While Connor was experiencing the great joy of attempting to coordinate four different and (to a depressingly large degree) mutually exclusive Systems, the lady Yu Yao was walking calmly down a hallway.
The commander of the Advertising Division in the Bureau for Transmigrator Affairs, she had been out in the field dealing with a recalcitrant advertiser, factory owner, and just all around yahoo when her father had called her back in the final third of her mission. Ever the dutiful (if occasionally resentful) daughter, she had returned immediately, and was now walking down richly appointed wooden halls, only a moderate amount of annoyance beating in her breast.
The hallway was endless, a continuous stream of tapestries and pillars, beautifully decorated with intricate designs and interspersed with tastefully chosen sculptures, but Yu Yao paid them no mind. She strode down the hall, nodding politely to the guards as she passed, thoughts focused exclusively on such things as her meeting, the question of whether she'd receive another mission, and how best she might prepare for one if she did.
She reached an anteroom, and indicated to a nearby servant the name of the person who she was here to see. The servant nodded, informed her to wait until such time as she was called, then vanished down a side hallway.
After a moment a massive pair of gilded doors set in the wall of the anteroom swung open, and she heard her name called. Steadying herself, Yu Yao walked through the door.
The following room was huge, but mostly empty, rows upon rows of beautifully carved columns filling the blank floor. There were a couple men in robes standing amidst the forest of columns, recording data in booklets with their pens, but the only other person in the room was sitting on a grand throne at its centre. Yu collapsed onto her knees, bowing until her head touched the floor.
“Yu Yao greets his most imperial majesty, the emperor of the Great Xuan. May he reign for ten thousand years.”
The emperor nodded for a moment, looking regal and magisterial, and then he broke out in an ear to ear grin. “Dearest daughter, you’re looking lovely today! Is that a new haircut?”
Yu Yao, Princess of the Yu Dynasty of the Great Xuan, Seventeenth Daughter of the Eighty-Sixth Concubine of His Most Imperial Majesty, Emperor Yu Yiren, sighed. “Yes, father. I had it done this morning.”
“It’s very nice. Come, come, why are you still kneeling? Come give your beloved father a hug.”
And the emperor stood up on the throne to embrace his daughter. Yu remained kneeling. “It would not be appropriate, your majesty, for you to exchange signs of affection with a subject in such a public place.”
The emperor sighed, and collapsed back into his chair. He put one hand to his forehand, as if pantomiming defeat.
And Yu would almost have been convinced, had she not then felt a tugging on her cheeks. She sighed. “Your majesty, this is not an appropriate place for Aunty Ai’s Long Distance Cheek Pinching Technique.”
The emperor pouted. “It’s not my fault your cheeks are so squishable. Now, tell me about your latest adventures. I’ve been given to understand that you had quite the thrilling time.”
Yu inclined her head in obeisance, and then proceeded to recount - in the driest and dustiest tone conceivable - her attempted execution and accidental killing of Jeffrey Throbscottle. When she was done the emperor several times self-importantly, asked several clarifying questions, commended her on a job well done, and then proceeded into the meat of his discussion.
“So, daughter dearest… when are you next planning to take a vacation?”
“Not for some time,” Yu replied crisply, attempting to forestall the dark and inevitable attempt to get her to take some time off. “There is yet a great deal of crime being perpetrated by transmigrators - pizza places, advertising The World’s Greatest Pizza while serving utterly mediocre and excessively greasy cuisine; restaurants, declaring that You Won’t Believe How Good It Tastes, when the taste is entirely believable; machinery companies, declaring that they sell Only The Finest In Supplies when their supplies are at best average. They do not all merit the ultimate penalty; but all must be dealt with, lest dishonesty threaten the Great Xuan.”
“Dishonesty will threaten the Great Xuan when we let a longing for the truth leave our souls,” the emperor idly remonstrated, “but you’re skirting the question. I know you love your job; but you’ve been doing it too long. You signed up for the Advertising Division when you graduated early at the age of fourteen, and in the eight years since have risen slowly through the ranks to the top - on your own merit, but without taking a vacation, and while working hours that, frankly, your mothers and I find excessive.”
“But daaaad,” Yu said, momentarily forgetting where she was, “I happen to very much enjoy my work, thank you kindly. And more importantly, it’s not just a job - it’s my duty.”
“Right, but haven’t you ever wanted to, I don’t know, do the stuff a normal twenty two year old woman does?”
“Your majesty does not engage in this kind of behaviour with my other siblings, surely?”
The emperor looked very straight-faced and completely trustworthy. “Oh, absolutely not. I would never.”
***
“Oooh, are those flowers daisies? They’re very pretty.” The emperor observed. One of his many younger sons blushed.
“Yes. I’ve been doing my best to learn to grow them - I’ve been told they have a long bloom time, so-”
“So the people can enjoy beautiful flowers for longer, all the while feeding the spirit bees. Brilliant!” Said the emperor, and ruffled his son’s hair. The latter blushed harder, and agreed, not mentioning that his beloved was fond of flowers. (Not that his silence saved him from the emperor finding out.)
***
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Yu Fu, one of the emperor’s many daughters, stared in confusion at the emperor. “Forgive my impertinence, your majesty, but why are you visiting the Academy disguised as a scholar?”
“‘Your majesty’? Who is this ‘your majesty’? I’m just Yi Liren, your average friendly travelling scholar.” Said the emperor in scholar’s robes.
Yu Fu narrowed her eyes, looked at the giant portrait of the emperor hanging on the wall immediately behind your average friendly travelling scholar, and shrugged.
“So, Mr. Yi Liren, what brings you here?”
“Oh, nothing. I was just passing by and figured I’d stop in and visit your chemistry department. So, what kinds of cool explosions do you have here?”
Yu Fu - who had first become interested in science after seeing that funky trick with the sludge and a tube - groaned. “Your imperi- I mean, fath- I mean, Mr. Yi, this is an agricultural chemistry lab. We research fertilisers.”
“You can have cool explosions with fertilisers.”
“Okay, but why would we want to have cool explosions?”
“Because. The purpose of science is to serve the people; the people love cool explosions; the purpose of science is to make cool explosions.”
His daughter screwed up her face and was about to argue, when she remembered her work day had ended an hour ago and she no longer needed to care. Her face lit up in a wicked grin. “Well, there’s this great new chemical compound I just bought…”
***
“And- and- and when I grow up, I’m going to be an awesome knight, and go out swinging my sword, and- and fight a dragon,” the emperor’s six year old great-grandson said, miming swinging a sword with his pudgy fists.
The emperor stroked his beard at this announcement. “But why would you want to fight a dragon?”
His great-grandson thought about this for a moment, but couldn’t reach a conclusion. He looked to his great grandpa for help.
“Think about it this way: why would you fight a dragon, when you could befriend one instead? Then you can convince it to let you ride it, and so you’d be an awesome knight swinging a sword on dragonback.”
“Oooh,” said the kid, eyes wide with wonder.
***
“Yes, I play few to no shenanigans with my children. Absolutely. You’re just the exception, dearest - not, to be clear, because I hold any favouritism towards your person. It’s just that your obsession with your work worries me.”
Yu Yao shook her head. “There is no need to worry about me, of that I can assure you. I will be just fine with my duty; and I await my duty with enthusiasm. Do inform me when next you have a mission for me.”
And with that, she gave her regards and withdrew, stopping only to pay her respects to the empress and the empress dowager, as her duty demanded. (And not because they had generous supplies of cookies.)
***
Two days later, Yu Yao walked once more down the hallway. She had been called to attend court; presumably, she figured, to receive her next mission. She had accordingly donned her finest military gear - robes which were formal and to the standards demanded of her rank, but not excessively fancy, with her badge and sword featured prominently on her hip.
She arrived in the anteroom, indicated to the attendant that she was present and ready, and then assumed an appropriate position while the attendant went off to inform the king’s attendant.
She didn’t have to wait long. After no more than a couple minutes the door swung open, one of the servants inside announcing her presence as she strode through the double doors and into the throne room.
The Confucian scholars surrounding her father - good men, one and all - watched her silently and approvingly, yet strangely with some concern, as she went through the formal rites and procedures.
The emperor stroked his beard and pretended to be mature as she knelt on the floor, wishing him good health, good fortune, and another thousand years of longevity. When at last the necessary propitiations had been dealt with he steadied himself in his seat, assuming the glory and dignity ostensibly inherent to his station, and began to address her.
“Yu Yao, commander of the Bureau for Transmigrator Affairs - Advertising Division. We have called you today to assign you a task which is most essential to the vitality and security of the state.”
Yao inclined her head, indicating her willingness to accept the task.
“Rumours - credible rumours - have come to our attention that there may be demonic cultivators operating in the vicinity of a number of tourist attractions and bathhouses in our idyllic western regions. We hereby ask you to investigate these rumours, starting with the beaches of the River Hooay and proceeding west over the Fields of Flowers to the Ten Thousand Plateaus, before circling around and visiting the resorts on the Lower Yarahei. We have had a map designed for you, which records each and every place we feel you must stop.”
One of the courtiers stepped forwards, bowed, and presented a map to the incredulous Yu. She examined its contents briefly, noting all the different places she was expected to visit.
“As the demonic cultivators may be deep in hiding, it is critical that you take the time to thoroughly investigate each location on the map - at least a week, if not two, should be spent in each spot. Furthermore, you should endeavour to take advantage of all available facilities - you never know which spas, buffets, or swim parks the demonic cultivators may be hiding in. Likewise, we expect you to carefully examine, then taste, out all the best dishes, drinks, and desserts, just in case demonic cultivators are meddling with our luxury snacks supplies.”
Yu looked at him in annoyance, her face the very picture of a bruh moment. The emperor appeared entirely unconcerned with her response; presumably, he considered imperial security issues too important to allow her emotions to ruffle him.
“Lastly, no skipping out on the finer establishments in favour of smaller ones - it’s the finer establishments demonic cultivators will target first, after all. The imperial household is prepared to finance this highly important trip personally, eschewing state funds, so you need not worry about expenses.”
“Capiche?” Said his most holy imperial majesty, the emperor, not even bothering to conceal his smirk. Yu Yao looked about at the courtiers to see if she could get any assistance in escaping this highly important duty, but alas, though many refused to look at her, none seemed especially distressed by the proposal. The Secretary of Vacation Pay looked especially smug.
Yu Yao narrowed her eyes, but did indeed capiche.
“I beg your pardon, your majesty, but may I ask a question?” Yu inquired, her tone intensely acerbic.
“Of course,” the emperor replied graciously.
“It’s just that I can’t help but notice that this tour route is identical in every respect to that of the article ‘The 100 Greatest Vacation Spots for Virtuous Female Cultivators to Visit: Resort Edition,’ published in last month’s edition of the Archaeological Digest Monthly. Could you comment on why this exact similarity might be?”
There was silence in the throne room.
“Darn, what a wacky and wild coincidence,” said the emperor. As surreptitiously as possible, he leaned over to grab a magazine off a table beside the throne, then hurriedly tossed it over his shoulder.
Yu kept her face as neutral as possible, not even allowing it to twitch.
“Anyhoo,” said the emperor idly, pretending nothing had happened, “you just go out there and have fun- I mean, carefully check all these bathhouses and vacation spots to ensure there’s no demonic cultivators there. The crown is counting on you to have a great time… and keep our kingdom safe.”