I forced a smile onto my face as my eyes darted around the room, searching for an escape. I needed an excuse or something to help me get out of going for a walk in the gardens with the charming yet terrifying man who was still holding my arm. His grip was firm, insistent, and I knew he wouldn’t back down easily, not without good reason.
But I had nothing. I couldn’t think of a single thing that would allow me to stay away from the man, and it was clear no one was going to intervene. Many people were looking at us, their eyes taking in the man’s hand on my elbow, but they couldn’t see my panic. All they noticed was that I was about to go for a stroll in the garden with an affluent man who I’d danced far too closely with.
A sea of jealous faces watched as we began to cross the ballroom towards the doors, all wishing they were in my place, and I felt the same way. I longed to reach out to the nearest sour-faced woman standing to one side and offer for her to take my place instead. I was sure the man on my arm would enjoy their company, and they would delighted.
But it would cause a scene. The man would be furious, and that would be dangerous. I needed to be careful, to ensure he thought I had no doubts, and then I’d be fine. I’d be safe.
“Your cane, sir,” a servant said, rushing forward to greet us just as we reached the doors.
“Ah, thank you,” the man responded warmly, taking it from him.
William. That was his name. I was pretty sure of it, anyway. He smiled at me and gestured towards the door, silently ordering me to go first. I hesitated for just a moment before ducking through, keeping my gaze low as I watched him out of the corner of my eye.
If I were to kick the cane away, I wondered as I glanced back at him, would he fall? If I waited until we were towards the side of the gardens, it might give me a chance to slip out through the side entrance, and we’d be slightly more shielded from view. There was a chance no one would even see us, and I was pretty sure I could make it look like an accident. Then, even if someone saw it happen, they wouldn’t realise what was going on.
There was no point, I realised as we began to walk towards the path. William barely seemed to be leaning on the cane. Perhaps he was just carrying it as an accessory. It completed his outfit, and the carved golden handle, seemingly perfectly formed to fit his hand, may have been nothing more than an obscene display of wealth.
Had he been using it the last time we met? I couldn’t recall. The memory held away from me still, and all I could remember was a hazy image. I sat across from him in a quiet corner of a tea house, but he wasn’t standing in that memory. We were both seated, just like in every single recollection I could access.
If I were to kick it away, he would remain upright. I was pretty certain of that, even if I wasn’t sure why. He would simply stare at me, watching my childish attempt to escape him, and then it would ruin everything. Our plan would still go ahead, obviously, but our marriage would be much less cordial.
My thoughts stuttered to a halt. Why was I thinking about marrying that man? The thought had come out of nowhere, but there was a certainty to it that told me it must have come from the other me, the one that lived in the world. She knew she would wed him, but I didn’t understand. I was scared of him, terrified. Why would I want to marry him?
Money.
The answer came to the front of my mind immediately. That was the main reason I was doing it. He had more than enough, and money meant security. It meant safety, and as someone who spent the last ten years or so with the constant threat of danger hanging over my head, I needed it.
My family had an estate. We were upper class and technically very wealthy, but it was fragile. Too much was tied up in my father’s various businesses; we couldn’t actually access it without putting the companies at risk, and it had been that way for as long as I could remember, which meant we often went without. Our estate had become but a shadow of the former splendour. Too many rooms were filled with dust, having fired most of the staff, and they were cluttered with old furniture that had long since been forgotten. Most of it was in dire need of repair or replacement, but we couldn’t afford to do that.
Father barely worked. He still went in from time to time, but I wasn’t sure whether he was of much use to anyone when he did. He used to be, but that all changed when my brother died. It changed him, broke something irreparable within him. Instead, he spent his days in the garden, painting until he lost interest and then staring into the sky until I brought him back inside, and Mother…
She was different too, but at least she left the house. Most days, she lunched with other women who were slightly less well off than we were, looking down her nose at them in a pathetic attempt to make herself feel better about our situation.
That’s why I did what I did. I thought I was making a good decision, that I was being smart and had chosen well, when I struck up a conversation with the extremely wealthy and mysterious man beside me, but it was a mistake. I didn’t realise how dangerous a web I was walking into until it was too late.
But, in a way, it was a good decision. William would be able to provide for me and my family. He would ensure we were taken care of and had everything we needed. And, he was sometimes kind. In fact, most of the time, he was. He could make a fine husband.
He knew my reasoning, though. It was a surprise to realise that, but he was fully aware of why I’d approached him in the first place, why I decided to set my sights on him. William was fully aware of why I agreed to marry him, and the arrangement was not one-sided. He was getting something he wanted from the deal.
But what?
The question seemed to bounce around my mind, but I had no answer. That information was locked away from me, impossible to access, but I was certain of it. He needed something from me, just like I needed something from him.
A gentle breeze brushed the hair back from my face as we moved towards the stone stairs leading to the gardens, and I allowed myself one brief moment of peace. I surveyed the greenery around me, barely illuminated by the moonlight, and felt a pang of longing in my heart.
Despite most of the grounds being consumed by shadows, I could tell they were grand. The gardens had everything I wanted, and I took a deep breath, inhaling through my nose before letting out a sigh. The rich, earthy scent of the nearby herb garden mixed with the sharp yet comforting perfume drifting away from the apothecary plots that were hidden somewhere in the darkness.
Still, my eyes tried to seek them out. I yearned to walk through them. It had been so long since I’d had that opportunity, and the apothecary garden used to be one of my favourite places in our estate, second only to the lavender fields.
I inhaled again, letting my eyes flutter shut for a moment as I tried to work out whether I could smell lavender. It was such a gentle scent, so easily overpowered by others, but I thought I could. There was a soft floral undercurrent that soothed my heart, but that comfort didn’t last long.
My body tensed as my eyes opened again, acutely aware that I was being watched. My heart raced in my throat as I hesitated before looking at William, worried about what I’d see. His gaze was fixed on my face, and a small but genuine smile played on his lips.
Embarrassment burned within me, bringing colour to my cheeks, and I had to look away. I was silent, waiting for the man to say something disparaging or demand to know what I was doing, but he simply offered his arm to me once more. I paused, looking at him uncertainly, before taking it.
As we began to walk along the trail leading through the centre of the gardens, my mind raced. My eyes darted back and forth, taking in the carefully manicured hedges that lined the path, interspaced with oil lamps and lush trees that were perfectly still. Even the soft breeze didn’t move them.
The night air was quiet as we continued deeper into the garden. The silence was punctuated only by the sharp tapping of William’s cane on the stone and the song of a solitary bird, which seemed far away. Usually, I liked the quietness. It was difficult to find at home with my dad’s constant stream of semi-nonsensical chatter and my mother’s bitter jabs, but when I was able to hide myself away, it was tranquil. I enjoyed it, but I didn’t find being with William peaceful or enjoyable. I was too on edge.
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It had dragged on for too long, and it was beginning to make my skin crawl as anxiety filled me. I could feel my mind spinning as I tried to think of something to say to break the silence, but nothing came to mind.
“I’m excited for you to see my estate,” William said softly, but his voice still made me jump. “I think you’ll like the gardens.”
I had no clue how to respond to that. It seemed like I was suddenly unable to talk to the man, and that was ridiculous. We’d been meeting for weeks. I’d had countless conversations with him, and I knew I could do it.
“Oh?”
That was barely a response, but it was better than nothing.
William glanced at me out of the corner of his eyes, the movement hesitating and fleeting, before he continued speaking.
“Yes. The orangery is particularly lovely. Especially in the winter,” he added, a wistful tone entering his voice. “I plan on having a small library brought out there. Any book you want.”
My eyes flicked towards him in shock, but I fought to keep it from my face. It was difficult because what he’d said sounded so lovely. The thought of sitting in a comfortable armchair in the warm glass building and watching the snow fall outside the windows as I read filled me with such longing that it was difficult not to turn and beg for him to whisk me away immediately. It wasn’t winter yet, but I’d be happy to wait.
That was the issue with William, I recalled. He was disarmingly thoughtful and kind. He seemed to genuinely care about me at times and actually saw me. It was strange. I wasn’t used to it, but he saw through the mask I forced myself to wear in front of others, and he didn’t hate me for it. In fact, he seemed to enjoy that side of me just as much as the more charming one that was better suited to formal events.
But that was the problem. His money wasn’t the only thing that drew me in. It was his kindness. It made me start to fall for him, hiding the danger that lurked in his heart until it was too late for me to back away.
“I would like that a lot,” I replied carefully, causing William’s smile to grow.
It was small and appeared almost shy. The mere sight made me feel unsteady. My heart seemed to pound in an uneven rhythm, and I had to remind myself to breathe. He was dangerous. I shouldn’t let myself fall under his spell again, I tried to convince myself, but it felt almost impossible not to immediately dismiss the words.
He was too sweet. Somehow, even after everything I’d learnt about him, after everything that happened over the past few weeks, I still found him sweet. If only he wasn’t blackmailing me, he would have made a perfect husband.
“Your father will enjoy it too,” William continued, his tone becoming slightly more animated. “When he comes to stay, that is. He can set up his easel in there if he brings it. Or he’s welcome to use my mother’s. I’ve kept it in storage just in case... She used to love painting in there. Apparently, the lighting is perfect to paint by.”
The wistful expression on his face hurt my heart. I felt it clench tightly, and I had to swallow down the lump of emotion that lodged itself in my heart, fighting the urge to slip closer to him. He didn’t mention his mother often. In fact, that was only the second or third time he’d spoken about her, and it was clear how much he still loved her.
“I’m sure he’ll love that,” I whispered, my voice uneven.
William smiled down at me, pausing for a moment before lifting his hand and holding his cane carefully so he could lay his hand on top of mine. A tight exhale escaped my lips, and my grip on his arm tightened briefly. The touch was innocent. He was simply holding my fingers on his arm; it wasn’t anything more than that, but it felt strangely intimate.
I didn’t know how to feel. The life William had described, of spending my winters curled up with a book or watching my father paint without any anxiety or worry, seemed so foreign to me, but I wanted it. The thought of not rationing firewood and praying that we had enough to withstand the cold because we couldn’t afford to buy any more was so alluring. I longed to have a life where I didn’t need to spend my days in the greenhouse, trying desperately to grow something that could survive the bitter chill that found its way in through the broken windows that were too high for me to cover.
It never worked. No matter what I did, the plants always died before the winter ended, and we had to spend the last month living off of dried meat and stale crackers, no matter how hard I tried to prepare.
But that could all be over. If I married William, when I married him, I would never need to struggle again. I could ship endless hampers of food to my parents or invite them to our estate, sending a carriage to collect them, should they need it.
William sent me another smile, that one slightly wider and more confident than the last. He seemed proud of himself for making me happy, as if that truly mattered to him, and that confused me. It was concerning.
For some reason, he seemed to want to marry me, but it didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t understand why. We had an agreement. I knew that, but my memories still refused to reveal themselves to me, meaning I had no idea of the details, and that worried me.
But was that the only reason he was being so sweet to me? Was he simply trying to ensure I lived up to my end of the bargain or was something else motivating him? He seemed to enjoy spending time with me. Whenever we’d spoken during balls and parties during the season, he appeared to enjoy it, and he invited me on walks and to afternoon tea many times. More times than necessary.
And his guard was starting to drop. Like me, he wore a mask, hid himself away from the world, but he was starting to let me in, revealing more and more of himself to me. He didn’t put on as much of a facade or pretend to be much more confident than he truly was, and I liked it. It made me like him more, but there was still something that pulled at my mind, reminding me to be cautious.
Cautious of what? I had no answer to that question. Whenever I tried to figure it out, my thoughts turned black, as if my mind were actively shielding the truth from me. It was frustrating, infuriating, and I needed to know why I was so scared of the man.
We’d fallen silent again, I realised. Somehow, we’d almost made it to the far end of the vast gardens. The grand mansion was little more than a collection of glowing lights in the distance, and the awareness of how far we were from anyone else caused my blood to turn to ice.
If I were to scream for help, would anyone hear me? The question flitted into my mind before leaving again, just as quickly. I couldn’t help but glance back at the house, trying to figure it out.
I wasn’t sure, though. My eyes scanned the space between us, searching for signs of another couple. That would make me feel better, I told myself. If I knew there was someone else out there, another witness, should anything happen, I’d feel slightly less afraid, but I was lying to myself. I realised that the moment my eyes found a shape hiding in the shadows.
My breath caught in my throat, and I glanced at William before squinting into the darkness again. The shape, whatever it was, didn’t move, and I couldn’t figure out whether it was a person or simply my eyes playing tricks on me. It did seem to be following us, though.
It could have easily been either, but I looked up at William again. He seemed utterly unbothered by the shadows, but perhaps that was merely an act. Maybe he knew they were there. They could have been his people, servants or someone else he was paying. If they were in on the plan, and he’d told them I was considering backing out…
A chill slipped down my spine, and I had to force myself to take a deep breath to steady myself as I peered over my shoulder again. The urge to run seemed to pound in my chest, fighting to gain my attention.
William was looking at me again, I realised. His expression was quizzical, bordering on concerned, and I felt my heart speed up.
“The estate looks beautiful in the dark,” I said quickly, hoping that excused my behaviour.
His eyebrows pulled together, and confusion danced across his face as he looked back in the direction of the estate. An unexpected chuckle slipped from his lips.
“Yes,” he said, sounding bemused. “I guess it does.”
Relief slipped over me, and I glanced back, searching for movement on the path and finding nothing.
My eyes found William’s again, and the urge to speak rose within me.
“How are you finding your time in the city this year?” I asked, the question sounding overly formal.
William’s lips twitched, but he paused before answering, taking time to consider his answer.
“It’s been… more enjoyable than I expected,” he said before smiling down at me. “Thanks to you.”
The compliment caused another blush to spread across my cheeks, and I had to look away to hide the confusing happiness his words had caused me.
“I’m sure you would have had a good time regardless of whether I was here,” I said, still unable to meet his gaze.
I could feel his eyes burning into my face, but I didn’t want to look up. It was too difficult. He filled me with too many conflicting emotions, and I wasn’t sure how to handle them. William refused to look away, though. After a couple of seconds, he came to a stop. My hand was still tucked into the crook of his elbow, meaning that I had no choice but to stop as well.
“Grace…” he muttered as he turned towards me.
My heart thumped as I stared up at him with wide eyes, painfully aware of how closely we were standing. It was too close, and we were tucked behind a tree. No one would be able to see us from the house, should they peer out, and I couldn’t work out if that was intentional, but I scanned my surroundings out of the corner of my eyes, trying to watch for people trying to approach whilst I was distracted.
William’s head drew slightly closer, and I felt myself suck in a breath, unable to pull away. Was he about to kiss me? My eyes darted to his lips, lingering on them for a moment before pulling away. It was wrong. It felt wrong. He was only a couple of years older than me, but that felt significant. I was too young.
But, should the plan work, we’d be married soon. My brain screamed at me to step away from the man, and tears burned behind my eyes, but I couldn’t move. All I could do was stare as his face dipped lower, stopping just inches from my lips.
“Are you ready?” he asked, his voice barely above a breath.