——[ ▞▞▞▞▞▞ 🟀 ▚▚▚▚▚▚ ]——

Believe

Grand Elder “Granny” And the oldest Elder sat together as they watched a particular girl from a distance away. Hot bowls of food sat beside them as they waited for them to cool down.

She took a generous drag of her favorite vice. A personalized mix of fragrant herbs and compounds that kept her nerves relaxed and awake. “You’d ought to trust your gut more kiddo,” Granny gave a knowing side glance to the Elder “with all the nonsense going inside your head you’re looking more wrinkled than me!” She barked a mocking laugh, the laugh lines that wrinkle her face becoming pronounced.

“I am not a child! I have not been one in a long time.” The elder shouted back, petulant. “When will you begin treating me as an adult?” He traced his fingers across his forehead, keenly aware of the many divots and the coarse surface of skin.

A loud cough, along with a rhythmic tapping of an incensed smoking pipe. “Brat, I’ve known you since when you were this small,” Granny gestured with a hand lowering as far she could to the ground “even changed your diapers! You’ll always be a little rascal to me.”

The elder scoffed, but didn’t rebuke. “If there is anyone that should be more wary it is you.” He said after a moment’s pause “After all, was it not you that told me that she is more than what meets the eye?”

“Yeah” Granny admitted “But ain’t nobody said that’s a bad thing.” She draped herself backwards on her chair stretching. “Lot’s a great changes are coming, whether we like them or not. So I’m ready to make the most of them, whatever they may be.”

The elder sighed, a deep displeased grunt coming right after. “I wish I could be as optimistic as you, time has taught me to expect the worst, however.”

Granny chortles, throwing a piece of vegetable on him. “Don’t go spouting lines like you are some wise sage.” The elder sputters in anger. Granny interrupts him before he can say anything. “Ya just have a massive stick up your butt you cheeky brat. Take it from me, and learn to live a little.”

——[ ▞▞▞▞▞▞ 🟀 ▚▚▚▚▚▚ ]——

“A-awawawawa–”

‘SCARY!!! WHY IS HE LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?!’ The apron-wearing man stares down at me with a menacing glint in his eyes, he has a rugged appearance with a square sharp beard and a bald head that reflects the amber’s glow, the way his large brows frame his face only makes him look more angry than he already is. His visage shrouded by the light coming from under the braiser is accented by the shine of the massive knife in his hands. He flips it around and starts idly sharpening it as I don’t say anything. ‘S-stop flipping that knife like that! W-what are you going to do with it??’

I’m frozen on the spot, someone would argue that he isn’t any less intimidating than the monsters in the forest, but while they would just maul me to death I have no Idea what the man in front of me would do.

“A-a……….u….u-um...”

He suddenly interrupts, startling me. “So you’re the little sprout that everyone is always talking about?” His voice is deep, gravely and sharp. Like gravel inside a barrel.

*HIC—* My breath hitches. An awkward squeaking noise comes out of me. In my panic I make an attempt to hide somewhere, anywhere—

“Yeah!” Samyra chirps cheerfully, rooting me in place as she places her hands around my shoulder. “She wanted to get to know you!”

Unbeknownst to them I was screaming inside. ‘AAAH!– SAMYRA WHY DID YOU HAVE TO OUST ME LIKE THAT?!’ I was a little curious about the eccentric guy that stood out in the crowd, since he is one of the few that actually has a beard amidst all the elves and isn’t as tall compared to the others. ‘It is one thing to observe and admire from a very healthy distance away from the crowd and the noise… BUT WHEN I POINTED AT HIM I DIDN’T MEAN THIS!‘

I avoid his gaze with a large berth. Looking away from him and to the side, I try to think of something to get away but all I come up with is a blank.

He raises a judging eyebrow. “So you say…”

“E-e-e-erm…” An awkward silence passes as they both observe me. I cross my arms to hide my fidgeting fingers in an attempt to do… something. As my tail curled itself around my leg.

My head runs frantically in multiple directions. ‘Scary! Dealing with children is way easier– I mean, with them there isn’t any danger and it’s not like they can do that much, but why does this guy have to glare at me so much!’ This is the first time I ever had someone glare at me this way, I was never the type to get into trouble before and didn’t give many reasons for other people to approach me.

I briefly wonder what is it that makes him so different from everyone else, it’s not as if I have so much difficulty with speaking to anyone else. ‘Though now that I think about it I never did approach anyone in this village out of my own volition…’ The unfortunate fact of my introverted nature surges to slap in the face again, I try to ignore the twisting feeling in the back of my throat and the embarrassment twisting my tongue.

I whimper, deflating against Samyra’s hold. ‘I wanna die…’

Samyra nudges me “Come on, did you not want to know about him?” She whispers surreptitiously in my ear, disregarding the state of my sorry corpse. “He may be scary, but he isn’t going to eat you.”

‘SEE!? EVEN YOU AGREE THAT THIS DUDE IS SCARY—’ A tear forms in my eye, I gulp down the ball of frustration climbing out of my chest. ‘AAH! SAMYRA I HATE YOU!’ I shout curses against her in my own head.

The man had uncrossed his arms while I wasn’t looking. “Goodness gracious the girl seems on the verge of crying…” I hear him mutter surreptitiously to himself. Samyra doesn’t notice.

He slightly bends himself to look me in the eyes, “Hello child, my name is Crocus!” He says in a much softer tone than before, reaching down a hand to pet my head. “I have seen you meandering around mine humble land before, but I do not believe we have been acquainted. It is nice to meet you!” His large hand bumps a little clumsy on my horns, he pauses a moment looking at them, but otherwise successfully manages to make a mess out of whole head.

“A-a.. y-you too.” I manage to cough up a response. Numbly touching my head and fixing the stray locks that got in my eyes. My thoughts still too jumbled and incoherent for me to do much of anything.

As suddenly as he changed his demeanor it seemed like the menacing aura he exuded evaporated in the wind, leaving me somewhat perplexed. And just like that, now he simply appeared to me as a short middle aged man with a hearty smile, the ghost of the fanged beast I was hallucinating out of him fading into the background.

At that comment I let a wet cough and my knees wobbled without my permission.

My heart's still beating frantically and in panic mode, but now that I look up at him again from a different angle he doesn’t seem as threatening… Though he is still scary.

He stood back up, dragging a nearby stool for him to sit. “Don’t mind the kitchen, there are other people to take care of the food, please, sit.” He motions to the other stools that are stacked under the countertop. I hesitate a couple seconds, still registering the world around me, before I can wake up my mind to go and grab a chair Samyra had already picked up for her and me.

“She has only arrived a little while ago,” Crocus says, despite actually being months since I got here. “Is this the first time you have brought her here?” He asks Samyra.

“Yes, though I wasn’t aware that she had explored so far into the village, she’s quite shy and likes to gather dust inside her room. I’ve even had to drag her outside by her feet one time before she started to gather moss with how stubborn she was being…”

I bap her leg with my tail in righteous indignation, making her chair shake a little. ‘AGH! Too much! Too many details! Are you here to socialize or to lynch me?!’ I visibly pout to the side, not voicing my anger at her.

Much to my consternation, she doesn’t even react. Crocus only raises a bushy eyebrow to my actions. “...So it was a surprise when you mentioned that you had already seen her around here before.” She turns to me, expectant.

I look down, not sure of what to answer. ‘I’m already tired and my social batteries have already expired before we even came here– Can we go now? What am I even supposed to do here??’ A deep sense of tiredness seeps itself into my gut. "Great, good, we met this guy, Crocus, not that I want to be rude or dismissive of him, he seems like a nice person, it would even be… nice to get to know him” I painstakingly admit to myself.

‘But I kind of want everything to just end right now.’ I already had started with a left foot in all of this and now I have completely no ideas on what to talk about.

Seeing my shy silence Crocus comes forth to the rescue. “Well, I am sure the lad had her reasons. It is not as if anyone can lock themselves in a room forever.”

Samyra scoffs “Pha! You’d be surprised, have you ever even seen Clauren?”

Crocus makes an unreadable expression “Ah… yes, that is… you make a fair point. That rascal was one darn handful before you tamed him. What has he been up to these days?...”

Samyra and Crocus spend some time talking to each other, about mundane things and the people they know in common.

——— –– –– -- - -

Time passed and it soon became night, by now the dining area wasn’t as crowded as before. A few times during their conversation Crocus had to leave to the cooking area, it is his job after all, but they kept leisurely talking to each other despite the increased distance.

In the meantime, we had picked up our portions for the night. Clauren appeared somewhere in the middle after being allegedly kicked away by Gaviel to sit with us, joining the conversation.

The soup has a creamy and thick body with an orange and pink tint to its color, it’s full of chunks of vegetables and peppered with sprinkles of a variety of herbs along with thin strips of what I think is shredded meat. It smells like green and the broth looks delicious.

I take a tentative sip….

…And then take some more. Hungrily diving into it ‘This reminds me of the noodles mom used to make.’ The thought makes my chest feel hollow for a moment... A shaky breath brings me back from the brink.

Along with the soup, there’s also a loaf of bread they serve along with it. It's not very soft, ‘it feels very… homemade compared to the bread I was used to.’ and it smells somewhat salty. Taking a bite out of it I find myself with a tastiness filling my mouth, looking inside the bread from the part I took a bite out of it I see that there are little pieces of something dried stuffed into it.

Something pokes my side. I turn to see Clauren dipping his bread inside the soup, deciding to take a page out of his book. I do the same. The somewhat strong consistency and saltiness of the bread is complemented by the relative sweetness of the soup… I scarf down more of it and end up asking for seconds.

Clauren chuckles to himself, while I was wholly unaware of the noises I made while eating.

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When I was about to finish my second bowl. Crocus appears again.

Sitting back down on the stool he had been using with a bowl of food in hand, he scratches his beard, thinking. “Putting that ungovernable menace aside,” He refers to Clauren like he isn’t even there, who made a baffled face. “Where does this little girl even hail from? I am aware with certainty that she has appeared unexpectedly with Gaviel and a group of rangers… but all I have heard from this matter is rumors and baseless gossip, now that I am graced by the presence of the tiny celebrity herself,” He waves a spoon in my direction ”I find myself curious.”

A painful silence comes across us, the sounds of the dining space around us suddenly filling our conversation.

Samyra tries to deflect “A-ahaha… that is… um, ask Gaviel about it?” She says, rubbing the back of her head sheepishly with a guilty face. Clauren half-chokes and makes a face like he was caught in the act, instead of recomposing himself he half-hides behind Samyra.

I grip my arms, avoiding his eyes with puckered lips. I try to take a deep breath to calm down but it comes as a shaky exhale instead.

There is only one word ringing across my head... and it is ‘fuck.’

There was an entire ordeal that was utterly painful and aggravating to me to explain this not too long ago and I don’t wanna do it all again. ‘Those are memories I would rather not remember right now.’ Every time someone brings it up not only do I recall that life along with the glaring and unnatural holes in my memory but also the agonizing time that hellish forest gave me.

Seeing both of our reactions to the question, Crocus abruptly stops. Leaning back, he takes a strained breath looking at the night sky “Oh...” He makes a deep sound of understanding. I don’t know how, but then and there, despite him not knowing too much. Somehow he already knew everything that he needed to know.

“I am…” Crocus begins to say, but hesitates.

“...” He takes a deep breath, “It is a blessing, a great blessing, that you have been found when you were.” He says instead, more to himself than to us. Turning serious, he speaks to Samyra and Clauren. “Both of you are still young… take care of her, you hear me?”

“I… Yes, I promise.” Samyra answers.

Finally acknowledging his presence, Crocus turns to Clauren, giving him a stern, judging gaze.

Clauren coughs, quietly breaking the atmosphere. “Y-yes.” He, too, answers... While still clutching Samyra’s arm. Who gave him an unimpressed glace.

We all wait with bated breaths. Crocus holds his glare for a moment longer…

…Before abruptly relaxing like nothing happened. “Then all is well.” He says as he puts a spoonful of soup into his mouth.

Clauren sighs, relieved. “And you still question why I don’t like coming here.” He grumbles to Samyra, who is still looking a bit out.

I feel like the strings holding my body are cut. I let out a loud sigh along with Clauren while resting my body against Samyra’s side. ‘I just wanted to eat my food in peace…’ My heart still palpitates with unbidden stress even after a while passes.

A minute of destrangled quiet passes as we turn our focus back to our food.

“You were right, he is scary.” I say, Putting my bowl down.

This time Clauren actually chokes on his food.

“Hah! Bold of you to say that to my face girl.” Crocus barks out a laugh. “You are always welcome here, come again more often!” He ruffles my hair—

“H-HEY!! EW! Your hands are smeared with oil!” His hands are oily and greasy and the damned old man is fu**cking vigorously making his hands' presence in my hair known. “I can feel them mucking my hair– HEY STOP IT!” I growl out half-hearted threats to him.

Samyra laughs heartily.

——— –– –– -- - -

“Uuugh…” I whine. “Why didn’t you stop him?!”

“In my defense, even if I wanted to, I would not.” Clauren puts his hands up in defense. “And why am I the only one being singled out?! Samyra was laughing at you!”

“Wait, what do you mean you wouldn’t even!?” I say incredulously. “And Samyra already has retribution waiting for her so she doesn't count.”

Samyra misses a step. “–Wait what?” She says with a hint of fear and confusion.

We are making our way back home. Today the sky isn’t as bright so Clauren did something with his hands that made a little ball of light to illuminate our path. I am walking between Samyra and Clauren.

He replies “What would I even do? He’s scary.” He says, crossing his arms as if that’s all the reason he needs. “Also, I want in with whatever “retribution” thing you have planned.” Facing Crocus was something he said he’d wish that didn’t happen to him tonight.

“H-hey!” Samyra shouts, flabbergasted.

“I don’t know? Ask him politely to stop?” I comb my hair with my fingers, fruitlessly trying to get the grease that is now also spread to my hands. “And I don’t have anything planned right now… though I still will hold a grudge over her.” I say with crossed arms. “But I’ll tell you when it happens”

“What do you mean when?!” Samyra shouts again. Mouth agape.

Clauren nods evenly “I’ll hold you to that.” Ignoring Samyra who is hitting him.

Samyra sighs, despondently. And then softly bonks both of us in the back of our heads. “Clauren… you’re a lost cause.” She says with some small disdain. “Syuufarin” She emphasized, calling my attention. “We know you are… less than sociable.”

I scrunch my face, pouting. ‘She’s not wrong, I know I am, but… ouch. Do you have to say it like that?’

She continues “You can’t lock yourself in your room forever, it’s not healthy, you’re a smart girl… you know that. I don’t like dragging you outside as much as you do.” She paused to measure her next words. “You could, if you really wanted, stay in that little shack as much as you want… But you wouldn’t be living. Every elf here who is old enough knows, has seen what being like that does to someone, and you are so young… and already like that… I did what was best for you.”

“I…” A strange sense of nostalgia, paired with emotions of defiance mixed with ill temper. Begins to surge as she keeps talking. ‘This… this sort of talk– you aren’t my– but I know that– I don’t want– I know, I know I know that. I don’t need to be told off by you. I… I don’t know. Sometimes, I just want to be left alone and disappear.’

My throat contorts itself with a phantom taste of bitterness that makes its way down to my heart.

It’s easy to feel at home here. But it’s also so very easy for that sweet feeling of hope to vanish in the dark.

‘Sometimes, to lose myself in sweet memories of the past, I go down so deep in that abyss of dreams that I can’t see anymore.’ Living in the past gave me small moments of reprieve from having to face this uncertain future. Dreadful, intoxicating reprieve. I keep going back and forth from languishing reminiscence and progressive proclivities. Future, now and past all mixed up in a big, confusing mess that I occasionally drown in.

‘I miss my mom.’

“...I know” I say instead, breathing harshly.

“Not that I have much of a leg to stand on this matter…” Clauren said with a hand on my shoulder, I hadn’t noticed at all when he put it there. “...But trust us when I say that this is what is good for you. You may not like it, I may definitely not like it, but it is the truth. You enjoy your peace, I can see it, but sooner or later you will need to learn how to expand the boundaries of that peace to include the space around you, rather than stay confined in that little room. Expand your sky.”

“I… don’t really want to…” I mutter quietly.

We stopped. By now we were already at the front door of their house.

“Syuu, dear.” Samyra crouched in front of me. Her face marred by an expression of worry. “What is wrong?”

——— –– –– -- - -

They had noticed.

Samyra and Clauren both had an idea of what was ailing Syuufarin for a while now, though they also had little to no clue as to what exactly they needed to do to assuage her. They taught and lived with the village, sure, but they have never been caretakers for children before, much less guardians and definitely never parents.

So, for a time, they had decided to do their best on what they could, and let time heal the wounds that made Syuufarin cry at night.

It… didn’t work as well as they hoped.

She didn’t spend as many sleepless nights as she used to, and they know that her smiles and her laughter were genuine. Rare as they come, with how grumpy and sullen she was most of the time. So at very least something they have been doing has gone right, despite their errors.

They’ve left Syuufarin to her own devices, they expected her to go explore, maybe play with the other kids and do whatever it is that they thought children her age do. But she, to their surprise, had used what time she had to spend time with them. Which was well and good, they had fun, bonded together in surprisingly many ways. Syuufarin being a studious and hardworking little girl certainly helped a lot in that aspect.

But they had noticed.

As the days passed, and Syuufarin absorbed any knowledge from them like a bottomless sponge, they started to notice how she would retreat into herself and shut off the world more and more. And then she began to stubbornly isolate herself, began to speak less, and began to become listless. She tried to hide it, to assure them that everything was fine.

It was time, they decided, that they must take action. Only, for as knowledgeable as they made themselves to be, they didn’t know where to start at all.

At least this made their efforts all that more genuine.

——— –– –– -- - -

“We are here, always, with you.”

。。。

I throw myself into the bed inside the little house that they gave me, sinking my head into a pillow.

Honestly, I barely remember half the words that we had across that conversation. Or maybe I can and just don’t want to spend the effort to remember.

We had an… enlightening discussion yesterday.

Awkward, too.

I sigh, the sound comes out muffled by the pillows.

One part of me jumps around in ecstasy wanting to learn new things and meet new people, to explore the world and see it’s wonders… the other is a lazy one that wants to become a tree in a desolated corner and exile itself from the scary unknown outside, too unwilling to do something to fill the hollow wound left from dying once.

‘I’m an adult’ Something that is debatable, considering my body. ‘I know what is good for me, it’s just… more often than not it is that latter side of me that wins.’

I sigh again, turning my head away from the bed so I can breathe.

I silently ruminate, staring at the strands that make the weave of the blanket. My tail flops from my right side to between my legs.

‘I couldn’t exactly say that I am still depressed to their faces just like that. They worry for me, and that’s something…’ I sigh, again. ‘…something I’m not all that used to. I used to joke about it all the time, as some sort of depraved dark humor but now that I—’

I tightly grip the bed sheets, feeling my nails digging into my palms. My tail violently hits the bed frame.

“I’m tired...” my voice comes out hoarse.

。。。

When Samyra asked that question with a face that, above anything else, showed me how much she cared… I had to tell them something. I couldn’t deal with the fact that I was the one that made her feel like that.

And so I did.

‘I am not an extrovert, far from that. I remember being able to talk to people just fine before but now…’ I told them, not the things that kept haunting my head, but more simply… that I was scared. I did not enjoy a single moment of that conversation.

It was embarrassing.

It was hard.

It was painful.

It was a colossal exercise of effort to pry myself open.

It was… the truth.

Above all excuses that I could come up with, I knew deep down that was I fucking terrified…

…Had been since that day I woke up in the forest all those months ago, it’s a feeling that has stuck with me since then. ‘I tried to integrate myself into their village, to sit down and unwind, tried to accommodate myself, I tried…’

Unconsciously, insidiously, experiences kept affecting me. I doubt myself and feel despair from a thousand different little things if I go to talk to someone I don't know or trust…

…What if they hate me?

…What am I supposed to do?

…Where do I even start?

…Do I even belong here?

…What if I fumble my words?

…What if I disappoint them?

…What if—

…What if—

…What if—

´I feel like I am falling.´

Gaviel, Samyra, Sadia… maybe Clauren, are all people that I trust. People that I'm somewhat acquainted with and comfortable with, even though one of them forced themselves into my life.

Anyone else though… ‘There are times where I even thought I was having an anxiety attack… maybe I even had one, once or twice... And I just couldn't tell. I’ve never had one before after all.’

‘They pitied me, or sympathized, or empathized, or– something…’ It’s not as if they didn’t understand. They did, but they just don’t know what to do. ‘Hells… even I don’t know what to do…’ So we came to a compromise.

Clauren came up with the idea, I had cursed him a little bit then and there, because we can’t really do magic lessons safely inside the house and they don’t want me destroying anything just in case. And because Samyra is running out of things to keep my head occupied... We will begin to go outside more often tomorrow.

Also, at least once a week, I would be dragged off to the dining grounds to socialize, if not then at least to get used to it. I honestly didn’t think their ideas would work at all, but both of them, mainly Samyra, are vehemently against me continuing to rot inside my room. And despite my distaste for what they proposed, I also wasn’t a fan of feeling like a hollow husk about to drown alone again.

。。。

I hug my quilt with my arms, breathing deeply. With my legs hug around my tail, that despite its sheen appearance is actually deceptively warm.

“...I’m tired of lying here, despondent, doing nothing worth anything. When I could be so much more out there.” I try to psych myself up.

‘It’s all meaningless anyway, what am I even expecting to find? To do? I am aimless.’

“It doesn’t matter? Who’s to say what does and what doesn’t?” I rebuke myself. I did not come here to rot, I am not here to meet my end, this is a journey, my journey, and I won’t let myself end before I can even begin.

I keep going. “I can drown myself in the past, hoping that suddenly everything will be alright, that will accomplish nothing. I can frolic around and keep on living the rest of my days simply existing to eat, shit, and sleep, and that will accomplish nothing. Where was all that bravado? Where was that courage, that fierce flame that kept you alive? All of that indomitable hope that made you burst in the seams which kept me keeping on when I was at my lowest. What will I do now? Now, that there exists an entire world out there just waiting for me?”

I shake off that sensation of dread. That sinking, gnawing, emptiness that had been creeping into my chest. ‘Would I be a coward that is fated to wisp away into nothingness or will I stand proud and face the sun with a smile?’

I stand.

“There is magic to be learned, swords to wield, and horizons to cross. Why would I stop now, what could hold me back? I came so far already, and I am not satisfied.” I take a deep breath, this time it fills me with determination. “I despise socializing, but the urge to go beyond is bigger, grander, and more important than crying.”

Tomorrow will be a great day.

——— –– –– -- - -