"Merry Christmas Grandma"

I sat cross-legged, alone in a not-so-spacious room. it's a Christmas night, but I am in a rather somber mood. after all, it's been quite a long time since I visited this place. in front of me, a black and white picture of a young lady in her 20s is in the middle of a small shrine. wearing old traditional clothing, she was smiling from ear to ear.

even though I only knew her when she was old, her smile never faded.

"forgive me for not visiting more often."

billowing smoke, originating from a burnt red stick, devoured by a blazing flare. The empty room, filled with the woody scent of incense that I lit.

it has been 3 years since Grandma's death.

I put a slice of cake on the shrine as an offering. despite her having diabetes, I remember vividly how much she likes to eat sweets. She would sometimes sneakily eat a cake without any of us knowing.

"I miss you a lot, Grandma"

in a place where I was regarded as a failure, Grandma's presence was a haven. She would unconditionally support me no matter what I'm doing. when I started to let my parents down, grandma would be there to cheer me up.

"failing is a part of life. your grandpa also fails a lot"

"but when I saw him standing back up every time he got knocked down, I was able to know what a wonderful person he truly is."

her face is always full of smiles whenever she talks about my late grandfather. every time I would be feeling down, Grandma would be there to stroke my head with her hands. As she talked about the past, her soothing voice made me feel safe.

as I reminisce, I hear a loud crowd chattering around. I remember the party that was happening down below. just the thought of having to face all of them makes my heart tremble and even cold sweat started trickling down my face.

"Grandma, please give me strength"

I stood up from the dust-filled floor. As I walked towards the door, I noticed my whole body was quivering. just the thought of having to face the people down below made my knees weak. but I know, I need to face them sooner or later.

with a rhythmic motion, I let the air fill up my lungs, taking a deep breath.

"(slap) you got this"

my face, red from the slap I gave. With a determined face, I took a step out of the room and headed straight downstairs.

On the way down, I saw around 20 people on the first floor. they are all happily chatting around. in the middle of the room, I could see my sister conversing happily with some of them. besides her, a handsome man in a suit is also having a light conversation with the guests. he is none other than the husband of my sister. my sister is quite the beauty, but her partner is no less attractive.

"Congratulations on your marriage, you guys look great together"

"thank you," my sister said with a sincere smile on her face. her husband also replies with a smile. they look at each other and both their face becomes red like a cherry.

"Haha haha"

Everyone around them could only laugh at the newlywed behaviour.

The guests today are quite diverse, to say the least. from my parent's acquaintance, my sister's friend, and my brother-in-law's work colleague, the room is filled with a variety of people. all of them are neatly dressed though, compared to me who wears quite an old and weary attire.

I sneakily enter the room without making too much of a noise, trying to avoid any hassle that might come my way. Trying to procure some drink for my dry throat, I walk towards the beverage table.

I walk slowly just outside everyone's field of view like I'm playing a stealth game of some kind. my years of trying to avoid attention are working wondrously. As I circled the crowd, I saw a familiar face that I hadn't seen for a few years. my eyes that perceive the crowd instantly capture her dazzling face.

her long lustrous black hair, her bright skin, her warm smile, everything was the same as I remember. To top it all off, her glittering black dress fit her perfectly.

In the room, She is surrounded by a crowd of men and women, trying to gain her attention. She engaged in a conversation with them, though from her eyes occasionally wandering around the room, I could see she wasn't focusing on their conversation.

but suddenly, as her eyes drifted to where I stood, our gaze met. soon, her smile quickly vanishes. I didn't expect her to realize I was there.

"Leo?" she uttered with a face as pale as a ghost.

without hesitation, she stood up and went my way. even in a situation where I should have run off, I could only be mesmerized by her graceful steps. meanwhile, shocked by her sudden movement, everyone's attention started shifting towards where she was headed.

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with each step she took, my heartbeat started beating louder and louder. without realizing it, she already arrived in front of me.

we looked at each other with a complicated emotion on our faces. everyone's expression was full of questions, wanting to know what was up between the two of us, but their mouth couldn't move an inch. they know, that it is not their place to interrupt.

"It's been a while," she said with a melancholic smile on her face. at this point, it's already impossible for me to avoid her, especially with everyone's eyes on us.

"Hey Helen" I responded with a gentle smile that took all I had to muster.

Helen Parker, my childhood friend of 20 years...

...and my Ex-girlfriend of 4 years.

this is why I have been trying my hardest to avoid the crowd. I knew she was going to attend this party. even the smallest exchange of words with her made my heart tremble greatly.

"How are you doing these days?" she asked while looking at me. my messy hair and face, my jaded attire, all laid bare for everyone to see. not that I care what they think of me, my reputation is at rock bottom already. but I would have prefered it if she didn't see me being such a mess today.

"I'm doing fine. what about you? how's your business going?"

she went silent for a while as She stared at me for some time, before giving out a small restrained sigh.

"I'm doing great. I have just arrived back from Kyoto for my business trip 2 days ago."

"I see. congrats. looks like you've been busy with work" I said as I offered her some wine from the beverage table.

"Sorry, I don't really drink at parties."

"oh, okay" rejected, I could only put down the drink I offered her.

now that I think about it, she has changed quite a bit from my memories.

Helen used to be quite a shy person.

even after we started dating, when we went out on dates for the first few months, she would try to avoid any attention coming her way. in the past, I thought that was quite cute of her. even as we walked on our dates, she would usually be sneaking around stealthily, hiding from other gazes by using my body as a cover. I would laugh at her for being so paranoid all the time, but that's who she is.

a shy yet dazzling girl that I fell in love with. I never mind it one bit, in fact, I love that part of her.

but as time passes, people change.

I don't know whether it's because she started being friends with more sociable people, but one day, Helen who used to be a shy girl started getting more and more outgoing. She wouldn't mind acting lovey-dovey in public with me, even doing something that she would never do in the past.

am I disappointed that she changed? to be fair, not really. at that time, I could only be glad to see her grow and make new friends.

As her boyfriend at the time and ultimately, as her friend, it pains me every time I see her struggling to socialize when I am not there with her.

So, what's so bad about her growing into a better person? no matter how she changes, it doesn't diminish my feelings for her anyway.

I believed that till the very end of our relationship.

but I guess love is a two-way street after all.

maybe, as she was changing for the better, I was changing for the worse.

not long after that, we broke up.

as my mind nostalgically thought about the past, a question popped up in my mind.

a remark that I heard a few days before Christmas.

"Is it true that you're getting married?"

a question that I've been trying to avoid came out of my mouth. maybe, even though I was afraid to ask, I was more than curious enough for my inner self to ask her without any hesitations. realizing what I had just asked, I could only look at her and wait for her to respond.

she looks at me with a stunned face.

what does that expression mean? am I supposed not to know about it? or is she surprised that I was brazen enough to ask her about it?

she went silent for a while before replying.

"yes, I'm getting married"

"I see...." I hung my head and looked down in a solemn manner.

even though we have been separated for almost 3 years...

even though I know that she has no feelings for me anymore...

maybe deep down, I was still expecting something. maybe not to the extent of getting back together, but I thought we could be close as friends would.

I thought I had already buried my feelings for her deep inside of me, but I guess, it's hard to truly get rid of these feelings. I could feel my heart beating even faster than before like it was trying to get out of my body. an overwhelming emotion hit me like a wave of tsunami.

"..." I was silent, not knowing what to say. As I looked up and her face came to full view, I could see her waiting for my response.

and then I realized...

it hurts.

there was once a time when I expected our relationship to last till the end of our life.

holding hands as we grow old together.

building a family hand in hand.

now, all of that is just an imagination that will never be fulfilled.

but even though I am saddened by this fact, I am glad.

as someone who has been her longtime friend since childhood, as a person who has seen her struggle since she was young,

seeing her find her own happiness left quite a bittersweet feeling in my heart. that's why today, with a genuine smile on my face, I could only say...

"congratulations"

It would have been wonderful if I could be her source of happiness.

but even if I wasn't, it doesn't matter.

I just hope that she can live a life full of happiness.

in the depths of my psyche, some parts of me are asking...

'Why aren't you cursing her?'.

but deep down, I have already realized. even after we broke up, I never once prayed for her to be unhappy.

because I believe that everyone has their own happiness to pursue.

'just because my life isn't going the way I want, doesn't mean I should pray for everyone else to be unhappy too.'

I truly believe in that notion.

"..."

she was bewildered. her expressions were complex, to say the least. my eyes were still matching her gaze, and I could see her pupils starting to shake slightly.

maybe she expected me to respond more strongly about her engagement. after all, we broke up on a not-so-good term as she was the one who broke up with me. I still remember to this day, the way she left me without saying any reason.

after that, we stared at each other for a while. my expression was quite relaxed as I looked at her with a thin smile. meanwhile, still perplexed by what I said, she tried her best to keep her smile from fading.

at first, I came to this party intending to avoid her if I could. but now that everything is out of the bag, I would love to finish this matter right here right now.

'Helen?' a man's voice came from her back.

suddenly, five people appeared from behind her. a man in his mid-20s with sleek hair, two old women linking hands together, and a grey-haired old man emanating an aura of excellence.

"hey sweetheart, do you mind introducing him to me?" the sleek-looking man put her hand on Helen's shoulder. with a composed face, he went between me and Helen, preventing any further interaction between us.

"Daniel..." Helen muttered as soon as she saw his face. despite his friendly mannerisms, I could feel his antagonistic glare towards me.

but I didn't pay him any mind. instead, my gaze went from Helen to the grey-haired old man behind her. the old man was flowing with vigour, his face seemed flushed with surprise.

'I guess he didn't expect me to be here,'

my once relaxed heart started to tremble once again.

I took a deep breath to calm my mind.

and then, I initiated a conversation.

"It's been a long time, Dad"