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It Will All Be Over Soon
the tragedy of middle school

the tragedy of middle school

Darkness the opposite of light. many fear the dark but i embrace it. it swallows all of us no matter how hard we try to escape it. it consumes us, becomes us, replaces us. this darkness is known as depression. the hole inside your stomach that swallows you whole changes everything about you. everyone has a friend they can count on or feeling like they can. i don't it just that simple everyone i care about has hurt me and will hurt me again. the only "friends" I've ever had were my teachers and yet they still prefer the "popular" kids over me. just because they are more outgoing and speak out more than i do. most of them have terrible personality. But as always they are the favorites. friends come and go constantly leaving you to have to watch them find people who are better than you. relationships need work i learned that the hard way. i used to have a great friend i loved her so much she was the nicest person i have ever met. i tried so hard to be her friend put so much effort into our relationship but she never did. one day i stopped texting first or sparking a conversation and she left me to find better friends. ever since that day i vowed to only put effort into a relationship if the other person does first.i lost many people that way. i got hurt to many times by them leaving but they deserve to be friends with someone nicer than me who will care more about them and less about themselves. i try to be better i really do but i cant. i try to be nicer and yet i still am mean and rude. i haven't been in the best mood lately. the darkness is slowly consuming me. pulling me down to the deepest part of the ocean. once you reach the bottom it all over. i realize that is going to happen soon. i just want to go. if i tell anyone they always end up saying OMG me too or same bestie. i just want someone other than my therapist to actually care. everyone at my school is shallow and toxic making things about themselves trying to seem super badass and shit. i hate everyone there. my therapist just tells me everyone seems like that because your mature for your age you think differently. you've realized everything isn't a competition. well when are they going to realize? its driving me crazy. i cant take it anymore every time i see that goddamn school i have a fucking mental breakdown. all my mom ever say oh suck it up its not that bad. i hate the people i hang out with i only hang out with them so i can surround myself with people to try to fill the hole in my stomach. they all only care about themselves i try to be better i let them tell me everything and yet when i ask if i can they just say no i have to much on my plate right now. well i do to and yet I'm always there for you. that's just the way of life i got stuck in i guess. home life isn't much better. my dad always yells at my brother for crying them my mom yells at him for yelling at my brother for crying while my brother is crying. when this happen im in my room watching markiplier to drown out the sounds of the screaming. markiplier, jacksepticye, crankgameplays, and eddivr saved my life. without them i feel like i would have ended it a while ago. they mean so much to me more than anyone else ever has. i look forward to when i can come home and go into my room eat granola bars and watch their videos.

Its been a week since i last wrote in this journal. i broke up with my boyfriend because i relized a realashonship i sthe last thing i want. i made up with my friend i think im not 100% Sure. i feel so guilty but i wasnt ready for a relashoship to be honest i dont think i ever will be. ill just die alone it honestly doesnt sound to bad. i like being alone dying alone will save me a headache. i spent the week at my grandmas house. she pesterd me with questions about religion of course i didnt answer. she would be to dissapointed in me if i did. i spent all my time locked in my grandmas guest bedroom. while i was there i kept myself entertained by thinking. i have come to a conclusion. social media is only used to boost or lower peoples egos. evryone wants to go viral becuase of all the people who say they are doing good. its all for your ego. i also came to the conclusion that my dad is super lactose intolarent, but that is besides the point. i wish that i cloud have made better decisions in my life then i wouldent be where i am now. i would be happier hopefully. i would have stayed single. love is overrated. dating people is the worst. and im not just saying that because he sucked he was actullly a really nice person. i feel like myself again which isnt a good thing exactly because i hate myself. as an atheist i dont belive in god which i get bullied for. as i kid i wanted to belive in him but i couldent. my parents are also athesits we all tryed to belive once but all of use failed. im glad to not be restriced to the laws of some 100 year old or somthing book. i have prayed once or twice for one good friend. then i end up developing a really good relashonship with one of my current friends and started to belive, but like always the just ended up hurting me. at the moment i feel as if i have a good relashonship with a girl named ellie she sweet, she is careing. i know we are going to drift apart again. its happend before.

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highschool is going to be an absoulte nightmare. Ellie is leaving me and going to another school. il be all alone with the fake ass hoes i call friends. Nothing ever lasts forever, their is and end in friend. im not ready to let her go ive known her for so long. im spending as much time with her as i can. i know that will make it hurt more, but i need to cherish every moment i have left with her. today has just been a rolercoaster. at home im fine im happy i feel good, sometimes. but at school i feel guilty. i feel bad for breaking up with eli i just have to much on my plate right now. i do really like him but i need to focus on myself. so i decided to go back to being aroace so that i dont have to worry about romance it makes me feel better. i sound increadably controversial but my feelings change constantly its actually really annoying. my therapist has told me that i might have bpd she is going to test me for it soon. if i have bpd it could become a huge problem at home. my parents are already fed up with my consant severe mood swings and impulsive descision making. but finding out is an uncurable disorder will drive them insane. at least at the moment they have hope of "fixing" me with positivity. spoiler alert it isnt working.im just hopeing my mood swings are just because of hormones and my impulssive descion makimg is because of my bad judgement. thats going to be a fun few days. anyways i think im done rambling for now.

it has been a while since i last rambled on about my boring ass life. i have developed a serious obbsession with leon s kennedy from resident evil and the childrens show bluey. its actually unheathy. but in other news im pretty sure you can tell my mood has been improving from my emo phase back to normal. all my guilt from breaking up with my boyfriend is gone. i feel like a bad bitch. im not, but i feel like one.

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