Jal and Eiske looked at each other. “It’s the fear talking,” Jal said aloud.

“The fear?”

“You’re afraid.”

“I am not!”

“Jan, if you weren’t afraid, I’d be worried! I’m afraid too. A lot of things could happen. People could be hurt or injured doing this. Some may not come back at all, if we’re not careful. The weather will be a factor. Will we be able to live off the land? Or will we need to figure out how to ration our supplies? A lot of things could go wrong. At the same time, we have a ton of information. We have maps, and a solid knowledge of the plants and animals. We know about some of the hazards. There are people waiting for us. They know we’re coming. They’re going to help us when we get to them.”

“You don’t know that!”

“I do.”

“I think you’ve created a grandiose fiction in your mind. Jal the savior is coming to save the people.”

“Excuse me?”

“You were so badly abused and ignored as a toddler and child that you made something up to comfort yourself. The voices that you hear make you feel better and take away the hurt.”

Jal’s head snapped back as if Jan had struck it on the cheek. It accepted a plate from Eiske and sat down by the fire. The food tasted bland, and all the pleasure of being outdoors seemed to burn up in smoke like the wood on the fire.

Jal’s chest ached and it wanted to run. “Why would Jan say such a thing? Is it really fear talking?” Doubts filled Jal’s mind. Maybe it was making stuff up. Jal recalled how it had sat through its psychology classes, wondering if it were crazy. Jal knew it had been abused, intentionally and repeatedly sabotaged, and neglected. It had been eye-opening to learn about the damage that a person could do to a child by neglecting it and abusing it.

Grandma Eaglestje’s face came to mind. Her words of assurance and insistence that it was valuable and important had been something that Jal had lived for. She had said over and over that Jal must have been put in this place for a specific purpose. This expedition was part of that purpose, Jal realized, and it couldn’t let anyone stand in the way. People were counting on it. Jal’s resolve returned.

Eiske flipped the fish in the pan. “Would you like some more?”

“Yes, please. It’s delicious,” Jal lied.

“More, Jan?”

“I’ll eat greens, thanks, Eiske.” As Jan crunched through the salad, it watched Jal. The confidence that Jal had exuded was gone. Jan saw the hurt on Jal’s face. It thought. “Jal needs to give this up. It’s crazy. What if it never comes home?”

When Jal was finished eating, it helped Eiske clean up. “Are you okay?” Eiske asked Jal.

“Yes,” it said slowly. “I believed I was finished with the healing process from Geldou and Haerm’s horrible treatment. Those feelings of worthlessness and rejection come up at the strangest times.”

“Hopefully those triggers will become less and less over time. But they’re never truly gone.”

“Am I really trying to save the people? Do they need to be saved? Maybe they don’t need the Protectorate there. But the Protectors promised to take care of all the Stafriez. I just want things to be fair. Why should the people in this part of the world be favored over them?” Jal sighed. “I think it's more a matter of justice than it is of fixing things. If the Protectors were around, I don’t think there would be a question of whether to honor their agreement.”

“I knew when I was writing that paper that people were going to think I was crazy. I’m just really sad that the first person to say it to me is my own father.”

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***

Jal had no idea that so much pressure could be exerted by silence. It had slept poorly on the camping trip, tossing and turning and talking in its sleep. Mazi Chee Obee had shown his face again. The scout ship had plunged into the earth over and over. Jan had woken Jal and told it to roll over and be quiet. Jan had left the campsite for several hours and when Jal climbed a tree to look around for it, Jal saw it sitting in the speeder staring into space.

Jan had come back to the campsite, talked to Eiske, and gone home.

“Jan wants me to talk you out of this, Jal. It says you’ve changed dramatically.”

“Have I, Eiske? Have I really? I’ve been working toward this since I came to live here. I thought I made that very clear.”

“I think Jan’s afraid it’s going to lose you.”

“I guessed that too. But I can’t change that. I can only take care of how I think.” Jal changed the subject. “Eiske, I need the names of those two Maz, so I can invite them to be a part of the expedition.”

“You, know they may say no.”

“Yes, just like everyone else. I need those names.”

***

Jal let out a long sigh. “That’s the last one, Dr. Gyasi.” They had just completed the thirty-sixth interview for candidates and five people had already changed their minds. “You still have to do Sage Elvan’s.”

“Are you certain that you don’t want to be here for that, Jal?”

“Yes.”

“Very well. I’ll discuss my decision with you the next time we meet. You’ve set up the accounts with Chivli Canby and Jibben Goove for boots and clothing for the team?”

“Yes.”

They finished going through a checklist and a communication device beeped. “Dr. Gyasi, Sage Elvan is here for an appointment.”

“See you later, Doctor,” Jal waved its wand and was gone.

Dr. Gyasi led Sage Elvan into his office near the laboratory and invited it to sit down. They spoke about the letter and the packet of information that Sage Elvan had received. The scientist slowly went through a list of questions that he and Jal had been using. “What would you like to claim as your personal achievement when the expedition is over?” he asked.

“I just want Jal to come back safely.”

Dr. Gyasi tried again. “We’ll each have met some goals by the time we return. Please share one or two that you’ve written down.”

“I didn’t write anything down. My goal is to go along with Jal, and that the two of us return in one piece.”

“Sage Elvan, the people going on this expedition have specific goals that we are working together to accomplish. We’ve asked you to set some personal goals for yourself.”

“I’m not an outdoorsman. I have no idea what sort of goals to set.”

“Perhaps you can focus on fostering teamwork among the group members, or learning a new skill,” Dr. Gyasi proposed. Sage Elvan didn’t know what to say. “This expedition does not revolve around Jal. It is not a security escort. If something happens, we will be concerned for the safety of all the team members.” An old analog clock ticked loudly. “If Jal is injured somewhere along the way, you will be expected to complete the expedition. If something happens to you, Jal will be expected to continue.”

“What?”

Dr. Gyasi repeated everything he had just said. When Sage Elvan said it didn’t have any questions, Dr. Gyasi ended the interview.

That evening at the meal table, Sage Elvan and Jal knocked heads again. “I don’t understand why you would continue with the expedition if something happens to me,” Jan complained.

“My obligation is to the Protectorate Luminaries,” Jal explained.

“What about your loyalty to me?”

Jal put its fork down. It put its chin in its hand and leaned on its elbow, watching as Jan chewed. “Are you telling me that I have to choose?”

The question hung in the air, like a noose waiting for a convict’s neck.

“When did this happen?” Jal asked.

“What do you mean?”

“When did you begin to think that you might talk me out of going to Shifos? I’ve consistently talked about this since I came here. I thought that was why I was taking weaponry and martial arts classes.”

“You were taking those because that is a normal part of a Stafriez upbringing.”

“And the fighting?”

“It’s also part of the Stafriez culture of the cities.”

Jal sat stunned. “What you’re saying is that we learn how to fight, to defend ourselves from each other?” It sat thinking about all the fighting practice sessions and fights it had been in. Jal remembered the various parents’ pleasure at watching their children battle one another. Master Jasper Neve came to mind. “Master Elvan, did you ever place a bet at the tournaments?”

“Of course, everyone does. It’s like making a vote of confidence on your metamorph.”

“Did you win?”

Jan laughed. “Yes.”

“You believed I would win, so you bet currency on me?” Jan nodded. “You know me, Jan. Would you bet currency on the success of this expedition?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Why is this different?”

“You’re talking about adding all kinds of variables. People we don’t know. Places that you’re unfamiliar with. Who knows what kind of animals you’ll encounter?”

“You read my paper. It goes right through the center of the biome we’ll be crossing. There are still unknowns. But there are before every fight that I walk into. I’d like your vote of confidence, Jan. Can I have it?”

Jan’s fork dinged on the blue ceramic plate.

“I’m going on this expedition. Whether you get accepted to go or not.”