Every direction I turned my head towards, I saw familiar faces scattered in the crowd.
‘How many of those really cared?’ I bluntly asked myself.
I stopped looking around and stared in front of me. Only then it came to my attention that I didn’t have my speech in the chest pocket of my black suit.
Should I really even go up there to say anything?
All the words I’d share, for the living to hear, non-existent for the deceased. My speech was probably pointless anyway, no matter how beautiful the words I wrote were… they won’t bring you back.
My eyes started wandering around again, coming to halt at every person to blame. I blankly stared in front of me again and saw my reflection on the neatly cleaned tiles.
‘It was I, wasn’t it? I’m the one who killed you.’
“Hurry up, Daisuke! At this rate we’re gonna be late!”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m doing my best to keep up,” I was gasping for breath, “But a certain someone had to forget their lunch at home…”
“I said sorry already, let’s go!”
Ryuji and I always went to school together. It’s not unusual that we have buzzer-beater arrivals, but every time we’re running late it’s because of him. But no time to complain now, our homeroom teacher will eat us alive if we’re consecutively late. Last week on Friday, the two of us were late as well.
“How come you’re late you two?”
“Well,” as I was trying to come up with an excuse, Ryuji jumped in.
“I saw a golden beetle, but Daisuke right here wouldn’t believe me. So I tried capturing it,” he showed the teacher his hand, “It turned out to be a regular one, ha-ha,” he tried to save himself with a smile.
“To hell with your bugs!” he yelled, as he slapped it out of his hands.
I held the palm of my hand against Ryuji’s head and pushed it downwards, making his head do a bowing gesture which I also did, “We’re deeply sorry and would like to apologise for being late.”
Yeah, we’re definitely not getting away with this so easily twice. Fortunately, I was worried for nothing, we made it to the classroom with a full minute to spare.
At that exact moment, when we entered the classroom, an ambulance drove up to our school’s playground. The entire class was standing by the window to see what was going on.
Two paramedics with a stretcher on wheels ran out of the ambulance into the building. The red siren lights are still flashing. Right before they entered the school, its sound was still going off. It creeps me out seeing how serious this seems.
Half a minute of silence occurred while everyone was staring out the window. The two men broke the silence as people gasped when they ran towards the ambulance again, with what seemed like a student, though it was not really clear who it was from this distance.
They were very swift in action. In about a minute after their arrival they were already leaving.
“Alright everyone, let’s all take our seats again,” the teacher said while clapping in his hands to get everyone’s attention.
Not that it was necessary, his deep and frightening voice was more than enough.
All pieces quickly started falling together once everyone sat down. Fumiko’s seat next to me was empty. She’s one of those students who are never absent.
I’m not the only one who’s noticed that she isn’t there, classmates all across the room were whispering, frequently dropping her name.
“Quiet everyone! Pay attention to the lesson, your chit-chat can wait until the break.”
When homeroom was finally over, we all hastily gathered around our friend groups to talk about what happened. One of my friends was forming his little fantasy story.
“Guys hear me out, what if shizo’s friend fell off the stairs and hurt herself so badly—that she called an ambulance!”
Someone else picked up the momentum and mocked her way of speaking, “Oh, um… um… H-hello Mr. Ambulance, m-my invisible ghost friend! She fell off the stairs!” people around us started laughing, my friend continued, “Or maybe she herself got pushed off the stairs by her ghost friends!”
More jokes followed. I guess it was already obvious, but our class really doesn’t like Fumiko. Even though we’re all aware of the dire situation she might be in, there’s not a single ounce of sympathy, everyone keeps throwing jokes around. I’m doing nothing to stop them, I’m even laughing along so that makes me equally bad—no, that makes me worse.
Not only because of my hypocritical way of thinking, but I’m also her only—albeit secret—friend.
* * *
“Hey, Ryuji,” I was going through my bag before leaving the school building, but my homework wasn’t there, “Go on without me, I forgot my homework in my desk.”
“You sure? I can wait, you know.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it,” I waved as I walked back to our classroom.
The usual fuss in the hallways was missing, it was Friday after all. People who don’t have any club activities disappear as soon as the final bell rings. I stood in front of the stairways and sighed, why are the third years on the highest floor.
I walked up the stairs and went to my classroom. I opened the door, expecting it to be empty. But there she was, lady shizo herself. Kneeled down like a damsel in distress. Her glasses slightly down her nose, her pitch black bangs covering the side of her face. Gracefully cleaning the pile of dust with her dustpan and brush.
I shook my head and stopped paying much attention to her. In the centre of the classroom was my desk, right next to hers. Without wasting any more time I grabbed my stuff and got ready to make my way out.
Even though that was the plan, I couldn’t help but get annoyed by the fact that she was cleaning alone.
“…Where’s the rest?”
She jumped at my question, making a weird high-pitched noise out of surprise. A bit of dust fell out of her dustpan, which she cleaned up as quickly as it fell.
“I-I don’t know,” she mumbled, with her eyes glued to the floor.
Well, if she’s so eager to clean I might as well let her be. At that thought I turned around, facing the door again.
“Let me go! Don’t touch me!!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.
Her dustpan fell onto the floor as she grabbed her shoulder and turned her wide opened eyes behind her. There she met mine, equally bewildered.
“Hey, hey now… No one touched you…”
Her lips trembled, the words she was so desperately trying to convey couldn’t find their way out of her mouth.
“…Are you—okay?”
“H-he.”
Her eyes, which were already watery, dropped streams of tears down both her cheeks.
“Help!”
I slowly approached her, kneeled down on the creaking wooden floor. Trying not to come off as intimidating. Here goes; my attempt to calm her down.
“There’s no one here, alright?”
“There is! B-behind you.”
I don’t know if it was the fact that I didn’t want her to scream so damn loud again, or that I don’t want anyone misinterpreting whatever occurred here. But above all else, I think it was my instinct. My instinct to protect someone so vulnerably weak.
I dropped my bag, squared up, hands at a short distance in front of my face, ready to fight.
“Is that thing you’re seeing getting ready to fight, too?”
“N-no… It’s just standing there…”
“Alright, that means now’s my chance.”
I started throwing punches in the air, hoping, praying even, that I was beating whatever she was seeing to a pulp.
“Ah,” she squeaked, “You hit it!”
I know where to punch now, at least. I started getting really serious with the amount of power I was putting up against the air. Eventually she snapped out of it.
“It’s… It’s gone now,” her hands were trembling, she held them close to her chest.
“Good, I’ll be going then.”
I grabbed my bag and opened the door. In that same moment she had gotten up and grabbed me by my hand.
“Wait, Daisuke… Thank you—for putting up with me.”
Once again, she was avoiding eye contact. This time by holding her face perpendicular above the ground.
“Um, don’t worry about it.”
* * *
At night I laid down in my bed, thinking back to that moment. That moment that launched the start of my secret friendship with the most ridiculed person in the entire history of our school.
And that person, who only I knew beyond baseline level, was absent today. Today, on the day that an ambulance drove up to our school grounds. Out of all days that she could’ve been absent for the first time in her middle school life, it was this one.
A coincidence perhaps, but the chances of this being a coincidence are low. Of course I knew that, and even though it’s wrong to wish bad upon another—I hope with all my heart that it was anyone, anyone other than Fumiko who went with that ambulance this morning.
* * *
From now on, every Friday, the two of us have cleaning duty together. I convinced the other two who are supposed to be cleaning today to switch days. They must think I’m insane, no one would want to stay behind longer on Friday of all days. But, I said it had to do with club activities, which was enough to make them change days.
I still don’t know why I’m doing all of this, kneeled down next to this girl, who’s so unanimously hated. Going out of my way to learn more about her.
“Fumiko, have you told anyone close to you about your schiz-, ahem, about the things you see?”
“I don’t need to tell them, they… can see it quite clearly… I’m not n-normal—” she had a hard time saying the word, “at least not anymore.”
I guess that question hit a sensitive string, better leave it at that note.
“When it all began, I tried to hide it. I knew that something weird was going on… But, the moment the hallucinations began… The moment I started seeing things…” she let her sentence trail off into silence.
“What happened before you started seeing things?” I asked.
Since she herself continued on the topic, I felt it was okay to dig.
After a long pause, I was about to tell her to ignore my question, but then she answered, “The voices. They’re still here. Telling me to do things, telling me I’m worthless, telling me I–”
I grabbed one of her trembling hands, “It’s okay. You don’t need to continue.”
“The voices are scary, but the visual hallucinations… they’re much worse.”
I tried my best to say something, but anything I could’ve said didn’t feel right. I wanted to tell her that I understood, but am I in any position to say something like that?
Then, once more, it was she herself who broke the silence.
“You see, Daisuke,” she reached for something in her bag, “This pen right here, you can see it, right? Right? The only thing that confirms the existence of this pen I’m holding is your affirmative observation. All of what makes me understand that this pen is here, are senses guided by my brain.
Her voice was shaking.
“I can feel it, see it, when I drop it; I hear it. If I were to open it up, exposing the ink, I could smell it. All of those senses are used against me to create things that aren’t there. But how am I supposed to find a difference?”
Her voice got more filled with emotion by the second.
“People call me crazy, but for me, everything is real.”
Her words were really hitting me, especially since her hands weren’t holding a pen—they were empty.
* * *
The day I dreaded came, the day after the ambulance was at our school. On my way to school—together with Ryuji as always—I was more quiet than usual. He was as well. He doesn’t show it in the classroom environment, but I guess he, too, feels how bad this might be.
When we arrived in class, no one else seemed to be as silent as the two of us were. Once the bell rang, and Fumiko wasn’t at her seat, it was quite the opposite of silent.
“Teacher, have you heard anything about who was in the ambulance yesterday?”
He dropped his workout weights disguised as a bag on his desk.
“I haven’t heard anything, stop talking about it already.”
After making that clear statement the lesson got started.
That’s how it went for the rest of the week. A silent walk to school with Ryuji. A loud class asking the same question each morning. Our homeroom teacher giving the exact same answer. Until it was Saturday.
In the morning when I went to the grocery store, with a shopping list for today’s dinner, I came across Fumiko’s mother. I’ve only met her once before.
* * *
Today marked the first full month of our secret friendship. Shortly after eating dinner, a phone rang. The landline.
“That’s unusual, can you answer it, Daisuke?” mom asked, she was still washing the dishes.
“Alright.”
I answered the phone, “Good evening, Dai- um, Wakamoto residence speaking.”
“Daisuke… I’m in trouble…”
That voice, it was definitely Fumiko.
“What do you mean by ‘trouble’?”
“There’s someone knocking on my window… they might try to break in.”
“…Can’t you just close the curtains and turn on a louder sound?”
“I-I did… but it was so loud that I just…” she let her sentence trail off.
“Where are you right now?”
“Under my bed, but I’m too afraid to…”
“Alright, I got it. Give me your address and I’ll be on my way.”
“Where are you going, Daisuke?”
“I’m going out for a bit, I won’t be gone long.”
Her house was surprisingly close to mine. I had never seen her outside of school before, even though she lives a ten minute walk away from me.
When I arrived at her house, I noticed that I didn’t have anything planned to say. She had told me before that her mother was a very caring and understanding person. Before I pressed the doorbell I was whispering, ‘Please be her mother, please be her mother…’
The door opened, and luckily for me it was her mother.
“Good evening, what may I help you with?”
“Um, well… Fumi- um I mean, your daughter, she—” I completely messed up.
“Hang on, are you… Daisuke?”
“…Yes,” I nodded.
“Oh my goodness,” she held her cheek in the palm of her hand, “I’ve been wondering what kind of guy you were, Fumiko never stops talking about you, you know.”
I was left a little dumbfounded by the sudden positive reaction.
“I-is that so…”
“Say, Daisuke. Did Fumiko ask you to come over?”
“Well, she said she was scared, so… I kinda just told her that I was coming over… Sorry.”
“My-my, no need to apologise. I’m glad you’re helping her out.”
She stepped backwards and pointed at the stairs, “Her name is written on the door.”
“Alright, thank you.”
I walked up the stairs, a little embarrassed. There was a hallway with multiple doors. On the one the furthest away from the stairs was hers, her name was written on it with some stickers next to it.
“Pardon my intrusion,” I politely said before opening the door.
The lights of her room were on. The rose red curtains were closed. Her bed, right underneath her window, was neatly made up. Actually, everything in her room was like that.
I slowly walked up to her bed.
“Fumiko…” I got on my knees and peered underneath her bed, “I found you.”
Her eyes lit up, and her smile radiated relief, “You found me!”
* * *
“Daisuke…” her mother looked bewildered.
“Good morning,” I said.
The way she was looking at me gave me the impression that she wanted to tell me something, but had a hard time doing so.
I decided to be brave and break the ice, “How is Fumiko doing? She has been absent all week.”
“The school hasn’t told you yet, have they?”
She forced a smile on her face, which only made her look more depressed.
“Told us… what?”
“Do you have a minute?”
She put the few groceries in her basket back in place before the two of us left. I had no clue where we were going, her house is in the opposite direction after all.
As clever as I can be, sometimes the most obvious of things don’t come to mind until the very last second; when the two of us were standing in front of the hospital.
“Brace yourself Daisuke, and forgive me if I break down in tears again.”
We entered the hospital and stepped into the elevator. Fumiko’s mother held her trembling hand in front of her chest, the same way Fumiko does.
“It’s the seventh floor, would you mind pressing the button for me?”
“O-okay.”
We stepped out of the elevator on the seventh floor.
“Hey Daisuke, if my legs stop moving… please pull me along.”
She slowed down with every step she took. But we made it to the room, Fumiko’s room.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. At the exhale she pulled the door open.
And there she was. Intubated. Her eyes closed, like a fairy-tale princess in eternal sleep. I had no words to say. Her mother understood and patted the top of my head.
“I don’t know if it’s right to bring you here—to show you this. But I felt that you, Daisuke, have the right to know.”
I was too in shock to say anything, so I didn’t. Not until we were back at the grocery store.
“Thank you for showing me… I had been wondering what was going on. It’s hard to accept, but I’m glad you let me know.”
“You’re a good kid, you know,” she smiled, this time a little less depressed, “Feel free to visit her whenever you want, Fumiko will appreciate it.”
* * *
The following week I started visiting the hospital everyday after school. I didn’t want to come off as suspicious, so I walked home with Ryuji first, and then continued my way towards the hospital.
On all days from Monday to Thursday her mother was there as well. Probably arriving a whole lot before I did, but we always left at the same time.
Today, on Friday, I was later than usual. I have cleaning duty on my own after all.
I opened the door to her hospital room. There she was, sitting upright in her hospital bed. Staring through the opened window, the wind blowing her hair sideways, she really was a fairy-tale princess.
Before I could fully process what was happening, she noticed me. Her eyes opened wide, her smile even wider. She waved her arm around extremely enthusiastically.
I was trying to say something, but she beat me to it.
She stopped waving and said, “Aaae-oooha”
“F-Fumiko…?”
She made more inaudible sounds. I fell down onto my knees. I realised right then, I didn’t arrive before her mother did. I didn’t arrive after she left. I understood, she was crying somewhere. I understood, she didn’t want to show her just how fragile she is, after staying strong for so long.
I sat down on the chair sideways of her bed. Fumiko was still babbling incomprehensible words.
About fifteen minutes after my arrival, a man opened the door. He had the same pitch black hair Fumiko has. It was her father.
“You’re Daisuke, aren’t you?”
Still too in shock to say anything, I simply nodded.
“I’m sorry, that you have to deal with all of this.”
“No, I—”
“Apologies. I didn’t come to say sorry. I came here to thank you.”
He pulled one of the other chairs in the room closer and sat down, his back tilted forward. His right leg was shaking up and down. He held his hands together in front of his mouth.
“They said it won’t necessarily be permanent, the doctors.”
I nodded.
“If she’s able to fight through, even a full recovery is possible.”
His leg was still shaking. I nodded.
“She’s a strong girl, right? She won’t give up this easily, right? She’ll return to us as the same old her who didn’t return that day… right?”
There were tears in his eyes. There were tears in mine.
* * *
During the remainder of that week; Saturday and Sunday, I didn’t visit Fumiko.
Today was Monday. When Ryuji and I arrived, seconds before the bell rang, the mood in the classroom was really tense and serious.
“Sit down you two.”
We sat down, and the entire class was quiet, it has never been this quiet before.
“There will be an investigation in this class.”
He stopped speaking after that sentence, every passing second felt increasingly more intense.
“I know you all noticed two weeks ago, your classmate Fumiko hasn’t been showing up.”
He slammed his hand onto the blackboard.
“And one of you is to blame for that!!”
Fear. Confusion. Anger. In that order. If he isn’t just saying that for the sake of saying it, that means Fumiko’s current state wasn’t an accident; it was the result of bullying.
The investigation that our teacher warned us about began that same day. One by one, and only one at a time, we got picked out of the classroom to answer the investigators’ questions.
It was my turn now.
“Good morning Wakamoto.”
“Good morning.”
I sat down on the chair across from theirs with a small table in between us. The two investigators were an old man with grey hair and a younger man.
“What can you tell us about Fumiko, Wakamoto?” the young one asked.
I didn’t want to tell them anything they didn’t have to know. My friendship with Fumiko had been secret all this time. I didn’t see a reason to give away that secret now.
“I don’t know what I could tell you, what have the others told you, if I may ask?”
“Clever, Wakamoto. Just so you know, there’s no law that says we have to go easy on children.”
He stood up from his chair, leaned over the table and stared into my eyes at a finger’s distance.
“If you think we’re here to play your mental games, boy, you’re dead wrong!” he shouted.
“I have nothing to tell you.”
Even to my own surprise, I stayed calm under this kind of pressure.
“Next question,” the older one said, “Where were you that Monday morning when the ambulance arrived?”
I took a second to think, but then I realised. With a single question, they’ve got me cornered. Ryuji and I are always late, that day was no different. If I admit that the two of us were the last ones to enter the classroom will that make us their main suspects? What if I lie and Ryuji tells the truth… or vice versa… Would we be screwing each other over? What am I even getting so worked up for? The two of us were running to school, we didn’t do anything.
“I was in the classroom.”
The young one started writing something down.
“And how long before the ambulance arrived were you in the classroom?”
“Several seconds.”
The young investigator finished writing and dropped his pen, like a mic drop, “Case; solved.”
“Not so fast,” the old one said, “We have a couple more questions.”
They asked more questions, some that seemed to have nothing to do with this investigation whatsoever. I walked back to the classroom. I was glad I went before Ryuji, there’s only about ten minutes left before the break, then I’ll tell Ryuji to just be honest as well. We’re innocent after all. Even if the young investigator is a jerk, they’re still professionals. They’ll find the culprit, eventually.
I sat down on my seat, not even attempting to catch up with class. About a minute after I arrived the door opened again.
The old investigator looked at his document and called out, “Mizusawa Ryuji. You’re next.”
I felt a chill go down my spine. But I couldn't show it. I stared at his back as he left the classroom. Stay strong, my friend.
When the bell rang, when it was time for the break, Ryuji still hadn’t returned yet.
“Hey, Ryuji sure is taking his time, isn’t he?”
“Let’s go check it out.”
Two classmates had decided on eavesdropping, a dozen students followed.
Like sheep in a herd, you can’t really stand still without getting stampeded. I followed the pack as well.
Our timing couldn’t have been worse, at the moment we were in hearing distance from the investigators’ room, we heard loud shouting.
“I’m telling you! He didn’t do anything!”
“Then who else? Wakamoto was the last one to arrive in the classroom wasn’t he?”
“I’m telling you! He didn’t do it!”
“And how are you so sure?”
“Because I—” he paused for a second, “I was with him that morning.”
“So both of you did it? Old man, you seeing what I see? Case; solved!” I heard his pen dropping.
The classmates who came all the way here were all staring at me.
“Daisuke…”
Before I could say anything to defend myself, they all started teaming up against me.
“You’re the worst!” “How could you?”
“We didn’t…”
I didn’t get the chance to defend us.
After school ended on that Monday, on our way home, I didn’t say a single word to Ryuji. Ryuji didn’t say a single word to me. I knew enough, he, too, understood. We became the main suspects for the investigators because we were the last ones to arrive to class. Now our classmates suspect us of things we didn’t do. As unfair as it is, everything will be okay. It was the first day of the investigations after all, they wouldn’t be satisfied had they gone home without a single clue.
I don’t mind being their first clue to the actual culprit. Everything will be alright, I’m sure of it.
When we arrived at Ryuji’s house, I went on my way towards my own; I didn’t visit Fumiko that day either.
* * *
“Daisuke, how many beetles have we caught?”
“Oh, I’ll count!”
I walked back to our fortress, but all of our bugs escaped.
“Ryuji! They’re all gone!”
“Are you kidding me? All of them?”
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
That summer break, when we were half our current age, we had built a fortress where we kept the bugs we caught. Our plan was to catch a thousand bugs, and then catch a golden beetle. The golden beetle would be our king, the thousand bugs our army and together we would beat all other bug armies in the world.
But, all of our bugs had escaped.
“Don’t worry, Ryuji. I just thought of something. Why are we catching the thousand bugs first, when we should be looking for the king?”
His fist landed on top of his palm, “You’re right! We’ll find the golden beetle first! Then we’re gonna build its army!”
“Yeah!”
Each day that we hung out, we looked for a golden beetle.
The only time that we came close to catching one was at a picnic near a river.
On the other bank of the river was a little glistening thing. When the two of us noticed it roaming around in the grass, it already started to fly away.
“That must be…”
“A golden beetle!”
Without hesitation Ryuji jumped in the river. Scaring the beetle further away. But he didn’t stop running. Even with his clothes entirely soaked, he still ran. I was no different. I jumped in the river as well and followed him. We really were desperate to find a golden beetle after all.
Unfortunately, the beetle got away before we could get a second glimpse of it. And on top of that, we got scolded pretty badly for jumping in the river.
Thinking back to it, it doesn’t really matter how often we got scolded. It was our life mission in some sort of way. A life mission we have yet to accomplish.
* * *
Tuesday morning when we entered our classroom, we were met by glares filled with disgust. Even the teacher looked at the two of us like that.
“One minute too late, what were you two up to this time?”
“…Nothing, sir.”
With a heavy slam he put his bag on his desk.
“Sit down already!”
Classmates all around the room were whispering.
“Daisuke, Ryuji. Before the investigators arrive, tell us what the two of you did.”
“We didn’t do anything.”
“I’m sure they did it.” “They were late that day.” “They’re guilty.”
I stared down at my desk, completely helpless. You really can’t fight a class on your own. Right there and then I was ready to give up. Until I saw Ryuji a couple of seats away dropping his head on his desk.
“I’ll ask it once more, you two. Fess up already, what did you do to Fumiko?”
I stood up, slammed my hands on my desk and yelled, “Isn’t that easy? Isn’t that convenient?”
“Watch your tone, kid!”
“Not a single second have you shown any sign of sympathy towards one of your own students. Our own classmate!”
“Shut up!!”
“Every single one of you didn’t give a single damn. Not a single damn! But when terrible things are the outcome of your own actions, your inactions, that’s when it matters. The ‘I’m not the one to blame’ kind of feeling. That’s all you care about. More than the well-being of Fumiko, you care about pointing fingers!”
The classroom got awkwardly silent. I looked around, trying to get a glimpse of how everyone was reacting to my outburst. Most people silently stared out in front of them. Others looked as if they weren’t even there. Some were staring me down.
“That sounds like something a guilty person would say.”
A usually quiet girl said. She sat all the way in the front two rows away from me. A single comment that got the entire room roaring again.
“That’s right!” “You did it after all, didn’t you?”
I let myself fall down in my chair. This class was beyond helping. I didn’t care anymore. Hate me all you want, every single one of you disgusts me anyway, right, Ryuji? I looked over at him. He was still sitting in the same powerless way.
That’s when the investigators came walking in. The young man walked behind the older one. When our eyes met he winked and gave me a friendly smile. What’s his deal?
“Good morning, everyone. Like yesterday, we’ll start the day off with the same request: if you did it, or know who did it, please come tell us. The consequences will be in much greater favour for you if we can handle this business quickly.”
The younger one jumped in, “With that said, we got into contact with the hospital yesterday,” he looked through the stack of papers he was holding and started mumbling, “that paired with the information we’ve already gathered…” he cleared his throat, “Fumiko was found in the girl’s bathroom. At the time there was no one else present. The nursery teacher heard a loud noise when she was walking by. She was the one who called the ambulance.”
Everyone in the classroom was glancing at either Ryuji or me. The girl’s bathroom meant that they finally understood that Ryuji and I were innocent.
“We’ve got a few people we want to talk with today. We’re starting with Hana.”
Hana was the girl who sat one seat in front of me. She got startled after hearing her name and dropped her eraser, which fell down in my reach.
“Here you go.”
“Thanks.”
During the first break that day, multiple classmates came up to us to apologise. Their hostility didn’t last long, but I was glad it was over. That’s what I wanted to say out loud to Ryuji. Only then it started clicking in my mind. This hostility is what Fumiko had to deal with every single day.
I still had Ryuji by my side, and he knows when it comes to this, I’ll always be there to defend him. Fumiko didn’t have anyone.
That Tuesday I went back to the hospital for the first time.
When I entered the hospital, I saw her father who was about to leave.
“Daisuke!” he patted me on my shoulder, “She’s been doing good! The doctors said that if she keeps up this pace, she’ll recover in no time!”
He seemed relieved. A big weight had been dropped off his shoulders. I was relieved, too.
“Let’s hope everything goes alright.”
I entered the room. She was sitting on the ground, stacking blocks. I stepped a little closer, since she hadn’t yet noticed me.
“…Fumiko,” I called out her name.
She turned around and slowly raised her head. There it was again, those eyes that lit up in a flash. Her smile, contagious and sweet.
“Dai—ke!!”
She launched herself forward and hugged my leg. I was surprised by her progress in so little time. ‘Dai—ke’ that was my name she was trying to say, wasn’t it?
I patted her on the head, “Yeah, I’m Daisuke.”
The sudden entrance of a doctor startled me almost equally as much as her progress did.
“Oh, sorry about that, I thought everyone had already left.”
“Ah, um, don’t worry about me. Do you want me to leave?”
“No, no, I’m glad you’re here. I haven’t seen you around lately so I thought you had stopped visiting. I guess I just wasn’t paying attention when you were here these past few days. Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. You’re the only one I haven’t had the opportunity to give the explanation to.”
This doctor was a nice person. Although it seemed as if he never stopped speaking once he got started.
“Explanation?”
“Take a seat, take a seat.”
I looked down at Fumiko, who was still hugging my leg.
“Um, Fumiko…”
She loosened her grip when I tapped her on the head and I managed to escape.
“Alright, I’ll just start with the situation. Feel free to stop me if there’s anything you don’t understand, alright?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Okay. Fumiko had an accident at school. It’s unclear what happened. All we know is that her frontal lobe got damaged pretty badly,” he was pointing at his forehead, “This area of your brain controls a couple of things; your voluntary movement. This one has been going pretty well for her.
He stared at her, when she noticed, he gave her a thumbs up.
“Another thing that it controls is what you would call your higher level of executive function. A mouthful, right?”
He started laughing.
“What does that mean?”
“Good question. Basically, your reasoning, also your problem solving and your general intelligence. Harsh reality—I know—but that’s what she’s suffering the most from. Paired with her lack of comprehensible language.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So, now onto the recovery. She’s been doing pretty good over the last couple of days, I’m sure you’ve noticed. Right now she’s stacking blocks, I brought a puzzle set with me, we’ll be seeing how well that goes. Mind sticking around for that?”
“Oh, I’d be pleased to.”
In a single afternoon she went from stacking blocks to completing a puzzle set of thirty pieces. It took her a while but the doctor said that her progress was sublime. I was glad I went to visit her that day.
* * *
A week had passed since that day. Since her hospitalisation, Fumiko had been steadily recovering. That was the case, up until Friday. Since Saturday—so for the past four days—there was no development whatsoever. Her father, who was finally doing better mentally, was back to his state of desperation.
In the hallway, absolutely not out of either mine or Fumiko’s hearing range, her parents were arguing.
“Just give it a rest, dear. She has been recovering much faster than the average person does.”
“I know… I know! But what if she doesn’t recover beyond this point? What then? What then?!”
“Why does that matter? Fumiko is Fumiko! Just the same way that the present is the present! Stop living in the past already, dear. This is unfair, especially for Fumiko.”
I didn’t hear a word after that, only the sound of footsteps. Footsteps storming off.
“Fumiko,” I patted her on the head, “I’m going home.”
“Bye-bye,” she made small waving motions with both her hands.
On Wednesday, the investigators were back in our classroom for the first time since last week, Tuesday.
They finally had the hospital’s word on how Fumiko was found. She was laying with her head in the toilet, the toilet seat outside the stall at her feet. The entire incident is quite inexplicable. But they came to the momentary conclusion that it must have been her schizophrenia that caused the accident.
Which was a terrible conclusion, filled with flaws. A toilet seat doesn’t magically leave the toilet. If she had no tools in her possession to disassemble it with, she couldn’t have been the cause of her own accident. Surely the investigators knew, but this at least puts the class atmosphere at ease.
After school, I didn’t visit Fumiko. Not until it was way past visiting hours. I thought I would feel a little awkward with the tension between her parents.
The hospital’s doors are always open, it’s just that you’re not supposed to come here for visits after eight in the evening. I sneaked through the hallways, carefully avoiding the doctors present. I stepped out of the elevator. I had but one corner left. I slowly walked up to it. Looked around the corner, to see if the coast was clear.
“Daisuke, wasn’t it.”
I got pulled by my shoulder, I nearly screamed, but I managed to hold it in. It was the doctor I had talked to a couple of times.
“Oh, it’s just you,” I sighed.
“‘Just me’ huh? You’re thinking that I’ll let you act upon your own wishes, right?” he chuckled, “I get what you mean, I’m not exactly frightening am I? Anyway, you’re here to visit Fumiko aren’t you?”
He let go of my shoulder and shook his index finger around, like an elementary teacher would scold a kid.
“You know that I’m not allowed to let you do something against our rules. But, I won’t pretend I don’t know where you’re coming from. I saw her parents going at it in the hallway, as well. So, just this once, I’ll act as if I didn’t see you. Just make it quick, alright?”
He really doesn’t stop talking once he gets started, but I was extremely grateful for his kindness.
“Thank you so much!”
I walked around the corner and entered the door to Fumiko’s room.
She was sitting upright in her bed as usual. However, this time her face was resting on her knees.
“Fumiko?”
She raised her head, only then I realised that she was crying.
I quickly got to her bed and wiped her tears away, “No need to cry, Fumiko.”
She pulled on my shirt and softly bonked her head on my chest.
“I di’wan-to—hape,” she sobbed.
“It’s okay, Fumiko, no need to say anything.”
She pulled harder, and cried harder, too. I held her close to me, until she stopped crying.
“I have to go now, but I’ll be back tomorrow, alright?”
I let go of her and made my way to the door. With a loud slam to the floor, she fell out of her bed.
“Fumiko?!”
I got down on my knees, and checked out if she was alright. She pushed herself onto her knees and stared intensely at the floor. That was when she took me by my hands. She turned her gaze deep into my eyes and slowly pulled my hands closer to her. Placing them around her throat, pushing my thumbs.
“Imae-mom cwy… Imae-da cwy…”
She pushed my thumbs harder, as if she was trying to suffocate herself.
“Imae-u cwy...”
She broke down in tears again.
“Ionwan-to—liiv…”
At this point I was crying, too.
“Iwan-to die!”
The following day I didn’t visit Fumiko. I didn’t leave my house. I didn’t leave my room. I didn’t leave my bed.
* * *
It took me two days to leave the house again. I told my parents I felt very sick. I said the same thing to Ryuji and my classmates.
I heard from them that the investigation wasn’t going smoothly and they couldn’t wrap their heads around the entire situation. It seemed that they were close to giving up.
Today, after school, I was standing in front of the elevator. I wanted to visit her again. But, I didn’t know what to say after what she had told me.
After standing still for about a minute, my name got called out, “Daisuke, long time no see.”
It was Fumiko’s mother, with Fumiko—in a wheelchair.
“Yeah, long time no see. Um… how have things been?”
“She’s been doing fine,” her smile was forced and she looked away, “Anyway, how have you been doing?”
“Oh, good, as always.”
“Good to hear.”
I called the elevator for them, “Is she allowed to leave her room now?”
“Yes, great, right? Only the hospital’s garden for now, but soon she’ll be free to return home.”
The elevator arrived and its doors opened.
“On second thought, I have some things to do… I’ll see you soon. Bye Fumiko.”
“Bye-bye,” she waved, as adorable as she always did.
The following day, I didn’t go to school again. This time I went to the hospital straight away. I asked if I was allowed to go out with Fumiko and they told me I could.
I was pushing her in the wheelchair. The two of us had just left the hospital. We were told that we weren’t allowed to leave the hospital’s garden, but I didn’t really care about the restrictions. I wanted to go wherever Fumiko wanted to go.
“Fumiko, where do you wanna go?”
She turned her head around.
“Ka-a—o-ke.”
“Karaoke, huh… Are you sure?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, off we go then.”
Once we were at the karaoke bar, the young worker at the register was giving us weird stares.
“One room for half an hour please.”
“Right, gotcha.”
In the end we got a room without trouble. I picked a song that I thought she might know and handed over the microphone.
Her singing was pretty bad, but she looked happy, extremely happy. At that very moment I decided that nothing else matters. This will suffice.
The song ended, her score was the lowest I had ever seen. And yet, I had never witnessed someone so fired up after singing a song. She was eager to go again.
A while back I was the exact same as her father. Unable to accept that the Fumiko from before might be gone forever. But lately, I’ve grown more to accept it—like her mother did. This is Fumiko. No matter the outcome of her recovery, Fumiko is Fumiko. And I’ll be there, by her side, no matter what.
The second song ended, the third one began.
“Did you have fun today, Fumiko?”
“Ton-a-fun!” she cheered, with her hands high up in the air.
Nothing more, this will suffice.
* * *
“Hey, Daisuke,” Ryuji seemed pretty serious on our way to school the next morning, “I’ve been meaning to tell you something.”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve been visiting Fumiko regularly, haven’t you?”
I was silent for a while. There was no point in trying to hide it if he had already figured it out.
“Why are you asking?”
“I’ve been trying to apologise to Fumiko for a while now. On the few occasions I went to the hospital, I saw you heading over there as well.”
“You’re not the only one that needs to apologise, you know? The fact that you’re feeling guilty means you’re not a bad person.”
“You don’t get it, Daisuke…”
“Get what?”
“It’s not that I’m feeling guilty. I am guilty.”
The both of us stopped walking. Not a sound but the breeze. I stared at him, not knowing what he meant, not knowing what to say.
“I’m guilty,” he repeated.
“What do you mean, you’re guilty?”
“I unscrewed the toilet seat. I-”
I grabbed him by his collar and pushed him against the hedge.
“What do you mean you’re guilty? Stop screwing around, Ryuji!”
“I’m guilty, Daisuke, I’m guilty,” he said as he started crying.
“Why? Why would you do such a thing?”
“You know the girl I like, Hana. She was trying to pull a prank on her with the toilet seat. But she didn’t have a screwdriver.”
“How could you?”
I held his collar more tightly, my eyes were getting wet; I was about to cry.
“I didn’t think it through at the time. I selfishly thought this little joke could bring the two of us closer together.”
“How could you, Ryuji?”
“You clean every Friday. The school was empty. It was then that I snuck into the girl’s bathroom.”
“Ryuji…”
“I’m sorry Daisuke, I’m guilty.”
I punched him down to the ground.
“How could you, Ryuji?”
I could barely see his face through the tears.
“I’m sorry, Daisuke.”
I punched him again.
“You shouldn’t be saying that to me!”
“I’m sorry.”
I punched him again, failing to put much power behind it.
“Fumiko… She might never be the same again!”
“I’m sorry.”
I punched him again.
“Her mother and her father, too. Every single day they’re crying! They miss their daughter! You took her away from them!”
“I’m sorry.”
I punched him again.
“She told me that she wanted to die! Ryuji! She told me she wanted to die!”
“I’m sorry.”
One final time I punched him, before I fell on my back, crying harder than ever before.
“Daisuke… I’m sorry.”
That day neither of us went to school.
* * *
That Monday morning I was walking towards the classroom. In the middle of the stairways it started again.
Jump! Jump off the stairs! Fumiko, jump!
I turned around and walked down the stairs; I didn’t want to be on the stairs anymore.
I still had about five minutes to spare, so I thought it’d be best to just wander around until the voices settled down.
Whilst wandering in the hallways, everyone was staring me down. I’m sure they detest me.
They hate you. They want you dead. They’re plotting against you. They hate you.
I didn’t like this either, it was even worse than the stairs. I went to the girl’s bathroom to hide.
The stall all the way in the back is mine. ‘Shizo’s home’ is written on the front. On the back of the door are much meaner things written. I’m used to it, so it doesn't bother me as much anymore.
I opened the toilet’s door.
Fumiko, look up. Look up, Fumiko.
I tried ignoring the voice.
Fumiko… look up!
But it didn’t really work. I raised my head, looking up. That’s when I noticed a camera placed on the corner of the wall. Why would anyone place a camera there? I carefully put my right foot on top of the closed toilet seat. Then, ever so carefully, I put my left foot on top of it as well. I took a small step forward, trying to reach the camera. But then, it disappeared. I had nothing to hold onto, and at that moment… the toilet seat slid off the toilet.
I closed my eyes, since my head was about to hit the—
* * *
On the day after Ryuji and I fought, I waited on him in front of his house. He came walking out the front door at the usual time. I was glad to see he was doing okay, I went too far yesterday.
“Ryuji, about yesterday…”
“Don’t, Daisuke. I had it coming. I deserved every single bit of that. So don’t you dare apologise.”
“Ryuji, I went too far. I know that you didn’t mean any harm in your actions. These circumstances, you couldn’t have seen them coming.”
“I’ll tell them today. I’ll tell the investigators everything.”
“Yeah.”
We left.
“I don’t agree with what you’ve done. But I’ll have your back today, you can count on me.”
“Daisuke… you’re too nice to me.”
“Yeah I might be,” I laughed, “But no one has the right to think less of you because of this. Everyone else was in the wrong, too. Even me.”
We arrived at school. I went to the classroom, Ryuji, to the investigators.
About ten minutes later, all three of them arrived; the two investigators and Ryuji.
“Good morning everyone, Ryuji would like to share a word with you.”
“I’m the one who unscrewed the toilet seat,” he said, staring at the ground.
“Huh?” “So it was you after all!” “I already had a feeling…” “I bet Daisuke—”
“I,” he loudly started his next sentence, silencing the class, “I did it on my own, on Friday. Daisuke didn’t know, he had nothing to do with this.”
People started whispering again.
“I didn’t mean any harm,” the tears were visible in his eyes, they could come falling down at any moment, “I-I just wanted to be funny… I didn’t want anything like this to happen.”
“You’re the worst.” “You disgust me.”
I slammed my hands on my desk, like I did last time. But this time my voice was much louder, “There you go again! ‘You’re disgusting, you’re the worst’ is that all you guys can say?”
My hands were trembling on my desk.
“Take a second to reflect on yourselves! Had this not happened all of us would be laughing at his joke! A few weeks ago you couldn’t care less about Fumiko, but now, all of a sudden you do feel bad? Give me a break, stop pretending to care now when it’s convenient!”
Before I could continue, Ryuji himself stopped me.
“That’s enough, Daisuke. They’re right, I am disgusting, I am the worst.”
After he said that, the whispers returned, as if my intervention never happened. What in the world is he doing? He knew that I was right. He knew that I could soften the blow.
“Daisuke,” from a three desks’ distance he stared into my eyes, “Thank you.”
After he said that he left the classroom, together with the investigators.
During every break, and after the final bell, too, I was waiting in front of the school’s gates. Waiting for Ryuji. But he never came.
* * *
I left the classroom and ran away from school. I was going home. I could no longer handle this.
Out of habit, I took my shoes off when I entered the house which I quickly regretted, since I was headed to my garden.
When I was in my garden, I walked over to the shed. There was still that old, small wooden board hanging next to the door. It read: ‘Ryuji’s Castle’ Daisuke made it for me when we were younger.
I entered the shed and looked behind the garden equipment. I was a little relieved when I saw the rope I put here aeons ago still in the same spot.
Feeling relieved means… That I should go through with this, right?
With the rope over my shoulder, like a mountain climber or something, I climbed up the stairs, to my room.
A few days ago, when neither of my parents were home, I installed a hook on my ceiling. A hook that will definitely be capable of carrying my weight.
I stood on my desk chair and pulled the rope through the hook and tightly knotted it. All that was left was the loop at the bottom.
When I was younger, me and my friends—mostly Daisuke—would have all sorts of adventures outside. There’s all sorts of unusual things we can make; the suicide rope is one of those things.
I got up on my chair again. Trying hard not to tremble, I wouldn’t want the wheels to start rolling off.
With the loop around my neck, my final seconds were ticking away.
My life was nice while it lasted, wasn’t it?
The rope strangled my neck, even before I kicked the chair away from under my feet. Now it truly has begun. Floating in the air, my eyes closed.
My life really was… nice while it lasted, wasn’t it?
I got to meet tons of friends. My family was full of great people. I truly had a wonderful time.
Ah… In the end I never got to watch that movie with Hana and the others.
A few weeks ago we had promised to go watch it together. We had all been so eagerly waiting for it, too.
Oh, I also never got the chance to apologise to Fumiko.
I should’ve apologised a long time ago… but the longer I waited the harder it became. Daisuke was right, I tore her life apart. Daisuke was right, I tore her family apart. Daisuke was right, he always was.
Wait, Daisuke… In the end… we never got to catch a golden beetle. Too bad, right?
I started kicking my legs around uncontrollably. I opened my eyes. I can’t end it here… It’s not over yet… I tried to loosen the rope around my neck, but no luck. The chair had already rolled off too far away from my leg’s reach.
Just when I thought it was over, I heard the front door opening.
“I’m home,” it was mom, “Oh, Ryuji, you’re early,” she must’ve noticed my shoes in the hall, “Hey, Ryuji, are you there?”
I’m here, mom. I’m here.
“Ryuji?”
I’m here.
“Oh dear, did you go out without your shoes again?”
I didn’t mom, I’m here.
Every direction I turned my head towards, I saw familiar faces scattered in the crowd.
‘How many of those really cared?’ I bluntly asked myself.
I stopped looking around and stared in front of me. Only then it came to my attention that I didn’t have my speech in the chest pocket of my black suit.
Should I really even go up there to say anything?
All the words I’d share, for the living to hear, non-existent for the deceased. My speech was probably pointless anyway, no matter how beautiful the words I wrote were… they won’t bring you back, Ryuji.
My eyes started wandering around again, coming to halt at every person to blame. I blankly stared in front of me again and saw my reflection on the neatly cleaned tiles,
‘It was I wasn’t it? I’m the one who killed you,’ I murmured, right before shedding my first tear. The second quickly followed, no matter how hard I tried to hold back, tears were flowing out of my eyes like a waterfall.
No matter how much it must have hurt to be rejected by the class. No matter how much it must have hurt imagining the confrontation with your parents. No matter how much the guilt must have been eating you alive. No matter how much anything must have hurt, nothing compared to my reaction, right?
Everything felt unfair. I couldn’t get mad over your mistakes. More than anything, I couldn’t apologise for mine. I can never tell you how much I’ll miss you. We’ll never get a chance to say a proper goodbye. Because this wasn’t the right time. There was so much more we had promised each other. Our children would go on adventures together, just like we used to. We promised, didn’t we? We were going to tell them all about our adventures together.
His mother walked to the front. Before she could say a single word, she fell down onto her knees, crying. Holding her speech in front of her face, crying harder. Whispering his name, crying—even harder.
“It’s my fault! I should’ve noticed!”
Apparently she arrived home right when Ryuji did it. She didn’t have a clue. I couldn’t bear watching any longer. I buried my face in my hands.
When the speeches were done, we headed outside, to bury him. While he was being buried deep into the ground, I turned my gaze up towards the sky, imagining Ryuji looking at us from high above. That’s when I heard the sound of loud and annoying beetles.
At that moment I realised that in the end, we never caught a golden beetle.