The first day was a disaster.

The human fed me the same brown pebbles for lunch and dinner.

The dogs kept sniffing my butt.

The human brought me a potty box, and expected me to do my business in there while he watched!

The second day, I presume, is probably going to be even worse.

For now, though, I need to get some sleep.

* * *

It's 6:01 A.M.

My insolent human is still sleeping, not bothering to get up and feed me.

I jumped all over its head, hoping for it to wake it up.

It didn't.

I cranked up its cute little "alarm bark" to "max volume", and set it to a minute later than the displayed time before running through my human's home in record speed, taking cover in my potty spot, which was now, thankfully, soundproof.

I waited for a full minute before walking back into my human's big box, or "bark", as he called it, confused when the expected human "music" doesn't come.

As soon as I got to the "alarm bark", checking to see if it was broken, it suddenly blared to life with 13-year-old Justin Bieber singing "baby" at "max volume".

I'm curled up in a fetal position, whimpering and nursing my poor ears now. I'll update again later.

* * *

Now, human.

Solve the following problem:

> Bob has three apples. Rob hits Bob in the head with fifty bananas. Bob flies away with a jetpack, keeping Rob stranded on a distant planet that was about to explode for no reason. Bufford chased his tail every day, with a (1) / (1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0) (25 zeroes) chance of catching it on any given day. He bit his tail one day and regretted it forever since, though still never gave up on chasing his tail. Calculate the mass of some distant star you're never heard of.

>

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See? You couldn't solve it.

A newborn kitten is expected to solve that math problem within half a nanosecond.

Now, allow me to explain it to you, ignorant human.

Let B be Bob and R be Rob. B has 3a, while R has 50B. This means that R has 150a and that B is a banana. 150a, or 50B, 50 bananas, then leaves the planet on their one and only jetpack, leaving R to die. B, being a dog and a banana, is lucky, and he, therefore, catches his tail once every other day.

Now ignore all the above nonsense, that isn't relevant. The point of the problem is to teach newborn kittens to ignore, even when they are aware that bananas, apples, humans, and dogs are nearby.

Here is the simplified problem:

> Calculate the mass of some distant star you've never heard of.

See? That isn't so hard, now is it?

...

What? You're telling me you still can't solve it? Fine. Go ahead then, guess a random number. Any random number. There is no incorrect choice.

...

What?! There were infinite possible answers, out of infinite possible guesses, and you, human, have somehow managed to do the impossible: Get it wrong! Aargh! ...Why am I not surprised? Fine, the solution and answers were as follows:

> 21, 42, 63, 84, 105, and so on. There are infinite possible answers out of infinite possible guesses, and you, therefore, couldn't have possibly gotten it wrong. See, here's the thing; The problem never told you what measuring unit used to calculate the mass of the star, which meant that you could have just guessed any number. Of course, as a cat, you have to guess multiples of 21, the answer to life, the universe and everything. Were humans or mice to do this, they would not know, as they do not know the question to life, the universe, and everything. Hah! Humans! What morons.

See? That wasn't so hard, now was it?

Yes, go on, ignorant human, keep slapping yourself in the face and staring at the problem. That will totally make you smarter.

Anyway, enough with the math. You humans will never get math, and I'm not getting paid enough, actually, I'm not getting paid anything to teach it, and teaching math is boring. Kinda, sorta, unless the math teacher in question is a sadist, which I'm not.

Anyway, let's move on from your tragic miseducation.

* * *

My human eventually woke up at 6:02, barking something, before it saw the disapproving look on my face, was ashamed of its barking at me and vented out its anger on the "alarm bark". I would have tried to save it if not for the...unfortunate incident from earlier that made me claw at the power cord while my human went searching for a baseball bat. He wouldn't be needing this cursed thing anymore now that I was here.

The dogs, having been woken up by the commotion, walked over.

I, having been thoroughly annoyed by the lateness of my human and the "alarm bark", glared at them.

The dogs yelped and ran away when they saw the result of a very, very angry cat who wasn't eaten his breakfast yet, tails between their legs.

The human then filled my dish with...

Brown pebbles.