Chapter M - Aria of the Soul

People say life is like a train ride. Many people get on. Many people get off. But only a few go with you to your destination. And in the end... there you sit all alone.

When I got out of bed every morning and looked in the mirror, I never realized what that actually meant. Each of our actions is followed by a reaction. So it is with everything in life. But every action we don't take is followed by a reaction that we will never know.

When I look at myself in the window like that, I see everything what I am. My face, my body, my arms and legs. But if I look more closely, then I can also recognize what I am not. So it is with everything in life.

But when I get on the bus in the morning and want to greet my friends, God knows what I could have said. And yet... every morning...

"Howdy!"

And Alex replies "mornin'" back. Like every morning. And he... he looks at me friendly sleepy, as if his soul has only just woken up.

I have never thought what that might mean if I say something else. Because deep down inside I knew it was right this way. And not otherwise.

But today there was nobody on the bus. Nobody I wished a good morning to. Nobody was there anymore. I stood all alone.

Gosh, I'm pathetic.

"Hi, Markus."

Markus: "...Hi."

So he really came. Why am I surprised? It's so typical of him, it couldn't get more typical. Even if the world were to end, he wouldn't leave his rut.

"I'm sorry... I don't even know."

What's this now? He doesn't have to apologize to me. He has caused a lot more problems for other people than for me. I did what I've always done.

Still, I'd better not say anything wrong. Maybe that is his way of dealing with the situation. I don't want him to tear completely apart. But just coming to me won't solve anything.

Markus: "I don't expect all people to be smart, but they don't necessarily have to be stupid either."

Wow, did I really respond that way just now? That seemed so natural. As if I had been waiting for an eternity to tell this sentence.

"I know by now that I am an idiot, you don't have to tell me that too."

Markus: "That's good then."

Look at the guy. He's practically on the verge of short-circuiting. It's only been a day since the three of us aren't standing here and already our whole world is upside down.

But when I look up, I see how the sky continues to sing its song. Just as it has been doing since the beginning of time. Nothing has changed.

Pathetic, isn't it?

One would think...

…

No, fat chance...

But one thing has changed anyway. I can hear it now too. That lovely melody. My time has come to accompany it. Then let's perform together one last time. You start the foreplay.

-25 minutes earlier in the mind of the boy, who tried to believe that he's in search of his end-

My name is Markus and I am the third person, who may introduce himself in this story. In this story about him. A story full of suffering and grief. Only fitting that I also find my place here.

It has been several years now since I met him. That idiot who would do anything to do nothing. Sometimes I don't know what his problem is. It's like he deliberately closes his heart because he's afraid that he would hate himself for opening it. He doesn't care about the others at all. Sometimes he can be the most selfish person in the whole universe.

And the worst thing is that he carries this egoism with pride. Like a medal that serves as proof that he has won. To have won that he remained exactly the idiot he always was and always will be.

Does he really think there is like a solid, impermeable wall that does not allow him to be part of the whole. Some kind of tension that forbids him from being compatible with others? I wonder what's in his head that allows this.

But he is a good guy. If you will, he's the best of all. No matter what goes through him, it always seems to find positive resonance. Like a program whose code is nothing but a mess and which he arranges it in such a way that creates a beautiful bundle.

Most people would have settled for the tangled code or started with the next one. But he never gives up on being objective. As if he has the one truth inside him, which he tries to share with everyone, but fails because he is held back by himself. By himself and by fate.

Yeah, it's playing a mean game with him. But as long as he doesn't untie his own strings, he cannot win this fight. I should have known what he was carrying around with him. Even a blind man would have seen it in his eyes.

Yesterday must have been the decisive day. You could even call it his day of destiny. His persona, which he had built up over the years, could no longer suppress his feelings and they broke out of him like a thunderstorm that should never have ended.

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And yet... and yet today, he plunges headlong into the knife that cut him. Honestly, what an unbelievable guy. How can someone like him even exist?

And that's why he's his friend. Alex's friend. Because it's obvious that their name is not the only thing they share. They also have most of their personality in common. One knows exactly what to say to the other to make him feel better.

Because Alex is exactly the same. When he's convinced of something, he won't give up until he's completely content. That's the way it was yesterday. He had noticed immediately that something was wrong with the idiot. Alex knew what to do and choose to chase him. All day long. Everywhere. Because he knew that he needed him. He was ready to fight for him. To give his last shirt off his back. His freedom...

-Day D after the force ecstasy-

Markus: "I think we lost them."

Alex: "Really? Good."

Markus: "We can take a break around the corner here."

Alex: "You can stop if you like."

Markus: "And what about you? You can hardly stand on your feet anymore."

Alex: "Doesn't matter. I know where I have to go. I've seen it. He is safe there."

Markus: "Whatever you say. But don't think I'll leave you alone."

-At the Stone shelter-

Alex: "If anyone should come, don't make any signs that we are here."

Markus: "Of course."

Alex: "And if he gets up, let him go. We can't help him now."

Markus: "And what about you?"

Alex: "Doesn't matter. I know where I have to go."

He had completely forgotten himself. For him, the safety of his friend was the top priority. The two always had a plan for such a situation like this. But he never believed that this would one day become important.

His look full of determination probably impressed me most. I had never seen him like that before. Nothing in the world could have stopped him.

I was probably most impressed by his serious and determined look. I had never seen him like that before. Nothing in the world could have stopped him.

I really am pathetic.

...that fucking bitch. What happened after that didn't upset him at all. I bet he hasn't regretted it a bit so far. Because... because that's exactly the kind of person he is.

And to which kind do I belong? I've always been the type of person who's eternally looking for a solution that doesn't exist. But who will blame me? Life is obnoxious. Has anyone ever said otherwise? But that isn't the reason why I got on the train. Otherwise I could have done this a long time ago.

No... I got on the train because I gave up all hope. Yes... hope is what I'm missing. Yesterday didn't give her back to me. No, he just made me remember her. That she exists. Not that I had ever known her.

How pathetic.

Most people would argue that my approach to life is destructive to my psyche and I am probably suicidal. But I disagree. In my opinion you don't need hope to survive. For it is not lack of hope that is destructive... it is loss.

Look... at this very moment, I'm passing by the school. Tch... it's kind of ironic. The thing that carried me every day to the very place, that kept tearing me apart, is now supposed to be my end.

It's not far before these rails come to an end. But my rails will not end here. That I'm sure of. Because unlike this train, there are other turnouts I can use.

Life gives us as infinitely many possibilities as there are stars in the universe. Technically, there aren't infinitely many. But still... a lot. Far more, then we can fathom.

...Hey... how funny... how... ...how the drops are pattering down the window pane. The light almost makes it look like pictures are reflected in them... pictures... of faces. Faces of people..., that are filed in me, like data in a PC. Is this my way of passing my life by? Almost too kitschy for my taste. I guess it's time to format my hard drive again.

Ralf, Matthew... I am sorry that I must entrust you with my fate. And I'm sorry, Alex, that I couldn't stand up for you like you did for him or like you would have done for me.

I'm pathetic.

Strange... I am slowly beginning to feel his power too. It has filled this entire train. And now it's starting to fill me too... with determination. Determination to stop this train. Determination to save the future. Determination to change destiny's course.

Is that what you felt yesterday, you two? I'm glad that I was able to experience it too. To know how you felt when you stood up against fate.

And with getting on the train, I now did the same. The three of us are now accomplices in the fight against fate. Hehe... Yes, now I can understand how one can be blinded by it. It fills you with the feeling of changing everything. But I can say with full confidence that this world is not ready for such a power. I don't even know if I am ready for it at all. But the idiot certainly is not. Even though he might think he is.

Now I do not regret anything anymore. Finally I am free from everything...

...like in a dream. A place where time and space do not matter. Where wishes can find their place...

Somehow I feel weird. I have such a strange tingling sensation in my stomach. Can it be that I don't even want, what I thought?

It really couldn't get any more pathetic.

Humans are quite odd creatures... But now it's too late anyway. I made my decision a long time ago. No matter whether it's right or not.

That reminds me of something.

"I'm no hero or anything like that! But I know what I have to do and that won't change. Even if it may not be the right thing!"

Tsk, that idiot... Even in my last moments, he doesn't leave me alone... Maybe that is why I got on this train. I hadn't seen such a light in someone's eyes for so long. I thought it had gone out forever. Maybe I just wanted a little bit of that glow for myself. Because everything seems possible now. I mean the last two days have been weird. But in a good way.

And although I had no longer any motivation in my soul, were my last words...

Markus: "Fuck! Why don't you transform yourself, you fucking thing?! Please... please...

...

...

...pathetic."

But this wish didn't come to fruition. And so this was my last day for a long, long time.

The boy's friend pulled, despite the inner unbalance, on one of the train's emergency brakes, which he had modified himself, so that it could be brought to a halt with the support of his classmates. Even though the plan to hack into the computer system was successful, the derailment of the wagon couldn't be prevented despite all efforts. However, the rail vehicle had lost enough speed to stop on the platform and not in the station building, so that the collateral damage turned out to be minimal.

The boy had managed to bend everything to his liking. But at what cost? For what happened to his friend, who was willing to sacrifice everything for him, he couldn't have guessed in his wildest dreams.

-Jakobs Room-

"Who is responsible for the attack?"

Jakob: "... I don't know. It makes no sense to me."

I pulled Jakob out of his chair, grabbed his arms and shook him desperately.

I NEED TO KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS

...

...

"...please..."

After that, I vomited one last time and fell over due to lack of blood.