I was taught that all of our problems would go away once the sun set, we just had to wait for our night to turn to dawn.

I spent years convinced “tonight is my night. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up and be just like everyone sees me. I’ll be the person they see when they look at me. I will be her.”

Maybe tomorrow once I look out at the dawn, this feeling will be gone?

In my first year of high school, I ended up in the same class as Marcus. He grabbed everyone’s attention, not always for the best of reasons. Okay, rarely for the best of reasons. He was loud and goofy and absolutely hilarious. Even though I sat at the back of the room, I couldn’t help but smile at his dumb jokes and punny T-shirts. While I spent recess deep inside a book about Egyptian mythology, he played cards with his friends.

I was still surprised he was interested in someone like me.

Someone who was quiet, an introvert.

Someone who wasn’t sure who they were.

Now here we were, almost two years later and his friends were my friends. His Fridays were my Fridays.

I really thought, for some stupid reason, that becoming someone’s girlfriend would help me. That it would be my dawn, the moment I wake up next to a boy who loved me, I’d be that person he saw. I would stare into her eyes in the mirror and recognize myself.

Finally!

But, alas, I was back on square one. Wrong, again.

Everything in my lie was great! Everything! School’s up for the Easter break and Marcus had the brilliant idea to take advantage of the summer air and have a campfire by the beach with our friends.

If Marcus could, he’d live by the ocean, close to a beach. He loved water, in the winter, and in the summer.

I loved how he loved all versions of something, not just one part of it. He loved everything wholeheartedly and purely regardless of its shape or phase or state.

So why was I scared? Why was I so terrified of telling him who I was?

It’s not that because I was scared he’ll hate me, per se, more like I was scared he would stop thinking I was attractive. I was scared he would stop loving me the way he does now. I was scared that if I told him the truth, we’d go back to just being friends again.

I didn’t know which one was worse.

I sat in the bathroom, putting mascara on. I had always been creative. I loved painting and drawing. I loved feeling like a God, creating beautiful things out of a blank canvas. I created my own worlds where people like me weren’t ostracized for being different. A world where being alive wasn’t a political statement.

The door opened slowly and Marcus peeked inside, smiling. “Hey,” he breathed and entered, closing the door behind him. “You’re beautiful.”

I smiled at his reflection. “I’m not done yet.”

Marcus smiled at me. He pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, following the motion with his eyes. ”You’re already perfect.” It was barely audible. It was barely more than a breath, a meeting of our eyes. But I had heard it, and it had made my heart ache and I fought my instinct to look away to not make him worry. To not make him notice that I wasn’t okay. To not make him see through my disguise.

I smiled back at him.

“I’ll wait,” he said, taking half a step back, giving me space.

I rolled my eyes before continuing with the mascara. “Are you going to stand there and watch me the whole time?”

Marcus shrugged. “Sure.”

“You’re such a dork,” I said, grinning.

After a few minutes, when it was time to do my lips, my stubborn smile wouldn’t subside long enough for me to paint them properly and beautifully.

“This is why I don’t let you watch,” I muttered, glaring at him through the mirror but there was no animosity in my narrowed eyes.

Marcus’s smile widened into a grin of his own, the one that reveals his dimples. He used to be self-conscious about them, thinking they made him look ten years younger, like his baby brother. I loved them. I loved all of his smiles.

“I love seeing my artist girlfriend in action,” he said.

“Thank you,” I said.

He frowned at first. “You’re welcome,” he breathed.

He was right: this was me being creative, my face was my canvas, and the makeup my paint. This was an art form.

Once I finished, I rose to my feet and looked up at him. “What do you think?” I gestured at my face.

“You’re beautiful,” he said and chuckled. “You’re always beautiful, Lucy.” He grinned at me before leaning forward just a little bit, daring me or letting me lean in the rest of the way as if giving me the chance to accept or decline. He’s always been gentle with me, never pushing me into doing something he wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to do. He was always waiting for me to take the first step, to initiate things, or to meet him halfway, if I wanted to.

He dragged his hands from my neck and up my scalp, pushing just a little bit as we deepened the kiss. I wasn’t sure how long we stood there, or how I suddenly stood pressed against the bathroom door. When had it closed? I didn’t know and I didn’t care. All that mattered was the warmth that was pressed flush against me, the hands in my hair, the lips on my lips, and the tongue in my mouth.

One second later and it was all gone.

The door that had supported our weights was suddenly gone as I fell backward against the floor, my eyes widening at the feeling of falling, locking onto Marcus’s eyes that stared back at me.

Before either of us knew it, we laid on the floor, Marcus on top of me, our legs in a tangle.

”Uh”, came a voice from above us and I squeezed my eyes shut as fast as I could, my lips a tight line. I felt Marcus tensing above me. ”What the hell where you two doing?” my brother, Alex, asked before quickly adding, ”No, I don’t wanna know.” I heard how he was walking away from us. ”I’ll just take the other bathroom”, he muttered.

I felt Marcus press his face against my shoulder, his whole body getting warmer by the minute and I could swear I heard him say, ”Kill me now.” I rolled my eyes, trying to shove him off of me. I snorted as he hasted to stand up. ”You okay?” he asked.

I nodded before standing up. ”We should leave soon”, I said. “Can you wait for me outside?”

“Sure.”

I walked back into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I placed one palm on each side of the mirror, glaring at my own eyes as if the reflection of a girl was a stranger.

The reflection of a girl who was nothing more than an illusion.

The reflection of a girl who turned out to be a phase.

The reflection of the girl that Marcus loved and needed more than anything.

And I’ll never be her.

My dawn had yet to arrive.

Ten minutes later and Marcus and I stood in the hallway, putting on our shoes. Occasionally shoving at each other playfully, the way we always seemed to and it was a nice distraction from the conversation I knew that we had to have someday.

Tomorrow.

Next week?

Next month?

I didn’t know.

”Hey, Lucy?” said Alex, his arms crossed as he came to stand by the doorway facing us. ”Can I talk to you for a second?”

I raised an eyebrow in question before turning to look at Marcus, he was already looking at me.

”I’ll wait by the bike”, he said, opened the door, and left.

”What is it?” I asked, turning back to frown at my brother.

”Does he know?” Alex looked at me gently, his expression kind. I looked away. ”Lucy”, he said with that voice. The voice that makes your gut clench and makes you feel like you did something wrong, and in this case, I had.

”No”, I hissed, meeting his eyes only to find sympathy there. ”I can’t, Alex.”

”Why not? He loves you, Lucy.”

”Exactly! He loves Lucy, the girl but that’s not me.”

Alex sighed, closing his eyes. ”I don’t see the difference.”

”That’s because you’re my brother. Marcus is my boyfriend, how do you think he’d feel if I tell him I’m not his pretty girlfriend?”

”I think he’s not going to care. He loves you for who you are. Boy, girl”, he said and shrugged.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. ”He’s straight, Alex”, I sighed. ”He’s attracted to girls.”

”Has he told you that?”

I stared at him. ”What are you talking about?”

Alex smiled at me. ”Has Marcus told you that he’s straight? That he’s only attracted to girls.”

”Well, no but–”

”No buts”, he said and raised a hand to quiet me. ”You need to tell him, for the both of you.” Before I had the chance to respond, Alex had turned and walked away saying, ”Don’t stay out too late.”

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I smiled a little bit before shaking my head.

”What’s up?” asked Marcus when I left my house, he sat on the front porch, hands in his pockets, frown turned to me.

”Nothing”, I said and shook my head. ”Alex just warned me about staying up too late.”

Marcus grinned at that. ”How late is too late?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows. I punched him. ”Okay, fine!” He pointed an accusing finger at my chest. ”No s’mores for you, madam.”

I rolled my eyes, walking past him. ”We both know Johnny won’t stand for that.”

”You’re right”, he said before walking up to me. ”You sure you wanna drive?”

”I’m not going in you car, the answer’s no. Besides, my bike.”

”Your bike”, he agreed as if no more explanation was needed and, truthfully? It wasn’t. If there was one place I felt like I was completely free than it was on my bike. And having Marcus sitting behind me, his arms around me as I drive? Even better.

And Marcus knew that I felt that way and he had hopped on behind me the first time I offered to drive him to school. He hadn’t known at the time that I had meant a motorcycle, but he had trusted me enough to get on it. Didn’t mean he didn’t make a fuss about it for half an hour before giving in, though. He wouldn’t be Marcus if he didn’t. And it’s a part of his charm. Which I was never going to tell him because his ego didn’t need to grow larger. Besides, I loved teasing him about it.

Johnny and Kim were already there when we showed up and the campfire was lit. ”About time”, Kim said when they noticed us.

”Missed us that much, eh, Kim?” Marcus asked as we walked towards them, hand-in-hand.

Kim rolled their eyes. ”Not anymore.”

Marcus placed a hand dramatically over his heart, stumbling slightly for show. ”I’m wounded,” he said. ”Kim? How could you?”

They turned to look at me. ”How do you put up with him?”

I looked Marcus up and down, a little too long than necessary, before turning back to Kim with a shrug. ”It’s a mystery”, I said.

”Hey!” Marcus stared at me with a small smile. ”I hate you”, he said.

”Well”, I began. ”I hate you, too.”

”Naw!” said Johnny.

”Get a room”, said Kim.

Marcus and I grinned at each other before sitting down by the other side of the fire.

I sighed internally. As long as I didn’t overthink anything, this was going to go great. All I had to do was be myself. At least to some degree.

”Are you okay?” Marcus whispered, squeezing my hand.

”I’m fine”, I replied, a little too quickly, smiling, and when my gaze met his did I know that he knew that I lied. He didn’t comment though, instead, he squeezed my hand tighter before chatting away with Johnny and Kim with a grin and wild gestures.

At that moment I had thought –or maybe hoped– that the subject was dropped.

Little did I know then that all it took was the drive back to my house, an awkward silence in which Marcus expected me to invite him in but instead we just stood there and he had to ask me if I wanted him to come in with me, and, lastly, us alone in my bedroom, having our usual make-out session which made me think I now know what it feels like to make-out with someone if you’re a corpse.

Needless to say, it was awful.

I didn’t blame him, either. It was like routine for us, it wasn’t his fault my head just wasn’t present. My head was up in the clouds, full of thoughts and feelings I wanted to push for another day. I just wanted to be there with him, he deserved that much. He deserved to be kissed back.

My problem was that looking at him and seeing the love and adoration in his eyes as he stares at me and when he mutters ”you’re beautiful” or something in between kisses, it just…

He’s looking at Lucy, the girl. His girlfriend. And he loved her, but I wasn’t Lucy. I wasn’t even a girl. And I felt like I was lying to him and I loved him. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to break his heart, he’d had enough of that in the past. I wanted to make him happy, and Lucy made him happy.

Maybe I could pretend just a little longer? Give him what he wanted and needed.

Just as I started pressing back against him, my hands moving up against his back, did he pull away with a sigh. ”Like I can see you, I can feel you but you’re not like here, y’know”, Marcus started, pulling back further, looking at me with a frown. ”So what is it?”

I stared back at him, eyebrows raising. ”I’m fine”, I said and tried to smile but I knew it must’ve come across as unsure or something judging by his response.

Marcus groaned. ”What is it, Lucy?” he asked.

I was silent, staring at him.

This was my chance, and I knew it. I could tell him, the words could slip out of my tongue if I only let them. One second from now and he could know the truth. I could tell him.

Instead, I was silent. Staring at him, watching how every second of silence he grew more and more apprehensive.

Marcus sighed, scratching the back of his neck, his eyes closed and I could barely hear the words slipping out of his mouth. ”If it’s something I did. Just say tell me.”

At that moment I hated myself more than I thought possible. At that moment I wanted to punch myself. To scream at myself for how I’ve been acting. For what I’ve been doing, telling myself it’s for his best. But instead, I said nothing, and then I did nothing. I was acting strange without me knowing that I did.

”You’ve been acting hella weird lately and I’ve tried giving you space and all, but you just…” He groaned. ”What is it you want from me?” It sounded like something between a sigh, a groan, and a whisper. He said it once more, this time loud and clear, almost like a hiss while staring straight at me. As if his patience was wearing thin. ”What do you want from me, Lucy?”

”I want to be your boyfriend!” I snapped at him. It didn’t take longer than a blink of an eye until I knew what I had said. I knew it as I watched Marcus’s eyes widen as he stiffened, staring at me, mouth hanging open against his chest.

”You… You, you… you what!?” he spluttered, hands moving around in wild gestures and I steeled myself so I wouldn’t look away, I owed him at least that much.

”Marcus”, I pleaded softly, asking him to calm down with the tone of my voice only. ”I think I’m a boy. I think I’m… trans.”

”You think?” he repeated.

”I’m… pretty sure”, I responded. My patience starting to wear thin but I knew that had the roles been reversed Marcus would’ve needed a miracle to help me keep my cool.

”You’re…?” Marcus sighed, pushing his hands through his hair and grabbing at it so strands poked out from between his fingers. ”I can’t believe this”, he whispered, turning his gaze from me to his feet. ”I should”, he started before visibly relaxing, or trying to. Marcus gestured to the door and said, ”I should go.”

”Marcus!”

I saw how his whole body faltered before tensing, how he held up a hand to me.

”Don’t”, he begged before he was out the door, and at that moment I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again.

But it was Marcus. It was dramatic Marcus who found out his girlfriend wants to be his boyfriend in the middle of an argument.

I had always been prepared that he would throw a fit, always knew how he’d react, but it didn’t make it easier when the moment arrived. Maybe that was why I tried pushing it off as far as I could into the future? So that a future me could deal with it, a version of me that was stronger. A version of me that could actually deal with this.

A version of me that did not exist.

I sighed into the emptiness of my room before falling back against my pillows, begging my brain to take me to sleep and present to me dreams that were better than reality.

”I just prepared the bathroom for you.” Alex stood in the doorway, his expression sympathetic and I hated it. ”Are you okay?”

”Yes”, I said.

”I know you’re lying.”

”Then why did you ask, Alex?” I met his eyes, watching his lips turn into a thin line and his eyes go even more sympathetic. ”You know I’m not okay.”

”He’ll come around”, said Alex. He had said that phrase so many times during these last few days since Marcus had stormed out of our house. Somehow, Alex’s words didn’t sound as sure anymore. ”He always will.”

”It’s been four days”, I said, looking down at my hands, lying on my lap like dead weight.

”He needs time”, he said and I nodded slightly. ”He’s probably confused and a little hurt.”

”Hurt?”

”Yeah, that you hadn’t told him sooner”, Alex explained. ”He loves you, everyone who sees the two of you together knows that. And he knows you love him, too, and that’s probably why it’s so hard for him.”

I sighed. ”Why do you always have to be so sensible?”

Alex smiled at me. ”One of us has to be.” I chuckled, shaking my head. My chest still felt heavy but empty.

”Thanks”, I muttered, looking at him with a small, half-forced smile. He smiled back at me, and opened his mouth as if to say something when suddenly a bell was heard.

Alex and I stared at each other before Alex went to the door and opened it. ”Hello, Marcus”, was all I heard before my heartbeat echoed in my ears as I stared towards the spot Alex had stood some seconds before.

”Hey”, he answered, a little uncertainly.

”What can I do for you?” I would’ve rolled my eyes at Alex’s antics if I wasn’t petrified.

”I need to talk to Lucy”, Marcus said.

That was the last thing I heard before footsteps grew louder and louder, coming to my door.

Alex appeared first. ”Marcus is here”, he said, gesturing towards Marcus. ”If you need anything, I’ll be in my room.” He looked between me and Marcus before walking away, giving us space.

I forced myself to look at Marcus as he stepped towards where I sat on the bed. ”I got you something”, he said and handed me a wrapped package. I eyed it curiously before looking back at Marcus. He was staring at his feet, seemingly nervous.

Nodding, I took the present from him and started unwrapping it, my hands were shaking in anticipation and nerves and probably something akin to confusion. ”Uhm”, I said as I held the gift in my hands, fabric soft. I turned to smile at Marcus. I hadn’t felt this nervous around him since I didn’t know when.

”I didn’t know what else to give you”, he said, scratching the back of his neck. ”I wanted to give you something that’d say ’Hey, I’m sorry about how I reacted and so you’re a dude, it’s no big deal’” He grinned sheepishly. ”Boxers were the only thing I knew would be like associated with guys because penises and everything.” He was silent for a moment, body stiff before he let his arms fall down his sides. ”Do you… uhm… want one?”

I raised an eyebrow at him, amused. ”A what?”

”A penis.” His eyes were closed and his face was red.

I grinned. ”What was that?” I asked. ”I can’t hear you.”

Marcus glared at me but it lacked its bite, it was almost endearing. ”Do you want a penis?” he asked, this time he looked and sounded calm, his eyes were soft as he looked at me.

”Yeah”, I said. ”I think so. I still have to see a gender psychologist about it before anything can be set in stone.

Marcus nodded. ”I actually have something else for you, too”, he announced, sitting down on my bed, next to me. He picked up his phone and held it in front of me. ”Say something”, he said.

I narrowed my eyes at him before saying, ”Hello?” Marcus started laughing, shaking his head while I just stared at him. ”What?” I asked. ”You told me to say something!”

He turned to look at me, grinning, shaking his head before turning back to his phone. He pressed a finger to the screen and suddenly its speakers parroted me in a deeper voice. I stared at it before turning to stare at Marcus.

”I figured you’d want to know what you’d sound like”, he said sheepishly. ”And I guess I’m curious, too.”

”So…”, I started. ”What do you think?”

Marcus smiled at me. ”A little to get used to, if I’m honest, but you still sound hot.”

I smiled at him. ”You know I love you and… thanks. For understanding.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it before leaning down to kiss me.

”Can you say that again?” Marcus asked some seconds later. ”That you love me. I want to know what it would sound like.” I stared at him and his eyes widened. ”If it’s okay!” He seemed flustered and I smiled at that.

I leaned forward to peck his cheek, feeling the warmth of him under my lips and I smiled against it. Marcus was still solid next to me and he had come around in a way I probably should have expected but was still a little surprised by.

”Of course”, I said, straightening my back again. When Marcus signaled for me to start I said, ”I love you, Marcus.”

Marcus grinned at me before pressing play on his phone as a deeper version of my voice repeated my words. ”You know what”, Marcus started, looking at me with a smirk and eyes full of stars. ”I’ll definitely get used to this.”

I laughed before pulling him against me for a kiss. ”Thank you”, I said, sliding my hands up his sides until they were tickled by the short strands by his neck. ”And Marcus..?” I said after we pulled apart. Marcus raised both his eyebrows in silent question. I moved my hands from his neck, stood up, and left my room, gesturing for him to follow me into the bathroom. A chair stood waiting in the middle of the room, a pair of scissors and a hairbrush lying atop it. I picked them up and handed them to Marcus. ”Cut my hair?”

Marcus stared at me before grinning, leaning forward to kiss me muttering an ”of course” against my lips as he took the tools from me. I grinned back at that before turning around and sitting down on the chair.

I was unsure how long I sat there but I couldn’t help but smile at the simplicity of it all. The comfortable silence and feel in the room. Surrounding us. For the first in a long time, we existed on the same plane, in the same reality.

When Marcus finished, he tapped me on my shoulder and I rose from the chair to check my reflection in the mirror. I stared at myself, turning my head side to side to get a better look at Marcus’s handiwork. Long strands framed my face in a way that felt foreign but new and refreshing.

I dragged a hand through my hair, noticing with something akin to horror before I turned around to look at Marcus. ”A mullet?” I hissed at him, pointing at my new hairstyle.

Marcus’s ears and cheeks went pink before he took a step forward to pat my head awkwardly, smug grin plastered on his face. ”You knew I’ve never cut hair before.” I rolled my eyes at him and suddenly he looked worried, scratching the back of his neck. ”Do you… uhm, want me to fix it?”

I turned around again to face the mirror, taking in the hairstyle and my face, the foreignness of my appearance.

Grinning, I met Marcus’s eyes from the reflection of the mirror. ”No”, I replied before turning to look at myself. ”It suits him.”

I loved how it sounded.

”Yeah”, Marcus agreed with a smile. ”It really does.”

Sometimes a dawn could arrive but not in the way you’d expect.