact same thing again, launching debris at him, tearing apart his castle to destroy him.
More sand, surrounded them shortly thereafter, which made Vader roar so loudly his voicebox gave up the ghost, sparking wildly before dying with a sad little mechanical squeak. He could still hear the man inside his helmet, but it was no longer audible to anyone without enhanced senses.
Darth Humerus was beginning to get bored. Considering the last time he was bored, he'd walked through a portal he'd assumed would kill him - it did not bode well for the gentleman trying to court him in all the wrong ways.
With a snap and a hiss, a red lightsaber was drawn and activated, Darth Vader stalking forward menacingly, obviously intending to get up close and personal. Darth Humerus scoffed, can't handle the foreplay, so goes straight for penetration, how typical…
Now Darth Humerus might be somewhat immune to plasma blades due to some self experimentation, but no man enjoyed staring down a lightsaber while having dangly bits readily available for it to cut at. Invulnerable or not.
Besides, anyone so weak they needed to go to a lightsaber duel of all things - deserved what was coming at them.
Honestly, one could do so much with the force - And the majority of force users decided the best way to utilize it was into swordfighting.
And they called him mad!?
With but a thought, he ripped off the arms and legs of the cyborg in front of him, feeling the shock and humiliation of the man in the force, as he fell to the floor, limbless.
It seemed it was a fond memory of the man, as he screamed internally at being rendered half of a man, again.
Honestly, if he lost his wedding tackle, he'd just give up. Or well… Clone a new one.
It's not like cloning was even hard.
He looked at the Sith, tsking in disappointment, such a poor Sith indeed.
Darth Humerus walked up to Darth Torso, humming the imperial march as he did, feeling the absolutely monstrous mental emanation of hate, as he came to stand over him, forcing Darth Torso to literally look up his bits to speak with him.
"Impossible!" Darth Torso raged, his machine voice having abandoned his sad ranting - the lack of mechanical bass giving him a more matching emo teen kind of voice.
"Not impossible, just improbable." Darth Humerus said, poking the torso with a foot, "You know your way around, right?" He said, hefting the torso up with the force, attaching it to his back like a pack, Darth Torso's helmeted head poking over his shoulder.
"Scream for left, silence for right?" He asked jovially.
Only mad screaming and threats could be heard from the helmet, barely audible even at this range.
"Left it is, Darth Torso, I'm sure we'll have a grand adventure together." He said, his grin growing dark as he began walking, "You'll learn to take a joke…. Oh, yes… You will!"
Laughter echoed down the hallways, what remained of them, as the two Sith made their way further into the castle.
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Some time later,
Darth Torso was in a timeout.
Darth Humerus had no other choice, the little brat kept tearing apart every trooper and being they ran into before Humerus could inquire about their whereabouts - or for some clothes.
Now he could have stopped the telekinesis that tore those men apart, but honestly, stopping a Sith from using their powers never worked - you had to humiliate them enough that they learned to only use it at the appropriate times.
Like when it was funny.
Darth Humerus didn't much care that Darth Torso kept trying to kill him, that was par for the course, and also completely useless, it also tickled nicely.
If Vitiate - the number one edge lord in the galaxy - stopped trying to kill him out of sheer frustration, this little brat wouldn't last a month.
Killing the people that could get him clothes, food, blowjobs - that was hitting a bit under the belt from the tiny dark lord. Hence, a timeout.
Now he wasn't an expert's at force illusions, even though he was a dab hand at Sith Magic. But compared to a brute like this, his abilities was that of a supernova facing a gnat.
So Darth Torso was currently hanging on to his back while his mind was elsewhere, he'd figured he'd make an illusion where all his enemies humiliated him, it shouldn't take too long, he could feel this little baby Sith had barely been a Sith for more than a few years.
He likely had less than a handful real enemies, right?
He whistled happily as he strode down a new set of corridors, letting the force guide him, it almost never steered him wrong.
At least not anymore, after a few situations that required spankings, back when the force had been a bit more rebellious.
Oh, goodie, a barracks! He thought, rubbing his hands together.
A good place for clothes or alcohol, or even more depravity, depending on the troopers, Darth Humerus found most people serving Sith tended to have the most amusing fetishes.
Although all those people asking him to step on them while they were in orgasmic throes - did make him feel oddly like Emperor Vitiate at times.
"Hands up where we…." The order was shouted out, but trailed off awkwardly, a whole contingent of some new kind of imperial trooper in white of all things, standing at the ready, blasters raised.
Apparently they'd been struck speechless by his nudity, so he preened, a proud smirk on his face as he twirled a facial tendril. "Your admiration is appreciated, it's nice to finally find some reasonable specimens." He congratulated them.
The whirr of armed blasters had him raise a shocked eyebrow as everyone zeroed in on him, the one in charge barking out, sounding unsure, but forcing it out through sheer adherence to protocols. "R-release Lord V-Vader at once!"
Darth Humerus politely lifted the insensinate Darth over his shoulder with the force, offering it to the troopers, "He's not done his time out yet, but if you want to hold him for now you may, now where can I find some clothes?"
Almost in unison, every single trooper took a step back, leaving the commanding officer alone, facing the floating Darth Torso, his face covered in sweat, panicked eyes looking around him at the faceless troopers. "I-I… Bind him!" He blustered, pointing at Darth Humerus.
Darth Humerus frowned, giving the troopers a serious look, hand cocked on his hip. "Look, if we're going to play with bondage, that's fine, but I'll have to be on top. Sadly I'm missing my monogrammed binders, stupid portal, but it's probably for the best as I don't have enough for all of you - but I really need some food first, and some clothes - before I break your minds in pleasure and you forget where it all is, okay?"
Really, normal people were so fragile.
He didn't know what exactly he said that scared them so badly, but almost as one, they all opened fire on him. They weren't half bad too, unfortunately blaster fire was useless on him. He irritably began slapping blaster bolts back, killing the ungrateful bastards, while the commanding officer shrieked and ran around, Darth Torso held above his head, attempting to get away.
Why had the force led him here if there was only going to be rude people around? Who even opened fire at the prospect of an orgy? Was Darth Torso so emo he'd removed everything fun from his subordinates?
Did he outlaw sex because he didn't have a penis anymore?
He eyed the commanding officer running around. Well… It wasn't any imperial uniform he recognized, and he generally disliked uniformity, but he needed something to wear.
As he slapped back the last bolt, killing the last trooper who hadn't been smart enough to run, he turned to the commanding officer, still holding Darth Torso above his head, his knees shaking badly as he stared at Darth Humerus proud and naked visage.
"Take off your clothes." Darth Humerus ordered cheerfully, grinning widely, happy to have finally found some boots at least. The troopers had honestly terrible boots, so he hadn't bothered to loot any so far.
Tch, these people are weak, he thought, as the commanding officer fainted in fear, Darth Torso clunking against the ground. So afraid of giving me his clothes, he literally passed out…
He couldn't understand it, the man was about his size, which is why he wanted his clothes.
Was there some nudity taboo he was missing?
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Darth Vader's mindscape,
Vader roared in fury again, fruitlessly trying to get out of his bonds to murder the damned JEDI!
He was no fool, he knew it wasn't real, knew this was some force damned illusion, one he couldn't destroy no matter how hard he threw his power at it…
But why did every force damn JEDI appear, doing the exact same thing to humiliate and anger him!?
Fucking Padme Amidala in front of him, to her extremely visible and audible enjoyment.
He damn well knew it was an illusion, but it still didn't stop his boundless rage and hate at the visage of Mace Windu fucking his wife while holding eye contact with him the entire time.
…
If Yoda showed up in this illusion he was going to shatter planets when he got out, to hell with the Empire and Palpatine,
No one deserves to see something like that, NO ONE!
He'd kill everything!
"Stop staring at me WINDU!" He roared, already regretting that he didn't get to kill more Jedi, due to order 66 taking care of most of them.
Windu especially, died too quickly!
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Darth Humerus continued exploring the facility, somewhat confused as to why Darth Torso was still out of it.
Really? How many enemies did the tin can have? How do you even gather enemies brooding in his own dark castle like this?
Perhaps he'd been hasty in instituting a time out, he'd intended to use the Sith as his guide after all - and now he was completely useless.
With a heady sigh, he stopped holding back, letting his awareness spread throughout the castle, and the planet.
There was a certain amount of panic all over this bastion of emoness, soldiers and commanders alike running around screaming into holo comms, begging for reinforcements.
He probably should have stopped that before this. Oops.
The whole time travel thing seemed more likely now though, as the highest ranked member of the staff had reached an Emperor over the holo, genuflecting in great fear while reporting on Darth Humerus - and from the very ugly visage of said Emperor, it wasn't Vitiate.
Either way, tattling was just not nice.
He reached out and just knocked them all out, everyone in the facility collapsing like their strings were cut. His awareness of the planet coming to the fore as the minds in the facility blanked out.
Hoh?
That was a very recognizable mind.
Newly dressed in his drab uniform, with good boots at least on his feet, he ambled off to leave the facility, heading towards someone interesting.
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He was indeed lucky that he was who he was, because as he exited out onto the planet's surface, he ran into one of the most inhospitable planets he'd ever seen.
Flows of lava as far as the eye could see, temperatures that would easily kill a man if left exposed too long, red dust everywhere.
As he strolled away, the black and red ash that covered the surface simply made a path for him, as he whistled, hands in his pockets as he watched everything around him with curiosity, the planet certainly felt like it was a Sith planet, but not one he'd ever spent time on before.
He'd think he'd remember this…
Although considering how Sith were with planets, for all he knew this was Alderaan just a few thousand years later.
He hoped not.
Alderaani royalty was one of the few things he was still missing on his royal booty bingo card.
One plus to time travel, if that is what had happened… He was probably no longer banned from coming within 10 planets of Alderaan.
They couldn't really enforce such a ban, but being drowned in Jedi trying to monologue at him was just so annoying he'd stayed away anyway.
Honestly, it's not like Alderaan had needed all those continents anyway. What's one less really?
It took him hours to get to the location he sought, which didn't bother him, being immortal now had quite made time immaterial really, if something took hours or days, so what?
He had time.
At least Darth Torso had finally woken up, just as grumpy as before, but at least showing some basic survival instincts in not immediately raving and ranting again.
Darth Humerus had been forced to do some quick work with the force to revitalize the man, and repair his machinery, so he didn't expire in the environment with how much he'd torn off the man.
"What are you?" Darth Torso squeaked, before pausing, anger flashing in the force, "My voice? What have you done to my voice!?"
At least he's beginning to understand I'm more of a what than a who… Darth Humerus thought, lips twitching, because of course when he fixed the voice box he'd changed the voice.
"It's not my fault you had - sparkly 4 year old princess - with an adorable lisp, as a setting." He chastised the man. "I fixed you, but I don't know how to program your voice box." He lied shamelessly.
Darth Torso silently seethed.
Darth Humerus could feel that he had much to say, but was having a raging internal debate over the fact that saying it meant speaking in that voice.
It seemed silence won out, as Darth Humerus neared his target, Darth Torso keeping silent on the approach.
Darth Humerus closed his eyes, tapping a foot on the burning hot surface, he could feel it, underneath the soil. He rolled up his sleeves, not really necessary, but it was thematic, for he was about to do hard work™.
Throwing a hand forward dramatically, he tilted his head back, intoning deeply, "Rise again! Rise from the depths at the call of power!"
He slowly let his hand rise, sand, soil and ash parting as metal rose up through the soil, a sunken star ship, the size of a cruiser, slowly rising up to cacophonous noise as an avalanche of soil fell to the sides.
"That's impossible…." Darth Torso squeaked, his astonishment and jealousy flaring out in the force.
Darth Humerus grinned widely as he rotated the ship in the sky, slowly lowering his hand, bringing it down to rest on top of the soil, "Well, I realize you have certain issues with getting it 'up' but not all Sith have that problem." He said cheerfully, beginning to trek forward, feeling the 'mind' he recognized inside.
"By the by, who's old wrinkly face that all your minions were crying to?" He asked casually, as he rent armor playing asunder with a gesture, strolling onwards into the ship without breaking stride.
"... The Emperor." Darth Torso squeaked reluctantly, before vicious pleasure, mixed with hate flared up, "He will destroy you!"
Darth Humerus snorted, "He's welcome to try, it would be thematic, Sith Emperor's do keep trying to kill me." He didn't bother with finding the right way forward, continuing to simply tear plating aside, heading straight for his target.
Darth Torso seemed very perturbed at that, going silent as he pondered what he'd heard. Darth Humerus could feel the stench of jealousy flaring up again. This Sith really was a big bundle of neuroses wasn't he? He'd have fit in perfectly, back in Dromund Kaas.
He tore his way into the bridge, calling out cheerfully, while sending a spark of lightning into the electronics in a way that didn't blow them up, "HK-47, you old bucket of bolts, wake up!"
Some of the systems booted up, at the very lowest setting, as there was a mechanical grinding noise over the speakers, before a voice replied back.
"Resigned Statement: Reports of your death were faulty, as expected."
Darth Humerus knocked against a console with his knuckles, "You know better HK, and you know… I don't want to be rude… But have you put on weight?" He gestured to the cruiser around them, a shit eating grin on his face, facial tendrils twitching in amusement.
"Hopeful statement: Have you arrived to assist in a return to optimal lethality?"
Tch, of course he doesn't even care about the joke… Not enough murder in it I guess…
Darth Humerus hummed in thought, "I dunno, you kept trying to kill me…" It wasn't successful of course, but he'd done better than most Sith.
"Dry statement: That criteria includes every sentient being that met you, master."
"Rude, but true… And don't think calling me master will sweet talk me into…" He paused briefly, chuckling, "Heh, what the hell, why not?" Darth Humerus couldn't even pretend that he wouldn't love to have the murderous droid at his side for a bit.
He was, after all, hilarious.
"Excited declaration: We will bathe the starways in blood, master!"
"Well, maybe, we'll see how it goes." Darth Humerus said mildly, "First you'll need a body…"
Darth Torso took this chance to screech out, "This can not be that HK-47, the one that followed Darth Revan!?" Even sounding like a cute little girl, he sounded absolutely enraged.
"Smug assertion: I am HK-47, fluent in over nine billion means of destroying meatbags such as yourself."
"Oh nice! You've added a couple hundred million since last time." Darth Humerus said appreciatively.
"It's impossible…"
"Don't mind him, he's very stuck on that word, he's this world's Sith Lord, a little too stuck in his ways really." Darth Humerus explained, pulling Darth Torso over his shoulder and depositing him on one of the consoles.
"Query: Do you often utilize Sith Lords as backpacks?"
Before he could answer, HK-47 continued,
"Covetous query: Can I have a Sith Lord as a backpack, master?"
Darth Humerus laughed, even as he felt the absolute storm of negative emotions from his captive. "Not even in a body yet, and you're already wanting even more favors from me, HK?"
He caressed Darth Torso's helmet, "No… I believe this is mine, get your own."
Funnily enough he could literally feel Darth Torso growing stronger in the dark side of the force from the constant humiliation, fear, anger and jealousy he was steeped in.
Too bad it wouldn't do anything to him. If only he'd had run into literally any other Sith perhaps, but such was the force - a fickle bitch that kept erasing hundreds of trillions of lifeforms, just to start over again when they all inevitably just did the same thing all over again.
"Well, let's get you into a body again, eh?" He said, before they could get sidetracked again, clapping his hands together, looking around the bridge.
Now… Where would a droid body be…?
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Some time later, moving away from the downed ship,
"Enraged protest: Master, there is a droid factory nearby with bodies to my exact specifications!"
"Yes, so you've said." Darth Humerus agreed amiably.
"Disgusted query: Then why am I relegated to this?"
The body in question was an ancient astromech droid that had a voice box cobbled together from a half bisected protocol droid.
"Because it's funny." Darth Humerus said, giving him an odd look, "It's almost like you've forgotten about me, old friend." Friend, enemy, basically the same thing.
HK-47, the astromech with not a single weapon, trudged along sullenly behind him. Darth Torso strapped to its back with a magnetic clamp, at least fulfilling the droid's wish in some manner.
It also made their travels take forever as the ancient droid wasn't handling the extra weight well, but he had all the time in the world.
Darth Humerus peered up at the destroyer that had descended into the atmosphere critically.
Well, perhaps not all the time in the world.
It would be somewhat of an annoyance to be turbolasered again.
"I could throw this droid into that lava flow…" Darth Torso threatened, as they passed a particularly large river of said substance. "If you wish to keep it so badly, I will destroy it!"
He'd been unsuccessful with Darth Humerus as he couldn't really do much against him, other than perhaps tickle him. But HK-47 did not have such protections in this body - although he would eventually have some measure of protection. Darth Humerus had been forced to promise a beskar body for him, to get him to even stomach the idea to transfer into the astromech.
Hence why he wasn't bothering hitting up that droid factory HK was talking about, because it was just an added trip for another body that would be discarded soon enough anyway.
"HK-47, this is a classical case of the mental deficiency present in the entire subspecies of Sith." Darth Humerus began lecturing, stopping to look down at Darth Torso with a dry look, "You see, they can not fathom any interaction that does not include a threat in some way, even when it's absolutely ridiculously foolish of them to do so."
"Sarcastic agreement: Throwing the droid you're magnetically attached to into lava, fits with the level of planning I've encountered in Sith."
Darth Torso refused to say anything, even as they stood there in silence, only the sound of the moving magma around them.
"Well, since he's apparently decided not to commit suicide, I suppose we continue on." Darth Humerus said cheerfully, turning to continue on his way.
Since they'd so nicely parked a destroyer in close vicinity, they might as well go up and visit them.
They seemed very reluctant to blow up Darth Torso, since he'd faced no manner of bombing so far, so they wouldn't shoot down a shuttle carrying him. They might even be nice enough to tractor beam them so he didn't have to fly too far.
He had been a Sith Lord for hundreds of years, he couldn't even remember the last time he'd actually flown something by himself.
But it couldn't be that hard.
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Mustafar burned.
Well… More than usual.
In his defense, he hadn't flown for a really really long time.
According to the ships logs he'd accessed, thousands of years actually, so really, he'd done quite well since they were all in one piece.
The destroyer… Not so much.
"Well… They're sending reinforcements anyway, so we're fine." Darth Humerus said sheepishly.
"This is impossible…"
"Approving statement: Your ability to break meatbags has improved, master."
He'd have to be a little more careful with whatever ship they sent next…
They had some time to wait, so he might as well get to tinkering with Darth Torso, making him somewhat useful, since he seemed to be even more useless than he had expected, breaking from such minor things.
It's not like tossing star destroyers around was even that special.
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One standard month later,
Dantooine, seedy cantina.
Ashoka Tano played with the mug of some indiscernible liquid that was supposed to be caf. She certainly wasn't about to drink it to find out.
Her face was completely covered by her cowled robe, as she sat in a corner booth, just waiting.
An imperial star destroyer had appeared above the city, so her plans to scout out some promising people in town would have to wait.
She also couldn't help but feel a slight tension, wondering if this was it. If they had discovered her.
If this was the time she'd face Darth Vader, the slayer of Jedi.
She doubted it, because surely she'd feel him, feel the darkness and evil in the force if he was here, on the planet.
"My… You're one lovely specimen aren't you?" A voice purred from right beside her in the booth!"
Ashoka didn't do anything so foolish as draw her lightsabers or vault over the table, even if she really wanted to, but she did scoot away to give herself space, turning to lambast whatever fool had surprised her. Really, was she so concerned over Darth Vader that she hadn't felt someone sitting down right next to her.
Whatever biting remark she was going to make, was choked down as she saw the others in the booth with her.
An honest to the force, Pureblood Sith, not something often seen in the galaxy anymore - she only knew about the species due to her Jedi upbringing.
They also had the weirdest astromech droid she'd ever seen standing by the booth, two articulated arms attached to its chassis that was holding on to a rifle the size of a Wookies arm, the droid absolutely covered in magnetically attached thermal detonators.
… Were they suicidal? One shot…
Neither of those two extremely odd things were what had her choking on her tongue however.
Darth fracking Vader was sitting on the table, just a torso and a head!
This close, now free from whatever had hidden her guests from her force senses, he was unmistakable, his dark force presence almost drowning her.
Darth Vader was suddenly slapped over his helmeted head by the Pureblood Sith, who frowned angrily at him, "Knock it off Darth Torso, you're not ruining another date for me!"
The oppressing feeling vanished, and Ashoka had a lot of mixed feelings. Darth Torso! What!? Darth Vader is here! Also…
"This is not a date, and also what?" She said frankly, in deadpan, pointing at Darth Vader.
"It could be one, trust me sweetheart, I have tricks up my sleeve that's been outlawed in all respectable systems." The Pureblood Sith winked at her, and Ashoka had to remember her Jedi teachings to prevent any overt reaction to this bizarre situation.
"Darth Vader!?" She said, seriously, pointing again at the fracking Dark Lord of the Sith.
"Pleased statement: You've broken another meatbag, Master."
"HK, hush, I'm working on some real dicey diplomacy here, either help or shut up!" The red skinned man hissed at the violent looking droid, Ashoka watching almost detachedly, still not recovered from what she was seeing.
"Statement: Charging weapons for maximum diplomacy."
"No weapons! I already have a fully loaded one, heh."
Gross, Ashoka managed to think, before her mind returned to the more important issue.
"Darth Vader can't be here! How?" Ashoka repeated, stabbing her finger forward, leaning over the table.
The red skinned man stroked a facial tendril as he laid an arm over the torso of Darth Vader. "Sure he can, he's very useful, see I just press this button here…" He pressed a button on the lit up torso, and a slot opened up, something falling into the man's hand.
He held it out to Ashoka, and her eyes widened, seeing the wrapper with XXL in bold writing.
"You're using Darth Vader as a condom dispenser?" She shouted, rearing back in shock and disgust.
"Of course, If I'm going to be lugging him around he needs to be useful." The red skinned man said, sounding wounded at her reaction.
"... Also he's kind of a giant dick, so I thought it would be thematic."
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