Fears

Erdania slipped out of the room as Ryun and Selia started discussing what kind of wood they wanted to use for cribs. Thankfully, they hadn’t noticed her inner turmoil, and she didn’t even need to find an excuse to leave. She walked out of the house and started walking in the big garden behind it.

The expert that was going to help them conceive was on his way, and everything just started becoming more and more real to Erdania. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to have children, it was just that she was afraid. She didn’t know the first thing about raising kids.

Before she could spiral deeper in her thoughts, someone walked up to her.

“Sect Leader,” Lesamitrius bowed his head, and Erdania cleared her expression. She pushed her thoughts away, locking them up in the small room in the back of her mind where they belonged. Then, she smiled at him.

“Ah, Lesamitrius, come to yell at me?” She tilted her head.

“Of course not, Sect Leader,” Lesamitrius answered as he straightened. “You are a distinguished member of our sect. A leader and the wife of our Sect Head, I would not dare.”

“Naturally not,” Erdania added. Marriage in the Infinite Realm was a complicated thing. Different factions had different customs. Some considered marriage a legal thing, enforced by the government of a faction, for others it was a spiritual thing. And then there was also the Framework route. One could make a contract through it, though it didn’t really mention the word marriage anywhere but simply a union.

It was what Erdania, Selia and Ryun had done, not because they really needed it, but because it made things easier for the Sect. There were a few benefits to it, like being able to change your name to any of the people that were part of the contract. Name change through the Framework was difficult, it had to do with your personal identity. You had that truly identify with it in order for it to be changed, and only the Dealmaker could do it. So people couldn’t just change the name easily and hide their identities without the use of perks.

The contract was one way that made it easier, but the benefit that the three of them mostly used now was the fact that those that were part of the Framework union could actually share their unbound Essence. Use it as one combined pool no matter the distance between them. Since they were planning on advancing their Classes, it made things easier. It also allowed them to use some of the Sect Interface commands that only Ryun as the Sect Head could. Though it wasn’t like the Sect Leader tier was that limited.

Still, they didn’t refer to themselves as spouses, but partners. Though in a Sect as large as theirs, others were always going to do whatever they wanted. So, yes, in the Sect some did refer to them as such.

“So, if you’re not here to yell at us, why are you here?” Erdania asked.

Lesamitrius pulled out a scroll from his storage, then bowed and offered it to her with both hands.

Erdania narrowed her eyes as she took it then slowly unfurled it. She read through it, then her expression turned stormy.

“You are not here to yell at us, huh?” Erdania asked, then waved the scroll in his face. “Yet you bring me a scroll detailing the damages to the mountain. You’ve basically just served me the bill for me having sex with my husband.”

Lesamitrius put a hand over his chest. “I wouldn’t dream of offering such an insult, Sect Leader. I simply wished to keep you appraised of the expenses of the Sect.”

“Riiiight,” Erdania glared. “You’re lucky we like you.”

“A fact I’m reminded often enough Eternal Master,” Lesamitrius said as the ears on top of his head twitched.

Erdania shook her head and stored the scroll in her storage. “Fine,” she grumbled. “I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.”

“You are free to do as you will, Sect Leader, it is not on one such as I to give one such as you instructions.”

Erdania rolled her eyes and walked away. It was just like Ryun to manage to avoid the consequences. He was the one who couldn’t wait for them to find a sturdier place!

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Erdania found herself in the corner of the garden, sitting in a small pergola. There were formations built into the wooden pillars as well as beneath the tile floor. They served to prevent sound from coming in or going out. It was a private area, suitable for meetings or just relaxing. She loved coming here and just laying around on the swing with Selia. It was peaceful.

Now, she was alone, and the short distraction with Lesamitrius hadn’t been enough to fully turn her mind away from what lurked within.

She closed her eyes and steeled her mind, trying to distract herself as she turned to her oldest comfort. The first thing that she had ever taken for herself, her singing skill.

In the place sheltered from the world, where no one else could hear her, she sang.

In the deep night, under the light of the moon,

A child of sorrow, in silent chains.

No mother's lullaby, no father's guiding hand,

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Lost in the echoes of a forsaken land.

Oh, orphan child, in the cold of night,

Lost in the whispers, out of sight.

With tear-stained eyes and dreams denied,

In the depths of despair, you silently cry.

Through the dark, you wander alone,

No hearth to warm, no place to call home.

In the alleys of despair, you find your rest,

A silent plea in your fragile chest.

Hear the wind weep through barren trees,

Echoing the pain of shattered dreams.

In a world so cruel, you bear the weight,

Of a solitary existence, filled with hate.

But hold on, dear child, to hope's faint ember,

Though the road is long, and the nights grow colder.

For even in darkness, a glimmer may appear,

Raising you out of the shadows, dispelling fear.

She finished the song that she hated, but she had to get it out. She always did when she felt the past build up. She opened her eyes and looked out at the beautiful flowers around her, the nature, life itself. It was such a contrast to what her earliest memories were.

She had made it her life’s mission to enjoy it. To live freely, to be happy. Selia had always supported her in that, always pushed her to do more, to be more. Then Ryun came along and he helped too. Not in the same way that Selia did, but he was always there, ready and willing to do anything that she asked of him.

Now the three of them were going to embark on another journey. Something that they had agreed to do together. To grow their family, to have children. It hadn’t felt real before now, but hearing that the expert was on his way had made it crystallize in her mind.

And the only thing that Erdania could think about was the past. She could feel it dragging her under. She took deep breaths, using the meditative techniques she had learned over her life, trying to center herself and banish the worthless thoughts.

As she pushed the past back, she entered a rhythm, and slowly slipped into sleep.

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She ran through the dark corridors, struggling to fill her lungs with air, her heart thundering in her chest.

She carried a light weight in her arms, trying to escape. She didn’t dare look back, she knew that she was being followed.

She rounded a corner and hit a dead end. A wall barred her way, she clutched the small creature in her hands.

“Where do you think you are going, 414?” The voice spoke from behind her, and fear flooded her veins. She trembled, her legs gave out and she fell to the floor.

“I asked you a question, number 414.”

She heard footsteps, knew that Master Filos was getting closer.

“There is no running away 414, you know that,” he whispered in her ear.

She had to try, to run to. The weight in her arms was gone, she looked down and saw no sign of Mr. Fluffy Tail, only blood that covered her hands.

She blinked, and found herself in the arena, blood soaked sand beneath her feet. A broken body lying in front of her.

“Good job, 414.”

—ania

Erdania opened her eyes and snapped awake. She felt a pressure on her shoulder and moved, grabbing her Qi and—she froze.

“Everything is alright, we’re here,” Ryun said both out loud and through their bond. “It was just a nightmare.”

He held her from one side, while Selia sat on the other, her hand on Erdania’s thigh.

She was breathing quickly, trying to shake away the nightmare. Within a second, her breathing calmed and her body obeyed her will.

“Something’s bothering you, isn’t it?” Selia asked, and Ryun looked at her with a tilted head.

Of course, they’ve noticed. Even with her trying to keep her part of their bond under control. They knew her, she was foolish to think they wouldn’t have realized.

Still, she shook her head as she answered. “It’s nothing.”

“Is it about Master Yuron’s arrival? Are you having doubts about kids?”

Erdania turned her head and met Selia’s eyes. “What? No, I…” She trailed off.

“Dani,” Selia started. “You know better than to keep things from us. Just tell—”

She paused and glanced at Ryun who shook his head. Erdania could feel something pass between them, and then he spoke.

“What was your nightmare about?” He asked.

Erdania opened her mouth, then closed it. After a few seconds of silence, she spoke.

“My past, when I was a kid.”

“Oh, Dani,” Selia gave her a look that made Erdania turn away.

Ryun squeezed her hand. “Dreams of the past offer a window in the struggles of today. This is especially true for us, who seldom dream,” he said.

“It was just a dream,”

“Tell us anyway.”

Looking at her spouses eyes Erdania could see the worry, deftly hidden from all but her sight. She was sure that they saw through her just as easily.

She was tempted to lie, to diminish what she was feeling inside. But that would’ve broken the confidence between them. They didn’t do that, they didn’t hide things from one another.

She did as they asked, and recounted her nightmare. It wasn’t anything new, not really. She had those nightmares every now and then. Old demons that she always fought.

Selia kept a confident mask on her face, her hand gently rubbing at Erdania’s back. She had heard Erdania speak of her nightmares many times. Was always there to provide comfort, if not true understanding.

Ryun sat on the big swinging bed with his legs crossed, holding Erdania’s right hand in both of his. His expression was a lot more complicated. He, of course, knew everything about her past just as she did about his. Outwardly, his expression was a blank mask, but Erdania knew him by now. His anger was rising. It had become… more volatile since what happened to Tali.

After Erdania was finished, Selia continued rubbing her back, offering comfort as she always had. She might not have fully understood what Erdania went through, but she had always been there to listen.

Ryun squeezed her hand tightly, almost painfully.

“The past is the past,” he said slowly. “If they were still alive, I would hunt them and kill them all for they’d done to you. Made them suffer. But you are free, and they are dead. They have no claim on you.”

“I know that,” Erdania said.

“So what are you afraid of then?” Selia asked.

Erdania hesitated, but then sighed. With both of them close, touching her, with their minds and souls bonded in a way that was more intimate than anything else that could exist in the world—she knew that she couldn’t let the fear stop her or come in between them.

“I’m worried, scared even. What do I know about raising kids? About being a mother? The only thing I ever raised, I strangled with my own two hands.”

“That wasn’t something that you did,” Ryun said, pulling on her hand and forcing her to look him in the eyes. “That was something done to you.”

“I…” Erdania started, her voice growing softer. “I’ve never had a real childhood, I don’t know the first thing about it. What if I make a mistake? What if I’m not a good mother?”

Ryun smiled and raised her hand to his lips, landing a soft kiss on her palm.

“You will be a great mother,” he said. “Because I know, that all three of us will move the entire world for our children.”

In another’s mouth, his words would sound more like platitudes. But Erdania knew the truth behind his eyes. He never said anything that he didn’t mean; it made her feel better. And perhaps she couldn’t fully trust herself, but she could trust the two most important people in her life and their trust in her.

“Thank you.”

She only hoped that she would be able to live up to their trust in her.